New uniforms popping up like bad mold has become a more frequent feature of the offseason than we’d really like, what with the need for programs feeling like they “need to create some buzz” meeting the licensed apparel provider’s need to “sell more shit.” Thus you get the hellspawn of designers let loose to defecate on classic uniforms, or even worse, to create new and ever more cancerous manifestations of Oregon’s uniforms, which at this point are really just autonomous lifeforms designed to feed on sweat and dead skin cells while replicating themselves in shocking, eye-scorching variations

Cal’s new uniforms feature “bear claw-esque slashes around the neckline,” indicating to us that you’ve been attacked by bears, and are not the bear doing the attacking. Do this with Baylor, and we’re not thinking twice, since being mauled has been an integral part of Baylor football for years now. Do it for a team located in the Bay Area, and we’re thinking one thing and one thing only.

BEARS! (Warning: is so gay Rufus Wainwright doesn’t watch it without blast goggles.)

Your brain was lacking in scar tissue, anyway. It’s tougher now. Trust us. The bleeding from the ears will stop after a few minutes. If it doesn’t, call someone you love and tell them all those things you’ve been holding back from them. You don’t have much time.

Bruce Feldman at ESPN has this year’s edition of one of our favorite testosterone-raising articles of the year, the “workout warriors” piece. Our digital copy is covered in awe, so we can’t hand it to you, but we suggest you get your own, and let the following excerpts convince you to go ahead and read the whole thing.

…who throws around 100-pound kettlebells and 180-pound dumbbells….

…Like the time he once killed an alligator with a shovel. Bailey, who wowed Miami coaches with his smooth transition from linebacker to defensive end, was almost as impressive in Miami’s spring workouts where he weighed in at 286 pounds with 8 percent body fat and vertical jumped 38.5 inches and power cleaned 375 pounds — numbers that surely are adding to the Bailey folklore around Coral Gables.

It’s mandatory reading, and something to think about that when you’re using the rubber bands at the gym today. (But they’re the thick heavy ones!) Until you’ve killed an alligator with a shovel, you’ve got some lifting to do, son.