Notes follow. We blame reality.
This was so much easier before people actually knew shit. Before you say a word: this is wacky, week-to-week voting with a hint of correction for perceived talent level, potential, and past performance. You know who’s not going to stick around most likely? Houston, Boise, and Oregon, because Houston and Boise will be dragged down by the mediocre competition they play, and because Oregon will follow up a carpet-bombing of Cal by having their star corner get de-kneed and blowing an easy Pac-10 game. Re: Oregon? You play one highly ranked team and lose on the road and then dishumilatinate the highest ranked team in your conference, you get perks. Re: Houston? Big 12 South wins should count just as much in September as they do in November, when the Big 12 gets their annual run in the polls off conference play. It’s a trick of the calendar at this point not to credit them.
The rest: Is a bloody mess. Where the hell do you put Iowa, other than above Penn State and below Ohio State, who would probably beat them in a 6-2 horror show leaving non-Big Ten fans holding their own eyeballs in hand at the end in order to ensure they could never watch such football horror ever again. USC is off the boards in terms of solid betting thanks to offensive woes, Miami and OK State are erratic, Penn State looked atrocious, there’s a knot of SEC teams at the bottom you can untangle if you’ve got three months of conference play, and GODDAMN THIS MADNESS.
Pretty sure Minnesota’s a rock-solid 25, though.
NARRATOR (V/O): You’re watching “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong.” Percy Harvin was one of the most talented athletes in college football history: A five-foot, eleven-inch receiver out of Virginia Beach, he broke records as an all-purpose offensive player for the University of Florida, totaling 32 career touchdowns and helping to revolutionize the role of the wide receiver in the modern-day spread offense. He was drafted in the first round by the Minnesota Vikings and signed a five-year contract worth more than $14 million.
Scene: A classroom in a Florida high school. A dozen or so high-school football players are seated at the desks; PERCY HARVIN, flanked by the high-schoolers’ coaches as well as some of his own former coaches, stands behind a podium at the front of the room.
NARRATOR (V/O): Harvin had a speaking engagement at a high school in Florida to tell some potential Florida recruits about his time at the university and how it prepared him for the NFL, when one of the students asked him a fairly innocuous question. (more…)
This is our favorite image of all from the Stadium Sipper’s site:
Hmm…what shall we pour into the Stadium Sipper? These two Bud Lights? This Montrachet 1978 Domaine de la Romanée-Conti? 20 shots of Jager? You’re right, Ed. The Montrachet don’t go with the stadium popcorn at all. Go with the Jager, and we’ll save the wine for the cold chicken fingers at the after-tailgate.
Holly suggested taking one seat filled with Jager Jameson and Irish Cream in, and one with Guinness, and then car bombing the entire section. That would work, you’d need ten for beer and one for Jager to make it work out correctly, and who’s going to do that when you could just have twenty stadium seats full of Jager?
Another idea we wanted to foist on security would be filling the stadium seat with something entirely non-beverage related, like delicious peppered sawmill gravy or a molecular gastronomy creation like liquefied marrow. Hand it out like shots at a game (preferably an insanely hot one,) and when security comes to throw you out, calmly explain that it’s not booze, but instead is tasty homemade gravy you’re sharing with the public for free out of the kindness of your heart. They might throw you out for just being cheeky, but you could say you were tossed out for handing out free hot gravy at a 90 degree football game, and that’s something you can tell your grandkids (to disturb them, and therefore leave creepy old you alone to watch your favorite show, McGillicuddy, or “An Elderly Paul Rudd Fights Young Criminals With the Assistance of a Sassy Rapping Cyborg.”
(All that said, the deluxe kit is 40 bucks, people. Pounce, consumer!)
Hey, kids. If you’re reading this, it’s because we were in the emergency room all night getting a pesky couple of broken transverse processes of the L1 and L2 lumbar vertebrae taken care of by the fine medical professionals at Emory Hospital. You ever had Dilaudid? It’s like morphine, but with robot arms, a trust fund, and a horrendous gambling problem. We met last night.
Play me off for 6-8 weeks, Keyboard Cat.
No permanent or lasting damage, as the piece of angry, disunited bones in my back aren’t load bearing. They do hurt like I swallowed a plugged-in soldering gun, which is why I’m waking up in a few hours to dust off some more delicious, nutritious Percocet.
Thanks to all the well-wishers on Twitter and Facebook. (Our phone doesn’t work, as the iPhone battery died last night, too.) It’s pill and sleep time, and we’ll see what “we” feel like tomorrow.
Did you bet a substantial sum of money that not only would Iowa be the next Fulmer Cup contributor, but also that it would be the head coach’s son who contributed? If so, you may be doing this right now.
Daddy Fat Stacks you would be if you wagered correctly.
It’s not just that it’s the coach’s son and two other football players who incurred the rather gentle charge of public intox, a misdemeanor charge handed out like pizza coupons on most college campuses. (We never got one, but that’s the advantage of being uncoordinated and mumbling all the time–no one notices when you fall down and start slurring your speech.) It’s the manner in which they got the charges.
According to University of Iowa Department of Public Safety Associate Director Bill Searls and criminal complaints, Zachary Merlin Derby, 19, and Tyler Allen Christensen, 19, both of Hillcrest Residence Hall, approached an off-duty UI police officer and attempted to pick a fight with him.
It’s akin to attempting sexual assault on a woman with a vagina dentata, and with figuratively similar results. (more…)
From COED magazine, brah, the finest publication for dyslexic code freaks and fans of HOT COLLEGE BABES WHO WOULDN’T FUCK YOU WITH A GUN TO THEIR HEADS, an attractive woman from the LSU/Florida game:
And then, after the jump, another hot piece of tail from the weekend.
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I know what you’re thinking officer. You’ve just seen a guy ripping sweet curves on his Harley at 3 in the morning in the rain. So you chase him, because you’re thinking, I wanna know that guy’s secret. Not because he’s hammered and driving 125 miles an hour in figure eights down a dark two-lane road.
No, you just feel the funk as I go by, right? The man-ness coming off me in torrents thicker than the rain itself. I know how it works.
So you hit the bright and shinies, and even though you couldn’t catch him if you tried, he pulls over. Because he’s a gentleman. The kind of man who, in barbarian times, would offer you his wife for the evening. And videotape it. And watch it crying later. Did I say too much? No way. I’m in touch with my emotions, here. It’s just another facet to this 24 karat full spectrum manhood that’s got you chasing me down the road on a night when you’d rather be sitting in your squad car masturbating to porn on your cell phone.
But then just when you think, man how cool can this guy be? How lucky am I this evening to get the chance to skim some cool off this deep reservoir of pure man-tao?
You see this:
(more…)
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