Senator Blutarsky laid down the challenge, and T. Kyle King, who hates Auburn — boy, does he ever hate Auburn — responded with every bit of the gusto you’d expect and then some. So now the only question is, is 100 Things Fans Should Know and Do Before They Die just an Auburn thing, or is this book part of a series? Naturally, it’s the latter, meaning that in addition to a team-specific tailgating tent, leather sofa, or casket, you can now have a bucket list tailored to the college football team of your choice.

Even leaving out all the baseball-themed volumes — is “Stay awake through an entire MLB game” on any of those lists? It should be — we don’t have the time to slog through every one of these books, much less the resources to buy all of ‘em. But that ain’t gonna stop us from making some educated guesses as to what’s on each list. Here’s what we’d include, if we were instructing individual fan bases as to how they can optimize their respective fandoms before shuffling off their respective mortal coils:

ALABAMA
* Pick three random years out of the past century and make a case for Alabama deserving a share of the national title in each of those years in a letter to the editor, comment on a rival blog, or graffito spray-painted on an opposing team’s stadium.
* Get a houndstooth-patterned prosthesis or medical implant (i.e. hip replacement, pacemaker, or IUD).
* Cut off an Auburn fan’s ear whilst listening to Stealers Wheel’s “Stuck in the Middle With You.”

BRIGHAM YOUNG
* Attend a bowl game other than the Las Vegas Bowl, just to see what it feels like.
* Serve a caffeinated beverage at a tailgate.
* Utter a swear word while watching a game.

GEORGIA
* Get pulled over for speeding and respond to the officer’s request for license and registration by barking loudly in his face. (Extra points for doing so in Columbia, South Carolina, or Alachua County, Florida.)
* Find the suitcase containing Urban Meyer’s soul and sell it back to him.
* Give a Georgia Tech student his first glimpse of female genitalia.

What’re you gonna do, charge me with failing to defend a triple-option offensive attack?

LSU
* Track down the source of the “LSU fans smell like corn dogs” rumor.
* Become the first human being to record a blood-alcohol level of 1.00 or greater.
* Slip Nick Saban a mickey and take a picture of yourself giving him a pair of Norwegian goggles.

MIAMI
* Sneak a firearm into a major sporting event.
* Beat up a Florida International fan just to feel alive.
* Take a ho to the seventh floor.

NOTRE DAME
* Have sex with a coed without being intoxicated, with a condom, and without going to Confession afterward.
* Keep Jimmy Clausen from getting sacked for a full hour.
* Witness a Notre Dame victory over Southern Cal. (Just kidding. There’s no way you’ll live that long.)

OHIO STATE
* Spend an entire night, alone, in the Southeastern Conference’s headquarters in Birmingham, Alabama.
* Defecate in a styrofoam cooler. At a 4th of July picnic.
* “Dot the I” at Ohio Stadium naked from the waist down.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
* E-mail or call in a death threat to Jacquizz Rodgers, Jim Harbaugh, or Vince Young.
* Watch the Kim Kardashian sex tape in HD and pretend you’re Reggie Bush.
* Get re-tweeted by Pete Carroll.

TEXAS
* Break into the Oklahoma University athletic-department building, drink beer, and urinate in their 2008 Big XII Championship trophy. Continue until trophy is filled to the top.
* Play keep-away with the hat of a Texas A&M “cadet.”
* Play keep-away with the hot pants of a Texas pom squad member.

WEST VIRGINIA
* To get the feeling of what it’s like to be a fan of a major historic D-IA football program, throw a brick through coach Bill Stewart’s window.
* Have sex while wearing a coonskin cap.
* Set fire to a Rooms To Go store and burn the whole thing to the ground.

“In any particular time frame, could be three years, could be five years, could be two years, you could get your ass kicked, OK?” Delany continued. “It can happen. We’re not playing Little Sisters of the Poor. We’re playing the best football teams in their region.

“So were we 1-6 (in bowl games) last year? Yeah. Were we 0-6 in the BCS in the last (three years)? We were. Those are the facts. But take me from 2000 or 1997 to 2005; I remember when Michigan played Ohio State [in 2006]. We were the toast of the town, one versus two, game of the century.”

Jim Delany’s not too worried about it, really. He wouldn’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it. He’s not worried at all.

Sounds like a reasonably nonchalant response to the issue, even if, as Doc Saturday humbly points out, it’s a problem that isn’t likely to resolve itself this season no matter what Delany says. For all the criticism we’ve heaped on the Big 10 commissioner over the past couple years, he sounds like a guy who takes a level-headed, matter-of-fact approach to problems instead of panicking, which is the kind of trait you’d want in not only a conference commish but also . . . an advice columnist:

Dear Big 10 Commish,
My husband and I have three children: a son who is in college and two daughters, a 16-year-old and a 10-year-old. My older daughter was an A student all through elementary and middle school, but her grades have deteriorated markedly since she started high school. She has a boyfriend now and has been spending a lot more time with him and his clique of friends, and a lot less time studying or helping out around the house; she hasn’t been particularly combative toward me or my husband, but that’s mainly because we hardly ever see her at all. A couple weeks ago I found what looked like the remnants of a marijuana cigarette on our back patio; I asked her if she knew anything about it and she said she didn’t, and that she had never tried marijuana or any other drugs. Can I trust her? Is it time for me to put my foot down and make her stop spending as much time with her boyfriend, or will that only drive her further away?
Concerned Mother in Battle Creek

Dear Concerned Mother,
Yeah, you’re probably right to be concerned. But these things happen. Anyplace your child goes, she’s gonna run into people or situations that might be less than savory, you know? Sure, her grades have tanked and she’s hanging out with people you may not approve of. But go back to her earlier years: She was the toast of her middle school, making straight As, doing well. I’m convinced that with the parenting she has, she’ll turn it around no problem. Now, is she going to dominate every year? Is she going to turn down pot every time it’s offered to her? Don’t kid yourself. But as long as she turns it down maybe half the time, pulls those grades up into B/C territory, she’ll get there.

