HOUSTON NUTT enters surrounded by a choir of African-American ladies.

Count Giggity: GIGGITAH, REBELS!!!

Rebels team: GIGGITAH!!!!

Count Giggity: MY CHILDREN WHAT A BLOTARKUS BANGFANGLED GAME WE HAVE IN FRONT OF US!!! GIGGITAH!!!

Rebels tea: GIGGITAH!!!

Jevan Snead leans over to Dexter McCluster.

Snead: Any idea what that means yet?

McCluster: No. I don’t understand a word this magnificent, addled genius ever says.

Snead: Let’s play along just to humor him. One never knows how it goes with these charismatic maniacal types. A simple…how does he say it? Giggitah? Right, let’s give it a shot. [turns to Nutt] GIGGITAH!!!

Nutt: THAT”S RIGHT JEVAN!!! GIGGITY!!!!

Dexter: Quite nice, Mr. Snead. The madman seems to have enjoyed your exclamation!

Snead: Why, yes, he’s excitable, to say the least. Let’s watch and see what he does.

Flash to the South Carolina locker room. Coaches are huddled around Spurrier’s closed office door.

Spurrier: No.

Coaches: Please come out, coach. We can’t go out there without you. You’re still the head coach.

Spurrier: Not of this bunch of losers, I’m not. I’m calling ESPN right now. Tuberville’s on there now, and he’s like some cut-rate spray-tanner version of me. Get my agent. I’ve had it with this shit.

Coaches: [quietly]

You’re the best,
Steve’s the best,
Off the tee, or on the field,
Steve’s the best there’s ever been.

Spurrier: [pauses.] Louder, please.

Coaches: [in unison]

Callin’ plays, or chippin’ in,
Steve’s the best that’s ever been,
Table tennis, golf or sex,
Spurrier is full of win.

Spurrier: Louder, please.

Meanwhile, in the Ole Miss locker room.

Jevan Snead: Is he just staring at us?

Dexter McCluster: Yup. Has been for four minutes. I’m timing it. Every now and then he just says “Mesmerise” really loudly, but mispronounces it.

Houston Nutt: SMESMERIZE!!!!

Dexter McCluster: Like that. I mean, this fellow doesn’t think we will fall prey to such vaudevillian bunk, will he? Mesemerism was clearly proven to be a fraud by–

Dexter: Jevan, I say, you haven’t–

Jevan Snead: [SMEZMERIZED; stares ahead blankly and confidently.]

Dexter: Oh, dear.

Back in the South Carolina locker room…

Spurrier: One more verse, and I’m comin’ out. But you gotta sing it like you mean it. I’m not comin’ out otherwise.

Coaches: [singing]

Shirtless and tan, hunky and tough
Flawless from the tee or the rough,
We won’t talk about his time in DC,
Spurrier rules from sea to shining sea.

Spurrier: Show ‘em the picture. Don’t I look good on that bike? TELL ME I LOOK GOOD ON THE BIKE, DAMMIT.

Stephen Garcia: You look tight on the bike, brah.

Coaches in unison: “Yes.” “Striking.” “The very picture of health.” “Quite the sportsman!”

Spurrier: I don’t believe you! I’m staying in here. Y’all go embarrass yourselves. I’m staying in here with Tiger Woods golf. He never lies to me…unlike some people I know.

Ole Miss masses in front of the tunnel. Houston Nutt is now doing the Tootsie Roll for no reason.

Nutt: TO THE LEFT! TO THE RIGHT! GIGGITY! TO THE FRONT! TO THE BUTT! LESSGO REBELS!!!!

Dexter McCluster: I remain confused by what this man does as a coach.

Jevan Snead: Me, too. It works, though.

Dexter: True. Let’s participate blindly and enthusiastically. This gentleman baffles, but he wins, unlike our former management.

Jevan: Quite. As the madman says: GIGGITY.

Dexter: And a GIGGITAH to you, sir.

Jevan: GIGGITY!!!

Dexter: My, this is getting fun. After you, sir.

Jevan: Yes, after you, my little Wildcat.

