The all-caps mania is less an exaggeration and more direct mimicry, as the following sample of Coley’s work on Twitter will illustrate.

Killing “misquitos” with an axe, brah: the intensity just wafts off that like a chili fart, or like the smoke off Christian Ponder’s freshly incinerated shoulder, coach. We’re with you. We’re getting out blunderbusses to shoot cockroaches. We’re petting dogs with giant cartoonish hands on sticks. We’re taking this double decker of ambition under the bridge of championshipness whether the bridge likes it or not. WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIINES!!!

It’s all quite entertaining, if in need of occasional rebuttal and clarification. For instance: statement one…

…and the necessary clarification and correction:

We’re here to help.

An emotional Andrews made the announcement at the Orthopedic and Sports Surgery Convention of North Florida and Southern Alabama, where the longtime defensive stalwart and coaching icon was scheduled to receive a lifetime achievement award in Knee Surgery generation. Andrews was known not only for his hard hitting defenses, but for his defenses’ ability to move the field of reconstructive surgery forward with new and ever-evolving variations of knee damage.

“I can’t tell you how many different knees we had roll through here, but I could always tell which one’s had Mickey’s name all over it,” said reconstructive surgery legend Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham. “They didn’t just tear. By the time they got to me, it looked the way a truck tire had blown up in there, treads flapping and flying all over the place. I owe him a lake house or two, that’s for sure.”

Andrews’ can claim a long list of NFL draftees developed under his supervision, including NFL legends Deion Sanders and Derek Brooks. His hard-nosed defenses emphasized pressure and hard hitting in addition to imposing as much knee damage as possible in a single hit.

“It was always about fundamentals for Mickey,” said fellow conference attendee Dr. Cal Wright of Mobile, Alabama. “His defenses weren’t fancy, but they certainly put pressure on people and forced mistakes. They also accounted for 45% of all my surgeries from 1991-1999, and for that I certainly owe him. A more deserving man could not be chosen for this award.”

Andrews will step down at the end of the season. His replacement has not been named yet, but a search is underway. When he leaves, he will leave a legacy of defensive brilliance unmatched in college football.

One thing he will not be short on is friends.

“Mickey is the best friend an old arthroscoper like myself ever had,” said longtime Andrews fan and sports surgeon Alan Kemp of Atlanta, Georgia in his closing remarks. “Hardest I ever laughed in my career came when they brought in Scott Milanovich. One knee hangin’ on by a few bloody shoestrings of ligament, the other completely gone. I ask what happened to ‘em, and he says Andre Wadsworth took the other one and ate it right there in front of him. We all owe Mickey a lot, including the most important thing of all: the laughter only a good friend or traumatic knee injury can give you.”

Two years ago Coach Bowden and I and others stood together and announced that we were beginning a period of transition for the football program.

That plan is in place and will produce results, given the opportunity and support.

…I want to assure all fans, friends, supporters and alumni of Florida State University that that transition will be finalized. Jimbo Fisher will be Florida State University’s next Head Football Coach.

…Our athletics programs are built on the foundation of helping young people build character and display that in their personal actions as well as on the fields of play.

We also expect our teams to be competitive.

…Any coach can choose to retire at any time…

…However, it is the athletics director’s responsibility to determine which coaches are hired and which contracts are extended.

Like this.

I know all of our fans, friends, supporters and alumni will accord the coaching staff and our young student-athletes all the support, encouragement and respect they deserve. I will respect the process. FSU does not make coaching changes in the middle of the season…

Specifically, I also know that Bobby Bowden loves this university. I have talked with him at length, and I know that he will do the right thing, as he always has done. I know the man and I know what’s in his heart.

I have spoken with numerous fans, alumni, Boosters, supporters and staff, and I will make a final report to the full Board of Trustees at the end of the year. Until then, FSU will concentrate on supporting our team and student-athletes in winning as many games as possible. Neither the university nor I will have further comment on this matter until then.

In lieu of this, please accept the Seventh Floor’s touching tribute to Rix, starring the Miami defense, failure, and a disturbing man-baby with deep compassion and a cherubic face.

Second, the Alphabetical returns for installment one of the 2009 season tomorrow morning. That should blow a good morning’s dawdling, so you can thank us in advance for blowing an eighth of your four day work week. You’re welcome.

