Mickey Andrews will be retiring from his position as Florida State’s defensive coordinator at season’s end, ending an illustrious career spanning five decades and including two national championship defenses for the Seminoles.

An emotional Andrews made the announcement at the Orthopedic and Sports Surgery Convention of North Florida and Southern Alabama, where the longtime defensive stalwart and coaching icon was scheduled to receive a lifetime achievement award in Knee Surgery generation. Andrews was known not only for his hard hitting defenses, but for his defenses’ ability to move the field of reconstructive surgery forward with new and ever-evolving variations of knee damage.

“I can’t tell you how many different knees we had roll through here, but I could always tell which one’s had Mickey’s name all over it,” said reconstructive surgery legend Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham. “They didn’t just tear. By the time they got to me, it looked the way a truck tire had blown up in there, treads flapping and flying all over the place. I owe him a lake house or two, that’s for sure.”

Andrews’ can claim a long list of NFL draftees developed under his supervision, including NFL legends Deion Sanders and Derek Brooks. (more…)

Excerpted from TK Wetherell’s statement regarding the coaching situation at FSU, discussed briefly here, and illustrated below.

Two years ago Coach Bowden and I and others stood together and announced that we were beginning a period of transition for the football program.

That plan is in place and will produce results, given the opportunity and support.

…I want to assure all fans, friends, supporters and alumni of Florida State University that that transition will be finalized. Jimbo Fisher will be Florida State University’s next Head Football Coach. (more…)

The EDSBS team has several updates. First: Chris Rix sucks forever, but since his tenure overlapped with NAME REDACTED’s reign of error over Florida football, we cannot offer many substantive highlights of him sucking against Florida. It’s the little things like this that make Missouri dropping a safe on our former life curse/coach on Saturday so pleasing. Blaine Gabbert, doing the lord’s work one embarrassingly easy pass at a time. Tebow thanks you, son.

In lieu of this, please accept the Seventh Floor’s touching tribute to Rix, starring the Miami defense, failure, and a disturbing man-baby with deep compassion and a cherubic face.

Second, the Alphabetical returns for installment one of the 2009 season tomorrow morning. That should blow a good morning’s dawdling, so you can thank us in advance for blowing an eighth of your four day work week. You’re welcome.

Navy @ #6 Ohio State

Terrelle Pryor IS Belle IN La Belle et la Bête. Not the Disney cartoon Beauty & the Beast, but the 1946 Cocteau version where everything is sepia-toned and miserable. (The rest of Columbus is the beast, whom la princesse charms with his gentle, caring ways and methed-up deer speed.) The Buckeyes are a three-touchdown favorite, but Navy has been popping up here and there as a trendy upset pick. This year, that’s a mistake. Niumatalolo is as wizardly as he is unpronounceable, but OSU actually looks to be fielding something on the order of a solid (no, really, for real this time) squad and Tressy has a sterling opening record. (If this were the Disney version, though, he’s so totally that matronly teapot.)

#13 Georgia @ #9 Oklahoma State

Mark Richt IS Obi-Wan Kenobi IN Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. The East is down, but not out, you rebel scum. Though contractually obligated to take Georgia here, it’s not a bad bet. Even with a not-grievously-injured Zac Robinson and zippy Dez Bryant primed and ready, the Richt “We <3 U Lowered Expectations” party line is a party line for a reason. And while Okie State may not have to play the kind of frantic, tailspinny defense usually required of Big XII South squads, Georgia’s backfield woes have been unnecessarily exaggerated (even is Joe Cox is just wheezing back there and can barely lift his arm to hand off). Woe betide the rest of the SEC when they emerge from their summer cocoons, more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Nevada @ #23 Notre Dame

