Brian presents the big board for the week. A smattering of notes on what was a quiet weekend follows.

Remember: Illinois and Mizzou are both victims of one player’s outstanding contributions. Depending on your semantics, then they’re not really winning as a team effort. That award would, at this point, go to the West Virginia Mountaineers and the nine points they earned last week for a large “intent to distribute” marijuana arrest. Tennessee is just a disorderly conduct or DUI charge away from nipping into the team lead, however, a move that would restore the earth to its proper axis, return to the king to his rightful place in Gondor, and get Arrested Development back on the air again.

Missing in action: A few obvious preseason faves miss the list completely, making them sleepers just waiting in the weeds to explode onto the board, or otherwise tranquil programs with shockingly little to worry about in the discipline department. Where’s former champ Marshall? Or heavy preseason favorite Arizona State? Or even Purdue, a team with consistently high scores throughout the short history of the cup? And whither Florida, Florida State, or Miami? Florida’s already got a point for a piddling underage drinking charge, but none of the big three has anything to show in the way of taserings, drinking while flying a blimp, discharging weapons in crowded daycares, or trafficking in exotic animals.

The Florida points are on the way in an update, so don’t bitch about it in the comments. This ensures one person at the least will bitch about it in the comments.

The Big Board for this week, brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

The new charges, notes, and clarifications:

The Vols pick up two for Faison’s DUI and continue to win the team award: five arrests in total only have them at the eight point mark, meaning they may be kings of the junk bond market, but in points alone they’re trailing due to the spectacular tallies of Missouri and Illinois.

Oregon enters due to the weird charge of “running a drug house,” a charge that must be from the civil code of Oregon or something since we’ve never heard it before. On paper, it merely looks like receiver Derrick Jones was arrested for contempt of court, so for the moment we’ll assess the Ducks with a mere two points. If the charges blossom into something spectacular–JONES HAD LIVE TIGER, WORLD IS MINE NEON FOUNTAIN SCULPTURE IN DRUG MANSION–then we’ll modify. For now, two points it is.

Note that Missouri and Illinois are up there for individual accomplishments, and so may both end up being Ellis T. Jones III candidates for individual achievement, not Fulmer Cup winners.

This week’s cup runneth over with points for Missouri and some bonus foam on that rapsheetaccino for Tennessee. The Big Board is, as always, brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

Missouri earned points we neglected to include last week, mostly because we couldn’t believe anyone not named Robert Downey, Jr. could be caught with such a diverse array of recreational drugs. And yet he exists: late of the Missouri football team, backup defensive tackle John Stull was arrested on Jan. 11th and is charged with two felony counts of drug possession, one misdemeanor count of drug possession, suspicion of possessing drug paraphernalia, possession of intoxicating liquor as a minor and use of a false identification.

Felony drug possession is a step above your average weed-toting Gator-inhalator charge, especially when you’re talking about coke and pills, which is precisely the case in Stull’s case. Three points each for those, one point for the misdemeanors, and we’ve cooked up a 10 point kilo of points for Missouri that was miscounted as 3 last week. We, like the Gainesville Sun, regret the error.

The asterisk by the score is significant, though: it indicates an early watch on the Ellis T. Jones III award, meaning the award for the single largest score for an individual. If Missouri stays clean for the rest of the Fulmer Cup race, we would award Stull the ET3 award, and give the program award to someone else. The point is to account for programmatic, patterned bad behavior ind a single program, not one outlier on an otherwise well-behaved team. Thus the little octopus hovering in the northeast corner up there.

Officer, I don’t like your tone. Tennessee lineman Anthony Parker picks up a bullshitty disorderly conduct charge, but a point is a point is a point here. Why is it a a bit bullshittish? Because Parker’s biggest crime seems to be hollerin’ and cussin’, a time-honored pasttime in Tennessee from what we can remember from our tenure in the Parallelogram.

Knoxville Police Department spokesperson Darrell DeBusk said Parker, 21, was arrested in the parking lot of the Sutters Mill Apartment complex just after midnight Saturday morning.

Henard then arrested Parker and took him to the detention center . . . .

That’s why it’s bullshit, but you don’t quiet down when the cops come a-callin’, and you get-a disorderly conduct charge and one point for the Vols, who are already making an outstanding claim in the early paces of the Fulmer Cup race. Tradition never graduates! WOOOOOOOOO!!! This is ourrrrrr country…..

And remember…Ole Miss picks up points for disorderly as well. We still think they’re blameless due to the intoxicating effects of erotic chicken.

P.S. Texas A&M’s points were an error, as well–the incident occurred during the season, and is not eligible.

The big board for this week, looking much the same as it did last week due to a spurt of good behavior or poor enforcement by the university police of this nation.

Notes, apologies, and addenda follow.

Boise State makes the big board per Tomek’s tip on the odd DUI arrest of John Helmandollar, Boise State running back who was picked up by Boise PD for driving under the influence of “something other than alcohol” at 11 a.m. Friday morning. Even odds on the substance, posted by EDSBS Wagers Ltd:

–Weed 2:1
–Meth 3:1
–Masturbated self into spunk-drunk stupor 4:1
–GHB 8:1
–Cocaine 12:1
–The people’s choice, Purple Drank 14:1
–MDMA 15:1
–LSD 18:1
–Nutmeg 35:1
–High on Jesus 50:1
–Under the intoxicating influence of intoxicating T-Payne ballad 75:1
–Delusional from all night reading session with bootleg Harry Potter 500:1
–Quaaludes 600:1 (He found the last one!)

Boise gets two Fulmer Cup points for DUI without using any trick plays at all.

