Missouri earned points we neglected to include last week, mostly because we couldn’t believe anyone not named Robert Downey, Jr. could be caught with such a diverse array of recreational drugs. And yet he exists: late of the Missouri football team, backup defensive tackle John Stull was arrested on Jan. 11th and is charged with two felony counts of drug possession, one misdemeanor count of drug possession, suspicion of possessing drug paraphernalia, possession of intoxicating liquor as a minor and use of a false identification.

Felony drug possession is a step above your average weed-toting Gator-inhalator charge, especially when you’re talking about coke and pills, which is precisely the case in Stull’s case. Three points each for those, one point for the misdemeanors, and we’ve cooked up a 10 point kilo of points for Missouri that was miscounted as 3 last week. We, like the Gainesville Sun, regret the error.

The asterisk by the score is significant, though: it indicates an early watch on the Ellis T. Jones III award, meaning the award for the single largest score for an individual. If Missouri stays clean for the rest of the Fulmer Cup race, we would award Stull the ET3 award, and give the program award to someone else. The point is to account for programmatic, patterned bad behavior ind a single program, not one outlier on an otherwise well-behaved team. Thus the little octopus hovering in the northeast corner up there.

Officer, I don’t like your tone. Tennessee lineman Anthony Parker picks up a bullshitty disorderly conduct charge, but a point is a point is a point here. Why is it a a bit bullshittish? Because Parker’s biggest crime seems to be hollerin’ and cussin’, a time-honored pasttime in Tennessee from what we can remember from our tenure in the Parallelogram.

Knoxville Police Department spokesperson Darrell DeBusk said Parker, 21, was arrested in the parking lot of the Sutters Mill Apartment complex just after midnight Saturday morning.

Henard then arrested Parker and took him to the detention center . . . .

That’s why it’s bullshit, but you don’t quiet down when the cops come a-callin’, and you get-a disorderly conduct charge and one point for the Vols, who are already making an outstanding claim in the early paces of the Fulmer Cup race. Tradition never graduates! WOOOOOOOOO!!! This is ourrrrrr country…..

And remember…Ole Miss picks up points for disorderly as well. We still think they’re blameless due to the intoxicating effects of erotic chicken.

P.S. Texas A&M’s points were an error, as well–the incident occurred during the season, and is not eligible.

Illinois @ Ohio State (-15)

This is the unstoppable force against the immovable object. Illinois has the nation’s 6th best rush offense and tOSU has the nation’s top defense. That might look like a lot of points, but it’s not. You’ve got the Zooker, in Columbus, with Juice Williams at the helm against the #1 team in the country. Now that the Buckeyes have the offense rolling, this is a lock. This is a low risk way to wet your appetite and make you feel like a gangster. I’m giving it a “throw you up against the wall in an alley next to a dumpster” rating – this game’s for everyone, even the kids. Put a dime on the Buckeyes, collect your cash, and you’re gamblin’! It’s so simple.

Alabama @ Mississippi State (+5)

Saban will not be Croomed. I know, Mississippi State is nearly bowl eligible, but take a hard look at them and they’re a picture mediocrity – offense, defense, special teams, and coaching. Gambling is about numbers and the (mildly) important number on this game is 21 — it’s (not even close to) the most points the Bulldogs have scored all season and it’s the least amount of points the Tide have scored. In just his first year, ‘Lil Napolean is already working his dark magic on the Tide. This is a “bat to the knee” game. It’s ugly but you can recover from it. Put half your weekly salary on ‘Bama to cover.

Florida @ South Carolina (+6.5)

What good is genius if you can’t help others understand it? Steve Spurrier is arguably the best offensive mind in college sports but he appears to have come to a point in his life when he’s completely unable to communicate his vision to his players. If you’ve watched the ‘Cocks you know what I’m talking about. A play isn’t brilliant when it’s drawn up; it’s brilliant when it’s been executed on the field. I haven’t seen any brilliance out of South Carolina for weeks. They won early this season playing good defense and scoring however many points they needed to win. All of that appears to be lost now. This team is a fucking mess and the Gators are not the team you want to see at a time like this. If USC can’t figure out that you have to put 10 guys in the box to stop Arkansas, how are they going to stop Tebow? You might think Tebow is out of the Heisman race, after this game, you would be wrong. I’d rate this a solid “two-thumber”. You might get your thumbs broken, but if you want big rewards, you gotta take big risks. Do you want to be a gambler or not? Find the seediest bar you can, ask for a bookie, and put your girlfriend/life partner/roommate’s coffee can cash on Florida.