They begin to dance onto the field as the number four team in the nation.

Please, Senators’ Wives are ready to pleasure you! Also, take a scholarship offer at the door.

Proof of this: the hiring of dwarves, a sure harbinger you’ve entered the decadent phase of a civilization’s lifespan.

I am looking to hire a professional Dwarf Actor for frat house party entertainment at the University of Mississippi in Oxford Mississippi.

No amateur dwarves, please. They want someone who is committed to their dwarfdom, and not someone who just puts it on for dinner theater presentations of “Under the Rainbow” or your random Quebecois dwarf-tossing competition before going back to being someone full-sized. Tim Conway as Dorf, get your ass out of here. We’re not afraid to beat an old man unconscious, something David Cutcliffe knows all too well.

Pay is negotiable at around $150 hourly. Outstanding applicants should be no taller than 4′10” and have at least 6 months experience in any entertainment venue.

“Any entertainment venue” shall be defined as Harrah’s Tunica or Biloxi, officiating cockfights, tripping people in malls, or a go-cart track.

Expected tasks include dressing appropriately for the season such as elves for Christmas and leprechauns for St. Patrick’s Day.

Additional holidays celebrated will include Confederate Memorial Day, where you will dress as miniature Robert E. Lee, Arbor Day, where you will play a box hedge; and Easter, where you will dress as the Easter Bunny. The fraternity assumes no responsibility for your being shot by overly zealous local hunters. All risk assumed is yours.

Must be very cool around sober and drunk people and keep them entertained via telling jokes and general hilarious shenanigans (Like Weeman from Jackass). Rest assured we will provide the utmost care that you are not physically harmed at these social events and will not expect you to do anything outside of your comfort zone.

You will be physically harmed at these events, and expected to do many things outside of your comfort zone, especially if you are black. Oh, MOST especially if you’re black, but $150 an hour is $150 an hour. (At least they pay now.)

In all seriousness, this is a terrible omen that Houston Nutt will appoint a horse consul and fiddle as the Grove and its chandeliers burn. We’re all but certain they wrote about this kind of decadence destroying the Roman Empire in Gibbon’s Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, but we’re not reading it. We saw Mad Men two weeks ago. Hearing Gibbon’s prose gives old men strokes, and we have to make it to Saturday at least.

Serious applicants only please.

(HT: Dr. Saturday.

Sir Stanley: Gentlemen! I seek philosophical entertainment!

Elrick, Duke of Necessity: Certainly. Today’s fox: What is sexy? Discuss!

Sir Stanley: Why sir, I had no idea you would play right into my hands! In my studies of the colonies and their primitive yet exotic derivative of our own culture, I have come across one thing they do excel at: the iconography of the sexy. I attribute to their mongrel blood, as they are too close to the base passions that rule us all, and therefore incapable of escaping it in the fine Alpine tower of reason as we do.

Elrick: Quite. But you have diverged from our path of inquiry, have you not?

Sir Stanley: So easily lost in the thorns, Elrick, and yet a nose away from the rose! Not at all, Elrick. For instance, I will show you using an experiment of PURE SCIENCE what sexy is. A sample from the colonies I believe you’ll find especially compelling. I will apply the following picture, a sample of pure sex, to the following array of items arranged on that table over there. Are you prepared, Elrick?

Elrick, Duke of Necessity: As ever, friend. Experiment away.

Sir Stanley: And…begin:

Sir Stanley unveils the picture.

Sir Stanley: And we observe its effects!

Elrick, Duke of Necessity: Why, the panties seem to have a particularly strong reaction there.

Panties: Wheeeeeee we’re flying!!!!

Sir Stanley: Yes, let’s turn it now–careful, don’t get in its path, the rays could be quite powerful–and point it at that row of champagne bottles over there.

Elrick Duke of Necessity: Wait, now, that’s our morning’s ration there–

Silence.

Sir Stanley: Um, why, I….

Elrick Duke of Necessity: We’re not speaking for a week. Also, I’m off to drink all the cooking sherry out of the cabinet and rumpus around with your maid as revenge. Your lack of objections to my plan will be your apology.

