This week’s big board only appears unchanged: Washington State makes a spectacular score in some post-incident charge juggling, a correction noted in the regular notes, corrections, and etcetera below. The board is provided, as always, by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

Washington State’s Andy Roof may have put Wazzou on the board for good thanks to his ability not just to punch people at parties, but also to break their bones while doing it. The Cougars already sat at a good, solid five points thanks to some contact lens sabotage and beery legerdemain.

Andy Roof’s original head-butting offense was given one point for piddly charges, but that may have changed in a drastic manner:

But the police investigation is pointing to alleged crimes more serious than misdemeanor fourth-degree assault. An assault that results in broken bones usually merits a felony second-degree charge, Tennant said.

“Our investigation is criminal in the fact, ‘Did Andy Roof hit this person and how much damage did he cause this person?’ ” Tennant said.

Broken bones in a fight mean likely and various felony charges for Roof. Conservatively, let’s go ahead and estimate two felony charges of assault at the minimum put Roof’s incident at a six-pointer, meaning WSU climbs to a count of eleven–and that’s if we don’t “reward” Roof with a bonus point for not only punching someone completely unprovoked, but also for smashing someone’s face into a stop sign.

Other than that: relative quiet. Two former Mississippi State players will be charged in a shooting incident, meaning we may have to award some retroactive points for the crime. (Croom did boot them, but they were players at the time, and therefore the charges and awarded points stand. Exeunt the EDSBS legal staff…) This quote mystifies us:

“I did make a terrible decision,” said Wesley. “I didn’t use the brain God gave me. I used what the devil gave me.”

A golden fiddle? A stunning goatee? The gift of knowledge? Or like the only great scene in Bedazzled, a life as a Colombian drug dealer complete with assassins in pursuit and a hot mistress? For the record, we never saw what was bad about that whole setup.

(Thanks as always to the SAS Wiki Fulmer Cup board for keeping us straight on scoring. We need all the help we can get.)

The headbutt is the way to eternal fight glory, the most underrated of fight moves: practically uncounterable, savage, and done with a healthy disregard for the thinking gland and its fine, rock-hard casing. Think of its savage effectiveness in the Road Warrior series, its succinct work in Road House, or its ubiquity in the Orc playbook through the Lord of the Rings movies.

It will not get you into a house party, though, if the person at the door does not want you to, something learned by head-butting, braincase-jarring Washington State defensive tackle Alan Roof the (skull) hard way on Saturday in Pullman.

Police say Roof, 22, allegedly head-butted a man who was keeping him out of a private party Saturday on Pullman’s College Hill.

It looked nothing like any of the scenes below.

That’s one point for Washington State for fourth-degree misdemeanor assault in the Fulmer Cup. The guy who headbutted the hell out of Indiana Jones in the runway fight scene laughs at his puny efforts.

Connecticut is extremely precise with their degrees of badness in the criminal code. Blame that on having daffy Yale law so close by–how else does one get “sixth-degree larceny,” a crime that seems just a hair off from “accepting a gift in an awkward fashion?” Whatever the hell “sixth-degree larceny” is, Connecticut cornerback Joshua Massey caught a case of it for taking exactly $31.34 worth of goods from the UConn co-op. We’re betting it was blades for his nine-bladed razor, the Gillette Agent Orange (”Deforesting Your Face Nine Lethal Goddamn Blades at a Time.”)

The Gillette Agent Orange: It’s Like Deforestation For Your Face.

One point for UConn, whose measly total doesn’t bring them close to the big board.

Perpetually fun Iowa tacks on a point for underage possession, and we don’t mean the Roger Clemens type of underage possession. Defensive tackle Cody Hundertmark broke through the guard of local criminal code and got his hands on some booze, but was charged with holding and fined with fifteen yards and an underage charge. One point for Iowa, though the good news is that they did not lose a player in the incident.

And finally…100 parking tickets for Sam Baker during his time at USC. As someone who parked their car everywhere on the Florida campus, up to and including a primo spot in the aisle of the Latin American History section of Library West, and kept himself warm on cold winter nights by burning piles of parking tickets, we only have this word: hero.