Dear Big 10 Commish,
My wife and I have been married for six pretty happy years, but one thing has never been resolved in our relationship: Her mother hates me. She didn’t approve of our relationship to begin with because I worked a blue-collar job and wasn’t a regular churchgoer, but even after we got married she continued to make passive-aggressive comments toward me and even criticize the way I raised our daughter, who is now three. Well, I got laid off from my job three months ago, and that’s kicked my mother-in-law’s critical comments into overdrive: The other day my wife related a conversation in which her mother advised her flat-out to ask me for a divorce. Is it time for me to confront my mother-in-law and tell her to stop making my life harder than it already is?
Son-in-Law Under Pressure

Dear Son-in-Law,
Wow. Tough situation. But in a marriage that lasts any length of time — could be three years, could be six years, could be fifty — you could get your ass kicked, OK? We know how mothers-in-law are, and you’re not going up against some little sister of the poor here. You’re going up against a real overprotective ball-buster. So what do you do? Well, these things are cyclical — relationships get worse and they get better. So there’s no point in rocking the boat, just sit back, keep looking for jobs, and wait for things to get better on their own. And if you really end up in a bind, have another kid, that usually clears up a lot of problems.

Dear Big 10 Commish,
My husband and I are both nearing our fifties, and both our children are in their twenties and out of the house. My husband is starting to show a lot of signs of being clinically depressed. He rose through the ranks pretty quickly at his company but has been passed over for several promotions the last few years, and when he comes home from work in the evening he doesn’t even want to talk about his job. He’s fallen out of touch with most of his friends and even some of his own family members. I’ve tried to get him interested in some of the old hobbies he used to love — golf, tennis, rare book collecting — but nothing seems to arouse any passion in him at all. Then, out of the blue, he bought a handgun a couple of weeks ago, and one day I came home from work to find him sitting out on the back porch, holding the gun in his hand and just staring off into the distance. I asked him what he was doing and all he said was “nothing.” I feel like now is the time to have an intervention of some kind, but . . . how do I even go about it?
Worried Wife in Evansville

Dear Worried Wife,
I know things look bad right now, but you gotta look at the bigger picture here. Over the last 20 years or so, he’s maintained a solid career and raised a couple kids who seem to be doing pretty well for themselves — sounds like a pretty good track record to me. So has his career kind of stagnated? Yeah. Has he lost interest in a lot of the things that used to make him happy? He has. But go back ten, fifteen years ago — he was getting promoted right and left, he was the toast of his company. Would he be doing better if he were playing in a different company, a different industry? Probably, but it’s a little late to be making a career change now. Just let this thing run its course and he’ll get back to where he used to be. Sounds like he might have a new hobby in gun collecting, anyway — try nurturing that, see where it leads. With the career and family he has and a new hobby or two, he’ll be fine.

We prefer to think of them as an entrepreneurial youth group. Missouri redshirt freshman safety Gilbert Moye has interests including networking with other young urban youth, the color blue, and interpretive hand signal exchange. David Boren just told Bob Stoops to kick him off the team, and wants none of these excuses about him going to another university with an entirely different football team.

SMQ kindly points out to Stoops that no significant members of “the internet culture” called for Josh Jarboe’s removal; in fact, prior to the day of Josh Jarboe’s dismissal, neither did Stoops. The unsubstantiated but persistent rumor you will hear on the internets culture is that the order came directly from OU President David Boren, which makes sense. You would have to deliberate for days to come up with a response as harebrained and trigger-happy (get it?) as the decision to boot Jarboe; being a former Senator, bad decision-making and nitwit policy flow from him naturally.

(Big ups to Boren for the Boren National Security Language Fellowship, though. Let’s not be totally unfair, here…just slightly unfair.)

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. All-Caps Mike Gundy ENJOYS THE TASTE OF RED BULL. He says he sticks to coffee until around 11 in the morning. We assume “coffee” means “espresso poured directly into eyeball because HE IS MAN 40 ETCETERA RAAAARRRGGH.

Ed Orgeron was the last coach we could remember being an avowed Red Bull drinker. If Gundy loses his job after the season, we’ll call it a trend of two: declare love for Red Bull publicly as a coach, and then immediately lose job.

It also explains some things of course. Contrast exhibit A:

“When you combine those two together, you always have a risk,” he said. According to Clemens, some major concerns with mixing these two drinks include, but are not limited to, cardiovascular risk, impaired judgment, shortness of breath, dizziness, disorientation and rapid heart beat.