Sir Stanley. Why, um, yes. Yes.

(HT: FOTP.)

PASTOR HOUSTON NUTT approaches the podium.

Nutt: MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS!!! CAN AH GET A GIGGITY!!!

Assembly: Giggity!

Nutt: Ah said…..(smiles, pauses, looks up at the rafters…) CAN YA GIVE THE LORD A GIGGI-TAH!!!

Assembly: GIGGITY!!!

Nutt: Now let’s sing it out…HOW MANY TIMES DID THE LORD BLESS US?

Choir: THREE!!!!

Nutt: And a what—

Choir: SEVEN!!!

Nutt: THE LORD DONE BLESSED US WITH–

Choir:

THE LORD DONE BLESSED US THIRTY SEVEN TAAAAAAAIIIIIIIMES!!!!

The band strikes up into a thumping gospel beat.

Choir:

DONT NEED NO MATH
DONT NEED NO PROOF
37 TIMES WE GOT THE TRUTH

Nutt (solo):

Well, I went a walkin’ (He went a-walkin’)
Round this here state (This here staaaaaaate)
Got to find some players Find us some plaaahayyeeerrrs…
Make-a Ole Miss greaaaaaat Whoaaaahoaaawhoaaahhhahhhh

Ain’t much for countin! No no no nooooo!
Found out reaaall soooooon
Like his buddy Houston
Neither is Pete Boone Ain’t doin’ no maaaaaaath

WE GOT THIRTY-SEVEN!!! (Three! And! Sev’n!)
That’s seven and three…
My major wadn’t math (oh no no no)
Mine was victorreeeeee (Victory oh mercy me!)

When the Lord comes a callin’
He’s gonna say to meeeee
GIGGITY BOTARKUS
And a seven and a threeeeee….

Choir: WHOOOOOO!!!!

Breakdown. Just the drums and the choir.

NOW HOUSTON HOUSTON THAT’S YOUR NAME
ANNA SIGNIN THEM RECRUITS IS YOUR GAME
IF THE LORD WANTS YOU SIGNING MORE THAN 25
YOU CAN’T DISOBEY, WANNA STAY ALIVE

Nutt: I’d sign twenty, and a couple more
Found myself at a-thirty four
Liked a linebacker, and I signed him too
Signed a couple more and breezed on through

Kept on a-signin’ till the early morn
Would-a kept goin’ through the noon and night
Ain’t nothin’ saying I can’t sign more
Gimme a pen and a paper and you know I might—

ALL STOP.

Nutt: I MIIIIIIIGGGGHT!!!!

Choir:

YEAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

Nutt:

I…..I……I…

Audience: TESTIFY PASTOR HOUSTON!!!!

Nutt;

I…might just…I might just siiiiiiiiiiiiign….

CHOIR:

HOOOOOOWWWW MANYYYYYY!!!!!

Tambourines and organ.

Nutt:

WE GOT THIRTY-SEVEN!!! (Three! And! Sev’n!)
That’s seven and three…
Ain’t all of ‘em gonna (oh no no no)
Pass the S-A-Teeeeee (Their readin’ skills ain’t great, you see…)

When the Lord comes a callin’
He’s gonna say to meeeee
GIGGITY BOTARKUS
And a seven and a threeeeee….

Choir:

NOW KEEP ON SIGNIN’!

Nutt:

I’m a keep on signin’!

Choir:

NOW KEEP ON SIGNIN’!

Nutt:

I’m a keep on signin’!

Nutt:

Got that sign! Sign! Sign! Sign! Sign! Sign! Sign!

Choir:

HOTTY TODDY
GOSH ALMIGHTY
HOPE ALL OF THEM
CAN’T READ OR WRITE-Y

WOOAAAHAHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Dancing and frivolity. Pastor Houston Nutt signs the entire front row of the church to the Ole Miss football program as he dances around with one hand fervently pumping heavenward.

FIN.

Besides a yard? ONE DAMN YARD, DAMMIT.

This house is going to be spotless by the time we’re done with this. Like, Joan Crawford spotless.

