This woman was shot for her pelt sometime during the third quarter.

If you’ve been to Baton Rouge on a gameday, this seems like as good an idea as giving high schoolers an extra set of genitals, something Les Miles agrees with in the general sense.*

Coach Miles, in his own words:

“Having worked on a college campus for most of my career, I know that firearms do not belong on campus.

“To allow firearms on campus would be to introduce an element of risk that could compromise all that is good about a university setting.”

Imagine the Mogadishu-on-the-Mississippi resulting from a Tigers loss, and you get the picture. As much as you might have joked about seeing Lee Corso shot after a game, do you really want to see Lee Corso shot after a game? Oh, so you do want to see him shot after a game. So sorry about that. No, we’re not standing in your way. Why would we do that? My, you’re handsome. No, not in a gay way. Hey, you should point that somewhere else, really, Corso’s right there, and BLAM OW owowoowowwowo my, that stings, and yes we would like a beer, please, thanks…**

*He might support the giving of additional genitals to high schoolers. After all, he does have eight testicles himself.

** Please note the LSU fan here offers you a beer after shooting you. They are polite in their own way.

Orson: Ready to hate?

Holly: It’s been too long since I was referred to as a “dick mitten.”

Holly: (yes. hateyourface.)

Orson: I will open this with: I will throw you in a closet full of BEES and name Dave Clawson as your offensive coordinator.

Holly: [yourpastorheardyousaythat'd]

Holly: I don’t even need to do anything to you. I will strand you, as is, in the Wisconsin student section. They’ll love your fluffy widdle fauxhawk.

Orson: I’ll die from the fumes first. SO….MUCH..BOOZE….

Holly: Or from the FREE HAM sign I will place about your neck.

Orson: Speaking of Booze: how is Johnny Majors?

Holly: Virile.

Orson: And flammable.

Holly: ….I just died a little. Oh, did I tell you? I got you a walk-on part for Ghost Rider 2. You’re welcome.

Orson: Damn you. That’s the worst thing you could have threatened me with.

Holly: You led with a body blow. It was that, or assigning you to Ben Mauk’s legal defense team, which lord knows has to still be operational.

Orson: I will let your team win a national championship, but not with your heralded white quarterback, but instead with a mobile black qb who took money from boosters.

Holly: So will I! (Chris Leak was getting help from SOMEBODY.)

Orson: Revlon.

Holly: Maybe he’s born with it. I will tell Will Muschamp you’re hurt.

Orson: I will give you a house next to Neyland Stadium, but it will be on “Casey Clausen Court,” not “Peyton Manning Way.”

Holly: vikbhwGHIV;.vikbhnvj:?BF ;

Orson: That one buuuuuuuurns.

Holly: I, in return, will subject you to a variation of waterboarding known as Jimmy Clausen Hair Runoff Torture.

Orson: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Holly: After which you will be required to pull out Charlie’s post-op stitches. Without gloves or a mask.

Orson: I will cover you in batter and signs reading “Free Ammo!” and throw you at a horde of LSU fans.

Holly: I will inform Randy Shannon that you failed to separate your recyclables. His sad, disappointed eyes will drive you to seppuku.

Orson: (Like anyone in Miami recycles.) I will stab you to death with the planet Mars.

Holly: I’m telling Mike the Tiger you sassed him.

Holly: Also, Rey heard you’re full of candy.

Orson: I will give out your cellphone number as Erin Andrews’. The sharks will never cease their circling.

Holly: I’m giving yours out as Greg Robinson’s. A different sort of shark.

Orson: I will inform several Alabama message boards that you keyed Nick Saban’s solid gold Cocksman 300 Sedan. You KNOW that one’s gonna suck.

Holly: I will show you the true meaning of the verb form of Kragthorpe.

Orson: I’m pretty sure that involves my anus, and not in a good way.

Holly: Know what you need? A guest appearance on Dr. Lou: Acupunture Edition. (builtbythehomedepot)

Orson: I will make you go menswear shopping with Chris Fowler on clearance sale day.

Holly: I have three words. Fire ant ball.

Orson: I will force you to work as a gravy swabber on Charlie Weis’ new 18 foot long land-yacht, the Frying Crutchman.

Holly: You’ll be laughing when I strap you to a mechanical bull, sidesaddle in front of Brent Musberger, who’s 97 sheets to the wind and singing bluegrass.