Exhibit B:

It gives you STROOOOOOOOOOOOOKES!!!

Joel, who has a thing for fonts and logos, analyzes both the scariest (eep!) and the blandest of logos. Air Force really deserves better, but our suggestion of a mushroom-cloud font would have only flown through the approval process at the peak of the cold war.

Cocaine is funny except when it isn’t. John Reaves, the one-time Gator great, is arrested for cocaine possession, but only after pointing a gun at two men in an altercation. How the hell do you get to 58 being a cocaine addict? Do you have a heart you use only on weekends and a removable septum?

George O’Leary speaks to the Orlando Sentinel for UCF’s Media Day. That’s so nice of him.

Yet Coach Dan Hawkins’ blog is not only real–it will fucking change your life, brother. Because Dan Hawkins knows you’re not living life to the fullest, and he’s got the blinding html skills and excerpts from motivational handbooks and half-baked eastern philosophy texts to shoot gallons of metaphysical nitrous into those underperforming cylinders of yours, as evidenced by this awesome screenshot. Be the bow!

He quotes Clint Black at the top, something we’d make fun of if we didn’t earnestly love like at least ten Clint Black songs. That midget can rock, albeit in a countryish, paralyzed on one side of his mouth kind of way. We like to think of Clint Black as what Terry Bowden looks like in his wildest fantasies, where he’s tearing ass on a horse across the Western landscape with Catherine Bach on the back of his saddle and his shirt open to reveal ripped pecs and abs.

But don’t limit him to country, spirit-prison-warden:

Music? I am going with the ole standby, Van Morrison. Again, don’t listen to the top 40 stuff of Brown Eyed Girl. Dig a little deeper, some great soul searching going on there!

Oh, Coach Hawkins. You make us want to curl up on a brown couch in a brown house decorated in various shades of brown, eating fondue, listening to Van Morrison, and just enjoying the mellow vibe of our new, multilevel contemporary house, all soaked in before a drive in the new Audi, maybe a little raquetball at the club, and then a relaxing dip in the hot tub with some Riunite while Gaucho plays in the background.

(HT: MK)

We discuss this week’s games. Enjoy? Yes. Enjoy.

Orson: wearing this to the game on Saturday.

Peter Bean: What’s up in your world?

Orson Swindle: I’m so Master Chief this week. It’s HALO-ween

PB: Ah, feeling violent. Was it Ole Miss?

OS: Oh, yes. We coudl have used something from the game. There’s this thing called an antigravity hammer in Halo 3. I call it the Tebow-rod. It doesn’t require ammo.

PB: Can it do four play action maneuvers all by itself?

me: Yes. But you hit things with it so hard and so many times, that at one point, you just can’t hammer any more. You’ve outbludgeoned bludgeoning, and you have to stop. Just like Tebow, who looks like he’s doing the electric slide back there on some plays.

PB: Let’s pull up this week’s schedule.

OS: Hold on, i can do that with my anti-grav hammer DONE!!! I also just repelled Beano Cook fifty feet into a brick wall through the portal of ESPN.com. He’s still asleep!

PB: And start with Friday – West Virginia-USF. There won’t be anti-gravity in Tampa. But there will be lots of hair gel.

OS:Yes, WVU. Noel Devine as Q-bert. He doesn’t sidestep, he edits the film to make himself go sideways.

PB: I was thinking Sonic the Hedgehog.

OS: That’s McFadden. Always forward. And craves gold coins.

Peter: I bet Nutt trains him like a greyhound. Coins and rabbits and hydraulics out in front of him. CHASE!

OS: I bet he tries that, and D-Mac has no clue what he’s doing. EAT ‘EM! THEY’RE COINS!

OS: “What the fuck, H-Nutz?”

PB: I imagine the Arkansas huddles are delightful. Play gets called in. D-Mac says, “Fuck all that. Gimme the fuckin pig, baby.”

OS: I bet Casey Dick just cries and nods.

PB: He uses his hand towel to daub away the tears.

OS: This matchup makes little sense. Last year Slaton was injured, no? Burns from approaching the speed of light, I think?

PB: Yes. Cracked his ankles breaking the sound barrier.

OS: Common in Morgantown. I thought he tripped over the sound barrier.That’s a painful one.

PB: Matt Groethe as sitcom character: go

OS: House? No rhyme or reason

PB: But gets it done at the end.

OS: I just like the idea of him walking with a cane, and then buh-BLAU! He busts out at a dead sprint for a first down. He’s a maverick. Unpredictable. Dependent on pain medication.

PB: MacGyver, perhaps. He’s crafty, out there, looks rather douchey

OS: No mullet. But he does live in Tampa. You can pull one out of the ether there.

PB: To Saturday – can you explain why Oregon-California is a 3:30 game?

OS: Yes. Wake and bake, dude! Wake. And bake. KNOW WHAT I’M TALKIN’ BOUT BRO?

OS: Oh, and ESPN hates the West coast.

PB: Except for USC, who occupy the night slot against Washington. What a waste. Wake and bake is grand, but I want to be boiling drunk for Cal-Oregon evening game. They botched it.

OS: Completely. Penn State at Illinoize: Morelli is getting better and better!

PB: I agree. Two more years in the system and he’ll be league-average. Progress is progress man.

OS: Morelli just tried to send me an email. It missed–I think it’s in your inbox.