Clean up THIS MEEEEEESSSSS!

Our only consolation is that across the state of Georgia there will be thousands of other spotless homes by the end of the day, too. Nifty thing: our cleaning makes them feel better, too, via the endless loop of mutually reinforced schadenfreude.

Meanwhile, Ole Miss, don’t lift a thing today. You should spend the day drinking, and drinking heavily and eating on the reddest and velvetiest of red velvet cake. Ragin’ Cajun Rebel texted us at 1:30 in the morning last night with the question: “Does it still sting?” Yes, which means your football team did somethin’ right, son. Giggitys all around.

Enjoy your Sunday. We’ll see you tomorrow.

At least someone’s happy about this. Frankly, you’re probably fortunate if you lose by one after you spend the entire third quarter practicing the “fumble” drill. You’re actually fortunate to not lose by two TDs, actually, given the number of flubs, mistakes, miscues, clusterfucks, missed tackles, blown assignments, dropped passes, and fumbles fumbles fumbles fumbles fumbles did we mention fumbles yes fumbles.

The defense made one critical mistake, and that was Major Wright deciding to guard the wrong side of the field on the long pass to Shea Hodge. The rest is on the offense: the offense that kept playing the lunch buffet with the play-calling, calling up a seemingly random slew of plays to turnover the ball with, the offense that gave the Ole Miss offense the ball three times inside the fifty, the offense plunged this team headfirst off a cliff with errors and a final fatal playcall—the Tebow Smash that hasn’t worked at all going on now four games into this season–that was doomed from the beginning.

Turnovers killed Florida for the majority of the game. Then play-calling delivered the coup-de-grace. Someone tell us how Tim Tebow morphed into low-carb Jared Lorenzen in the span of a single offseason, and we’ll give you a dollar for your efforts. Holy fucking cowcunt, we just lost to Count Giggity in game four in classic Houston Nutt fashion: countless mistakes by the other team, outrageous high-school playcalling, a quarterback who goes 9/20 but throws nothing but backbreakers on those completions.

If your team’s undefeated right now, do us a favor: watch. your. fucking. ass. Oh, and if the game’s on the line, and you’re a bit skeevy on the idea of having your kicker try a 51 yarder, try something that doesn’t play into the obvious weaknesses of your team thus far and the other team’s strengths simultaneously.

The current turnover total for Florida on the year: zero, a number instructive for those of us kvetching and kvelling about the offense thus far, and its lack of Krakatoa-like eruptions a la 2008. The Gainesville Sun, a.k.a. Pravda: Swamp Cabbage Edition, addresses those concerns in typically sunny but timely fashion below. Warning: corrected to do away with the plague of one sentence paragraphs.

The Gators are the only team in the nation with zero turnovers.UF is one of only five teams in the nation that has not trailed at any point in the season. The Gators lead the SEC in total defense (213.0 yards a game), scoring offense (37.3 points a game), kickoff returns, punt returns and punting. The special teams have scored 14 points, only five shy of opposing offenses. Opposing offenses have not started a single drive on Florida’s side of the 50.

So, in short: they haven’t been good yet because they haven’t had to be good? A sobering thought if you, like us, are wondering if and when they’re pressed to actually score points, and if they will be able to do so. To be perfectly frank about the offense for Florida thus far, it still looks like a live dress rehearsal that someone accidentally sold tickets for: Miami was the audition for receivers (Louis Murphy, come on down,) while Tennessee was the audition for running backs (Emmanuel Moody, 55 yards on nine whole carries! Cue rain of frogs.)

Ole Miss and Arkansas probably won’t test this ongoing dry run on the field for the Florida offense; in fact, Ole Miss makes a particularly disastrous matchup with Florida, and not in a sense of pending Florida doom because Ole Miss is last in time of possession in the conference, and it’s not because they’re scoring scads of points in flashes. Then again, consider the next worst team in terms of time of possession: Florida. Stats are fun, and endlessly misleading!

P.S.: Houston Nutt in crazier than a sack of rabid weasels.

Fixed. Giggity.