Orson: You will wake up in a bathroom. Your leg will be chained to a radiator. A saw will be on the floor. A loop of the Randy Sanders 2005 offense will be running on the television. Make the decision you must make.

Holly: Good, because I’m sending you to a Baptist picnic with storebought banana pudding. And while you’re gone I”m hiding Big Red under your bed and Little Red in your closet. It’s no use running.

Orson: I will tie you to a post and allow Mike Patrick to read his journals aloud to you. No man has made it past page 16 without becoming incurably insane.

Holly: Giant Trev Alberts is just outside the door. He heard what you said about his pores. And he’s most displeased.

Orson: I’ll shoot you with a gun that fires other guns.

Holly: I’ll shoot you with a bear-gun (that’s a gun that shoots live bears)

Orson: I’ll do that, but instead of bears, it will fire bullets. Wait…

Orson: I will turn you into a man just to cockpunch you.

Holly: I will do the same OOOOHHHHHH BUUUUURN In summation: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. Oh, and I’ll cut you. Again.

A powerful high-caliber recruit who shot into the starting lineup as a left guard on the 2006 national title team, Ronnie Wilson will be reinstated at Florida as a walk-on on the defensive tackle position*.

Wilson, who spent over a year away from the team following an incident where the lineman discharged an AK-47 in a downtown Gainesville parking lot**, aims to help the Gators reload on the defensive line. The d-line will need significant firepower this season to assist a secondary still reeling from being shot to pieces by opposing quarterbacks in 2007. Wilson, a 6′4″, 310 pound former starting guard, could provide some substantial fire along the line, though there is a firefight of competition surrounding the spot.*** He’ll have to acquire all the skills d-lineman need: looking down the barrel of an onrushing offensive lineman, shooting the gap, and strafing through blocks in rapid-fire fashion to bring down his target.

Given the current state of Florida’s defensive line, we predict Wilson will rise with a bullet to the top of the depth chart!**** Go Gators!*****

*Really? Reeeeeeeeally? Agog. Agape. Not with surprise, but with disgust, since we sort of expected him to be back on the team in November of 2007. By that standard, we should be happy, if that “standard” didn’t mean “bitter sarcasm,” and it does.

SI’s got their archives mostly open and running, a boon for tweedy archvists like ourselves and something that had us sprinting straight for rock star Rick Telander at his most glorious: the February 29th, 1989 article “You Reap What You Sow,” which for the EDSBS underclassmen will serve as a cheat sheet (pun!) for what we mean when we say something is “Barry Switzertastic” in terms of program mismanagement and lax discipline.

We remember the exact instant when we read this article: sitting in a Fantastic Sam’s in a strip mall in Franklin, Tennessee, waiting on a haircut with Mom and vacillating between adolescent moral horror and unabashed admiration for the gusto Oklahoma’s football players displayed in their abuse of petty privilege.

A few of the finer cuts:

Earlier that week he had lectured children at a nearby grammar school about the evils of drug use. “Regardless of what anyone has told you about drugs,” he told the youngsters, “they’re the quickest way to end your life, the quickest way to be in jail.”

Three days later the FBI charged Thompson with having sold 17 grams of cocaine for $1,400 to an undercover agent on Jan. 26.

And:

Parks, who reportedly had been drinking, barged in and angrily confronted Peters about a cassette tape that he claimed Peters had borrowed. Peters told Parks he didn’t know what he was talking about. The two had gone to high school together in Houston, and Peters knew of Parks’s volatile temper. But Peters was much bigger—240 pounds to Parks’s 176—and once the shouting turned to shoving, Parks was on the floor.

In a rage, Parks bolted from the dorm and into the parking lot. He returned with a Harrington & Richardson eight-shot .22-caliber revolver. He threatened Peters with it and was taunted in return. “You’re not going to do anything,” said Peters. “I dare you! Go on, shoot me! Shoot me!” Peters stepped forward and pushed Parks yet again. Parks shot him. The bullet missed Peters’s heart by three inches. Parks fled to neighboring Jones Hall, where he was apprehended by university police officers. “I’m the one who did it,” police quoted Parks as saying. “I had no choice.”

The next time someone complains about “kids these days,” just send them this link and remind them that “crazy-ass motherfucker” has never gone out of style.

