If you didn’t watch the Oklahoma/Texas Tech game Saturday night, you were likely enraged to the point of violence that ABC insisted on putting such piffle on in place of carving the country into three segments and giving we East Coasters what we craved: night-time ACC football, baby.
Actually, you weren’t, both because ACC games are hell to watch and purgatorially boring. Instead, you were treated to the Red Raiders’ upset of Oklahoma played to the accompaniment of the most anarchic crew in broadcasting, the Nessler/Maguire/Griese team of ABC. The anarchy comes mostly from Maguire, who’s game for anything: riding on the camera boom most of the day like The Watcher, chiming in on whatever strikes his fancy at the moment no matter what’s going on, and giddily living each second not paired with Joe Theissmann like it was his last.
Maguire even tried on the Red Raider outfit Saturday night, a getup made to look like a Zorro costume with a few extra swatches of red thrown in there. The original picture is funny enough, but we have yet to see a photo The Cheezburger Factory can’t improve on at least a little.
He is Paul Maguire, and he is here to steal your heart.
We’ve engaged in a joint venture with not one, but all of the LadiesDotDotDot crew. Better still, it’s an act of congress with six women our wife approved: a creation of an internet phenomenon involving no penetration or actual infidelity. We’re just that gangsta, ’scro.
The Ladies crew in conjunction with EDSBS have created the ultimate in playbook science: how to make love to a specific kind of sports fan. Since we’re all a little different, you need to know how to turn the corner on a toss sweep of a Volunteer fan’s panties, or turn a routine swipe of the bat into an inning-ending double play with a Red Sox fan. It’s knowledge the world needs, and we’re giving it to you cheap as free, internets dwellers.
The first installment? Our own unveiling of the intimate secrets of: HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A FLORIDA FAN, written by EDSBS Senior Gator Copulation Tactics Correspondent Orson Swindle. Holly and Texas Gal’s guides on how to make love to Texas and Tennessee fans will follow. That’s actual women writing about sex, and not the “women” you chat with on AOL who turn out to be state troopers.
How to make love to a Florida fan. Start by being Good Chris Leak, not Evil Chris.
Again, how you lived without this we’ll never know. Warning: contains sexual language of such a frank and unbridled nature that it would make Trick Daddy blush.
HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A FLORIDA FAN
Oh, Florida fan. You love scoring, and tonight I will hang fifty on you by halftime and have you begging for more. And that, Gator, will just be the start. (more…)
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