EIGHTBALL THE TIGER SAYS THIS IS YOUR OPEN THREAD FOR CLEMSON/GT NO I’M NOT HUNGRY BUT I WANT TO CALL SOME FRIENDS YEAH LET’S CALL SOME FRIENDS IT WILL BE AWESOME WE’LL ALL GO TO THE MARINA AND STEAL SOME BOATS AND RIDE AROUND AND SHIT I LOVE BOATS THEY GO SO FAST AND THEN WE’LL JUST LEAVE EM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE AND SWIM TO SHORE AND GO GET SOME MORE BLOW FROM MY FRIEND RODNEY HE’S SO COOL THEN WE’RE GONNA PLAY DARTS UNTIL WE PUT TOO MANY HOLES IN YOUR WALL HOPE YOUR OLD LADY DOESN’T MIND ME STAYING OVER ON YOUR COUCH I CAN HEAR MY HEART IN MY EYEBALLS IS THAT BAD?

De’Shon Sanders is the snowman, and he’s gonna melt under the interrogation lamps: the reserve defensive back for the Texas Tech Red Raiders was arrested at 1:30 in the morning today in Lubbock by DEA agents. Please note the scary Federal acronym. That’s the DEA, as in “pound-you-in-the-ass federal prison” Feds. Sanders, caught with over 50 grams of cocaine, is trouble spelled with a capital DAMN.

Sanders is also a housemate of Michael Crabtree. Crabtree has not been implicated in the case in any way.

It cannot help Mike Leach’s efforts to sufficiently gain leverage to bleed some extra booty from the rules of his home port to have this happen, and it is a marginal distraction for Washington, who might be the team most serious about hiring Leach as a head coach. As for Auburn, who probably has a booster who is already literally throwing money at him and crying into the phone to him, this won’t matter OH GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE PLEASE COME COACH OUR FOOTBALL TEAM HOLY GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE.

Georgia Tech at Boston College

HOLLY (QUASI-RATIONAL): What do you call it when you’re picking a team for completely unsound reasons but they’re the better team anyway? I like Georgia Tech because I also like yelling, “BEEEEEEEEEEES!!” on a crowded sidewalk, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

ORSON (RATIONAL) Tech by creeping strangulation. Even against Jacksonville State the flexbone moved with grinding, almost infuriating pace, like some kind of giant horseshoe crab filterfeeding its way down the field, except that this horseshoe crab could occasionally make huge leaps, so really, it’s like a tarantula in armor, but underwater, and…goddammit, just take Tech and Dwyer, and add in Tech’s defensive line to pressure BC’s suspicious passing game into mistakes. Money spent on the Tarantulaleapingcrab-Bot is money well spent.

Southern Miss at Auburn

HOLLY (QUASI-RATIONAL): Southern Miss is plucky, upstartish, moxiefied, and fresh from knocking off Louisiana-Lafayette. This will not save them. Auburn has the devil’s own luck when it comes to close games, but they don’t need it this week. (The chop blocks will continue, y’know, to stay limber.)

ORSON (QUASI-RATIONAL): Southern Miss to cover, but Auburn will pull this out despite some horrific staggers because, after Chris Todd puts them in danger of an upset he will save them from all evil by boldly handing off to Ben Tate and Brad Lester. If you have not seen Brad Lester run: he kicks up his knees to mid-stomach on every stride, making tackling him in close quarters as appetizing as bringing down an Emu at a full run. Emu knees for the win, since we’re so big on transmogrified animal metaphors today.

San Diego St. at Notre Dame (more…)

Ask Catlab to make brainscrambler for you, and he makes brainscramblers for all. Courtesy of Barstoolio and in honor of the Miami/Florida game, we present: Starshine U.

Michael Irvin’s floating head will appear at the corners of your vision if you relax your eyes long enough. Then, it will snort anything white in the room.

The Fulmer Cup competition for 2008 ends tonight at midnight, and barring any West Virginia triple murders, Missouri drug busts, or the FBI unearthing a sleeper cell at Michigan, (Buckeye fan: “I knew it!”) this cat is skinned, and its coat is crimson and white. Um, actually, so is the cat, now that we’ve gotten the hide off and everything. What the hell are we supposed to do with this thing? It is pissed.

Congratulations are due to your winner, with a total of 28 points. Some people would say congratulations to someone who just won such a prestigious award. For such an occasion as this, we won’t just crack out the standard Asti Spumante—no, only the Andre Cold Duck Pink will do, and only if we have buckets and buckets of it.