Jimmy Clausen IS Sonora Webster IN Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken. It’s a dirty thrill a minute when you join up with Jolly Charlie’s Travelin’ Circus, but be warned — one instant you’re a diving girl in a pretty dress savoring the roar of the crowd, the next minute you remember you signed on to jump a goddamn horse off a high platform into a barrel and people paid good money to see your slender ass go through with it. Nine billionteen points later, knowing these two quarterbacks, will J-Claw be the toast of South Bend or blinded in a freak accident and reduced to learning the ways of life — and love — at the strong, silent hands of Al Carver? (In the movie. It happens in the movie.) My money’s on the other baby ostrich signal-caller, EDSBS favorite Colin Kaepernick. (Programming note: Just for giggles, I’ll be picking against the Irish for the entirety of the season, even when I don’t think they deserve it, just to see how long it takes for this one Y! commenter of mine to plant a bomb in my car. I explain this here because y’all have a singular ability, unparalleled anywhere else on God’s green internet, to take a joke with good cheer, and because Harrison Smith and Golden Tate are still my boys no matter the jersey colors. Although, for rills, we really think they might get outgamed tomorrow.)

(more…)

We rate the top 25 estimates by national security. Nerd up, geek out, and follow along for number 20, North Carolina.

19. Florida State.

Companion Country: Iraq.

Ah, we kid. Iraq was never big boss like Florida State was for two decades, winning two national titles, 12 conference titles, and showing that even the mightiest of football machines can sputter to a halt if the kicker decides to throw a spanner in the works. Parts of the Florida State campus are perpetually on fire, true, but let’s not diminish the significant accomplishments of Seminole football or the job Bobby Bowden did in building it from scratch. That’s Bowden’s job, and since 2001 he’s done a better job of that than anyone.

The more comparable quantity in fact and tone is Egypt: dependent now on erecting statues of its rulers, watching its grand plans for domination crumble, and muddling along as an influential but by no means hegemonic power in its region. (Look, kids, the pyramids; look, kids, the 1999 National Title trophy.) (more…)

THIS IS NINJA COMPLIANCE OFFICER. HE STRIKES AT ANY TIME. HIS SILENCE IS HIS WEAPON. HIS STEALTH IS HIS SHIELD. YOUR DEATH IS HIS FOOD. IF HE CANNOT GET FOOD, HE WILL TAKE YOUR REMAINING ELIGIBILITY AS AN APPETIZER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Balogun stopped Florida running back Chris Rainey for a 3-yard loss on a play early in the first half. As Fox commentators told the story about Balogun playing semi-professional football before his college career, it reminded Florida State officials of a similar case for them.

Ryan Balogun, senior Oklahoma linebacker, may lose his senior year due to his having played for the semi-pro NAFL, a penalty that struck Florida State in the case of Corey Surrency, who lost his eligibility thanks to a similar case.

So, while watching the game and listening to Brennaman and Charles Davis wholesale slaughter the concept of calling a football game with rusty machetes, the FSU compliance officials struck back and phoned in Oklahoma for the same deal. Florida State and Oklahoma play each other in a home and home next year. This is how you spell instant fun, and is further proof that the BCS on Fox (save for Vasgersian’s “beer truck” call) ruins everything.

From,
The Internet (all of it)

Florida State now just gets players arrested just to remind everyone of their former glory, that halcyon time when they ruled a flaccid ACC with an iron fist and had players toddling drunkenly through the clubs of Tallahassee with impunity thanks to the diplomatic immunity afforded them by their exemption under the “Warsaw Rules.”

In lesser days now, Florida claims the twin thrones of excellence in football and in frequency of arrest, and even the ‘Noles crimes seem less energetic and creative than they once were. Preston Parker couldn’t even be bothered to stay awake for the drive-thru, much less to walk in and make trouble. Sometimes a program makes its own metaphors, and signing over the deed to Wake Forest yearly certainly qualifies as the football corollary to falling asleep while waiting on your McFlurry.

Just to remind you they’re there, Florida State football player Maurice Harris was arrested for grand theft, property crime (possession of a vehicle with altered numbers) and a traffic violation for attaching a registration and license plate not assigned to the vehicle to his car. Tomahawk Nation says getting rid of Harris would be just fine by them, though they’re particularly irked by Harris’ arrest highlighting Chuck Amato’s overblown reputation as a South Florida recruiter. Harris is Amato’s sole South Florida get in three years with the 21st century Seminoles, and has been a non-contributor thus far for the FSU defense.