Brian brings us this week’s Cupdate, featuring an impressive defense and extension of Missouri’s lead thanks to a weed arrest for the Tigers, who have brought the fiya this Fulmer Cup season. Explanations, bad math, and failed rhetorical backflips follow.

Not pictured on the board but making their debut: Boston College. BC doesn’t make it onto the board, but with the arrest of defensive end Brady Smith for on-campus sexual assault (is that somehow worse than off-campus sexual assault?) and breaking and entering, the Eagles earn six points for the double felony charges. Even in their shame, Boston College fans would lie to point out that the six point score is more than the Notre Dame Irish scored against Georgia Tech last year in their opener.

Like Lance Armstrong in an EPO fit raging up the Alpe d’Huez, Missouri continues to pull away from the peloton with expert timing. Austin Wuebbels less than composed traffic stop fumbling earned the Tigers another 4 points this week, proving that when the competition gets close, the Tigers go to the no-huddle and being piling on points daring you to keep up.

Still missing: Florida? Miami? AND FSU? The Sunshine State’s gone soft friends. Blame the kind and benevolent governance of our fabulous governor Charlie Crist, who’s got the economy flaming despite the entire state taking it in the ass in the real estate market. They’re all simply too happy and well-governed to get tasered! (Crossing fingers, looking at the Florida team and hoping everyone’s got their gun locks in the fixed position on their assault rifles.)

Missouri lineman Austin Wuebbels deserves some credit, at least. Though caught with marijuana, a pipe, and beer in the car at 3 in the morning this Sunday, how did our man do on the sobriety test administered to him at the jail after his arrest?

After he was taken to the police station, Wuebbels successfully passed a sobriety test.

Give it up! He failed the possession exam, but THAT’S AN A IN SOBRIETY, PEOPLE!

Wuebbels was about to get off with merely a warning when police noticed him grabbing at something under the dash, a classic example of not living the smooth, baby. Police then found the weed, the pipe, and the booze in the car, presumably factors in why anyone would end up awake and speeding around a smallish town in Missouri at three in the morning. Wuebbels ended up charged with suspicion of possession of less than 35 grams of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of alcohol by a minor and false identification, all misdemeanors.

Even with the misdemeanor tag, that’s four points for the Missouri Tigers, who with three point-heavy arrests have tallied 20 points before the end of the spring semester in taking the lead in the Fulmer Cup. And for that, they deserve shame-claps a-plenty from the audience.

The fun at Pitt we alluded to yesterday begins to emerge piece-by-piece. In fact, the facts are so sketchy at this point that the fact-ish types at The Pitt News can’t even confirm that Sherod Murdock, a redshirt freshman safety suspended from the football team indefinitely yesterday, was the player involved in the “incident.” Fortunately, we are strictly about “truthiness,” and one of our crack sources reports that the incident went something like this:

Murdock gets into a hellacious fight at the Delta Tau Delta frat house: him, some of the o-line versus frat guys. This goes as well as could be expected. We like to imagine it looked a lot like this, except with Mario wearing shower sandals and carrying a Coors Light in hand. (Pitt? Okay, an Imp ‘n Arn.)

Die, motherfucker, die!

So, primitive strength display concluded and Smash Brothers brawl concluded (frat boys kicked into bottomless pits everywhere yay!,) Murdock returns to dorms with gallons of surplus testosterone surging through his system, and decides that all should hear of his exploits, his intention to kill anyone who crosses his path, and demonstrate it in a clear fashion that everyone here could easily understand. From our source:

Murdock (Yoshi—ed.) was running through the halls wearing only his boxers wielding a three-foot machete screaming “I’ll kill all you motherfuckers”. He had blood all over his face and hands from the earlier fight at the Delta Tau Delta fraternity house. The Wannstache was woken up from his home and brought to the scene to talk the player down before they had to send in SWAT, which they did.