Navy @ #6 Ohio State

Terrelle Pryor IS Belle IN La Belle et la Bête. Not the Disney cartoon Beauty & the Beast, but the 1946 Cocteau version where everything is sepia-toned and miserable. (The rest of Columbus is the beast, whom la princesse charms with his gentle, caring ways and methed-up deer speed.) The Buckeyes are a three-touchdown favorite, but Navy has been popping up here and there as a trendy upset pick. This year, that’s a mistake. Niumatalolo is as wizardly as he is unpronounceable, but OSU actually looks to be fielding something on the order of a solid (no, really, for real this time) squad and Tressy has a sterling opening record. (If this were the Disney version, though, he’s so totally that matronly teapot.)

#13 Georgia @ #9 Oklahoma State

Mark Richt IS Obi-Wan Kenobi IN Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. The East is down, but not out, you rebel scum. Though contractually obligated to take Georgia here, it’s not a bad bet. Even with a not-grievously-injured Zac Robinson and zippy Dez Bryant primed and ready, the Richt “We <3 U Lowered Expectations” party line is a party line for a reason. And while Okie State may not have to play the kind of frantic, tailspinny defense usually required of Big XII South squads, Georgia’s backfield woes have been unnecessarily exaggerated (even is Joe Cox is just wheezing back there and can barely lift his arm to hand off). Woe betide the rest of the SEC when they emerge from their summer cocoons, more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Nevada @ #23 Notre Dame

Jimmy Clausen IS Sonora Webster IN Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken. It’s a dirty thrill a minute when you join up with Jolly Charlie’s Travelin’ Circus, but be warned — one instant you’re a diving girl in a pretty dress savoring the roar of the crowd, the next minute you remember you signed on to jump a goddamn horse off a high platform into a barrel and people paid good money to see your slender ass go through with it. Nine billionteen points later, knowing these two quarterbacks, will J-Claw be the toast of South Bend or blinded in a freak accident and reduced to learning the ways of life — and love — at the strong, silent hands of Al Carver? (In the movie. It happens in the movie.) My money’s on the other baby ostrich signal-caller, EDSBS favorite Colin Kaepernick. (Programming note: Just for giggles, I’ll be picking against the Irish for the entirety of the season, even when I don’t think they deserve it, just to see how long it takes for this one Y! commenter of mine to plant a bomb in my car. I explain this here because y’all have a singular ability, unparalleled anywhere else on God’s green internet, to take a joke with good cheer, and because Harrison Smith and Golden Tate are still my boys no matter the jersey colors. Although, for rills, we really think they might get outgamed tomorrow.)

Baylor @ Wake Forest

Robert Griffin IS Tom Waits IN Coffee and Cigarettes. ZOMG ROBERT GRIFFIN IS ON OUR SCREEN THIS IS GOING TO BE SO FUCKING SWEET…and then five minutes later we have absolutely no clue what just happened, only that this is supposed to be awesome because everyone we know keeps telling us so. (Actually, as the only player on either team worthy of any affection we’d cast Griffin as RZA, GZA, and Bill Ghostbustin-Ass Murray in the only memorable sequence of the bunch.) Like, you know you’re supposed to watch this because this is material you’re supposed to care about, but around the 40-minute mark you start to get low on oxygen.

This is the college football equivalent of “Delirium”, and Wake might as well get their disappointing asses out of the way early.

Missouri vs. Illinois

Juice Williams IS Inspector Thompson IN Gosford Park. Bumbling but jovial, in charge but out of clues. The case won’t get solved but an amiable solution will be arrived at, thanks in no part to our dear Inspector. Williams absolutely baffles my other internet boss, whose usually steel-coated unflappability falls to pieces when trying to justify his utter conviction that Williams is a terrible quarterback with numbers that say otherwise. (Co-starring Arrelious Benn as the world-weary, put-upon copper who actually treads closest to cracking the murder mystery but whom everyone refuses to pay the slightest bit of meaningful attention.) We lost all interest in Mizzou with the departure of our favorite ready pizza joke franchise. I-L-L!

