Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just watching football practice. You’re Chris Rainey, aren’t you? Hi, I’m Christina Hendricks. You might know me from my work on Mad Men. Not familiar? Well, I’ll show you this clip from the show. I think you’ll find it representative of many of my strengths.

You say you haven’t seen the show, but you will now? Well, I’d be happy to show you some private scenes, since I just loooooove talented young athletes such as yourself. I only have one thing. You have to weigh over 180 pounds, stud, or you’re not going to so much as canter on this pasture.

And I’ve heard you don’t like to eat?

“He doesn’t like food,” Marotti said. “It’s hard to gain weight when you don’t like food. He’s eating because he has to. He doesn’t eat because he likes food. He’s just starting to drink the (nutritional) shakes (that contain 365 calories). He didn’t like the shakes. How are you going to gain weight if you don’t take in calories? I always tell him, ‘I watch football every Sunday and I don’t see anyone who looks like you playing at the next level. If that’s your goal, maybe you’ve got to change.’ “

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You come back to mama when you’re full-sized. I like a man with some meat on his bones, and right now this Lean Cuisine things isn’t the kind of meal I’m looking for, okay? Until then, it’s just Youtube and Jergens for you, Twiggy-potamus.

This post was written by Christina Hendricks and she really will sleep with you, Chris Rainey. This is not fiction and you should treat it as a promise EAT YOU TINY GENIUS EAT!!!

Texas A&M @ #2 Texas

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Sorry to make an afterthought of you, Agros, but the question here isn’t a Texas win or loss, but a Texas win blowout-y enough to maintain its eensy BCS lead over Oklahoma or not.  Still worried about the ‘Horns run game?  They can leave it at home, thanks to A&M’s very gracious (91st-ranked) pass defense.  Light ‘em up, Battle Cattle.

Grateful for: My veryown Daddy, for teaching me to recognize a 4-3 defense and how to grip a football before I had the training wheels off my first bike.

ORSON, DOING MACK BROWN TWO-STEP. If there is a crack, Mack Brown will be up between the sticky buttocks with a fierceness that will shock and astonish those who have never seen the politician in full attack mode. As much as we’d like Texas A&M to extend the dominion of Barlorath, the 5-headed visigoth spirit who rules the last three weeks of the season with a bloody sceptre and orders barked through a platinum megaphone, and disturb the Longhorns’ claim to a national title slot, the Longhorns are in resume mode. Snap to, Slothrop: them bombs is comin’ down hard and fast all day. The Aggies electoral map shows massive landslide for Senator Brown.

Grateful for: My dog, who holds down the couch with authority.

(more…)

Tennessee Football Offices. 11:30 a.m., November 4th, 2008.

Fulmer: Well, that does it. I’m off Atkins for the next month.

He takes a donut from green and white box. A solitary tear runs down his cheek.

PF: I just…what am I gonna do with the rest of my life?

[A GREAT RUMBLING OF BASS AND MUCH SHAKING]… (more…)

“You have to earn your way, every day, or you don’t play,” Mangino said. “I didn’t mean for it to rhyme but it came out that way.”–Kansas coach Mark Mangino in the University Daily Kansan.

You have to earn your way
Every single day
You have to earn your way
Or homie you don’t play

Big Mac with the mack suit
Stunnin’ in the track suit (more…)

This is exactly what Pete Carroll is saying here as he takes the wheel of an aircraft carrier:

Yes, of course! Hence the name: movement. It moves a certain distance, then it stops, you see? A revolution gets its name by always coming back around in your face. You tried to kill me you son of a bitch… so welcome to the revolution.

(Cue “Voodoo Child” as the carrier steams off into the darkness.)

See the film of Pete Carroll visiting the USS Stennis here.