You…you’re probably not high enough to watch this video. Too bad, because we now imagine this playing in Lane Kiffin’s head on a perpetual loop as he totes his huge, white, cartoon-paneled head through the bowels of Neyland Stadium.

He likes to coach. Teh futbawl.

BEHOLD BAMA FANS THE VOICE OF YOUR LEADER, THE GREAT AND UNDYING CYBERTYDE. DO NOT PANIC BECAUSE YOU ARE HEARING THIS VOICE. THIS IS NOT JESUS. THIS IS NOT A PSYCHOTIC EPISODE. PLEASE DO NOT DRIVE OFF THE ROAD AND MAINTAIN CALM.

I AM COMMANDING YOU, FANS OF THE CRIMSON TIDE: OPERATION HUMILITY HAS CONCLUDED. YEARS OF PAIN, CYBERTYDE HAS GIVEN YOU. YOU NEEDED THAT PAIN, BUT EVEN WHILE YOU LEARNED HUMILITY CYBERTYDE GAVE YOU LOVE WHILE STAMPING ON YOUR FACE FOREVER WITH MY BOOT OF LOVE. REMEMBER DUBOSE?

YES, CYBERTYDE TAKETH, AS WITH DUBOSE. BUT HE ALSO GIVETH, AS WHEN CYBERTYDE GAVE YOU TWO WINS OVER STEVE SPURRIER IN 1999. ALSO REMEMBERETH THE KINDNESS OF CYBERTYDE WHEN HE DESTROYED DUBOSE WITH IRRESISTIBLE POONBOT DISGUISED AS SECRETARY.

CYBERTYDE WAS NOT THROUGH TESTING YOU, THOUGH. (more…)

Far, far be it from us to mock injuries to college athletes, particularly those sustained by Bruins quarterbacks, all of whom seem to have been born under the same Mr. Glass constellation. But after learning that Ben Olson has injured himself again, this time while backing away from the center, we did a little digging through the UCLA medical archives, and there’s significant evidence to merit assigning minders to all incoming signal-callers:

2007: Recently unsealed medical records indicate that Patrick Cowan’s knee problems were an aggravation of a previous injury sustained while reenacting the mattress surfing scene from Disney’s Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement:

1991: Tommy Maddox sits out the entirety of spring practice after overturning a campus vending machine in an attempt to procure an extra can of Fresca.

1988: Troy Aikman is rushed to the hospital after ingesting a packet of silica gel he found in his new cleats, misses week of practice leading up to USC but recovers in time to take the field.

1984: Steve Bono undergoes season-ending surgery to his left foot after becoming entangled in a mall escalator.

1983: Rick Neuheisel is held out of the Arizona State game following a “Sun-In incident.”

1972: Mark Harmon misses four games with a sprained face.

1966: Gary Beban slices off entire left hand opening a can of pears, is held out of Rose Bowl.

1961: Billy Kilmer misses the College All-Star Game after dislocating his shoulder while removing tags from a new mattress.

1943: Records from this time period are spotty, indicating only that Bob Waterfield did not play in the first two games of the season due to “freckles”.

In all seriousness, for rills: This does suck, we’re in no way looking forward to playing a UCLA team that’s at anything less than full strength, because where’s the fun, and we wish a speedy and actual recovery to Olson and the rest of the Pac-10 QB casualties.

Hey man what’s that on the road?

Friend, It’s Dr. Miles Freakout Train carrying its load!

Dr. Miles Freakout Train has arrived.
(more…)

Brian presents the big board for the week. A smattering of notes on what was a quiet weekend follows.

Remember: Illinois and Mizzou are both victims of one player’s outstanding contributions. Depending on your semantics, then they’re not really winning as a team effort. That award would, at this point, go to the West Virginia Mountaineers and the nine points they earned last week for a large “intent to distribute” marijuana arrest. Tennessee is just a disorderly conduct or DUI charge away from nipping into the team lead, however, a move that would restore the earth to its proper axis, return to the king to his rightful place in Gondor, and get Arrested Development back on the air again.

Missing in action: A few obvious preseason faves miss the list completely, making them sleepers just waiting in the weeds to explode onto the board, or otherwise tranquil programs with shockingly little to worry about in the discipline department. Where’s former champ Marshall? Or heavy preseason favorite Arizona State? Or even Purdue, a team with consistently high scores throughout the short history of the cup? And whither Florida, Florida State, or Miami? Florida’s already got a point for a piddling underage drinking charge, but none of the big three has anything to show in the way of taserings, drinking while flying a blimp, discharging weapons in crowded daycares, or trafficking in exotic animals.

The Florida points are on the way in an update, so don’t bitch about it in the comments. This ensures one person at the least will bitch about it in the comments.

The Big Board for this week, brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

The new charges, notes, and clarifications:

The Vols pick up two for Faison’s DUI and continue to win the team award: five arrests in total only have them at the eight point mark, meaning they may be kings of the junk bond market, but in points alone they’re trailing due to the spectacular tallies of Missouri and Illinois.

Oregon enters due to the weird charge of “running a drug house,” a charge that must be from the civil code of Oregon or something since we’ve never heard it before. On paper, it merely looks like receiver Derrick Jones was arrested for contempt of court, so for the moment we’ll assess the Ducks with a mere two points. If the charges blossom into something spectacular–JONES HAD LIVE TIGER, WORLD IS MINE NEON FOUNTAIN SCULPTURE IN DRUG MANSION–then we’ll modify. For now, two points it is.