The biggest leap in the board comes from Oregon State. Do not blame us, blame the authorities who file the charges and insist on playing triple-word-score with the charges for otherwise five/six point crimes.

Al Afalava, a three-year starter for the Oregon State football team’s defense, was cited for criminal mischief, which is a felony, DUII and hit-and-run by the Corvallis Police on Feb. 9, according to Corvallis Police Department public information officer Lt. Dave Henslee.

See? Corvallis police charge him with everything including “untidy arrangement of vehicular garbage resulting in messy crash scene,” and by rule we spit out points like a broken ATM. Blame the Farvas at the Corvallis police department and drunkass Al Afalava for the skewed charges, not us. Mike Riley says he can tell Aflalava’s making a tackle just from the sound. Now the Corvallis police have the same ability.

Alabama makes the first of two ironic scores in the Cupdate. Your team captain gets arrested for disorderly conduct! No salt or pepper needed! Take that scotch neat, you will. Add in the Elder armed robbery arrest, and we’re talking magic.

Louisville went a-road tripping, and oh what a time that was. We awarded two bonus points for this one, but with the charges as they stand, even the brazen gusto of robbing a convenience store (and on a school night, young man) doesn’t tally up the pile of points Alabama and Oregon State racked up. Even so, the Farking is good to you and good for you in this case.

HT: Reed. He does reek of triumph, with just a hint of hot dog roller.

Double your irony at no extra charge: Iowa players get busted for drug charges while Kirk Ferentz, attempting to right the ship, is actually on the Iowa Hawkeye Booster Cruise. “Shore to ship, can you hear me–” “Umm, no…you’re breaking CHHHRRRGGGGGFAKEMOUTHNOISEKKRRRGGGG up KRRRGGHHHH…”

Kansas loses points due to a clerical error on our part: the trumped up “dog-on-the-loose” charge has been dismissed due to PeteJayhawk’s diligent work, informing us that the player in question is a fifth-year senior with no eligibility left. Not on the team, not in the tally.

Post your compliments, gratuitous stroking of our ego, and cries from the WAAAAAAHHHHHHmbulance below. And pleading for points is just perverse, unless you’re from the U. Then you’re just trying to compete like competitors would, playa. (We’re looking at you, Barstoolio!)

The new charges, notes, and clarifications:

The Vols pick up two for Faison’s DUI and continue to win the team award: five arrests in total only have them at the eight point mark, meaning they may be kings of the junk bond market, but in points alone they’re trailing due to the spectacular tallies of Missouri and Illinois.

Oregon enters due to the weird charge of “running a drug house,” a charge that must be from the civil code of Oregon or something since we’ve never heard it before. On paper, it merely looks like receiver Derrick Jones was arrested for contempt of court, so for the moment we’ll assess the Ducks with a mere two points. If the charges blossom into something spectacular–JONES HAD LIVE TIGER, WORLD IS MINE NEON FOUNTAIN SCULPTURE IN DRUG MANSION–then we’ll modify. For now, two points it is.

Note that Missouri and Illinois are up there for individual accomplishments, and so may both end up being Ellis T. Jones III candidates for individual achievement, not Fulmer Cup winners.

Meyer has finally addressed both, according to Pat Dooley of the Gainesville Sun. (HT: The Sporting Orange.) Wilson will receive a year’s suspension from the program, missing the 2007 season entirely, a firm but not final punishment made possible by the reduction of the charge in the case to a misdemeanor. (Viva la Liberal Gun Laws in Florida!) This suspension does not preclude the possibility of Wilson rejoining the team, the little extra wrinkle typical of most of Meyer’s disciplinary decisions: there’s almost always a chance for redemption or sliding, depending on your interpretation of things.

(He discharged an AK-47 in downtown Gainesville like he was at an Iraqi wedding. We lean toward “sliding.”)

James’ punishment seems closer to appropriate: the obligatory one game suspension against the mighty Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky is expected, but James may lose his scholarship for the semester, a nasty piece of discipline as any former student who’s considered donating plasma for money can attest. (Advantages: post aphoresis, you can get positively housed off one beer.)

Meyer refused to comment, but we’re guessing if he were to respond, he’d suggest the punishments were “harsh.” They are also a start in the right direction. [/Economist snappy ending sentence voice.]