#20 BYU vs. #3 Oklahoma

The entire BYU two-deep IS Roger Thornhill IN North By Northwest. Oh-oh, mistaken identity! Someone’s got BYU mixed up with a squad that has a sliver of a snowball’s chance in hell of hanging with the Sooners. There’s a pretty wide class gap in the rankings when two ranked teams are separated by oddsmakers by a margin of over three scores. Can freshly-minted Indianapolis Colt Austin Collie be replaced? Will it even matter since Max Hall has no line to speak of thanks to injury and attrition? Can BYU afford any sort of slipup with fellow MWC upstarts Utah and TCU at their shapely heels? No, no, and nuh-hoooooo. This kind of pressure this early in the season may crack Big Game Bob Stoops, but not in Week 1.

#5 Alabama vs. #7 Virginia Tech

Tyrod Taylor IS Billy Batts IN Goodfellas. I am fondly reminded of my “because FUCK Clemson, that’s why” opening-week pick last year, which turned out to be accurate enough, but while the Hokies are overrated, they’re not that overrated, and just had the bad luck to schedule a buzzsaw on the opposite sideline for Week 1. Bama has only begun to flex its mob muscles and is hopping goddamn mad after their last appearance on a football field of any import. Virginia Tech will be shot, thrown into a trunk, stabbed, and re-shot just to make sure. Is McElroy any good? Does it matter, when it’s Julio Jones going to get the ball? CyberTyde hums in stern approval at your predetermined acquiescence, Hokie-types, and would point and nod if he had hands or a face. He’ll settle for yours.

Maryland @ #12 Cal

Chris Turner IS Carol Anne Freeling IN Poltergeist. Ignoring all manner of portentous signs that all is not what it seems, most notably last year’s bizarro match, the Turtle is the one what ought to be fearing this week. Jeff Tedford may finally be manifesting his true evil potential, largely by means of getting out of his own genius-y way, and his ire is not to be discounted in a grudge match. Also, at one point Jordan Steffy will be dragged into a bottomless pool of scummy mud-water by animated skeletons, all played by Ralph Friedgen, who is totes skinny now, did you hear huh huh?? MINI FRIDGE JOKES, HIGH FIVE!!

#8 Ole Miss @ Memphis

Dexter McCluster IS the Alien Queen IN Alien: Resurrection. The Rebels. They’ll breed. You’ll die. And with Houston Nutt at the helm it’s gonna be ugly as all get-out and hackneyed as hell. Jevan Snead is the comely Winona Ryder in this inexplicable cinematic juggernaut, and Houston Nutt is Ellen Ripley, who cannot die but who can make some rrreally gruesome mistakes. This won’t be one of them.

Colorado State @ Colorado

Darrell Scott IS Nicolas Cage IN Knowing. Will Scott spend more time in the endzone or on the training table this season? Can Dan Hawkins get to ten wins, ever? And what of the perpetual plight of being the coach’s kid and not that good at football? Who cares; (SPOILER!) the earth is about to be destroyed in fire at the end of the fourth reel, with Hawkins and a trusty stuffed rabbit its only survivors. (Buffs, then. We guess. Since we’re all gonna die anyway.)

Cincinnati @ Rutgers

Brian Kelly IS Elizabeth Bennett IN Pride & Prejudice. Or, more accurately, Keira Knightley, tabbed for stardom early on, with some out-of-nowhere indie and blockbuster successes and a sterling record, and a reputation as kind of an asshole that somehow just leaves us wanting more. (Getting crabby about having to shake Kragthorpe’s hand after beating him, on the road? TOP SCORE, Commodore.)

Miami (FL) @ #18 Florida State

Sean “The Cobra” Spence IS Corey Woods IN The Wizard. Yes, the whole thing is just a trumped-up commercial enterprise over untested or falling-apart structural work, and neither squad has stood the very late test of time, but we’ll be tuning in. Because we love The Wizard because it’s The Wizard, and we love Miami just for being them. Because Randy Shannon’s deep doe eyes make little unicorn-shaped crystals form on the walls of the black pit where our heart should be. Because fuck Florida State, that’s why.

19. Florida State.

Companion Country: Iraq.

Ah, we kid. Iraq was never big boss like Florida State was for two decades, winning two national titles, 12 conference titles, and showing that even the mightiest of football machines can sputter to a halt if the kicker decides to throw a spanner in the works. Parts of the Florida State campus are perpetually on fire, true, but let’s not diminish the significant accomplishments of Seminole football or the job Bobby Bowden did in building it from scratch. That’s Bowden’s job, and since 2001 he’s done a better job of that than anyone.