PB: Zing!

OS: Seriously they’re seriously awful on offense seriously.

PB: I liked Joe Pa’s decision to try to run up the middle against Michigan. It worked in 1965. It’ll work today. Screw spreading the field.

OS: Worked in 1965–just like the domino theory. JoePa’s fighting communism one iso play at a time. If they hit forty points, the Congo falls to the hottentot reds!

PB: Hopefully he’s adaptable. “Beat Michigan, the rest will fall” is off the table.

OS: Texas has k-state? I can haz vengeance for Texas?

PB: We do. We’ll be trying to sack an oak tree.

OS: Or Vince Young’s penis. Same thing.

PB: Speaking of things which will kill you–

OS: (Ron Prince for some reason reminds me of the OxiClean guy.)

PB: Fans in the midwest will be getting Michigan State-Wisconsin instead of Cal-Oregon. You’re welcome.

OS: Why would they want Cal-Oregon? They score vile olde touchedownes out there. Again: that’s commie football. If they only all had the Big Ten network…

PB: Speaking of revenge, will Tim Tebow eat Tommy Tubberville on Saturday?

OS: No. Not even Timmy can down those ears. They’d lodge sideways in his mighty gullet. Tebow may rip them off, tie them to his back, and throw him off the stadium lip. That’s how Tebow will break the Red Bull Flugtag North American record: Tuberville, earless, flying above Gainesville for 780 feet before landing gently in on University Ave and being hit by an oncoming tractor trailer.

OS: I hate the way Auburn plays. I don’t even know where they get points. They keep a few in the coolers on the bench, I think.

PB: They should join the Big 10. Wisconsin-Auburn! Race to 2!

OS: You know that goofy does football game that ends with 10 and a half points? That’s an Auburn score. I hate playing them.

Peter: They had no business ruining your perfect season last year

OS: Yes, they did. In the streak of blissful conquests, they were our Vietnam. We didn’t know who was shooting. We had no plan. We came out covered in tears and fleeing in a helicopter.

OS: BTW–Charisma alert! Pitt plays UVA Saturday. You were talking about race to two?

PB: Can we fly Chan Gailey in to complete the lobotomal trifecta

OS: No. This would result in the heat death of the universe, a.k.a. The Beige-ening!

PB: I will never understand why ESPN does not cover football as we do. The Beige-ening! Part 2.

OS: Forecast for weather gameday: eh, okay. Attendance:Not so many, not so few. Game summary: Not bad, one team lost, one team won. No big whoop.

PB: Is Gameday at Cal this week? If so, I want Lee Corso not to do the traditional donning of the mascot head. I want him to pull out a bong and take a big rip, while the crowd looks at each other with confusion. “Who’d he pick?” “I cant tell.”

OS: Oh, yes. Live from Eugene. Piles of weed jokes. The duck’s been spunky, lately. Perhaps he’ll assault Corso.

PB: He’s a vicious looking Duck. Four Day Meth Bender look on his face.

OS: SmileX! Gives ‘em a grin, ageyun, and ageyun.

OS: I’m backtracking. But I can’t believe that Al Groh and Dave Wannstedt are coaching against each other and being paid to do so.

Peter: The midfield pregame handshake should be fun. Dave: “You prepare much for this?” Al: “A little. You?” Dave: “A little.” Al: You okay with a tie?” Dave: “I’m okay with a tie.”

OS: Al: “I’m gonna call a fake punt in the late second.” Dave: “Me, too.”

OS: Al: “Can we call them at the same time?” Dave: “I dunno. Lemme check the rule book.”
Al: “That would be boss, Dave.”

PB: “I always pass deep on 2nd and short.” “Ok. Me too.” “Meet for a drink after the game?” “Definitely. Cranberry juice okay?” “Ideal.”

OS: “No surprises, ok?” “No surprises. I hate those.” “Me, too.”

PB: “The fans hate surprises.”

OS: “All eight of ‘em that showed up.”

PB: “They are here. Let us give them what they expect.” “3 and out?” “Alwaays”

OS : The “most susceptible to THIS IS OUUUUUURR COUUUUNTRY bowl” goes to Bama/FSU in Jax. You could lay a Starbucks Frappucino in the middle of that fracas, come back three hours later, and it will be completely untouched. Or filled with piss and skoal spit. I’m not touching it after that, anyway.

PB: And Fun Bags

OS: Lots of skin cancer at this game.Dormant and active. And goatees. I still maintain that the goatee is the unironic, naff mustache of our age.

PB: My goatee joke bag is empty. They’re just gross… Sorry – scraping my jaw off the floor. A perfect 10 just walked right by me. In South Bend, Indiana!

OS: Tag her.

PB: I tackled her.

OS: Tranq her first, but tag her and spray paint a number on her side. This makes later study and recapture easier.

PB: First tackle of the year in this town.

OS: Point to the Texan team!

PB: Any upsets on your radar this week?

OS: Let’s check–Rutgers at MD? No. Maryland’s got amazing slows.

PB: It’s in New Jersey, so no.

OS: Ray Lewis is on their sidelines a lot. Only way they win is if Ray Lewis feels threatened and starts cuttin’ and gets Ray Rice.

PB: I like Penn State to implode this week.