That is a pissed off shirtless turtle/dinosaur there. Maybe Pitt stands a chance in the Big East this year after all, if Murdoch’s this fired up after a simple frat fight. (And really, how much more opposition will Syracuse offer than Delta Tau Delta?) And even if the three-foot machete turns out to be a merely normal knife as it did in the case of Penn State’s Chris Bell, the question remains: just how distorted a picture of their own security do athletes have? You’re already one and a half times the size of most people around you and easily twice as strong in most cases. You live on heavily patrolled campuses, and usually travel in groups.

Do you somehow still feel threatened, campus athlete? If so, we have a bazooka with a bayonet and taser attachment we’d be happy to help you. It’s the balls.

Points to be awarded as soon charges of any sort are pressed. We would like you to know that we’re typing this covered in blood and wearing boxers, but only because we’re in the mood for love, not because we want to kill all you motherfuckers.

Been to Kentucky? We have. The barbecue is underrated, the weather eats our ass, and combine Tennessee provincialism with Ohio squalor and your math for the place is complete. In other words, it’s so bad you’d rob a cop just to get a thrill.

This is actually from the Redneck Games in Georgia, and has no relation to this story. Carry on.

This is a worse idea than you might realize:

Murray State quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt was charged with pushing a campus police officer and taking his ticket book. The athletic director called this “a prank gone bad.”

Ehrhardt, a 20-year-old sophomore, was arrested Wednesday and charged with second-degree robbery. He surrendered to the campus public safety office and returned the ticket book after a witness identified him.

Your moment in insane judicial overkill is sponsored by: Kentucky, the Bluegrass State. Second-degree robbery for robbing a cop? What is this, Soviet Russia! We now instantly award ourselves points for doubling up on a conservative blogger’s version of Godwin’s Law (first to mention Soviet Russia in comparision wins!) and for opening up the logical “In Kentucky, you rob cop. IN SOVIET RUSSIA, COP ROBS YOU!”)

No Fulmer Cup points awarded due to Murray State not being a division one team. But it’s cute and sad nonetheless.

Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson, brings us the Big Board again this week. Notes, invitations to join us for most glorious bearish Russian kettlebell workouts, and refusals to correct follow below.

Notes, corrections, clarifications and obfuscations:

PENDING: MASSIVE POINTS FOR PITT. It allegedly involves a SWAT team, meaning the vaunted Wannstache recruiting charm extends not only to talented humans, but to whatever rough beast requires a SWAT team to remove him from a dorm.

Colorado bumps up another three points and places themselves in the thick of this trailer-park brawl with the arrest of Jake Duren, linebacker, for breaking into a car on campus this past weekend. Duren had just had an outstanding spring scrimmage, so in order to celebrate, he did the logical thing:

Duren, according to CU Police Cmdr. Brad Wiesley, was found bloody and smelling of alcohol in a hallway of a family housing complex near the campus. Duren, his hand bloodied, apparently had broken into a vehicle in the complex parking lot, Wiesley said.

Duren does not live in the complex, and Wiesley said Sunday night that campus police do not know why he was there.

“Found bloody and smelling of alcohol:” The subtitle for our autobiography, ranking right up there with “And now I am filled with shame” for the winner’s spot in that contest. Duren was immediately booted from the team by Dan Hawkins, who surely noted the youngster’s shorting on discipline and love early in life whilst tossing his locker contents into a cardboard box.

Extra bonus SMRT: how did the police link him to the scene of the crime? Duren left a trail of blood behind him.

As spectacular as accosting your teammate with a knife is, the charges remain surprisingly paltry:

Bell, 21, was arraigned before District Judge Daniel Hoffman on numerous charges, including terroristic threats, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person, disorderly conduct and harassment. He was jailed, with bail set at $50,000.

All of the charges are misdemeanors, leaving us with five points on five charges. Even with one bonus point for the spectacularly stupid nature of the crime, the max we can award here is six points. For the perverse Penn State fan hoping for more points here, you should be ashamed. (And, um, no, you can’t have any.)

Anyone’s game at this point. True, boldfaced header: it is anyone’s game. We seriously, seriously doubt Missouri can rack up more points this season. (If they do, the “Pinkel Cup” has no ring to it.)

The big board returns this week, courtesy of Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson. We think we’re up to speed on Virginia’s suddenly impressive point total. Arguments, half-assed justifications, and more lousy accounting follow.