That’s five points for FSU in the Fulmer Cup, which we swear will be updated in full as soon as our boardmaster gets back from his tour of the sawdust mines of lower Alabama and the Georgia Piedmont.

Bobby Bowden: (has servant hold up rotary dial phone to ear:) Ah say they-yah, hello?

Joe Paterno: Hey, Bobby. How ya feelin’, buddy?

Bowden: Spry! Just chopped some wood, actually. On my way to do some brisk calisthenics and then expand my chest for a while. How’s your leg? Hurting right now? Like the wobbly inflamed knee of a horse just seconds from the glue factory, eh?

Joe Paterno: Nah, but thanks for asking. That’s very kind. It’s feeling good enough to walk around with no problem, actually. Gonna go for a walk to the stadium in a bit, maybe drop in on my son. Who’s still coaching with me. And not fired and sucking at the drained, sagging bosom of my university.

Bowden: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you, Joe. I’m busy thumbing through these blue-chip propects to call. They’re all so fast, you just wouldn’t believe it, really. And they all want to come here. It’s warm down here, you know. That’s got to be hard on your joints, ain’t it Joe? They have to hurt you soooo in the mow-nin’, right?

Paterno: Nah, but I appreciate the concern, Bobby. Hey, look at me, I’m just talkin’ all over the place here. Just wanted to let you know that I’m real sorry to hear about the NCAA shooting down your appeal to vacate the wins. I hope this doesn’t affect our friendship, as would sit fifteen games behind me on the all-time wins list, and that’s with your wins from Samson College throw in there. (giggles)

Bowden: THAT’S SAM-FAHD, you dago sonofabitch! It’s one of the finest academic institutions in Buh-mingham, Alabama!

Paterno: I’m sure they gotta lot of ‘em. I’ll tell ‘em that when I go to my next Brown alumni meeting. Anyway, I gotta get crackin’ here. There’s stuff I gotta do, like take my vitamins, go for a walk, and enjoy the view from 15 wins ahead of you.

Bowden: I hope you trip on your momma’s dick, cripple. WE WILL RISE AGAIN!!!

Paterno: It sounded better when you said it at Gettysburg. You have a nice day, Bobby. Have 15 of them in a row, on me.

Bowden: Why I nevah!– [/click!]

According to David Whitley, you’re lucky you get any Florida State coverage at all:

It used to be the same in Tallahassee. Now when Bobby Bowden walks off the practice field, he is usually greeted by the Sentinel’s Andrew Carter, someone from the Tallahassee Democrat and maybe a couple of students working part-time for state papers.

Whitley then goes on to bemoan how this is a result of Florida moving the needle more than the Seminoles at the moment, and how this will lead to the end of democracy as we know it, dogs driving limousines over fields of innocent babies, and the sun turning purple and winking at all of us shortly before exploding and obliterating the entire universe.

It is surely it is all exactly this serious without exaggeration, but if you would like Florida State coverage, we have the perfect solution. Just go to Rivals.com or Scout, who are more than happy to share the evolving depth chart, complimentary team news, and bits of interesting but non-threatening team gossip, and then throw in random quotes from a Foghorn Leghorn cartoon. See, it works:

FSU’s quarterbacks performed well in the scrimmage, something coach Bobby Bowden said was a result of all the hard work the Seminoles had put in over the course of the spring.

Florida State’s spring game is on Saturday.

See? You’re missing nothing. It reads like every other article on Florida State football you’ve ever read. As for the accusation that Florida State fans won’t ever read anything honestly critical about their program, two points. One: fans typically don’t believe anything negative written about their program anyway. Two: anyone who thinks fans themselves aren’t critical of their teams and more than willing to traffic in rumor despite the best efforts of administration and media to quell those rumors missed the entire Houston Nutt debacle.