OS: “I like Penn State to implode every week.” Fixed that for you

PB: Good editing

OS: I like Illinois there, too.

PB: If Texas loses, I may be calling you from the top of a tall building. Prep for a replacement host Sunday night.

OS: You won’t lose. K-State’s offensive line sux with an ‘x.’ But Ron Prince knows this great way to get the bloodstains out of your favorite blouse.

PB: I’m bringing a Power Towel just in case. I’ll wave it at Freeman and see if he tries to eat it.

OS: No, Josh, no! That was our last trainer! (Freeman:NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM!)

PB: He will be the first QB-to-Nose Tackle conversion in football history.

OS: QB to Public Utility.

PB: “Is that Casey Hampton?” “No, Josh Freeman.”

OS: Just plop him right in the fucking Platte River. Instant hydroelectric power!

OS: If Iowa State beats Nebraska, we will eat a Chizik-nickel

PB: Nebraska is still ranked, by the way.

OS: “Nebraska is still rank, by the way” Never should have taught me gchat italics!

PB: You’re catching all my typos today.

OS: Games I will watch because I am sad, sad, sad. Florida Atlanta at Kentucky. Schnellenberger catches Woodson running out of bounds, breathes in his face. Woodson won’t sober up until Thanksgiving. ‘Cats still win.

PB: I want Kentucky to pull Les Miles’ pants down. So, so badly. It would serve the purpose of cosmic justice. Please, Lord, make it so.

OS: You can’t talk about Les Miles’ pants. Unless you hear about it from Les Miles. Now give him taffy!

PB: I’M A MAN, DAMNIT! I CAN TALK ABOUT WHOMEVER I WANT! I’M 27 YEARS OLD! DO YOU EVEN HAVE A BLOG?

OS: If you did, you’d understand. But you DON’T. But one day you will. And you’ll understand that people who correct your spelling are the most fucking annoying people ever.

PB: I’m out of time for today, Orson. But I have to ask you something before I go.

OS: Sure.

PB: What is Charlie Weis doing with his life?

OS: Shit, we need to clean up around here. Old “Punt Bama Punt!” bumper stickers…an autographed Cecil Collins crowbar…Jesus, it’s like haven’t cleaned in here since the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl—

AAAAAAIIIIIGGGH!! What the fuck, Galoshes? You know we hate it when you sneak up on us like that.

Galoshes McGillicuddy, the Gold-Lusting Whoremouthed Leprechaun of Glories Past : OI HOI, Swindle! I NEED DAT GOLD, N*****!!!

OS: You’ve been spending too much time in Alabama, Galoshes. What’s up?

Galoshes: Fuck yo’ couch! All the gold be in the hands of Saban, and he guards it with a dragon. Burnt me motherfuckin’ hands to rare filets, it did!

OS: Those…those need medical attention, Galoshes. What are you doing here?

Galoshes: What I do best, Swindle. Bring ye the down ‘n durrty on me old boys, The Foightin’ Irish.

OS: (takes out Inserection receipt and old red crayon.) We’re listening.

Galoshes: Don’t gimme that “we” shit, punk! I NEED DAT GOLD N****!!!

OS: Those hands…is that what that smell is? By the way, I have no gold.

Galoshes: Nevermind me hands! Then fifteen thousand in doubloons then, Swindle, for what ye seek to know…

OS: I will give you a dollar fifty and you will tell me, or I will spray you with Pine-Sol until you leave or die a lemony, horrible death.

Galoshes: Demetrius Jones is the starting quarterback against Georgia Tech, boy-o. You need ask no more. NOW GIMME DAT PAPER OR POP GOES THE WEASEL BITCH!!!

OS: (Sprays Pine-Sol on Galoshes’ red, swollen hands. Cries of agony ensue.)

Galoshes: Meant to say: you’re welcome, sirrah.

OS: No problem. How’d you find this out?

Galoshes: Oh, I have mah ways with Charlie, ya know.

OS: Say no more. Seriously. I don’t want to…

Galoshes: No, really, it’s fascinatin’, see? First I gets me lucky ball gag…then I–AAAAIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!

OS: (Sprays Pine-Sol, dials 911.)

One source is here. We confirmed this with Galoshes, who’s as good a source as you can imagine.

P.S. And here. Facebook, again!

The audio’s posted below, lovingly assembled by Holly from Ladies…If this isn’t empirical proof that talk radio makes you a dumber person, we don’t know what would do it for you, Flat-Earther.

MP3 File

P.S. We do sympathize with them, as we almost pulled the trigger on a story from the Piedmont Gazette last week before it dawned on us that preventing anyone with a 0.08 BAC or higher on gameday in Tuscaloosa would effectively leave the Crimson Tide playing to empty bleachers, discarded shakers, and one prissy teetotalling asshole named Elmer. A last minute fact-check saved us from our mandatory glaring error of the day, proving once again that Caffeine’s a hell of a drug.

Owen Schmitt: clouding our thoughts on the Big East with his awesomeness.

But our ramshackle thinking of the moment on the conference goes:

The Big East is full of smallish, very well-run programs, and two biggish, very well-run programs. Consider the picture four years ago for the Big East: a conference with its two prime milkers taken to different pastures (wooo SEC agricultural metaphors!) looked like a major conference downsizing itself into Conference USA-hood. Go check the number of articles on any blog or site back then proclaiming the death of the conference as a whole–they litter the back pages of the internet like so many Y2K panic articles/”Kings of Leon are the next shizznat” pieces.