Northwestern gets in on the Big 10 Fulmer Cup rush with a piddling DUI charge for center Trevor Rees, pulled over for weaving and swervin’ in Wilmette like a playa should.

Haters. Next time, Trevor, don’t let them take you alive. (HT: Prof-fan.)

The tease of all Fulmer Cup teases may actually be dropping drawers at last. The Penn State burglary incident involving up to seven players should come to fruition tomorrow, legally speaking at least. According to double top-secret sources, two or three will face serious charges, while up to seven could be charged in all.

Penn State Players involved in burglary: all your brains are belong to him.

This could garner Penn State serious, serious points in the Fulmer Cup. We’d estimate that with three facing serious charges (4 points each?) and four charged with misdemeanors (point each), this puts Penn State in the provisional 16 point range, easily securing second place with the dismissal of a complaint against an unnamed Florida football player earlier this week.

Finally, South Carolina’s Cory Boyd hasn’t been exonerated or charged in an incident at a party allegedly ending with Boyd deciding to see if his handgun worked properly by shooting it in the air during said party. It allegedly worked just fine, frightening the hell out of guests and earning him a visit from the police. Steve Spurrier, conveniently losing his coachspeak manual for the 33rd year in a row, had this to say:

Spurrier said he does not think the players did anything wrong. “But I’ve said that before and (was) proved wrong,” he added. “So I’m not saying it anymore.”

Which he just said. But doesn’t say anymore. I am a liar, I never tell a lie, I am a liar, I never tell a lie…(Android head explodes shortly thereafter…)

–Beautiful, sun blasted Gainesville this weekend, a place redolent with the smell of rotting vegetation, cheap beer, and burritos, and the smell of people actually tailgating for the spring’s Orange and Blue game: that was our weekend, combined with ten hours in the car and a hefty dose of Guitar Hero 2 on Saturday night. (”Beast and the Harlot” is hrrrrrrd, d00d.)

Ahhh…sun-blasted Gainesville. That’s not us in the foreground, incidentally.

As with any spring game, any bit of good news might potentially be bad news, since any amazing block, nifty catch, or clean sack might as a result of poor play on the other side, a side that happens to be the other half of your favorite team. This explains the odd reactions to any good play made at the Orange and Blue game, where an initial WOOOOO usually had a trailing grumble grumble grumble or OHHHHHHhhh accompanying it.

So 40,000 plus at Florida Field turned out to test out their inner Janus on Saturday, cheering but also parsing each play for meaning and import at the same time. Spring games always make us feel like the illegitimate child of the Oracle of Delphi and Ron Jaworski: half the time we’re working Xs and Os in real time from the stands, and the rest of time we’re left looking at chicken innards trying to figure out just who’ll manage to actually play well in real games.

The only clear trends you can take away from the game have to be the most obvious, glaring ones. Like these:

Tim Tebow hates non-contact jerseys. But defenders didn’t seem to mind; on plays where Tebow scrambled or took off on a designed run, he pulled up on two hand touches with an irritated turn, clearly miffed that he couldn’t plow into people. The defender who can bring him down solo will be rare, which you could have guessed. What you may not know is that this year’s Tebow, Cam Newton, showed the same willingness to run headlong into the fray, even if he spent most of the first half dropping shotgun snaps and throwing high and wide over the middle. Quarterback runs, a large part of the offense last year, will only grow in importance as Meyer now has two baby rhinos giddy about dragging the game of football back to the 1950s.

Sore shoulders=touch. Tebow had a sore shoulder for most of spring and it allegedly only improved him. He threw the ball with touch, accuracy, and poise both from the pocket and on the run, going for 217 yards and 3 tds in what was essentially a half’s worth of work.

A sore shoulder made him better. Meyer now plans to hobble him to make him a better runner.

Most of these weren’t the cringe-inducing yields ripped wholesale from a weak secondary, either. Tebow completed tight passes through good coverage all day, including a few on the fake bubble screen which seems wickedly difficult to defend. (The play will certainly be run with Harvin in the slot, forcing defenses to defend him, allowing for a huge gap upfield for an easy reception. Imagining this play run between Louis Murphy deep and Harvin short with Tebow free to run…that’s our porn, people.)