The more comparable quantity in fact and tone is Egypt: dependent now on erecting statues of its rulers, watching its grand plans for domination crumble, and muddling along as an influential but by no means hegemonic power in its region. (Look, kids, the pyramids; look, kids, the 1999 National Title trophy.) Both are ruled by a old men born in the late 1920s whose power peaked over a decade ago, and who pulled strings to put their sons in positions of power with unpleasant outcomes. In turn, both Mubarak and Bowden oversee disgruntled populaces not quite emboldened enough to call for their ouster, are rather short, and do not understand what you are saying, son. (They really are just a year apart in age.)

Egypt and Florida State have had their asses handed to them in battle by much smaller powers in recent history, and despite all the complaints about the management in all areas, little seems set to change until time and the limits of the human body push one leader or another out of power. Until then, there’s statues, the plum seat in the Arab League meetings, and the Music City Bowl to make the passing of less glorious present days slightly less painful than it might be.

Internal Stability: Good, until it’s not: regime change is moving at the pace of plate tectonics at Florida State, first with the departure of despised, ineffective offensive coordinator Jeff Bowden in 2006, and now with the rumored retirement of Mickey Andrews, the legendary defensive coordinator responsible for the long line of FSU defenses delivering more torn ACLs and concussions than a prize rodeo bull with an equilibrium problem.

While the city-state of Tallahassee waits for the Pharoah to entomb the living FSU football program along with him in his indefinite, Favre-ish march to retirement, the product on the field has suffered dramatically. FSU hasn’t made an ACC title game since 2005 (the first year of the “enhanced for your pleasure” ACC,) and has struggled to play consistent offensive football despite adding Jimbo Fisher and Rick Trickett to the staff and continuing its streak of outstanding recruiting classes yielding little to nothing in terms of NFL draft picks. Talent goes in the hole and doesn’t come out in Tallahassee, something that did NOT used to be the case.

Historical trends established, this year’s edition promises more inconsistency. Upswing: offensive line is now shaved down to Rick Trickett’s specs, and will be a strength of an offense returning eight starters, including Christian Ponder, who should have the job all to himself again in hope of experience turning him into less of a scramble-first, think-last qb, and a slightly more polished passer. The hope is not to turn him into a pocket passer, and Jimbo Fisher seems totally comfortable with having him run straight rushing plays in addition to rolling him out constantly (Jimbo likes him some rollouts, son.) The offense loses smashy back Antone Smith, but returns Jermaine Thomas in his place, a speedy, dodgy, dashing back who averaged 7.0 yards a carry last year. Like this, actually:

The defense brings less back, losing its top three tacklers from 2008 and its Rhodes Scholar, Myron Rolle YES THAT’S RIGHT MYRON ROLLE, RHODES SCHOLAR. Don’t ever say we won’t be charitable and get All Caps excited for Florida State every now and then, undying rivalry hatred aside. They’re deep in terms of prospective talent, sure, but this is a defense that got weaker against the run as the season went on last year, allowing over 100 yards rushing in five of their six games last year. Consistency was not their strong part, and expecting a more even performance from a defense breaking in new starters would go against common sense, math, and all those other things we abhor. So, sure. They’ll be better!

Surprising thing you did not know about this team: They play one of the more bizarre out of conference games in this year’s schedule outside of Colorado at Toledo: at BYU, in Provo, in week three. The Seminolds also travel to Wake, Clemson, UNC, and BC, and sandwich in a game with USF at home on the way to a season ending shot at Florida, a team that has beaten the ‘Noles five times in a row five times in a row five times in a row five times in a row five times in a row. Their schedule is nastier than you thought it was, and opens with the customary brawl with Miami on Monday night of Labor Day weekend. Cupcakes are limited to Jacksonville State, and then it’s lo-carb beefy from there on out, so yes: a mantastic schedule by any standards, and a season long fight with an angry Transformer named “Woodchippy.” (Dear Michael Bay: why couldnt’ you have had that robot? Love, the universe.)