The Big East is doomed! Bigfoot is gay! All the hot rumors of 2003.

What they failed to take into account were Mike Tranghese’s negotiating chops and the leveling effect the removal of the two apes of the conference would have. They drafted cannily from the lower rungs of the college football ladder, bringing USF and Cincy into the fold, and watched and learned the same lesson all wrestling fans learn in their first match: watching the midgets wrestle is a lot more fun than watching the big guys waddle around the ring.

And when the midgets drop suplexes on megaconferences in bowl games…well, now that’s real entertainment. West Virginia’s stunning victory over Georgia in the Sugar Bowl was the curve-setter. It was script sirloin for some budding screenwriter, complete with an improbable fake punt to seal the game after a surging Georgia comeback in the second half.

(Apologies, Bulldogs. But it has to be shown here.)

The Big East’s mid-sized to smallish programs are in tight competition, albeit with some top-heavy programs leading the way. Natural softshoe segue to…

We’re not sure what’s going to happen with Louisville. Coaching changes always give us grand mal seizures of anxiety as a prognosticator, and nothing’s quieting our nerves here. Anyone with a modicum of gray matter has to accept that Steve Kragthorpe, good as he might be, is a step removed from Bobby Petrino in terms of quality. All we really know about him is that he’s “serious about discipline,” and that he breathed life into Tulsa. He’s likely not as good a coach as Rich Rodriguez, though, and that blows us into the general direction of West Virginia, where the only significant coaching change comes on the offensive line with the loss of coach Rick Trickett.

Kragthorpe, however good he may be, will likely be a dropoff from 10-2 constant Petrino. By default that leaves West Virginia, the other mini-goliath in the conference.

Which leaves USF as the thinking man’s, couture pick for the Big East’s new overlord runner-up to the Mountaineers, who return cheetah-human hybrids Pat White and Steve Slaton to the backfield. Again, little changes for USF: frosh Matt Grothe and his amazing, Depeche Mode-themed highlight tape return to a spread offense on offense, and Jim Leavitt’s defense will keep them in every game they play, including their early season matchup against Auburn. (Tuberville teams’ slow starts should have Auburn fans hyperventilating over this game.)

They also wha-hoooped West Virginia in Morgantown and seem to play the Rodriguess! option game with discipline, something few other college teams seem to do. Then again, they also struggle in games they should blow through, as evidenced by the 21-20 FIU game last year where they nearly lost to Ned and Company. So take them as the continually rising but not quite there pick for the Big East: solid fundamentals, good prospects, but still lacking the overall program depth and consistency.

Which leaves you with Rutgers, basically, as the other option for a pick in the Big East. Steele’s all over Rutgers as being a huge letdown team this year since they came out on the lucky side of some damning offensive statistics (being hugely outgained but still winning, etc.) There’s merit to this–Rutgers got very, very lucky in many of their games last year, adding to the fairy-tale glow surrounding their ‘06 season. (Fairy tale minus the witches shoving children in ovens, etc. ) They were trounced by an iffy Cincinnati team 30-11, never got a grasp on the passing game, and generally looked like a team riding the high side of probability for most of the season.

And yet they sit there with eight home games this season, including a home bout against West Virginia and their pair of serious out-of-conference games against Maryland and Navy also coming to them at home. They could just as easily have the same season they had last year, which of course still means dropping two in conference and getting a prime bowl slot against a perfect bowl team for suckers like Kansas State, who they trounced last year in the Texas Bowl 37-10.

Putting hand over eyes, throwing dart… We suppose that means that we go into this thing standing next to our burning couch, firing a musket, and vowing to power vomit whiskey and venison sausage for old WVU this fall for the Big East title. And if Pitt makes any noise whatsoever, we’ll grow a Wannstache in apology/tribute.

Miles dropped the F-bomb in reference to Alabama. And when we say the F-bomb, we mean fuck, as in “fucking Alabama,” the answer he gave to a question about LSU’s biggest rivalry. He can be confused for Godzilla. He lets it rip! He seems just a pace out of step with most public speaking situations, which leads us to our story.

Miles missed a trip to Monroe, Louisiana last week due to bad weather. Being the nice professional that he is, Miles addressed the crowd gathered at the dinner via cellphone. (Again, non-SEC sports fans. These are adults standing rapt around a cell phone talking about football. You don’t take this shit as seriously. You just. Can’t.)

Miles opening line to the crowd he couldn’t see? “I look forward to getting to Shreveport to see a lot of friends.”

HELLLOOOOOOO CLEVELAND!!!!

It’s ok, Les. Dangerous Toys did the same thing during the Monsters of Rock tour in Shreveport, and everyone was so hammered no one noticed. And they were HUGE, man.

Erik’s got his own All-Name team for the SEC, and it’s strong, strong stuff. As for the king of all monikers, there can only one winner, and it’s special, indeed.

Be gentle with him…at first.