Pop the cork, take a bow, and let the celebrations begin: a champion arriveth. Congratulations to Alabama on their 72nd national title, which Nick Saban appropriately does not have time to accept in person. Roll, Tide, Roll.

Jimmy Johns must be noted for his outstanding work in making this happen, selling cocaine an incomprehensible number of times to undercover cops in Tuscaloosa, but he wasn’t alone. Jeremy Elder, while not particularly good at robbery, was certainly enthusiastic enough to rack up points for two counts of first-degree robbery.

Johns and Elder alone would have won the Copa del Malfeasance, but teammate A.J. Walker kicked in by walking around drunk on the strip. But we’ve done that, you say! Of course you have, and if you are currently on the roster of the Crimson Tide, we invite you to submit your points to be tallied with the rest.

(Note: SAS Wiki includes Rashad Johnson’s dismissed charges for disorderly conduct on their total. This is an error, but the point total is not: 20 for Johns, a conservative seven for Elder, and one for poor A.J.’s solo Jagermeister Tango down the strip.)

This leaves the Ellis T. Jones Award for Outstanding individual Achievement In A Single Crime, which this year must also be awarded to Johns, who racked up twenty points for having the persistence to sell cocaine to undercover officers not once, but FIVE times. That kind of stick-to-it-iveness gets you championships. And lengthy jail sentences.

Our petitions for an award ceremony rebuffed, we had to rely on hidden camera footage take of Nick Saban at home to get any reaction from the most powerful coach in sport. From appearances, the Fulmer Cup is just one more piece of motivation to put on your wall.
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The most stunning event in the history of the Fulmer Cup places Alabama at the pinnacle of offseason feloniousness. Update brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson and as tenacious as a Jimmy Johns pit bull.

Jimmy Johns’ monumental arrest for powdered cocaine distribution nets Alabama a mountain of points as powdery as Breckenridge in February and just as immovable. (more…)

Jimmy Johns of Alabama, arrested for powder cocaine distribution for Alabama. Remember, it’s gotta be powdered, because them rock boys just roll while you slang the snow. Also, because crack is for poor people. You must never forget this.

From Al.com:

Asked for the specific charges, Kosloff said he believed the Brookhaven, Miss., native was arrested and charged with seven “drug-related” charges, including selling.

Police allege cocaine and marijuana are involved, Kosloff said.

Johns had moved from running back to “linebacker,” a term with numerous double entendres in light of the alleged charges. More to come, but we won’t use this as an excuse to post Dr. Rockso videos no we won’t we I DO COCAAAAAAAAAINE!!!! GONNA MAKE YOU A BALLOOOOOOON ANIMAAAAAAL!!!!

Seriously, he does a lot of cocaine.

Update: Mug shot with fierce beard. Worse news still: we’re going to have to have Brian rework the board again, because Alabama may have just taken a huge leap forward in the Fulmer Cup standings. (Five felony possession charges alone= FIFTEEN points. Digits, baby!)

The offseason survival guide would like to help you through this long, football-free offseason. In order to speed up this process, we’re all going back to 1979 to learn to be smooth. Crack open the champale and get your SMU jersey out. It’s about to get smoother than you ever imagined, albeit in a non-football way.

A Smooth House. The whole idea of smooth is to pretend you’re living on a houseboat in California, or in a ski house in Vail. (Not Aspen–that’s so 80s, man.) If you don’t have a houseboat in California, that’s fine: purchase a houseboat somewhere else. The houseboat should come equipped with a hot, lanky woman who wakes up in a bikini on it four or five days a week. She should be a marine biologist, or failing that,

If you can’t find a houseboat equipped with a hot, lanky woman in a hip-hugger two-piece, or just can’t find a houseboat, you must consider purchasing a home in the woods. The home should be made of pine cut into boards set at 45 degree angles, and it should feature wraparound decks, huge bay windows in geometric shapes, and an irregular offset roof with a window across the top. It should be decorated in mostly browns, feature lots of rugs and wicker furniture, and have a hot tub you can go into naked with some pink champagne and a brunette majoring in ecology or some shit like that.

Oh, and a fireplace with a rug in front of it, because that’s where you get your smooth lovin’ on. It’s as key as blow, backgammon, and Dallas on Friday nights.

Fondue. No class smoothness can happen without fondue. It’s important if you’re classing up to the Smooth Life to have a primo fondue set. (more…)