The IMF says: Optimistic at 19, and prone to instability and high variance. FSU could start their first four games 4-0 or 1-3 without any real uncomfortable stretching of the imagination, especially with the freaky long trip to BYU built in there. The rest of the schedule is pure dogfight, with the final four–Clemson, Wake, Maryland, and Florida–looking like a likely 1-3 stretch based on recent history. Points for bravery are awarded all around, especially as our own dear team gears up for an out of conference stretch featuring FIU, Charleston Southern, and Bill Tavert’s School for the Nimble One-Legged Adolescent Child. The only real challenge out of conference challenge for Florida comes at home against…right, Florida State, who could be beat black and blue by the time they wander chin-first into a rivalry game they’ve been blown out in two years running. The IMF says downgrade to low 20s at best, and be prepared to send emergency aid if the schedule begins to cave in sideways on them and a disaster is declared.

THIS IS NINJA COMPLIANCE OFFICER. HE STRIKES AT ANY TIME. HIS SILENCE IS HIS WEAPON. HIS STEALTH IS HIS SHIELD. YOUR DEATH IS HIS FOOD. IF HE CANNOT GET FOOD, HE WILL TAKE YOUR REMAINING ELIGIBILITY AS AN APPETIZER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Balogun stopped Florida running back Chris Rainey for a 3-yard loss on a play early in the first half. As Fox commentators told the story about Balogun playing semi-professional football before his college career, it reminded Florida State officials of a similar case for them.

Ryan Balogun, senior Oklahoma linebacker, may lose his senior year due to his having played for the semi-pro NAFL, a penalty that struck Florida State in the case of Corey Surrency, who lost his eligibility thanks to a similar case.

So, while watching the game and listening to Brennaman and Charles Davis wholesale slaughter the concept of calling a football game with rusty machetes, the FSU compliance officials struck back and phoned in Oklahoma for the same deal. Florida State and Oklahoma play each other in a home and home next year. This is how you spell instant fun, and is further proof that the BCS on Fox (save for Vasgersian’s “beer truck” call) ruins everything.

From,
The Internet (all of it)

Florida State now just gets players arrested just to remind everyone of their former glory, that halcyon time when they ruled a flaccid ACC with an iron fist and had players toddling drunkenly through the clubs of Tallahassee with impunity thanks to the diplomatic immunity afforded them by their exemption under the “Warsaw Rules.”

In lesser days now, Florida claims the twin thrones of excellence in football and in frequency of arrest, and even the ‘Noles crimes seem less energetic and creative than they once were. Preston Parker couldn’t even be bothered to stay awake for the drive-thru, much less to walk in and make trouble. Sometimes a program makes its own metaphors, and signing over the deed to Wake Forest yearly certainly qualifies as the football corollary to falling asleep while waiting on your McFlurry.

Just to remind you they’re there, Florida State football player Maurice Harris was arrested for grand theft, property crime (possession of a vehicle with altered numbers) and a traffic violation for attaching a registration and license plate not assigned to the vehicle to his car. Tomahawk Nation says getting rid of Harris would be just fine by them, though they’re particularly irked by Harris’ arrest highlighting Chuck Amato’s overblown reputation as a South Florida recruiter. Harris is Amato’s sole South Florida get in three years with the 21st century Seminoles, and has been a non-contributor thus far for the FSU defense.

That’s five points for FSU in the Fulmer Cup, which we swear will be updated in full as soon as our boardmaster gets back from his tour of the sawdust mines of lower Alabama and the Georgia Piedmont.

Joe Paterno: Hey, Bobby. How ya feelin’, buddy?

Bowden: Spry! Just chopped some wood, actually. On my way to do some brisk calisthenics and then expand my chest for a while. How’s your leg? Hurting right now? Like the wobbly inflamed knee of a horse just seconds from the glue factory, eh?

Joe Paterno: Nah, but thanks for asking. That’s very kind. It’s feeling good enough to walk around with no problem, actually. Gonna go for a walk to the stadium in a bit, maybe drop in on my son. Who’s still coaching with me. And not fired and sucking at the drained, sagging bosom of my university.

Bowden: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you, Joe. I’m busy thumbing through these blue-chip propects to call. They’re all so fast, you just wouldn’t believe it, really. And they all want to come here. It’s warm down here, you know. That’s got to be hard on your joints, ain’t it Joe? They have to hurt you soooo in the mow-nin’, right?