Auburn @ Georgia (-2)

This talk of Tubs going to A&M will fall on dear ears. Auburn is well aware of what happened last season when Brandon Cox threw 4 pics and they got hammered by Georgia. That’s not going to happen again. Georgia’s running game has looked great the last few weeks when Mark Richt remembered that 1 back is better than 3. Sadly, he’s facing the meanest motherfucking defensive line in all of the land on Saturday. Auburn is a bad match up for the Georgia so be prepared for a piss poor effort from the Dogs between the hedges this week. If you like to watch pretty girls cry, tune in to Athens around mid-point in the 4th quarter where there will be more ugly beautiful than you can imagine. Put a month’s bar tab on Dumbo to beat the Dogs outright. [no catchy rating for this game, apparently.—ed.]

Arkansas @ Tennessee

This game is not for the faint of heart. If you think you know what’s going to happen here, you’d be lying to yourself. These teams are both so inconsistent that it makes their fans physically ill to watch them. With Arkansas, you’ve got the jaw-dropping talent of Darren McFadden who may just win the Heisman based on his 321 yard output last week against South Carolina. Additionally, the Razorbacks have Felix Jones who’s also run for 1,000 yards, on exactly half the carries of McFadden. They may be the best tandem I’ve ever seen… and their team is 2-3 in the conference. This is the story of Houston Nutt. On the other side of the ball you’ve got Philip Fulmer and his band of merry men, who look alternately awesome [see: Georgia game], terrible [see: Florida game], and disinterested [see: Mississippi State game]. If you’re picking this game, you’re not taking the team to win, so much as you’re taking Neyland to be the difference here. Take Tennessee, but before you do, look at the next game, because we’re going with a parlay here.

Arizona State @ UCLA (+7)

Don’t ever bet on a Pac-10 game. Just don’t do it. It will only end in tears and shattered extremities. This is particularly true when you’re talking about a game featuring Karl Dorrell. He’s like an abusive father to Bruins Nation. Beat BYU! Get crushed by Utah. Then in an attempt to get back their love, he treated them to wins over Washington and Oregon State! Then he slipped and broke their heart by losing to Notre Dame. Such is the psychology of the abusive relationship. He then “bought Bruins Nation a new bike” by beating Cal and quickly backed over it in the driveway by losing to Washington State. They cried and he slapped them around for  it by losing to Arizona. UCLA’s remaining 3 games are against ASU, Oregon, and USC. I can promise you he will win one of them, in a last ditch effort to make them love him again… but not this week. The Sun Devils lost for the first time last week in a spirited tussle in Eugene but I think you go with them to cover the 7. This isn’t so much a vote of confidence to Dennis Erickson as it is a vote against Karl Dorrell. Now, here’s the fun part! Take whatever you can afford to lose, double it, and put it on Arizona State and Tennessee to win in a 2 team parlay. This is also cool, because just as the Pac-10 game starts, the SEC game will be ending. For 6 straight hours your heart will be racing. Nutt! Dorrell! Fulmer! Erickson! It will be like the longest game of Russian Roulette ever. Enjoy!

Bomargate…not dead just yet.

Stoops put that behind him and guided Oklahoma to what in normal terms would be a very successful season:11-3 despite switching qbs at the last second and enduring a Kobayashi Maru replay scenario in a road defeat at Oregon. (Oh, and they played Goliath to Under Armour/Boise State. Forgot that little nut kick.) Demonz b gon, no?

Little flashback demon arrived via MSNBC, actually. Ex-Sooner lineman J.D. Quinn, kicked off the team with Bomar for similar cash-related issues, speaks loudly and clumsily here:

“All I did was take cash,” Quinn said. “I didn’t break any laws and I get kicked off the team, but there’s people on the team that are breaking laws and failing drug tests and stuff like that, and there’s nobody getting kicked off the team for that type of stuff.”

Quinn declined to provide details of his allegations about other players, but said it was not necessarily about players on the OU team.

…even if that’s exactly what he said just five seconds prior to saying it wasn’t about players on the OU team. Everywhere’s got their own disciplinary foibles and second/third/forty-fifth chances (Kenneth Tookes, anyone? DUCK!), but dropping this squarely in the middle of dead season can’t be fun for a coach clearly wanting to regain his early form dominance in conference.

Quinn makes good in the article by stating his portion of the ill-gotten funds will go to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, an organization we’d like to cry foul on for having an unfair selling point to jiggle at potential donors: keeping boobs healthy. We can’t say no, you unfair, monopolistic, tit-shaking fundraising banditas! When we start the Orson Swindle Ass Cancer Fund, you’ll have met your match, lust-teasing charity tyrants.

Help keep fine, healthy asses shaking: give to the Orson Swindle Ass Cancer Fund.