Chevon Walker must learn to pass block. Because according to Meyer, that’s what’s keeping him from outright ownership of the tailback position. He ran for seventyish in the game, most in the first half, breaking tackles and attracting swarms of tacklers before going down. He’s the hardest runner at Florida since Ciatrick Fason, and with a deep and savvy offensive line blocking for the zone read plays, Tebow/Walker will make things very, very nasty on linebackers.

Brandon Spikes can transfer energy very fluidly. Particularly kinetic energy, as in the kind you impart to another object when you hit it. Spikes won the award for most NAHs on the day, cracking pads with a ferocity you don’t naturally expect given his rather lean frame. We watched no one but him for a five minute span at one point. He’s strong and makes pads sing, yes, but his footwork is dazzling; if he weren’t a football player he’d be a wicked tennis pro, because he zipped back and forth in coverage like Q-bert, never getting caught on his heels and breaking up passes with arms that can cover multiple passing lanes with ease. He’s this year’s Reggie Nelson, the brain of the coverage defense who feels the flow of the play prior to anyone else realizing it.

As blitz-happy as Strong can be, he’d be wise to play Tampa 2 more this year with Brandon roaming the midfield. Spikes is forcing us into our second player comparison of the day, since his footwork and telescoping arms resemble no one so much as Derrick Brooks, the fleet weak side linebacker that made Tampa Bay’s cover 2 the model for the NFL. Spikes is either that or Dr. Octopus with better abs. We’re really not sure.

Brandon Spikes: nimble in coverage and on the runway.

Louis Murphy and Tebow can speak with their minds. Receivers got the historical hyperbole gland working overtime: Caldwell, Ingram, Murphy, Harvin, and Fayson seem to be as good as one could pull out of the Florida history barrel at once. (Hey, go back to 96 if you want–Nafis Karim was fifth, and all five of these five pwn him.)

Murphy, though, has some spooky telepathy with Tebow. Murphy went for 129 yards on 8 receptions with a TD, and could easily slide into the Dallas Baker default receiver slot this year. Like Baker, he’s impossible in one on one situations, with long arms, a healthy ability to levitate, and a knack for putting himself in perfectly equidistant position between two defenders in the zone.

Caldwell blazed, Harvin didn’t even play, and Fayson made an absurd one-handed catch. Receiver’s just fine.

Defensive line is still a mystery.DE Jermaine Cunningham ran clean curves around the offensive line, and Derrick Harvey didn’t play, so we’ll assume end is set. Tackle, however, is a toss-up. Brandon Antwine played well in bursts, but no one made the guards and center roller skate backwards until well into the fourth quarter. It’s a potential weak spot, albeit one with immense potential.

So is the defensive backfield. Kyle Jackson still has flammable potential, and did little to assuage that fear on Saturday. The young corners performed well, but still gave up substantial yardage. Whether this is due to WR awesomeness or their own lack of skill is a riddle of spring that won’t be answered until someone goes up top and deep off play-action in the fall. We’ll be casting spells and tossing chicken blood around when they do–consider yourself warned.

Haiku summary of Florida at this moment:

Offense, scoring points
Like rain on slopes of Taishan.
Defense? Mystery.

The latest example of why you live life like a mincing ninny comes courtesy of the Fanhouse:

I’m a Bill O’Reilly fan. I listen to a lot of talk radio. G. Gordon Liddy. Rush Limbaugh. Sean Hannity. I like G. Gordon Liddy. I got Leach that Stacked and Packed Calendar. G. Gordon Liddy puts out this calendar. It’s women in bathing suits holding guns. He talked about it; I figured he’d want it. Maybe that’s why he put me on scholarship.”

Ladies with guns=hott. Ladies with guns and burqa=hotttttter.

Ladies with guns=scholarship? There’s nothing there to really support it other than the supposition of an 18 year old who “listen(s) to a lot of talk radio.” This does not present the best case. However, we want it to be true, because it would be so much funnier if it were.

Therefore we proclaim that Mike Leach traded gun ‘n babe cheesecake calendarage for a scholarship. Just try and take down the pirate, NCAA!!! You don’t have the balls to take Captain Mike down, Myles Brand. Just try it and see–after all, he’s now got a recruit with “an undisclosed number of firearms” in his custody.

Wait a second…how did he get away from us? Sending Urban email immediately–we have to maintain our status as college football’s most ardent defender of the 2nd amendment. We’ll fight for that prize, and you’ll have to take it from our cold, dead hands, pirate. From our cold, dead hands.