We all know people that are bad at their jobs; you may even be one of them. This is why it’s fun to look at and make fun of people who are historically bad at their jobs. These are some of my favorites:

Franz Berliner, Captain, LZ 129 Hindenburg

Flew the world’s largest balloon into the world’s largest needle. Not sure what he was doing, but I don’t think it takes hindsight to see that Franz was not watching where he was going. His poor floating skills singlehandedly brought down the entire Zeppelin Industry. 

Mort Lipshitz, Fire Chief, Chicago 1870-1871

Far be it from me to tell a fireman how to do his job, but jesus, Lipshitz*, you gotta let the whole city burn? I know there are intangibles here, but generally the recipe for doing your job successfully is: see flames, add water. So you were saddled with horses, buggies, and lanterns, but come on, firefighting is no profession for excuses. You really dropped the ball here, brother. To add insult to injury, they’ve named a soccer team after your failure. You are on the Mt. Rushmore of fuck-ups.

Charlie Weis, Head Coach, Notre Dame

Charlie Chalupa’s not just famous for his girth anymore. He’s led the Irish to their worst season in school history. The offensive guru has also led this tactiley talented team to their worst offensive season in school history, which is no easy task. He compiles his failures with blind arrogance and the cocksure attitude of someone who’s wildly successful at their job. He’s being heavily rewarded for his failures too. No matter what he does from here on out in his coaching career, this season, this trainwreck, this audacious failure, will be his legacy. Chew on that, Charles.

M Beanie, Boy Toy Wrangler/Driver, George Michael

This job seems pretty easy -

Step 1: Find a fucktoy for a rich, faded, liquid-hipped pop chanteuse a couple times a week.

Step 2: …

Step 3: Profit!

M was good at it too. He had Michael elbow deep in ass for a year. However, in an embarrassing parallel parking incident, Michael carped one time too many and his driver quit, leaving M holding the keys. When M was promoted to driver, things went to hell in a handbasket. In the past year alone, Mr. Michael’s been arrested three times for drunk driving, twice for soliciting sex in a park (who knew that was illegal?), he’s been to rehab twice, had Hoof & Mouth Disease once, and is now the more pathetic of the two (2) former members of Wham! This is a bad year and elevates Beanie instantly into the Hall of Fame.

Pam Ward, Broadcaster of Iowa football games, ESPN2

Pammy is not pretty. This is no crime, to be sure, but she sought out a career in television so I think this shows a tremendous lack of self-awareness. She also talks for a living and her voice is… unfortunate. Her voice has the deaf tones of a demolitions expert and all the warmth of a well digger’s ass. To complete the hat trick, she talks about football for living and doesn’t know anything about football, at all. She is positively the worst announcer in the history of man.

General Pickett, Confederate General, Battle of Gettysburg

You don’t need to be a military strategist to see why this was the turning point in the Civil War (GO NORTH!!! WOOOO!!!). I’ve been to Gettysburg. I’ve seen the battlefield and I can tell you, it’s no small jaunt. It’s really flat, but it’s a hell of a long way from one side to the other. I made it in cargo shorts and running shoes and I was tired and crabby as shit when I got to the other side. Also, I did it in March, not in July when Pickett made his hike. I can just imagine doing it with a musket and those fucking hideous wool unis! Were they a marching band or an army? Horrible fashion choice on their part, nearly as bad as their walk directly into the line of fire across that field. The Confederacy suffered a casualty rate of over 50%, many of which were Pickett’s men. Pickett’s Charge** was the beginning of the end for the South in the Civil War. Bad move, George.

Lucious Picard, Dialect Coach, Kevin Costner for Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Costner was doing what all American actors do when they’re surrounded by “yes” men, he decided to take a role with an accent. The studio fearlessly cast the paunchy 40-ish rock hound as the young Brit Robin of Locksley. All they needed was someone to help the would-be archer to sound authentically British so they went with wunderkind Lucious Picard from the Royal Albert Hall of Drama. This did not go well. Costner’s accent came and went like a Yorkshire breeze; when it was good it was bad and when it was bad it was awesome. Sadly, unintentional comedy is not what they were going for and Picard spends these days replying to Madonna’s fan mail using “British sounding words”.  

