Rank	Team	Delta
1	Alabama	4
2	Texas
3	Southern Cal
4	Florida	3
5	Brigham Young
6	Boise State	8
7	Oklahoma State	6
8	California	2
9	Penn State	3
10	Mississippi	2
11	Missouri
12	Oklahoma	8
13	Cincinnati
14	Ohio State	7
15	LSU	4
16	Miami (Florida)
17	Notre Dame	4
18	Georgia Tech	3
19	Virginia Tech	10
20	Utah	8
21	Kansas
22	Florida State
23	Nebraska
24	Georgia	8
25	Texas Tech	5
Last week’s ballot

Pardon me, but is that Power-Poll-ish? Yes, a bit, but you have two choices as a pollster: go on your sepia-toned memories of yesteryear, or go based on what you have in front of your eyeballs in the shifty but very much present now. The team that put on the best total performance–and the one we saw with our own eyeballs live–was Alabama, who played well in two phases of the game and decently on special teams (versus a very good VT special teams squad MAYBE YOU’VE HEARD OF IT BEAMERBALL’D.)

The others at the top balance the evident and enviable talent of the four or five teams in college football with top rank talent at every position versus the relative worth of their opponent, in descending order. Playing Charleston Southern told you nothing about Florida, while USC and Texas did slightly better on this count. In reality, those three teams are tied in our mind, with Florida pulling into the fourth spot because they played against a D-1AA team, and that has to be penalized somewhere in our universe.

BYU and Boise? Hey, they actually played someone, won, and did so on the national stage. It is early in the season, and there should be huge variances due to a very tiny sample size. The same goes in affirmative for Cal, Missouri, Miami, and anyone else who actually played someone. You may not like it when a Rocky Mountain fattie like Rulon Gardner beats a chiseled Russian god like Alexei Karelin, but it happens, just as it did when BYU beat Oklahoma. This week, they get the gold. That will even out as the season goes on if you like actually ranking what you’re seeing out of a team, or we could just go ahead and keep Oklahoma above them because veeee know soooo much about Oklahoma that you didn’t see on the field. Our choice is to go with what is actually happening with respect toward perceived overall talent, not the other way around.

Ditto for the losers: Florida State, Georgia, and Virginia Tech all actually played someone, though we’re thinking UNC could have easily taken Georgia’s place now that we’re looking at it. If you’re to be punished for playing layup competition, then you shouldn’t be excoriated for taking a loss to quality competition early on, especially if you looked respectable doing it.

Please declare any illogical votes: LSU is too high, but Washington looks to be awake and playing football now, and we’re smitten by their shiny amounts of talent just like everyone else. On Kansas, we plead infatuation with fist-pumping genius Todd Reesing; Cincy was impressive, but reeks a bit of Big East Charity Pick Of the Week; TCU could easily be in there if they played last week, too, were we not willing to take a flyer on Texas Tech and the inspiration Leach has been given by his sweet new parking spot. Based on one week U-Dub is waiting in the wings, but correcting for “UGOGIRL” sentiment keeps them on the lip for now.

BUT BUT BUT BUT– That’s why the Blogpoll takes more than one ballot, lawya.

Tell me I have led a good life.

For lack of a better term, we’re calling this the “Kiffin Effect.” Pop quiz, hotshot: Coming off a 4-8 season and a 45-0 vivisectioning by your big in-state rival in which you netted all of 37 yards, what do you do? What do you do? Evidently, this:

Houston Nutt phoned in just now to say he has sucked it, as a matter of fact, and the Delicious Creamsicle of Immediate In-State Superiority was everything he thought it could be.

The pressure of being the preseason #1 for the Fulmer Cup must’ve gotten to them. I know all you EDSBS regulars have been waiting with bated breath for the first time I’d make a blatant plug for my dear Georgia Bulldogs, and here it is: For what feels like the first time since I was an naive, apple-cheeked freshman, the Dawgs have gone an entire offseason without a single player getting arrested. One hundred law-abiding cocktails to all of you, gentlemen! By contrast, the Dawgs’ season-opening opponent, Oklahoma State, won’t be suspending two offensive players arrested for pot possession in June. Note to Mike Gundy: If you’re going up against Georgia and you’re the one that looks slack on player discipline, there may be a problem. Unfortunately for the Dawgs, that righteous indignation plus two bucks will get Willie Martinez a grande Pike Place roast at Starbucks.

Your “Suddenly My Problems Seem Pretty Minor” moment of the day. The Tulsa World profiles Tulsa QB G.J. Kinne, whose dad, a high-school coach in Texas, was shot to death by the angry parent of a player four years ago. By contrast, I’ve spent most of the past 24 hours raging at having shattered the screen on my iPhone, and officially consider myself humbled.

