EDSBS » grr training

CURIOUS INDEX, 2/17/2009

Holly — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:30:44 +0000

Sweet wounded Jesus. Florida State, Where Talent Goes To Die, will be killing once-promising players off fast and furious in 2009, with eleven 2008 bowl teams on the schedule.

…hang in there?

Mark Richt is a dirty damned liar. Or the NCAA is full of terrible small men who make terrible small rules. (Our tipster suggests Kiffykins show up at graduation in Richt’s place. We could not agree with this plan more.)

A dodge worthy of that Wire headline. Is Nick Saban the next SEC coach ducking recruiting regulations? Eh. Maybe? We tire of these OOOOOH YOU IN TROUBLE NOW SON stories, and will default to Joel’s position:

Yeah, so did Nick Saban violate the “bump” rule when he obtained a commitment from Memphis wide receiver Keiwone Malone? It’s Saban. It’s Alabama. We’re Tennessee. So . . . OF COURSE HE DID!

There. We have a shortcut around this argument for the rest of the season. Onward.

Threet Matrix, we hardly knew ye. Steven “Embattled” Threet is making fast tracks out of Ann Arbor, surprising almost no one who saw him try and fit into RichRod’s schemes in ‘08. We will leave the analysis to Brian Cook, however, and instead devote our afternoon to mourning the demise of our trusty stash of “Threet Level Midnight” jokes.

Because Hell does the damndest things to your merocrine glands, is his point. Former UW O-Line coach Dan Cozzetto, now of Arizona state, will return to Washington next season with the avowed mission of “toughing up the running game”.

Cozzetto did not return calls made to his office late Thursday. His voice mail greeting ends with the line: “Remember, Devils don’t sweat.”

That’s absolutely correct, sir. They glow. And if he can harangue linemen in Tempe out of sweating, notching a single win with the Huskies ought to be no problem at all.

Items We Require, Vol. XVII: We’re declaring the pool officially open: Which team will get photographic evidence of one of these suckers in action first? Easy odds say Miami, Fresno State, and so on, but smart money’s on Virginia, by virtue of there being nothing better to do.

CAL GETS NEW UNIS. BEARS!

Orson Swindle — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 19:40:15 +0000

New uniforms popping up like bad mold has become a more frequent feature of the offseason than we’d really like, what with the need for programs feeling like they “need to create some buzz” meeting the licensed apparel provider’s need to “sell more shit.” Thus you get the hellspawn of designers let loose to defecate on classic uniforms, or even worse, to create new and ever more cancerous manifestations of Oregon’s uniforms, which at this point are really just autonomous lifeforms designed to feed on sweat and dead skin cells while replicating themselves in shocking, eye-scorching variations

Cal’s new uniforms feature “bear claw-esque slashes around the neckline,” indicating to us that you’ve been attacked by bears, and are not the bear doing the attacking. Do this with Baylor, and we’re not thinking twice, since being mauled has been an integral part of Baylor football for years now. Do it for a team located in the Bay Area, and we’re thinking one thing and one thing only.

BEARS! (Warning: is so gay Rufus Wainwright doesn’t watch it without blast goggles.)

Your brain was lacking in scar tissue, anyway. It’s tougher now. Trust us. The bleeding from the ears will stop after a few minutes. If it doesn’t, call someone you love and tell them all those things you’ve been holding back from them. You don’t have much time.

“LIKE THE TIME HE KILLED AN ALLIGATOR WITH A SHOVEL…”

Orson Swindle — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 17:52:02 +0000

Bruce Feldman at ESPN has this year’s edition of one of our favorite testosterone-raising articles of the year, the “workout warriors” piece. Our digital copy is covered in awe, so we can’t hand it to you, but we suggest you get your own, and let the following excerpts convince you to go ahead and read the whole thing.

…who throws around 100-pound kettlebells and 180-pound dumbbells….

…asked if he’s even seen anything that big, move that fast, USC strength coach Chris Carlisle paused for a few moments: “Maybe when I walked by the cheetah cage at the wildlife park.”

…Like the time he once killed an alligator with a shovel. Bailey, who wowed Miami coaches with his smooth transition from linebacker to defensive end, was almost as impressive in Miami’s spring workouts where he weighed in at 286 pounds with 8 percent body fat and vertical jumped 38.5 inches and power cleaned 375 pounds — numbers that surely are adding to the Bailey folklore around Coral Gables.

It’s mandatory reading, and something to think about that when you’re using the rubber bands at the gym today. (But they’re the thick heavy ones!) Until you’ve killed an alligator with a shovel, you’ve got some lifting to do, son.