Notre Dame alum and recent graduate Tommy Kilborn gives his two cents on the Notre Dame Coaching Situation. Take it away, Tommy!

Hello, EDSBSers. Tommy Kilborn, Notre Dame graduate and current hard-working young man, has been asked to give his two cents on the current Notre Dame coaching situation. Well, I’d tell you I was too busy to do just such a thing, what with my job with my high-powered finance job I got right out of Notre Dame making six figures. Go, networking!

Unfortunately, I made many trades involving a certain undervalued and unfairly besmirched sector of the market that I believe will eventually make a fine comeback. Just like my beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team, who have now reached a defining moment in their esteemed history in the fourth season under Charlie Weis, will make a comeback to reclaim their rightful spot as America’s college football team.

It hurts to say this. It hurt to say this when they fired Ty Willingham, a good man and a decent man who could not coach good football if the fate of our world depended on his team getting a first down. I voted for Obama, so I can write this. (Actually, I’m just kidding. I vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin. I liked her spunk, and I’m a Republican.)

I said as much when the time came on that fateful day four years ago:

And now, sadly, just as it was four years ago, here we are.

It pains me to say this.

I think it’s time for Charlie Weis to go.

Call me crazy, but I don’t think he really gets the college game. Oh, he’s a good man, and a Catholic, and a great recruiter. He’ll let you pose with his ring anytime, and you best believe that’s helped us land talented young men of character like Jimmy Clausen and Golden Tate. He has done good things for the university, and I will always be grateful for the things he has done for the university.

I feel that way about everyone who works at Notre Dame, right down to Clarence the janitor, who was always quick with a witty jibe and a rhythmic slap of the hand, and who jokingly offered to sell me marijuana. It was our little joke for years. I thank Clarence and everyone who did my laundry, cut the grass, and otherwise did the hard work to make our lives there so enjoyable. (Yes, we have people who do our laundry at Notre Dame. Don’t be jealous!)

The pattern is clear: Notre Dame isn’t getting any closer to championships under Charlie Weis. First, we lose to Sparty, and then Fredo, and then…I don’t even want to talk about our losses to the Southern University of California. (SUC! ) Their continued dominance of us alone is reason enough to be concerned. Losing to Navy and Syracuse at home in a two year span is the last straw.

We need to think “out of the box,” and I’m here to help do just that. My short list for candidates is as follows. Notre Dame, we need to make this happen, something I will help to do as soon as my own financial situation rebounds just as my football team will.

1. Bill Belichick Coaching at ND will be the only step up Coach Bill Belichick can take. He’s not personable, but winning cures all of that.

2. Urban Meyer. I’m sure he’ll come. He was born for this job. It’s destiny. He’s named after a Pope, and he’s Catholic. He’s a great football coach. He gets our university. He coaches for a second-tier program and has worked wonders with the scraps he has.

3. The Trinity Plan. Parseghian, Holtz, and the spirit of Knute Rockne. I’m getting a bit fanciful here with the last part. (Though Knute is still very much with us in spirit. I feel his presence every time I sit down in the stadium to watch a game.)

Ara Parseghian is 85, and Lou Holtz is 71. But these two combined could join forces to help the Irish for a year or two until we find just the right person. Guided by the spirit of Knute Rockne, I am sure they could lead the Irish back to greatness. Also, they may join our maker sooner rather than later, making the buyout situation very manageable for the administration.

4. Jon Gruden. If none of the others bite–which won’t happen, but still–we can do well enough with Tampa’s Jon Gruden. He is not my first choice, but he is obviously just waiting on our call. (Plus: who would choose Tampa over South Bend? Adult dance clubs and sweltering weather are not a reason to call a place a city. I’m sorry if I offended anyone, but I just don’t think it compares to South Bend.)

We need to move quickly and decisively. Notre Dame is already number one in our hearts and minds, let’s just put them back where they belong: number one in the polls. WE BELIEVE! GO IRISH!

ps. I am on linkedin and other networking sites if you have job leads, so don’t hesitate to contact me at 4theechoes@gmail.com. GO IRISH.

In his own words, we give you Marques Slocum, remixed in sonnet-ish form. Read, remember, and mourn.

got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me
i hope my wife know ima be man! fuck dat spider
I like 2 licky licky licky licky
My mom CARLA i think she da realest bitch alive

i dont give a fuck i just want 2 get on
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones

After bouncing around our brain for a few caffeine-addled hours, the meaning became all too clear: Twitchy is an imaginary mascot, the meaning and spirit of something embodied in a cartoonish, anthropomorphic form. Thus, we present to you our first imaginary mascot, Twitchy the Martyr, the mascot for Jihad A&M University. Lovingly by LSUFreek with some degree of homage to Hoodwinked.

Tasteful: Twitchy the Martyr, and his adoring fans. They take the field with a BOOM!