Paterno: Nah, but I appreciate the concern, Bobby. Hey, look at me, I’m just talkin’ all over the place here. Just wanted to let you know that I’m real sorry to hear about the NCAA shooting down your appeal to vacate the wins. I hope this doesn’t affect our friendship, as would sit fifteen games behind me on the all-time wins list, and that’s with your wins from Samson College throw in there. (giggles)

Bowden: THAT’S SAM-FAHD, you dago sonofabitch! It’s one of the finest academic institutions in Buh-mingham, Alabama!

Paterno: I’m sure they gotta lot of ‘em. I’ll tell ‘em that when I go to my next Brown alumni meeting. Anyway, I gotta get crackin’ here. There’s stuff I gotta do, like take my vitamins, go for a walk, and enjoy the view from 15 wins ahead of you.

Bowden: I hope you trip on your momma’s dick, cripple. WE WILL RISE AGAIN!!!

Paterno: It sounded better when you said it at Gettysburg. You have a nice day, Bobby. Have 15 of them in a row, on me.

Bowden: Why I nevah!– [/click!]

According to David Whitley, you’re lucky you get any Florida State coverage at all:

It used to be the same in Tallahassee. Now when Bobby Bowden walks off the practice field, he is usually greeted by the Sentinel’s Andrew Carter, someone from the Tallahassee Democrat and maybe a couple of students working part-time for state papers.

Whitley then goes on to bemoan how this is a result of Florida moving the needle more than the Seminoles at the moment, and how this will lead to the end of democracy as we know it, dogs driving limousines over fields of innocent babies, and the sun turning purple and winking at all of us shortly before exploding and obliterating the entire universe.

It is surely it is all exactly this serious without exaggeration, but if you would like Florida State coverage, we have the perfect solution. Just go to Rivals.com or Scout, who are more than happy to share the evolving depth chart, complimentary team news, and bits of interesting but non-threatening team gossip, and then throw in random quotes from a Foghorn Leghorn cartoon. See, it works:

FSU’s quarterbacks performed well in the scrimmage, something coach Bobby Bowden said was a result of all the hard work the Seminoles had put in over the course of the spring.

Florida State’s spring game is on Saturday.

See? You’re missing nothing. It reads like every other article on Florida State football you’ve ever read. As for the accusation that Florida State fans won’t ever read anything honestly critical about their program, two points. One: fans typically don’t believe anything negative written about their program anyway. Two: anyone who thinks fans themselves aren’t critical of their teams and more than willing to traffic in rumor despite the best efforts of administration and media to quell those rumors missed the entire Houston Nutt debacle.

Florida State will appeal the NCAA ruling in an academic fraud case including the vacating of 14 wins, but should the University lose the appeal Bowden will likely try a new tack. Rather than refuse to honor the NCAA, Florida State will instead lobby for the inclusion of several victories he participated in as a major in the Confederate Army during the Civil War.

Bowden, seen here with Joe Paterno in happier times (i.e., the 1930s)

“Bowden wants that record badly enough to go that far,” said one administration source close to the situation who spoke to the AP anonymously. According to the source, Bowden is compiling documentation to back up claims of a share in at least 22 Confederate military victories, including the engagements of Bull Run (referred to as Manassas in FSU documents,) Fredericksburg, and Fort Sumter.

Under the current ruling, Bowden will lose up to 14 games after Florida State athletes were found to have received unfair academic assistance in a music appreciation class. Bowden plans to offset this by claiming to have overseen key units in battle, an exercise the argument will creatively analogize to coaching a football team.

Experts are skeptical. When reached for comment, Civil War historian and Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust said: “No.” When pressed for clarification, she repeated: “No.” While historians may be suspicious, NCAA watchers believe the argument could pass for any number of reasons.

“They may approve it in a clerical error, accidentally set fire to the paperwork, or just simply forget about it and stare at a particularly arresting game of Minesweeper for three or four years,” said David Johnson, a longtime NCAA-watcher and public policy professor at the University of North Carolina. “There’s really no telling how they could screw it up, but the one certainty is that they will, and that Bowden will likely get the wins.”