–Every Day Should Be Lemsday. Go to it. Now. An excerpt from the goods if you don’t believe us:

Aw de bowgame comrawndhea. Owe Miss aintinna bowgame! ORGERAWANNABOWGAME! Bamainnabowgame, Tennseeinnabowgame, evin Kentkainnabowgame! Isa putta rebah innabowgame! Wepla ennawar. Shrepor, Jackvul, Canta, youname! Rebah manah ha agresaysen, butrebah travrewel! Brindamanah! Brindafan! Ow Miss Rebah fillyostadum ritup!

Gicotchogeonachan, or hecommaritroun anstrinyawup!

It’s the greatest thing since Chewbacca’s website. Gigantic accolades to Brian and Trev and the boys for rigging up something that truly defies description.

Datratdeyer izzahelluvawebsayyyyeeet. YallhavahappeeLEMSDAY!!!

–In other bayou-ish news: Tulane, fresh from what Tony Barnhardt called a “scandalous” firing of Chris Scelfo, hires retread Bob Toledo as coach. Scelfo was the coach who juggled chainsaws in getting Tulane’s football team through Katrina despite lacking facilities, a field, and proper funding for substitutes. Karma points surely give him a nice bonus on whatever the next roll of life’s 20-sided die brings.

–House of Heat brings us a comprehensive guide to surviving the wilds of Glendale, Arizona. They’re also quite cautious but also optimistic on Arizona State’s hiring of slut/genius Dennis Erickson as their coach for the next two years. (max)

–We missed the inimitable Clay Travis post-game at the SEC championship game, but we hope that’s understandable since the Nutt/Meyer trickfest left us too weak to speak coherently. Clay shares his lessons learned from his season-long swing around the SEC, including this canny observation about the benefits of publicly-subsidized Georgia educations:

. University of Georgia girls have bigger breasts thanks to the Hope Scholarship. With other southern states like Tennessee and South Carolina adopting lottery-funded scholarships, I expect this trend to spread even faster.

Take that, Harvard!

–Adrian Peterson, playing in la Fiesta Bowl. We’re not sure we can really advocate this, since given his long history of freak injuries and bad timing, a smiting at the gun just as AP extends his arm into the endzone for the winning score might be inevitable.

–Urban Meyer’s counting to 10 before he answers questions that make him mad. He’s also getting all postmodern and ironic with us:

“See, I’ve learned. I made comments in this room before (that were criticized). Watch how mature I am. You’re going to hear a lot of nonsense out of my mouth from here on out. … I’m going to start talking like a lot of these other coaches. … I think we’re going to take it one game at a time. We’re going to play very hard. Ohio State’s got great players. How’s that?”

Sounds like Jim Tressel, actually.

–Speaking of Sir Sweatervest…Buckeye Commentary has graphs of Smith’s landslide of the Heisman award leading up to the voting. The actual voting looked like Haitian election results with Troy Smith playing the part of the well-armed strongman.

–Dem Heizman Boyz: Another reason why living in the South is like awesomeness cubed. Actually, at any point in the Southeast spontaneous, coordinated, and oddly goofy dancing can break out at any point, though never without the participation of at least one black person. The only exception to this is the electric slide; otherwise, white people in large groups, like programmed Sims, just start playing horseshoes happily.

Brian’s got his videos, but we’re partial to this Florida-themed variation we found on Youtube. You know it’s college–check the lamp in the background and the blinds. We know this because we can still smell the odor of a tremendous spider falling to its fiery death against the bulb in a dingy Gainesville apartment.

Picture one provides indisputable proof that it’s bueno to be Fernando, and also that Univision has not given up on its policy of maintaining a mathematically inverse relationship between the attractiveness of the women depicted and the men they toy with on screen.

Fernando, you debonair bastard, you.

Picture two is more traditional cheesecake. Imagine Fernando screaming “AYYY QUE LINDAAAAAHHHHH!!!” because that is precisely what he would do if narrating this post. And yes, you’ll have to click the jump which we know you will, you sad, sad person you.

We hope this makes up for Subcommandante Wayne. De nada.

That said, we did find the second finest woman in the world, and all the coaching carousel updates will wait. How do we know you’re gay? Because you got put in a headlock by a cheerleader. That and the dip in the breadbowl totally convinced us.

On behalf of all mankind and speaking in the collective male voice: a cheerleader who puts a cadet in a headlock convincingly is a woman we all would be proud to have as our bride. Whoever you are: we love you, and salute you. Please reproduce so that your perky, brawling badassedness finds its way into future generations of peppy grappling sideline enforcers.

If only we could cross her with FIU crutch-swinger A’Mod Ned…behold, the Superman!

Just click and watch the VMI cheerleader in the upper right portion of the scrum. (Mega HT: PFHokie.)

What gonna do with all that ass? All that ass that you just kicked?