I asked my father if the goat was “fixed,” and he said, “Son, ain’t nothing in this world that can fix a cantankerous goat or a laudanum-sippin’ woman. Except by violently throwing them off the roof.” That’s why I like to fix things.

[stares, attempts to spellbind audience.]

6.022 × 10 to the 23rd power. That’s Avocado’s Number.

[empty stares]

GIGGITY!

I also like teaching people to finish. When Casey–er, Jevan Snead throws away an orange juice bottle, he needs to finish throwing away that orange juice bottle. And when I say throw it away, I mean reach deep down in that trash can and make sure you get it all the way down in there with the trash. You can’t just float it on top. The wind could take it.

Then your trash has become garbage. And we don’t tolerate garbage here at Ole Miss. So get your hand in there with the diapers and the dirty needles. That’s how you win.

Needles. Diapers. Finish.

[Stares, attempts to spellbind audience]

HOOGITY BOOGITY NOSFERATU CANDANGIT FIGGITY BORACKUS MCCLAGGLEY OOGITY BOOGITY!!!

[silence. stares.]

You know what I like about Jerrell Powe?

[gestures with thumb on top of fist. squints.]

HE’S QUALIFIED GIGGITY GIGGITY GIGGITY!!!!

[thunderous applause.]

Houston Nutt story number one. Please read all of these in a voice triangulated somewhere between Bill Clinton and George Bush’s, and remember that for proper effect you should point and attempt to spellbind someone while doing it.

Tale One:

Houston Nutt is speaking to an assembled group of Ole Miss boosters. Someone mentions Enrique Davis, the late switcheroo commit from Auburn who opted for the Rebels late this year. Nutt answers thusly.

You know what I like about Enrickey?

(LONG DRAMATIC PAUSE. SPELLBINDING STARE. THUMB FIST POINT.)

He’s FAST.

Tale Two:

Nutt is at his first major meeting with Ole Miss types. He’s relating a story about his upbringing hanging out with deaf kids. (Nutt Sr. was a coach at the Arkansas School for the Deaf.) No one’s really sure where this whole thing is going.

When I was a kid, I’d go out and play with the other kids, who were deaf. There was an African American on that field, a Hispanic on the field, a Native American on the field…it didn’t matter what you were or who you were, just as long as you could sign and communicate.

(LONG DRAMATIC PAUSE. SPELLBINDING STARE. THUMB FIST POINT.)

…And I like to WIN! (APPLAUSE.)

The N in Nutt officially stands for “Non Sequitur.”

Therefore, we at EDSBS Labs seek to give you reality improved. One technique to improve the fluff piece: unfairly excerpt or elide quotes. Another? Unfair illustrations, as seen in this Houston Nutt profile from the Laurel Leader-Call.

“WAYNESBORO – If Thursday night’s tenth annual Wayne County Rebel Club gathering is any indication, new Ole Miss Rebel head football coach Houston Nutt has already won over the Rebel faithful. The last four seasons are nothing but a fading view in the rear-view mirror of their vehicles…”

“If you meet Nutt, you will be impressed even if you are not a Rebel fan. He is an excellent people person who is a great communicator. His passion for what he does comes out very quickly. He has that look in his eye that draws you in… ”

“The look speaks outwardly that he cares about what he is selling…”

“…In this case, Ole Miss football was the sales pitch to these eager takers.”

“…Some of the Rebel nation might have had mixed reactions on his hiring last November 27 since he was the enemy for ten years, but if they were present Thursday night, Nutt quickly dispelled those negative thoughts within minutes with his down home manner that fit in well in this football crazy town.”

“…For Nutt, changing the negative attitude of the players has been his number one priority in Oxford. The attitude problem in Oxford, according to the former Lou Holtz assistant coach, was really negative.”

“…Nutt and his staff have addressed the academic problems with late night visits to apartments and dorm rooms.”

“This is one of the best coaching staffs I have ever seen in terms of chemistry. ”

Unfairly Illustrated seeks to improve fluff pieces around the nation with cheap visual/verbal gags. If you have one of interest, remember to send it to harumphharumph –at– gmail.com.