Granting all 22 victories to Bowden would give the coach a nearly insurmountable seven game margin over Penn State coach Joe Paterno. Paterno had no comment on Wednesday, but sources did say if the Florida State petition is granted Paterno could counter by seeking to include victories from not only the Civil War, but also his contributions to the Mexican-American War, the Crimean War, Lord Kitchener’s Sudanese Expedition, the Punic Wars, and his pivotal role in ending the Thirty Years’ War.

A source close to Paterno said “Bowden can bring it on. If he wants to go down that rabbit hole, we will. Joe was at the battle of Marathon, and has the missing eye and scars to prove it. Bowden will lose this game with Joe every time.”

Only the fact that this is Florida State in potential NCAA trouble keeps us away from the ledge. The case in question involves 39 athletes who cheated in a music class, an event characterized as the class being “compromised.” This term is far too badass to be used in an academic fraud investigation, NCAA rulesters: it belongs to the CIA, and applies to things that have to go in hiding in Dubai for three years to avoid Chinese assassins, not dipshit music classes jocks took to get easy As in at football schools. Unless Bobby Bowden’s telling someone calling from a satphone in Central Asia that he doesn’t know him, and that he’s “burned,” we protest the usage.

Anyway, the judgment against the Seminoles in the case comes down today. FSU responded by suspending a slew of players for the Music City Bowl, cooperated extensively with the NCAA, and generally behaved in a very proactive manner during the entire case. We hope for nothing but the best outcome in the case. One picture sums up our feelings on the matter.

Hope it goes well, boys! The skipping cannonballs of cruel fate: great for the teeth, better for the longevity of your football program. We hate Florida State. Oh, do we hate Florida State. The press conference will take place at 3 p.m. If Atlanta explodes, it’s just us atomizing into a solid warm front of harm-joy.

…hang in there?

Mark Richt is a dirty damned liar. Or the NCAA is full of terrible small men who make terrible small rules. (Our tipster suggests Kiffykins show up at graduation in Richt’s place. We could not agree with this plan more.)

A dodge worthy of that Wire headline. Is Nick Saban the next SEC coach ducking recruiting regulations? Eh. Maybe? We tire of these OOOOOH YOU IN TROUBLE NOW SON stories, and will default to Joel’s position:

Yeah, so did Nick Saban violate the “bump” rule when he obtained a commitment from Memphis wide receiver Keiwone Malone? It’s Saban. It’s Alabama. We’re Tennessee. So . . . OF COURSE HE DID!

There. We have a shortcut around this argument for the rest of the season. Onward.

Threet Matrix, we hardly knew ye. Steven “Embattled” Threet is making fast tracks out of Ann Arbor, surprising almost no one who saw him try and fit into RichRod’s schemes in ‘08. We will leave the analysis to Brian Cook, however, and instead devote our afternoon to mourning the demise of our trusty stash of “Threet Level Midnight” jokes.

Because Hell does the damndest things to your merocrine glands, is his point. Former UW O-Line coach Dan Cozzetto, now of Arizona state, will return to Washington next season with the avowed mission of “toughing up the running game”.

Cozzetto did not return calls made to his office late Thursday. His voice mail greeting ends with the line: “Remember, Devils don’t sweat.”

That’s absolutely correct, sir. They glow. And if he can harangue linemen in Tempe out of sweating, notching a single win with the Huskies ought to be no problem at all.

Items We Require, Vol. XVII: We’re declaring the pool officially open: Which team will get photographic evidence of one of these suckers in action first? Easy odds say Miami, Fresno State, and so on, but smart money’s on Virginia, by virtue of there being nothing better to do. ]]> http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/02/17/curious-index-2172009/feed/ 12 http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/01/28/but-he-has-people-skills/ http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/01/28/but-he-has-people-skills/#comments Wed, 28 Jan 2009 16:37:10 +0000 Orson Swindle http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=8737 Q: So, what is it you do here?

A: I…I talk to the coaches, and make sure they get along with the recruits. I talk to the boosters. I ride in a cart and sometimes I put on a headset.

Q: Yes, but…what skills do you have?

A: I’m good at dealing with–

Q: Listen, Bobby. I’ll ask one more time. What would ya say ya do here?

A: Well-well, I deal with the goddamned boosters so the coaches don’t have to! I talk! To people! I have people skills! What is wrong with you people!

Q: What do you say we just go year-to-year with this from now on, okay?

A: (Sighs) That…that sounds fine to me, I guess.