Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Evan and Thomas from something called Kentucky Sports Radio.  Below, their bullet-point primer of the Mildcats.  Do enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

We would say black, as in our program is perpetually falling in a never-ending black hole of despair, but black’s a shade, not a color. Or black is every color. Or black is the absence of color…

Anyway, I guess black can also be associated with goth, or to a lesser extent, emo. Maybe we’re just trying to act out just enough to get noticed. The last two seasons were our rebellious years; we trudged away from our normal role of folding late in games and actually beat teams. Some even convincingly!

Thus, we’ve sold our tight girl-jeans to Plato’s Closet and picked up some more traditional clothing, and we may even stop slashing our wrists a bit. We’ve succumbed to the norm, and have decided to actually look like a football team. Instead of allowing the Devery Henderson’s of the world to slip behind our defensive secondary, we’re chopping Charles Scott at the line of scrimmage on fourth down and the game on the line. Will it take? We hope so. Jet-black hair dye is expensive.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Um, wow. So we’re guessing the first two questions are here for us to flex our intellectual muscles, huh? We’re severely lacking in that department
To answer the question, though, we’d say we are in a stage similar to that of colonial America. See, the traditional SEC powers are the Brits: all-controlling, mean, brutal, and unforgiving. We are merely peasants, looking for someone or something to rally around. That “thing” is the LSU upset last year, or, our Boston Tea Party. That “person” is Rich Brooks. He is our Paul Revere, our Ben Franklin, our Thomas Jefferson. Plus, he seems fairly close to those folks in age.
We are in the midst of our own uprising. No one thinks it possible but us. With all due respect (well, none I guess) to Ole Miss, at this time, we are the rebels.

Had a little coachy named Paul Revere…

(more…)

The road to hell has a driver named Gene Chizik on it. We mean, it actually doesn’t, since Chizik says he “has faith in his life,” and hasn’t killed anyone besides Joel Klatt (and even then he told other guys to do it.) Again, Buffalo fans, just don’t watch.

He needs a priest! If only he played for Iowa State, whose attempt to pay for a chaplain to counsel and advise the team has Iowa State administrators fretting over church/state separation, has the ISU Athletic Director on the butt end of a petition from a whopping seven percent of the student body, and has quarterback Bret Meyer telling those concerned about the whole thing to kiss his ass, albeit only in a Christlike way:

‘‘To me, if it’s not going to involve you — the professor making the petition — just mind your own business,’’ Meyer said. ‘‘We’re not hurting you, we’re not bothering you, (so) just leave us alone. It’s unfortunate that they’re trying to make a big deal out of it.

For the record, the chaplain would be paid for out of private funds from the ISU booster club, which means no state funding would be involved in the chaplain’s salary. We at EDSBS only have the following editorial points we would like to offer in response to the story:

–If a chaplain is given an official paid position, then in order to be fair an imam, rabbi, Scientologist with e-Meter and clipboard, priest, Wiccan lesbian priestess with a Dead Can Dance t-shirt, Zen monk, Zoroastrian priest/fire technician, Mormon-type clergyman, Inuit shaman, and Aztec war cleric need to be hired, as well.

–If Iowa State does it, every other single team needs to do it, as well.

–Dibs on Mola Ram, Thuggee cult leader for UF!

–And finally, once this is accomplished, we abolish the Kansas City Tiebreaker and instead substitute a clergy fight at the fifty won by knockout or submission hold. Our money’s on Mola Ram.

(HT:Dave.)

Mola Ram, official cleric of the 2009 National Championship Florida Gators.