DA REBBAH DONE–wait, wait. We can’t do the Orgeron voice when it comes to Ole Miss stories anymore, can we? He’s moved on to the Saints to coach their defensive line, meaning we fully expect to see Ed himself crashing double teams when he suits up in an attempt to psych his troops up next season. Watching a man blow both ACLs at once will never have been as festive, ami!

Instead, we’re left with the sadness of an Ole Miss team coached by the merely insane Houston Nutt. They make their debut in the Fulmer Cup with the arrest of safety Jamarca Sanford, who refused to leave the parking lot of Night Town, a billiards club, the kind we hate because it’s loaded with douchebags who, if you come within ten feet of them, give you the death glare and ask you “hey hey HEY! Little room at the table, here!” (See: Twain’s, Decatur, GA, for another of these.)

Apologies, Minnesota Shats–we’ll just be over here moving the cue ball with our minds, causing you to miss shots by fractions of an inch. Perhaps Jamarca hates these places, too, and just wanted to fight–or perhaps he was mesmerized by the menu offerings at Night Town. Erotic chicken might make us feisty enough to get arrested, too.

Fried Mushrooms – basket of ’shrooms served with ranch dressing. These ain’t the mushrooms that’ll get you to that Rocky Mountain high… But they’ll get you damn close. $4.50

They watch ‘em on 8mm? Now we totally want to hang with the owners of Night Town. It’s a rare breed of gentleman that breaks out the double-reel for his porno, sir.

Oh, and two points for Ole Miss in the Fulmer Cup.

Erotic chicken cant u see, thoughts of pretty u and me.

In lieu of negative bashing of decision-making, we’ll actually have to discuss what’s good about the hire. Nutt wins games, so that’s an instant improvement over his predecessor, who did not win games this year, something coaches are supposed to do from time to time. Nutt also gets people to play football very, very hard. Not always intelligently, true; but very, very hard, and in very simple schemes they can pick up with ease. They’ll run the daylights out of the ball with Ole Miss’s underrated line on first and second down before the real treat: the return of the Matt Jones offense with Jevan Snead, where he’ll have a one receiver pattern, find it’s not open, and then will have to improvise and “make a play,” a phrase that is the coachspeak equal of 12th century cartographers’ “THARR BE DRAGONS.”

Nutt will also be away from Fayetteville’s now-toxic social environment, where he probably could not send a single text message without a nabob piping in with “HEY, YA TEXTIN’ UR GALFRIEND, HOUSTON?” Oxford’s more laid-back, and the other thing Ed Orgeron forged with three years of yaw-yaw (besides a nice talent base) are the sweet oblivion of low expectations. It’s not like Nutt has to win five games to improve in the SEC. Winning just one would do that.

One game? That’s improvement? WOOOOOO GIGGITY!

As for the dearly departed: Ed Orgeron has been mentioned in rumors surrounding Washington State. If you see a huge Cajun berating bushels of apples for their bruises and lack of toughness in the next week or so, Washingtonians, you’ll know there’s some credence to this scuttlebutt.

Frank Broyles: Houston Dale, we need to talk.

Houston Dale Nutt: GIGGITY! WHOO-WHEE GIGGITY!!! TARBLANG FANGDAMUS!!!! PIG PIG PIG!!!!

Frank Broyles: You’re getting fired, Houston. Do you understand that?

Houston Dale Nutt: FAHHARRD UP! YESSSS AH AAHHHHHM WOOOO GALLLGIGGITY I AM!!!

FB: No, just the regular kind of fired.

Houston Dale Nutt: GOTSTA CLEEAN OUT MAH HOGPIT?

FB: If by that, you mean your office…well, yes.

HDN: NO, AH MEAN MAH HOGPIT UNDAH THA STADYUM, WHERE I FIGHT PIGS FOR MUN-AAAHHHYYY AND FILM IT FOR THE ENJOH-MUNT AH THE PEOPLE WOOOOO PIG PIG PIG!!!!

FB: You fight pigs for money?