I want your job, Donaghy. Ted Miller takes SpeculativA!, the medication designed especially for columnists seeking material, in this week’s column on Jim Mora on the loose in Seattle as an overqualified secondary coach for the Seahawks. At the center of Miller’s speculation is an actual nugget of old but still enticing truth: that Mora infamously said on the air that he wanted Ty Willingham’s job while a.) Willingham still had/has the job, and b.) he was still the Atlanta Falcons’ coach at the time.

Ty Willingham straps on the faux Zen voice he uses for negative comments in an excerpt.

“My thought is very simply this: If you just let people speak, you can find out a lot,” Willingham said at the time.

Recover at your own risk from that, Mora! Your words are being examined for meaning! Be warned and go in peace, lotus blossom.

Anthony Reddick: Ned 2007? Miami (can’t spell it without the word “maim”) safety Anthony Reddick, next in the line of manic Hurricanes safeties, underwent reconstructive surgery for his torn ACL and will probably miss the entire 2007 bill. Lieutenant Winslow, illustrious Deadspin commenter and ‘Canes fan, wonders openly if Reddick will turn out to be the ‘Canes answer to the unstoppable force that is A’mod Ned.

We’re sure on one thing: the Texas State University Fightin’ Armadillos aren’t in there, and it’s a fucking crime. Kyle attempts to rank the elite teams in college football in recent history, and it passes any and all eyeball tests we’ve given it.

The top ten, as averaged out by their final ranking with a point subtracted for BCS titles (think golf, not badminton, you shuttlecock-tossing nancy boy.)

1)USC: 6.0

2)Texas: 6.0

3)Oklahoma: 8.3

4)LSU: 9.7

5)Ohio State: 10.8

6)Miami: 11.0

7)Georgia: 12.0

8)Michigan: 12.2

9)Florida: 15.7

10)Auburn: 16.5

Not a horrible estimate there. Only Miami looks really wonky, and that’s more a matter of the prejudice of the present sneaking in and coloring our view of an institution still capable of being nothing more than the premiere pro football prep program in the nation. They’ve sucked recently, but sun, forgiving academics, and the hordes of surgically enhanced and willing ass “Miami touch” all remain in place for future success.

Hey! Kick ball man groan funny!

All the best to Terry Hoeppner, who is still undergoing treatment related to brain cancer. Kick its goddamn ass, coach.

(If you have no idea what this is, a better explanation may be found at I Can Haz Cheeseburger than any we could possibly concoct. Even then, there’s no real explanation besides the ol’ eyeball test. You find it funny, or you don’t. Don’t talk, watch!)

Our first humble attempts at LOLFTBL follow. We will preface this by saying that we have seen Brian’s initial attempt at this art form, and that it is funnier than anything we’ve put together here.

Perhaps it’s a broken verbal agreement with a wannabe sports agent? That’s our guess.

When in doubt, tackle the genebag.

And, per request, this, which requires no caption:

Brandon Warren cannot play this Division 1 football you speak of, sir. Beginning the long list of things we’d at least like to mention…Bobby Bowden refuses to grant a release of scholarship to TE Brandon Warren, who initially signed on with the Seminoles before flaking out mid-semester and leaving school to take care of his ailing mother.

Google Image: making the symbolism just a bit too easy.

Seminolians claim Warren’s just homesick and dredging up his mother’s illness to excuse himself from his contractual obligations to FSU, all the while convincing the only recruit he was in charge of showing around the campus to make a firm commitment to the University of Tennessee. That, for the record, is not Florida State, the school he played a smidge of football at this past year.

Warren…um, Warren-ites claim he’s got a legitimate case. An FSU review board didn’t think so, so Warren’s on to pleading his case with the NCAA for a hardship (prognosis: meh) or to playing for a D-1AA or NAIA team. Carson-Newman, raise up!

Sit down: we’re actually going to give Bobby Bowden the benefit of the doubt here, since we’re unsure on whether FSU as a whole are being dicks to a kid who just wants out of a place he obviously didn’t like very much. We are sure, though, that today will involve a nap for Bowden under a soft blanket in a quiet, cool room. That’s a certainty.

Las Cronicas… continue for Boss Hawg. Hootens has a video interview with Nutt. His mannerisms are something a reader captured better than we can:

Just watch it. I’m a cop and I’m telling you his nervous mannerisims reek of deception.

Houston, don’t take the poly. Just don’t you may think you can beat the machine by flexing your ass muscles, but it won’t work. Trust us here. A drug charge in Malaysia’s hard to beat, but we only did it with a suitcase full of cash and the help of wily Nigerian we only knew as “Harabe.” The lie detector, though, worked just fine.

Michiganders and Vicodin. No charges, but two Michigan football players pulled over in a car with marijuana and Vicodin (the capital v is for “Very, very numb”) only adds a nettle to the thorny offseason Michigan’s endured already. Lloyd presumably closed practice in order to strip search players for contraband. Lab results are pending, but according to Jim Delany, Big Ten football players are smart enough to do their own lab work, and will have them processed shortly. Too bad SEC players steal the lab equipment in plain sight and then outrun them.

NCAA cracking down on prep schools. More Pete Thamel digdugging through the pay-to-play prep system used very successfully by basketball schools and to a lesser extent by football programs. The greatest beneficiary? Junior colleges, who already salivating over the chance to pick up the slack:

Byrnes also said those benefiting the most from this rule were junior colleges.

“They went from eating Caesar salad to prime rib,” Byrnes said.