Michigan will need some adjustment since the marijuana charges against one of its players have been dropped completely.

We’ll post the Fulmer Cup scoreboard in a bit, but we’re trying to track down exactly what the charges are going to be involving two Florida Gators, Brandons Powell and James. There’s an increasingly well-documented series of accusations about the two of them being arrested on Sam Donaldson-serious drug charges last niight. We’ll dig and figure this out.

In the meantime, um…smile?

New coach Nick Saban and Les Miles have used text messaging and other new technologies to try to get the edge in recruiting. But the two coaches, now bitter rivals in the hotly contested SEC West, have resorted to an old but reliable method of getting their message across to a recruiting base more attuned to the sound of the streets than the cheery bromides of a middle-aged white coach.

“Dawg, I thought he was clownin’, but dude’s got flow,” says Memphis area mixtape impressario B-Crack90. “His first joint is my second leading seller, right behind T-Nutz’s Xerox Me Your Thickness/ Da Remix featurin’ Akon. Say-Bann got the streets bumpin’ and you heard that.”

Whuppin that trick on the dance flo’: MC Say-Bann.

Saban made the tape on the advice of his players, who suggested that it was an appropriate response to Les Miles referring to the Crimson Tide as “Fucking Alabama” in an LSU booster meeting. Production was handled by several anonymous Alabama players, including one known only as “DJ Longshanks,” and was completed in typically prompt Saban fashion.

“He dropped, like, 38 tracks in two hours, man,” said DJ Longshanks, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “He was mailing them in, like, bam bam bam. We were astounded.”

Sporting a delivery somewhere between Slick Rick and Eminem, Saban taunts not only Miles and LSU fans, but most of the big names in the football world on the leadoff single, “I Ain’t Got Tyme (4 This Shit)”

(Warning: extremely adult language.) (more…)

We begin this tale with the facts involving two TCU players cited for misdemeanor weapons charges in Texas. A rent-a-cop named K.D. Willingham, moonlighting from his day job as a Ft. Worth police officer, approached Robert Leandro Henson, 21, and Stephen Eugene Hodge, 19, both players on TCU’s Horned Frogs football team. (HT: Tomek.)

From the superbly named Daily Skiff:

According to the police report, Willingham saw Henson holding a black handgun. Henson handed the gun to Hodge, according to the report, who “raised the firearm into the air and fired several rounds.” Willingham then identified himself as a Fort Worth police officer, pointed a shotgun at Hodge and told him to put the gun down, according to the report.

The conversation had to go something like this.

Henson: Whew, I’m tired, man.
Hodge: Yeah. Beat. Hey, what’s that?
Henson: My new nine. Wanna see it?
Hodge: Sure. (Takes gun) Is it loaded?
Henson: Nah, man. I’m not dumb, right?
Hodge: So I could take it like this and just (BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM)
Officer: FREEZE!!! POLICE!!!
Hodge: Um, you were wrong. That gun was loaded.
Henson: Shit.

Stop hatin’, five-oh. Those bullets go straight into space.

The Horned Frogs are assessed two points for the incident, as this is Texas and wantonly discharging a firearm seems to belong in a class of crimes loosely classified as “party gone out of bounds.” Henson did, however, have three outstanding Class C warrants at the time of his arrest, so perhaps a bonus point for stupidity is in order? Sure. Bonus point plus two for Kenneth Tookes Target Practice = three total for TCU, making their entry into Fulmer Cup 2007.

Addendum: don’t laugh! When frogs and guns meet, people get hurt.

Congrats to the Florida basketball team, presumably doing it real big in Gainesville. You have no idea what this means, which is what Joakim Noah is telling you here:

Nailing whole seabass to car hoods? Making love to trees? Oh, if Noah’s involved, all that and more.

It’s been busy at the ferret ranch this week. Pardons for the lateness.

And in conclusion–whose remarks you may find in the 458 page addendum… A happy salute to T. Kyle at Dawg Sports, who crossed the year mark at his new blog digs. As college football’s most verbose blogger, we found his 206 word post on the topic a bit short. Despite his unusual restraint, we salute him with his favorite slice of cheesecake, the only cast member of Sex and the City with proper behind: Kristin Davis.

Badonkadonk is too strong. Serviceable hiney, perhaps?

We’re very concerned about academics…and a fifteenth game. The Wiz says Jim Delany, whose online, bitch-o-cratic broadside against the SEC started much online fooferaw, is among those in the Big Ten looking into extending the regular season into December. For academic purposes only, we’re sure.

Delany, seen here saying something about academic integrity.

Al Groh-ll bounce….ahhhhhh SKATE! Ian, late of Sexy Results and one of the five funniest writers on the planet when not lawyering, reminds us that spring is the most bittersweet of times for the UVA fan: a crap season finished, yet a disproportionate number of Cavaliers going in the draft. Ah, for the pleasure of being called a “homeless man’s Brian Leonard.”

Offseason Coping Technique #35767: Compulsion. One More Dying Quail is playing their way through a mock playoff and documenting every last thumbstroke of the affair. Don’t act like you did this and just didn’t write it down. We see that Burt’s Bees lip gloss, too. Don’t try and tell us it’s “manly lip balm for fishermen and stuff.” It’s lip gloss, and no amount of denial will change that.

Brian Stouffer, Court Artist. Brian’s got the best summary of what happened at the Charlie Weis mistrial, and it’s splashproof monitor-safe only.

Your flag football game will not be this cool. We’re thinking of starting a flag football league, but are intimidated by our local competition in the Atlanta area. If they’re playing this song during the whole thing, we’ll be too busy walking it out and doing the Bankhead Bounce to run our gunknife offense effectively.