HDN: FLABBERTY-JABBITY, I FIGHT ‘EM FO LOVE, OL’ FRANKIE-TANKIE! THE MONEY MEANS NOTHIN’ TO ME, SINCE THE OOOOOOOOOO-SQUEALIE OF THE FIGHT IS ALL AH NEED!!! VIDEO EVIDENCE WOULD BE A SHAME IF IT GOT OUT, TREE-GUNDAMUS BANGFLINDAMUS WOOO!!!

FB: Perhaps a settlement is in order here. To keep things…amicable.

HDN: HAHHHAAAA BOSNAPPETTY STRAPPETTY BUTTSNIFF!!! AH CAN’T WAIT FUH MAH PAYOUT! IN EUROS PLEASE–GAY MONEY’S WORTH MORE NOW, BUT AHM TAKIN’ IT BECAUSE I’M WILY LIKE A PIG, JIB-GRABBETY JUPITER-TOOPITER! I’D WEAR HOT PANTS MADE OF EUROS IF YAH MADE UP FLATTAH MAH PANTS HAWG!

(Translation: Nutt’s fired with a $3.5 million “settlement.” )

(Additional translation: Nutt may be headed to Georgia Tech with much haste, per Rivals rumors.)

Houston Nutt, head coach, Arkansas: “GIGGITY GIGGITY GIGGITY!!! WWOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! BLOTUNK BARFARKUS WOONDANGITY GIGGITY HOOOO!!!”

David Lee: “Hey, seriously. We’re burning clock here. I got toss right to Jones for the win, Coach.”

Nutt:”GOOD GREAT DANCING BOOGITY OOGITY! RAZORBACK FOOTBALL OHHH MAMIEEE SHANKY BACKRATTACKUS FLIRTIN’ WITH DISASTERATOOOIIIEEE GIGGITY BULLFROG!!!!”

David Lee: “Toss right to Jones, then.”

(They convert.)

Nutt:”WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AHM GONNA BIDRIDINKUS COACH FOOTBAW JAGGETY BAGGITY BILBO BAGGINS TAINTSLAP DOOGITY DINKEE HOOOAAAAAAAOOOOOOOO!!!”

David Lee: “Great call, right coach?”

Nutt: “What call? We playin’? HOT DANG LUV ME SOME FOOTBAAW! CALL HEADDS DANGITY BANGITY! HEADS NEVAH FAILS!”

David Lee: “We just finished, coach. We beat the number one team in the nation.”

Nutt: “WHY DIDN’T SOMEONE TELL ME BODANGIT!!! STARTS THIS SHITS OVER BALRAGGEDY TAGGEDY, AH SAY!!! GIGGITY GIGGITY GIGGITY!”

Lee: (takes long pull off bottle of gin, faxes resume to Sun Belt teams while wiping back tears.)

As if on cue…enter Houston Nutt.

Illinois @ Ohio State (-15)

This is the unstoppable force against the immovable object. Illinois has the nation’s 6th best rush offense and tOSU has the nation’s top defense. That might look like a lot of points, but it’s not. You’ve got the Zooker, in Columbus, with Juice Williams at the helm against the #1 team in the country. Now that the Buckeyes have the offense rolling, this is a lock. This is a low risk way to wet your appetite and make you feel like a gangster. I’m giving it a “throw you up against the wall in an alley next to a dumpster” rating – this game’s for everyone, even the kids. Put a dime on the Buckeyes, collect your cash, and you’re gamblin’! It’s so simple.

Alabama @ Mississippi State (+5)

Saban will not be Croomed. I know, Mississippi State is nearly bowl eligible, but take a hard look at them and they’re a picture mediocrity – offense, defense, special teams, and coaching. Gambling is about numbers and the (mildly) important number on this game is 21 — it’s (not even close to) the most points the Bulldogs have scored all season and it’s the least amount of points the Tide have scored. In just his first year, ‘Lil Napolean is already working his dark magic on the Tide. This is a “bat to the knee” game. It’s ugly but you can recover from it. Put half your weekly salary on ‘Bama to cover.