* Mort would be higher on this list (or lower?) but he made the best bratwurst chili in the history of man. This cannot be discounted.

** Pickett’s Charge inspired the Lost Cause, which was one of Beck’s best singles from his “mopey period”.

We have five simple rules to life. They are based upon observation, experiment, and peer reviewed statements made in numerous bars across the world between the hours of seven p.m. and 4 a.m. They are:

1. Things will go wrong.
2. People never change, and never will.
3. People continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.
4. When your favorite uncle is eaten by a tiger, don’t ask “Why?”, ask “Why not?”
5. Attempt to ignore rules 1-4 at all times.

Given that, we bring up the rumor of Norm Chow, the Greatest College Offensive Coordinator Ever â„¢ and the currently a mediocre NFL OC for the talent-rupt Titans. This rumor comes to us courtesy of Horseface, who thinks a job-hungry Chow would find an ideal transitional job in the situation at Florida State. Chow comes in as an assistant, gives Bowden one last “dadgum,”, and then takes over for Bowden when he leaves.

Chow: no scheme, no system. Just hot, nasty, badass scoring. We think Eleanor Roosevelt said that first.

We’re not going to think about Hayes’ penchant for turning fever-dream fan-fiction into “interesting official speculation,” or about him writing college football fan fiction at all. (See: Yahoo Groups “Holly Rowe BDSM Tales,” chapter six for some of that.) In fact, if you’re looking for tasty reliable speculation, it’s in there: Chow to North Carolina or Miami, which makes sense even taking into account a set of rules about humanity so skeptical only someone raised in the hardknock life surroundings of..um…the suburban sun belt could come up with them. Yeah.

Chow wouldn’t engage in Matt3576HorseyNeigh@yahoo.com’s fevered scenario because it violates several of Orson’s Sad But Reliable Rules for humanity. The indictment, point by point:

1. Something will go wrong. Chow’s from the West Coast, and enjoyed his greatest success there. Why wouldn’t he go back? Arizona State’s football program will likely have an opening, and Oregon State and UCLA are also up there for potential jobs. All of these are more likely than Norm Chow to Tallahassee, where he’d be replacing a legend in an area of the country he’s never really worked before.

2. People never change, and never will. Bowden won’t admit mistakes, and has no reason to: in a single person, he represents the successful heritage of Florida State football. He’s also got that history of rank nepotism, which won’t change. Get Jeff Bowden a shiny new brass nameplate and fasten it into the door with the big screws, because his biggest resume line is never going away.

3. People continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. See number two. Jeff’s just learning. He’s young. The other boys turned out okay, except for the embezzler, right? Sick with dolor as Seminole fans are right now, we have to ask an even more sickening question: what makes anyone in the fanbase think that Bowden doesn’t have fantasies of putting Jeffy in charge once he’s gone? What in his behavior has shown an inclination that he wouldn’t do this?

4. When your favorite uncle is eaten by a tiger, don’t ask “Why?”, ask “Why not?”

The second greatest coach of all time wins-wise (we refuse to count the Samford wins in that total, and just like JoePa better anyway, especially after his “Run For Two” earlier this year) becomes a laughing stock of a country sheriff by promoting his inept son to a position of responsibility. Why not? Why can’t a formerly brilliant coach be completely anti-brilliant towards the end of his career? It happens all the time. Woody Hayes punches Charlie Bauman. Dennis Erickson goes from coaching Miami in the national championship to play-calling in an airplane hangar in Moscow, Idaho. Smart people do dumb things, like trust someone simply because they have half the same genes as they do. Ask King Birendra–not always the soundest thinking. Don’t ask “Why would FSU make a bad decision on the next coach?” Instead, ask “Why not?”

King Birendra of Nepal: ask him how mixing family and upper management worked out.

Supplemental evidence: [NAME REDACTED]’s entire hiring and tenure. Why not?

5. Attempt to ignore rules 1-4 at all times. The only ray of hope here for Seminole fans: rules 1-4 collapse, and someone makes sound decisions in hiring the next coach. Of course, this implies betting on people being competent, which is a big, big risk. Perhaps we need a rule six…