We have met the enemy, and he is Tony Franklin. I mean us. We knew the Auburn coaching staff was a wee bit divided during last year’s 5-7 debacle, but evidently so were the players. Why was that, you think?

“The offense had their problems and some guys started hanging their heads – just stuff of that sort,” said defensive end Antonio Coleman. “That led to a 5-7 season. It was just the little things that led to seven losses. Coach Chizik came in and corrected that; and all the guys have their heads up.”

Yeah, it was just the little things — you know, division, not having any semblance of an offense, that sort of thing. You drop off by a few hundred yards here and there, pretty soon you’re going 5-7. It happens.

Hasn’t Detroit suffered enough? With the cash-strapped Big Three automakers pulling their sponsorship of the Motor City Bowl, Little Caesar’s Pizza may be stepping into the void, meaning “We’re gonna probably be known as the Little Caesar’s Pizza, Pizza Bowl,” according to bowl co-founder George Perles. As a Birmingham resident and much-put-upon supporter of the Papajohns.com Bowl, I have but one thing to say: YOU BASTARDS. Can’t you just let us have this?!?

It beat out other mottos including “Bereft,” “Unfulfilled,” and “Empty-Feeling.” Ole Miss’s team motto going into 2009: “Unsatisfied,” taking a commanding lead in the Most Depressing Team Motto of All Time competition. Tip: If it sounds like something you’d circle on a restaurant comment card after a particularly disappointing meal, it probably shouldn’t be your team motto.

The anthem to which the Rebels will be charging into Vaught-Hemingway in ‘09.

Failure to plan means planning to fail. As for the Early Bird Award for Most Absurdly Diligent Scheduling, Oklahoma and Army have won that one in a runaway by agreeing on a home-and-home — in 2018 and 2020. Congratulations, Black Knights, on being the first D-IA program to earn a guaranteed loss in a season that won’t even begin for another nine years.

Now, you go back to doing something latently homoerotic, all right? We’ve already posted Still Life With Shirtless, Oiled Football Players and Lamborghini, the curious poster Tennessee is using to arouse . . . uh, interest in the 2009 season, or something; turns out there’s a “making of” video. Go click the link yourselves, pervs, we’re not posting that nonsense here.

File under “Up, Nowhere to Go But.” UCF offensive coordinator Charlie Taaffe is “pleased” with the improvement his team has shown heading into ‘09. Considering that the Golden Knights finished 120th out of 120 in DI-A in both total yardage and first downs, the fact that there has been improvement at all is probably reasonable grounds for pleased-ness.

Twelve-pack? Better go ahead and make that a case. Scott Wolf compiles every single college football game that will be on TV opening weekend. If you can look at this and not devise a way to remain laid out on your coach from noon straight through midnight on September 5, you’re not really trying.

It is because of the utterly despondent state of affairs with Texas A&M football that Aggies have completely given up on their football team making it poor business for popular sites like ours and the A&M section of the Houston Chronicle to thrive. Therefore, this page will be the last posted by AggieCoach.com and then we are shutting down.

How did he do it? AggieCoach.com led the charge spear-first into Franchione’s gullet, proving that while Aggie fans were downtrodden, they were at least an angry, stabby kind of oppressed, ready at a second’s notice to revolt and feast upon the well-marbled carcass of Franchione. Yet, faced with the Ineffable Sadness of Mike Sherman, they wilt and evaporate in the cushy, love-handled shadow of his presence.

A quick comparison of faces alone may help to explain the total malaise creeping through the ranks of the 12th Man right now:

Franchione: Contemptibly smug-looking. Liked his ironed polos. Clearly concerned about outer appearances. Dying for direct hit to the face with frying pan. Kept same countenance no matter the record, abysmal though it might be.

Sherman: Perpetually sad-looking. Rumpled. Wears Bahama shirts in Aggie colors. Could plausibly prefer muu-muus to actual clothes, or least a bathrobe, a pair of voluminous boxers, and a wife-bearter. Appears on the verge of falling asleep most of the time. The remainder of the time, is asleep.

Most importantly, it may be the complete lack of hope that is crushing the very life out of Aggie fans at the moment. At least under Franchione there would be the odd win here and there, the rivalry game upsets over Texas, the flashes of competence that keep getting him hired by one program after another. Mike Sherman’s Aggie teams have, thus far, lacked even the glimmers of hope, almost losing to Army before coughing up double digit losses to all three of their conference opponents thus far.