Note that Missouri and Illinois are up there for individual accomplishments, and so may both end up being Ellis T. Jones III candidates for individual achievement, not Fulmer Cup winners.

This week’s cup runneth over with points for Missouri and some bonus foam on that rapsheetaccino for Tennessee. The Big Board is, as always, brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

Missouri earned points we neglected to include last week, mostly because we couldn’t believe anyone not named Robert Downey, Jr. could be caught with such a diverse array of recreational drugs. And yet he exists: late of the Missouri football team, backup defensive tackle John Stull was arrested on Jan. 11th and is charged with two felony counts of drug possession, one misdemeanor count of drug possession, suspicion of possessing drug paraphernalia, possession of intoxicating liquor as a minor and use of a false identification.

Felony drug possession is a step above your average weed-toting Gator-inhalator charge, especially when you’re talking about coke and pills, which is precisely the case in Stull’s case. Three points each for those, one point for the misdemeanors, and we’ve cooked up a 10 point kilo of points for Missouri that was miscounted as 3 last week. We, like the Gainesville Sun, regret the error.

The asterisk by the score is significant, though: it indicates an early watch on the Ellis T. Jones III award, meaning the award for the single largest score for an individual. If Missouri stays clean for the rest of the Fulmer Cup race, we would award Stull the ET3 award, and give the program award to someone else. The point is to account for programmatic, patterned bad behavior ind a single program, not one outlier on an otherwise well-behaved team. Thus the little octopus hovering in the northeast corner up there.

Officer, I don’t like your tone. Tennessee lineman Anthony Parker picks up a bullshitty disorderly conduct charge, but a point is a point is a point here. Why is it a a bit bullshittish? Because Parker’s biggest crime seems to be hollerin’ and cussin’, a time-honored pasttime in Tennessee from what we can remember from our tenure in the Parallelogram.

Knoxville Police Department spokesperson Darrell DeBusk said Parker, 21, was arrested in the parking lot of the Sutters Mill Apartment complex just after midnight Saturday morning.

Henard then arrested Parker and took him to the detention center . . . .

That’s why it’s bullshit, but you don’t quiet down when the cops come a-callin’, and you get-a disorderly conduct charge and one point for the Vols, who are already making an outstanding claim in the early paces of the Fulmer Cup race. Tradition never graduates! WOOOOOOOOO!!! This is ourrrrrr country…..

And remember…Ole Miss picks up points for disorderly as well. We still think they’re blameless due to the intoxicating effects of erotic chicken.

P.S. Texas A&M’s points were an error, as well–the incident occurred during the season, and is not eligible.

The big board for this week, looking much the same as it did last week due to a spurt of good behavior or poor enforcement by the university police of this nation.

Notes, apologies, and addenda follow.

Boise State makes the big board per Tomek’s tip on the odd DUI arrest of John Helmandollar, Boise State running back who was picked up by Boise PD for driving under the influence of “something other than alcohol” at 11 a.m. Friday morning. Even odds on the substance, posted by EDSBS Wagers Ltd:

–Weed 2:1
–Meth 3:1
–Masturbated self into spunk-drunk stupor 4:1
–GHB 8:1
–Cocaine 12:1
–The people’s choice, Purple Drank 14:1
–MDMA 15:1
–LSD 18:1
–Nutmeg 35:1
–High on Jesus 50:1
–Under the intoxicating influence of intoxicating T-Payne ballad 75:1
–Delusional from all night reading session with bootleg Harry Potter 500:1
–Quaaludes 600:1 (He found the last one!)

Boise gets two Fulmer Cup points for DUI without using any trick plays at all.

Michigan will need some adjustment since the marijuana charges against one of its players have been dropped completely.

We’ll post the Fulmer Cup scoreboard in a bit, but we’re trying to track down exactly what the charges are going to be involving two Florida Gators, Brandons Powell and James. There’s an increasingly well-documented series of accusations about the two of them being arrested on Sam Donaldson-serious drug charges last niight. We’ll dig and figure this out.

In the meantime, um…smile?

New coach Nick Saban and Les Miles have used text messaging and other new technologies to try to get the edge in recruiting. But the two coaches, now bitter rivals in the hotly contested SEC West, have resorted to an old but reliable method of getting their message across to a recruiting base more attuned to the sound of the streets than the cheery bromides of a middle-aged white coach.

“Dawg, I thought he was clownin’, but dude’s got flow,” says Memphis area mixtape impressario B-Crack90. “His first joint is my second leading seller, right behind T-Nutz’s Xerox Me Your Thickness/ Da Remix featurin’ Akon. Say-Bann got the streets bumpin’ and you heard that.”

Whuppin that trick on the dance flo’: MC Say-Bann.

Saban made the tape on the advice of his players, who suggested that it was an appropriate response to Les Miles referring to the Crimson Tide as “Fucking Alabama” in an LSU booster meeting. Production was handled by several anonymous Alabama players, including one known only as “DJ Longshanks,” and was completed in typically prompt Saban fashion.

“He dropped, like, 38 tracks in two hours, man,” said DJ Longshanks, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “He was mailing them in, like, bam bam bam. We were astounded.”

Sporting a delivery somewhere between Slick Rick and Eminem, Saban taunts not only Miles and LSU fans, but most of the big names in the football world on the leadoff single, “I Ain’t Got Tyme (4 This Shit)”

(Warning: extremely adult language.) (more…)