I mean, of course he is. If this coaching staff had anyone left in their corner at all after treating a reeling, gutted fanbase to a full quarter of Jonathan Crompton, I’d love to hear from them.

So, here we go. It’s time; there’s absolutely no arguing that, but for a city and a team threatened by the remotest hint of change the balance of the season looms dark and our natural pessimism has finally found purchase.  Even with both feet in the FIRE HIS ASS YESTERDAY camp, I was never going to be entirely comfortable when this day came.  He’s the coach of my childhood, the devil I know.  Six weeks ago, I wrote,  “It’s our time at the edge, and the stay will be neither brief nor pleasant.”  I had no idea.

But if there’s anything to celebrate here with complete joyful abandon (for me, campers, for me), it’s that Chris Low scooped the living hell out of the Knoxville News-Sentinel, a terrible paper with a simpering buffoon of a sports editor in John Adams.  Save your preening, sir—you’ve had a public, exhausting vendetta against the guy for years and today you got beat.  ABIGAIL Adams would’ve had that story first, and that bitch has been dead almost 200 years.

The weekend viewing agenda:

ORSON (ATL):
Texas Tech @ Kansas
Kentucky @ Florida
OK State @ Texas
Georgia @ LSU
Penn State @ Ohio State
Alabama @ Tennessee
USC @ Arizona

HOLLY (Knoxvull):
Alabama @ Tennessee, live in SurlyVision(tm) from Neyland.

The Turtle:  Everywhere and nowhere, and that’s because he’s representing FEAR, not some sucka Dust Bowl farmers.  [/steinbeckwasapantywaist'd]

Itineraries below, please and thank you.  Welcome back to this grand addiction of ours.

The non-royal we are both viewing games with actual corporeal humans to-day, so y’all are on your own until our egos are through writing checks our bodies can’t cash.

Rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team. By all means, enjoy yourselves.

#4 Florida @ Tennessee

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: As I write this, the line is sitting pretty at 7.5. Pass the salt! Which Tennessee team has Vegas been watching? The one that thinks it’s a swell idea to keep an outmatched Jonathan Crompton winging passes, or the one that couldn’t get to 40 against UAB with a bye week to prepare? That offense is going all kinds of wrong in ways I’m not sure I can even identify (although CATCHING THE GODDAMN BALL would be a great start), and a day before kickoff against our most loathsome rivals my idea of a successful outing would be to see the Vawls leave the field at 0:00 without having been booed by our own student section. (Which is no longer unheard of in Neyland, and isn’t THAT a pleasant turn of events.) Tennessee does have a history of coming up big against lowered expectations, but—no. It’s our time at the edge, and the stay will be neither brief nor pleasant. Florida, by a gulfy margin.

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Not by gulfy margins, certainly: the Florida offense is still trying to figure out all these durn pieces, and Dan Mullen, flustered by all the weirdness, will likely give up on the newfangled “run-ning back” position after a few punts and go back to TebowSmash/HarvinGive/Occasional PA deep ball as he’s wont to do. Tennessee’s offense has been bad to semi-bad to this point, and that gapemouthed look Jonathan Crompton gets when a disguised coverage unveils itself makes the stomach wrench with a torsion unfelt since the early days of Casey Clausen era. He’s good for the margin of victory, which feels like something around 28-17ish or so. (Also, Hayes is picking the Vols. Free. Money.)

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The weekend in Gamblor-baiting, divided into half-reasoned predictions and blind contempt.

#5 OSU @ #1 USC

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: USC. We’ll all look like idiots for picking USC for the first quarter, the first quarter when Mark Sanchez struggles a bit, the Buckeyes actually stick to the run in a big game for a while, and the Buckeye defense zeroes in on USC’s innovative “first down boot PA pass” call, which they make every damn time they hold the ball.

Then, the ice weasels come for Ohio State, and they come at halftime. The run game will stall; USC’s offense will find holes underneath in the zone, or counter OSU’s blitzes with screens and slants; and then it’s all tears and replay from there as this rough beast slouches toward Bethlehem in the second half. Then, they’ll have to rely on Todd Boeckman passing them back into the game to survive. This means they die.

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL:  USC. Can the argument be made that for the past two weeks Ohio State has been operating out of a third of its playbook, saving all the fancy Pryor packages for the game that’ll swing their title hopes the most?  Of course.  But if Tressel’s got something that gamebreaking up his tiny sleeves, I find it very hard to believe he’ll choose the Coliseum as a staging ground to see whether or not any of it works.  If last week’s game had truly been the cakewalk we all expected, the Buckeyes would’ve been able to wrest control handily once things started to careen the way of the Bobcats.  They did not.

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Corso hisses. Desmond Howard counts a very special number for Jeremy Maclin. Chris Fowler pronounces Clemson and Alabama fans as “fucked up.” Gameday gets the thorough remixing and Unnecessary Censorshop treatment courtesy of Holly’s deft digital hands and the magic of TiVo.

Enjoy.

Gameday Remixed is sponsored by Gillette, which reminds you that only Gillette can help you “Look, Feel, and Fuck Your Best.”

Triumph or defeat is in the hands of the Gods. So let us celebrate the struggle!

Far, far be it from us to mock injuries to college athletes, particularly those sustained by Bruins quarterbacks, all of whom seem to have been born under the same Mr. Glass constellation. But after learning that Ben Olson has injured himself again, this time while backing away from the center, we did a little digging through the UCLA medical archives, and there’s significant evidence to merit assigning minders to all incoming signal-callers:

2007: Recently unsealed medical records indicate that Patrick Cowan’s knee problems were an aggravation of a previous injury sustained while reenacting the mattress surfing scene from Disney’s Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement:

1991: Tommy Maddox sits out the entirety of spring practice after overturning a campus vending machine in an attempt to procure an extra can of Fresca.

1988: Troy Aikman is rushed to the hospital after ingesting a packet of silica gel he found in his new cleats, misses week of practice leading up to USC but recovers in time to take the field.

1984: Steve Bono undergoes season-ending surgery to his left foot after becoming entangled in a mall escalator.

1983: Rick Neuheisel is held out of the Arizona State game following a “Sun-In incident.”

1972: Mark Harmon misses four games with a sprained face.

1966: Gary Beban slices off entire left hand opening a can of pears, is held out of Rose Bowl.

1961: Billy Kilmer misses the College All-Star Game after dislocating his shoulder while removing tags from a new mattress.

1943: Records from this time period are spotty, indicating only that Bob Waterfield did not play in the first two games of the season due to “freckles”.

In all seriousness, for rills: This does suck, we’re in no way looking forward to playing a UCLA team that’s at anything less than full strength, because where’s the fun, and we wish a speedy and actual recovery to Olson and the rest of the Pac-10 QB casualties.