Aggiecoach.com waving the white flag is proof positive that once you’ve hit rock bottom, it’s not a given that things have to get better; in fact, rather than going straight up, you can be dragged along the rocky, barren floor of the sea for years at a time, or even sucked into underground chasm where Mortlek, the King of the Man-eating Undersea Worm-sharks, feasts on your helpless, beaten body for years at a stretch. But enough about Syracuse: for the moment, the story at College Station is further proof that when the hands are shown, a royal flush of despair beats anger any day.

In his own words, we give you Marques Slocum, remixed in sonnet-ish form. Read, remember, and mourn.

got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me
i hope my wife know ima be man! fuck dat spider
I like 2 licky licky licky licky
My mom CARLA i think she da realest bitch alive

i dont give a fuck i just want 2 get on
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones

Doxey was 19. Video of the San Diego native goofing around for the camera on Youtube shows Doxey looking just as you would expect him: playful, a bit hyper, and way, way too young to die.

R.I.P., and condolences to the family.

Franz Berliner, Captain, LZ 129 Hindenburg

Flew the world’s largest balloon into the world’s largest needle. Not sure what he was doing, but I don’t think it takes hindsight to see that Franz was not watching where he was going. His poor floating skills singlehandedly brought down the entire Zeppelin Industry. 

Mort Lipshitz, Fire Chief, Chicago 1870-1871

Far be it from me to tell a fireman how to do his job, but jesus, Lipshitz*, you gotta let the whole city burn? I know there are intangibles here, but generally the recipe for doing your job successfully is: see flames, add water. So you were saddled with horses, buggies, and lanterns, but come on, firefighting is no profession for excuses. You really dropped the ball here, brother. To add insult to injury, they’ve named a soccer team after your failure. You are on the Mt. Rushmore of fuck-ups.

Charlie Weis, Head Coach, Notre Dame

Charlie Chalupa’s not just famous for his girth anymore. He’s led the Irish to their worst season in school history. The offensive guru has also led this tactiley talented team to their worst offensive season in school history, which is no easy task. He compiles his failures with blind arrogance and the cocksure attitude of someone who’s wildly successful at their job. He’s being heavily rewarded for his failures too. No matter what he does from here on out in his coaching career, this season, this trainwreck, this audacious failure, will be his legacy. Chew on that, Charles.

M Beanie, Boy Toy Wrangler/Driver, George Michael

This job seems pretty easy -

Step 1: Find a fucktoy for a rich, faded, liquid-hipped pop chanteuse a couple times a week.

Step 2: …

Step 3: Profit!

M was good at it too. He had Michael elbow deep in ass for a year. However, in an embarrassing parallel parking incident, Michael carped one time too many and his driver quit, leaving M holding the keys. When M was promoted to driver, things went to hell in a handbasket. In the past year alone, Mr. Michael’s been arrested three times for drunk driving, twice for soliciting sex in a park (who knew that was illegal?), he’s been to rehab twice, had Hoof & Mouth Disease once, and is now the more pathetic of the two (2) former members of Wham! This is a bad year and elevates Beanie instantly into the Hall of Fame.

Pam Ward, Broadcaster of Iowa football games, ESPN2

Pammy is not pretty. This is no crime, to be sure, but she sought out a career in television so I think this shows a tremendous lack of self-awareness. She also talks for a living and her voice is… unfortunate. Her voice has the deaf tones of a demolitions expert and all the warmth of a well digger’s ass. To complete the hat trick, she talks about football for living and doesn’t know anything about football, at all. She is positively the worst announcer in the history of man.

General Pickett, Confederate General, Battle of Gettysburg

You don’t need to be a military strategist to see why this was the turning point in the Civil War (GO NORTH!!! WOOOO!!!). I’ve been to Gettysburg. I’ve seen the battlefield and I can tell you, it’s no small jaunt. It’s really flat, but it’s a hell of a long way from one side to the other. I made it in cargo shorts and running shoes and I was tired and crabby as shit when I got to the other side. Also, I did it in March, not in July when Pickett made his hike. I can just imagine doing it with a musket and those fucking hideous wool unis! Were they a marching band or an army? Horrible fashion choice on their part, nearly as bad as their walk directly into the line of fire across that field. The Confederacy suffered a casualty rate of over 50%, many of which were Pickett’s men. Pickett’s Charge** was the beginning of the end for the South in the Civil War. Bad move, George.

Lucious Picard, Dialect Coach, Kevin Costner for Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Costner was doing what all American actors do when they’re surrounded by “yes” men, he decided to take a role with an accent. The studio fearlessly cast the paunchy 40-ish rock hound as the young Brit Robin of Locksley. All they needed was someone to help the would-be archer to sound authentically British so they went with wunderkind Lucious Picard from the Royal Albert Hall of Drama. This did not go well. Costner’s accent came and went like a Yorkshire breeze; when it was good it was bad and when it was bad it was awesome. Sadly, unintentional comedy is not what they were going for and Picard spends these days replying to Madonna’s fan mail using “British sounding words”.  