Florida @ South Carolina (+6.5)

What good is genius if you can’t help others understand it? Steve Spurrier is arguably the best offensive mind in college sports but he appears to have come to a point in his life when he’s completely unable to communicate his vision to his players. If you’ve watched the ‘Cocks you know what I’m talking about. A play isn’t brilliant when it’s drawn up; it’s brilliant when it’s been executed on the field. I haven’t seen any brilliance out of South Carolina for weeks. They won early this season playing good defense and scoring however many points they needed to win. All of that appears to be lost now. This team is a fucking mess and the Gators are not the team you want to see at a time like this. If USC can’t figure out that you have to put 10 guys in the box to stop Arkansas, how are they going to stop Tebow? You might think Tebow is out of the Heisman race, after this game, you would be wrong. I’d rate this a solid “two-thumber”. You might get your thumbs broken, but if you want big rewards, you gotta take big risks. Do you want to be a gambler or not? Find the seediest bar you can, ask for a bookie, and put your girlfriend/life partner/roommate’s coffee can cash on Florida.

Auburn @ Georgia (-2)

This talk of Tubs going to A&M will fall on dear ears. Auburn is well aware of what happened last season when Brandon Cox threw 4 pics and they got hammered by Georgia. That’s not going to happen again. Georgia’s running game has looked great the last few weeks when Mark Richt remembered that 1 back is better than 3. Sadly, he’s facing the meanest motherfucking defensive line in all of the land on Saturday. Auburn is a bad match up for the Georgia so be prepared for a piss poor effort from the Dogs between the hedges this week. If you like to watch pretty girls cry, tune in to Athens around mid-point in the 4th quarter where there will be more ugly beautiful than you can imagine. Put a month’s bar tab on Dumbo to beat the Dogs outright. [no catchy rating for this game, apparently.—ed.]

Arkansas @ Tennessee

This game is not for the faint of heart. If you think you know what’s going to happen here, you’d be lying to yourself. These teams are both so inconsistent that it makes their fans physically ill to watch them. With Arkansas, you’ve got the jaw-dropping talent of Darren McFadden who may just win the Heisman based on his 321 yard output last week against South Carolina. Additionally, the Razorbacks have Felix Jones who’s also run for 1,000 yards, on exactly half the carries of McFadden. They may be the best tandem I’ve ever seen… and their team is 2-3 in the conference. This is the story of Houston Nutt. On the other side of the ball you’ve got Philip Fulmer and his band of merry men, who look alternately awesome [see: Georgia game], terrible [see: Florida game], and disinterested [see: Mississippi State game]. If you’re picking this game, you’re not taking the team to win, so much as you’re taking Neyland to be the difference here. Take Tennessee, but before you do, look at the next game, because we’re going with a parlay here.

Arizona State @ UCLA (+7)

Don’t ever bet on a Pac-10 game. Just don’t do it. It will only end in tears and shattered extremities. This is particularly true when you’re talking about a game featuring Karl Dorrell. He’s like an abusive father to Bruins Nation. Beat BYU! Get crushed by Utah. Then in an attempt to get back their love, he treated them to wins over Washington and Oregon State! Then he slipped and broke their heart by losing to Notre Dame. Such is the psychology of the abusive relationship. He then “bought Bruins Nation a new bike” by beating Cal and quickly backed over it in the driveway by losing to Washington State. They cried and he slapped them around for  it by losing to Arizona. UCLA’s remaining 3 games are against ASU, Oregon, and USC. I can promise you he will win one of them, in a last ditch effort to make them love him again… but not this week. The Sun Devils lost for the first time last week in a spirited tussle in Eugene but I think you go with them to cover the 7. This isn’t so much a vote of confidence to Dennis Erickson as it is a vote against Karl Dorrell. Now, here’s the fun part! Take whatever you can afford to lose, double it, and put it on Arizona State and Tennessee to win in a 2 team parlay. This is also cool, because just as the Pac-10 game starts, the SEC game will be ending. For 6 straight hours your heart will be racing. Nutt! Dorrell! Fulmer! Erickson! It will be like the longest game of Russian Roulette ever. Enjoy!