Virginia stands Cavalier strong at twelve after some review of the accounting following the arrest of J’Courtney Williams for credit card theft last week. Add in Mike Brown’s spectacular work with grand larceny, and we have ourselves an academically prestigious contender with outlaw tendencies. Al Groh commented on the situation by saying “meh.” One question: we have this nagging feeling we owe them points, which if true we’re sure someone will be happy to point out for us.

West Virginia stays in the hunt, hanging in there and looking like a real contender to unseat Missouri’s impressive lead. Also rising with a bullet (hahahahah!) is Mississippi State, who had two players booted last week after you know an ho-hum la-di-dah GUNFIGHT on campus with a non-student. Colorado has also had the consistent snap and pop of a team capable of nickel and diming its way into things, as well, though if Missouri pulls another score they’re looking like the definitive front-runner.

Where’s our Obama to unseat them going into the month of graduation parties and the end of spring practice? You might think you can’t get caught for underage drinking, and you might be reneging on that lifelong ambition to steal a car in a stoned haze with a pocket full of ripe bud, but we tell you collegiate America: Yes you can! Yes you can!

As part of our ongoing ripoff of SWPL called “Stuff ____ and _______ People Like,” the EDSBS Staff presents “Stuff Orange and White People Like,” an analysis of things Tennessee Volunteer fans like. Enjoy.

Pitchforks and torches. A nine-win season is cause for satisfaction elsewhere in D-I, but in the SEC and Knoxville in particular, it’s a blight. Any win total under double digits lights up the AM radio dial with orange faithful ready to gut their coach like a catfish of astonishing proportions. Going 5-6 in 2005 brought, concurrently and consecutively, collective apoplexy and vows of silence—they still can’t talk about it. Bring up The Season Of Which We Do Not Speak to a Tennessee fan and his eyes will glaze over in rage or incomprehension. Either way, Does Not Compute.

Orson’s note: Wonder who those people in Frankenstein who, when confronted with a problem, immediately rush to get a.) an impaling instrument, and b.) fire? For any problem? Tennessee fans, that’s who. They’re threatening Frankenstein because, with some time in the weight room, he could be the next John Henderson, but noooooo, he wants to kidnap maidens and accidentally drown little girls in lakes all day like a bad monster.

John Henderson rocks fat titties all day, by the way, despite playing for a team we despise. “BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW!” comes from his sideline rantings in college, and he also did this, which is now how we wake up every morning.

We do it just like that. Except the wife does it with a padded white glove, and she does it softly, so as not to knock my exfoliating facial mask off. Sometimes she gets a little too into it, and some of the dust lands on our white oxford shirt! It’s a funny time, the mornings in the Swindle house!

HFCS That’s high fructose corn syrup, friends, and it is a fact of natural law that the highest concentration of HFCS swollen people on the planet reside in Tennessee. (more…)

The big board continues to swell with fresh points. This week’s Fulmer Cupdate, as always, is brought to you by Brian, who continues to be hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

Mississippi State bang-bangs their way onto the board with a murky “shooting incident” on campus in Starkville last Friday. Two players were involved for certain: Michael Brown and Quinton Wesley were both sent screaming off the team with all due speed following the shooting, and others may be involved since the Miss State roster was sporting a few conspicuous holes during their spring game Saturday. (Urban Meyer finds all of these punishments harsh.)

The incident began with the source of all trouble, naturally: a convenience store.

MSU Police Department Lt. Don Bartlett said an altercation at a convenience store near the campus — the B-Quik store on East Lee Boulevard — occurred a few hours before the incident at Zacharias Village and “may have been the motivation” for the gunshots at the residence hall complex, The Starkville Daily News reported.

H.I. and the entire Tennessee football team agrees: convenience stores are hellmouths of trouble for the young mind, with their slushees, cheap beer, lotto tickets and pork rinds. Virtue is staying away from them entirely, kids.