* Mort would be higher on this list (or lower?) but he made the best bratwurst chili in the history of man. This cannot be discounted.

** Pickett’s Charge inspired the Lost Cause, which was one of Beck’s best singles from his “mopey period”.

It’s the last call for Da U at the Orange Bowl this Saturday night when Miami hosts Virginia under the lights. I’m not a ‘Canes fan but I’m a football fan and if I had to name my most vivid college football memories, half of them would be housed at the OB.

The ‘84 National Championship Game: Greatest game I ever saw. The call Osborne made to go for 2 at the end was like a perfect storm of stones, musk, and arrogance [for the young pups, see: Miles, Les]. This is the game that hooked me on college football and it’s an addiction I’m still battling today.

The ‘87 Orange Bowl: Brian Bosworth stalked the sidelines while on suspension from the team sporting a wicked haircut and wearing a t-shirt that spelled out N.C.A.A. with the words National Communists Against Athletes. On the field, the Sooners laid the wood to Arkansas 42-8 but all I remember is the Boz and his stance against the man, trying to hold a brother down.

The Brawl and The Call: Not one word needs to be said.

It’s not just about the games, it’s about the fear, loathing, and feral atmosphere that permeates the old joint. When they come out of the tunnel, I used to wonder if it wasn’t fog at all, but rather a blizzard of crack smoke. The electricity in the air isn’t something synthetic (unless you count the fans, players, coaches, and broadcasters fueled on Charlie and Cris) either. There appears to be something very real that turns people into maniacs with a riot mentality when they enter the hallowed walls of that place. It may look like it’s on death’s door, with the crumbling walls, dilapidated toilets, and mysterious yellow fluid that leaks from its bowels, but if you look her in the eye, there’s still a fire raging in there that will take all you got, all night long, and laugh in your face when you’re done. Kind of like Peter O’Toole.

But thanks to criminal city management, fiscal nightmares, and $2 whore, Donna Shalalalalala, the OB is shutting her doors. What’s worse, the ‘Canes’ new home will be Dolphins Stadium. The thought of the ‘Canes playing in that synthetic place makes me sick. The concessions serve tater salad and tapioca; it’s like a goddamned nursing home. Look what it’s done to the Dolphins! But alas, this isn’t about the future, it’s about the past, so this weekend, when you’re tailgating, whether you’re at a game or on the couch, do a rail of blow and pour a little out for a fallen homey. You don’t have to love her, but you gotta respect her.

Recognize.

Memphis Tigers defensive lineman Taylor Bradford was shot and killed by an unidentified gunman on the campus of the University of Memphis around 10:00 p.m. Sunday night, according to WREG-TV in Memphis.

Bradford was returning with friends to his apartment to get his keys, according to witnesses, when the gunman shot Bradford. Bradford was taken to a local hospital shortly afterwards, and died later that night.

The shooting took place at an apartment complex owned and operated by the University of Memphis. We wish there were other details here, but there’s not much at this point–just an incident so violent and random even WREG’s headline pops with a totally genuine exclamation point.

Overzealous coaching is something we understand. Stealing someone’s pants outside the bounds of a friendly prank is not. Curt McKinney, coach of the Cincinnati rec league Midwest Marauders, is a pants-stealing, batshit-crazy bastard, according to one Aucherae Washington, a 10 year old booted from practice for walking down a hill during sprint drills at the Marauders’ practice. The saga of a boy who lost his pants follows in brief (boxers, actually, but on with the story:)

The boy said his coach berated him in front of the other players.

“He wanted a pair of pants,” said neighbor Yvonne Workman. “He was upset, and he seemed like he was nervous and he didn’t know what to do.”

The coach has not been suspended because he has not been charged with a crime in the case, according to league officials. He should be, of course: the kid is ten years old, playing football for fun, and obviously mismatched with a zealot of a coach who stripped him of his dignity in front of his teammates before making him walk home pantsless at the age of ten. Remember that blogs are the little invisible words in between the lines of regular newsprint, and in this case, those words read: Oh my god, what a complete and utter waste of carbon this man is.

And if you don’t think everyone in life wants a little dignity and a pair of pants at the bare minimum…then you, sir, are not part of this man’s Republic of Awesome. Seek citizenship elsewhere.

HT: Odell51

HT and cocktails to Holly, our pinch-photoshopper.

Hoeppner: 1947–2007.