Prime rib’s awfully fatty. Then again, so are many linemen moving slowly up the juco ladder to big programs, so the metaphorical fit is an apt one.

Finally, a chance to read half-assed commentary about cricket. We’re slowly but surely starting up the Fanhaus, the cosmopolitan freakshow section of AOL’s Fanhouse focusing exclusively on the wild, wacky, and often virally contagious world of international sport.
Did you know that a funeral service sponsors the World Lawn Bowling Championships? Or that Aussie cricket players live like Colin Farrell, minus the herpes and half-assed homemade porno? You do now.

UConn football player Brandon McLean was arrested twice in four days last week, having a few bad days in a row, singing a sad song and not turning it around at all, if his behavior’s any indication. Two incidents both of the largish domestic variety got him the pair of arrests, putting him squarely in line for anger management classes behind Andy Bernard and Alec Baldwin.

Note this, as well, from the Hartford Courant article:

UConn police charged McLean, 21, with one count each of threatening, criminal trespass and breach of peace after Wednesday’s incident. He faces a second breach of peace charge for the Saturday incident.

Threatening? Nice pick, UConn police. This ordinance must be unenforced in Ann Arbor, Michigan, or Alan Branch would have gotten several a day just walking around looking like himself. A point for each offense and a bonus point for two arrests in four days takes UConn to five points total.

It’s time to let your inner sex cannon out: NCAA 2008 is on the way.

–This year’s edition includes a “psychological factor.” Score a touchdown, everyone gets points for being happy. Fumble on the one, and your team goes up in flames like a Spanish religious effigy.

Improvements: Bonuses should include points for injuring opponents’ qb, decking mascot, or wasting coach on a tackle and spinning him stumbling into the bench. Since you can do this on every play anyway, you might as well build it into the incentives system.

Bonuses should also include: impregnating teammate’s girlfriend on the low, earning unsportsmanlike conduct penalties (sure sign of a winner,) and successfully running fake punt for a td on first down.

Negative points for impregnating teammate’s girlfriend and being caught, allowing camera to catch you shaking out cobwebs, and performing opponent’s signature cheer mockingly to camera. (This should actually guarantee a loss, judging from our studies.)

We’d also tag points for a player being a total and irredeemable dick. If he’s on your team, everyone loses points. If he’s on the other team, everyone gains points for hitting him. Florida fans will identify this as the “Doug Johnson Rule,” and the rating will appear as “DF” under the rankings for “Dick Factor.”

Dick Factor: 93, thank you very much.

–NCAA’s revamped career mode — also called Campus Legend mode — makes a comeback this year, letting gamers create a player and start building their skills in four rounds of high school football, Friday Night Lights-style. Perform well, and get recruited to play football at a top college.

Suggestions: If the menu doesn’t include “rob liquor store” or “run a train on an underage girl,” then EA is already counting the Marcus Vick fans of the world out of the purchasing audience. We cry foul if they’re not menu options in this stage.

Taking notes from Madden’s mini games last year, players can also choose what they want to do at night (sorry, no frat parties). Activities like playing basketball or going to the movies can either boost attributes (or not).

Suggestions: Ah, the possibilities. If this used the menu choices from our single life at the same stage in life.

1. Watch roommate’s vintage Europorn collection and masturbate
2. Watch Beastmaster on TBS for fourth time in three days.
3. Swipe three times the acceptable amount of samples at Whole Foods.
4. Get baked, watch Beastmaster for fifth time in three days.
5. Finish up our thesis on “The Oppression of Testicularity: The Totalitarianism of Starched White Boxers in ’50s Cinema.

If the Sims weren’t proof enough of this…your life would make a lousy video game.

Dorking out to unacceptable degrees on the fact that tonight we’ll be launching our career as a 456-pound sports talk host tonight. (We’ve got the show thing down–now time to start pounding the cheesecake to build ourselves a proper gunt.)

The particulars:

How to listen:: EDSBS Radio. Like you’ve got anything better to do, so click on this link to listen.

When: 8:00 EST–9:00 EST.

How to participate in a thrillingly interactive online community: To call in, you mean? But of course. Live calling is a feature on BlogTalkRadio, and you should call in. In fact, we’ll be having a contest to see who can make the most cliched sports talk radio call-in tomorrow night.

The number: (718) 664-6532

We’ll hopefully have a few surprise guests along the way. Click the banner below to go to our channel.

Ripping off our favorite radio show of all time, we’re taking The Bottom Line’s “Five Questions segment and making it…well, quality stolen property. Our five questions for the geeks who like time to prepare:

1. Make one prediction about next season pulled straight from the deepest recesses of your ass.

2. Who’s your shameshag? Someone keeps telling us that, for example, Christiane Amanpour is not hot. They are wrong, of course, but this would for a normal person constitute a “shameshag,” the celebrity only you find irresistable.

There’s something about a woman in a safari jacket who speaks Arabic.

3. Tweak one thing about college football. Prohibiting the wearing of pants on Erin Andrews does not count. Okay, it might.

4. Hire one coach, fire one coach. Simple enough.

5. Sweaters with ties: yes or no? It was our new year’s resolution to wear more sweaters with ties. What are your feelings here?

We’ll hear from all fifteen of you tonight. ‘Till then, we’re off the grid.