Cincinnati lights up a few points–two points, to be specific–for Terrill Byrd smoking weed in his residence. Well, at least he can buy booze on Sundays, unlike the good citizens of Georgia, who instead must drive to a bar, where they get hammered, buy some fried food, and then hit the roads after drinking. Sonny Perdue, don’t you have rain to pray for instead of persecuting the lazy alcoholics of this fine state? Lazy alcoholism at home is a family value in the South, dammit.

(We don’t actually know if one can buy booze on Sundays in Cincy. All we know is that Sonny Perdue can go fuck himself with a corkscrew for limiting our personal freedoms in the name of winning a few Jebus voters in Crisp County.)

Missouri still sits atop this thing like a prize drunken peacock, but several teams sit in striking distance. Just a few misdemeanors separate Tennessee from Mizzou, and if any team has the gumption, abundant convenience stores, and raucous, enabling campus environment to make this thing happen, it’s Tennessee, dammit.

The last person we can remember being arrested for false imprisonment was Rick James, so the soundtrack for this is a true barn-burner: Rick James and Tina Marie live at the BET awards singing “Fire and Ice,” which Rick wrote about methamphetamines and fire, two of his favorite things.

We’re catching up, but it bears mention for the spectacular score racked up in a single offense by Arkansas junior linebacker Freddie Fairchild, arrested on Monday for third degree battery and second degree false imprisonment in a domestic incident with his girlfriend.

The victim, said to be Fairchild’s girlfriend in a police report, told police that Fairchild physically attacked her causing injuries to her head, face, arms, legs and pelvis, according to an arrest report. She said after the attack he did not allow her to leave the house for several hours.

Fairchild is assessed seven points total: three for each felony count, and one for reminding us of Rick James, something that will always earn you bonus points in the Fulmer Cup. Petrino has suspended Fairchild pending the legal process’ results, which in Petrino-ese means Fairchild will not be suspended, and that the coach just got done with a very promising interview with the University of Washington regarding their head-coaching position.

With the towel, like a gentleman.

Keenan Jones of Hawaii has been arrested and charged with unauthorized entry into a motor vehicle and second-degree assault. The two counts are both felonies, and total seven points for Hawaii in the Fulmer Cup. Seven, you ask? Why add a bonus point on top of the three points a piece for the felonies? As usual: style, sir, sheer inescapable style, brought to this case by the inclusion of some low-quality PPV pr0n.

A court document on the latest charges noted “the catalyst” for the domestic problems between the two stems from Jones allegedly using the woman’s cable provider to rent 13 porn movies resulting in a bill of over $300.

Lady, you don’t understand: this is how the deal works. Keenan gets porn, you pay for it, and when you complain about it, I shut a door on your toes and break two of them, because your bill must be mistaken. And those charges must be from your chick movies like August Rush and shit, because everyone knows porno is free–you press a button and it just shows up there on the tv. Amy Adams, though…damn. That girl can play Keenan’s cello anytime. Or share the couch with me when I crack out the butter churn and get to work on the couch, which I would do with a towel under my ass just like a gentleman would. That’d be some positively Enchanted shit there.

Stephen, what would the Great Eagle Spirit do, man? HE’D DRINK THAT FUCKIN’ BEER, THAT’S RIGHT.

Stephen Garcia sits in his dorm, alone except for the tiny, floating Matthew McConaughey on his shoulder.

SG: I’m fucking bored man.

Tiny, Floating Matthew McConaughey: Brah, stop the bitchin’ and get to itchin’. If it’s too quiet in the church, who’s gonna make some noise if you don’t ring some bells, man?

SG: I’m gonna set off the fire extinguisher. I’ve been wanting to do that for weeks.

TFMM: RIGHT ON. Take your shirt off and make it happen. You’re like a primitive warrior ready to fight in mud with a loincloth naked, and the fire extinguisher….it’s like some ancient sabretooth you’ve got to own. Just like I punched those dragons in Reign of Fire.

SG: Fuckin’ right. Sometimes I can hear it taunting me.

TFMM: It IS taunting you. Can’t you hear it now? I can because I’m Toll Housed.

SG: Ring ring, you little red bitch.

TFMM: You’re a dolphin in a sea of purple freedom, baby YEAH. (more…)