The long delayed Fulmer Cupdate is brought to you by Brian, who his hung like Reggie F’n Nelson, and by the city of Pullman, Washington. Pullman: Way more excitement than you thought possible on the edge of Idaho!

Revisions, points updates, and conspiracies.

For the enlightened conspiracists out there: The Trilateral Commission decreed it, and then confirmed the call with the Elders of Zion, who then ratified the dismissal of affray charges against Janoris Jenkins with Quantum and the Gnomes of Zurich. Broadcasting the orders over special high-frequency radios through Chinese Triad contacts based in Mormon temples across the world, who then executed the orders through Mara Salvatrucha operatives with links to Opus Dei and the Carlyle Group to intimidate the judges in Alachua County to make the charges go away, debase the US Currency, and simultaneously undermine the University of Tennessee and Georgia programs while clearing the way for ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT.

Either that, or there was no evidence to hold the charges any further against Jenkins. Believe whatever you like because you will, but whatever you decide don’t touch Janoris’ chain. He values it deeply. Florida now falls off the Big Board, unable to keep the torrid late pace of the summer stretch of the Fulmer Cup season.

Setting said pace: Washington State, who with the arrest of a current player and two former players on felony burglary put on the burners and stretched the team lead over Hawaii to five points. Overtaking the Cougars at this point will take a blitz of bad behavior or some Jimmy Johns-esque solo work from someone on the Big Board, as the likelihood of WSU earning more points over the summer is roughly inverse to their chances of winning more than three games this season. (Good/not good at all, fractionally speaking)

Formal point tally, btw: four points, three for the felony, and one for doing it with two former players and making it a team-building exercise.

Not one of those fun, complex DUIs. Kansas State tallies two points for DUI as offensive lineman Jeffrey Fitzgerald earns a ho-hum, almost subhumanly boring DUI:

“It was a simple DUI,” said Lt. Herb Crosby of the Riley County police. “An officer observed some erratic driving, stopped (Fitzgerald) and arrested him for DUI.”

Come on: you can’t even pique the interest of a jaded cop? No interesting zigzagging, or a chaotic but entertaining detour through a shopping mall? Or even artistic use of road flares during the arrest? You bore them, Wildcats. Entertain them. Washington State football players would.

The Battle DUI: earns two points for Arkansas, though we almost assigned a bonus point for the stupidity of earning the DUI by hitting the woofers so hard the police pulled you over for violating the local noise ordinance.

Urrbody on the street gett tipzay. One point for public intox for Iowa State, as it is defined as a one point offense under the Fulmer Cup rules, and because drunks have to walk around, too, dammit. When will our nation be as free as Cardiff, Wales? Someday soon, we hope, you puritan jackoff monkeys who insist on “sober walking” and “not passing out in the bushes.” “Again.”

Further clarification: Charges against Adam Gunn of Pitt, dropped, thus lightening Pitt’s point total by 4. Iowa’s Fat Man on A Little Bike gets three points.

Tears. Just pay tribute by peeing in the closet, and take your drawer full of keys when you go hunting or fishing, you lucky bastards. His kind shall not pass our way again.

Florida State now just gets players arrested just to remind everyone of their former glory, that halcyon time when they ruled a flaccid ACC with an iron fist and had players toddling drunkenly through the clubs of Tallahassee with impunity thanks to the diplomatic immunity afforded them by their exemption under the “Warsaw Rules.”

In lesser days now, Florida claims the twin thrones of excellence in football and in frequency of arrest, and even the ‘Noles crimes seem less energetic and creative than they once were. Preston Parker couldn’t even be bothered to stay awake for the drive-thru, much less to walk in and make trouble. Sometimes a program makes its own metaphors, and signing over the deed to Wake Forest yearly certainly qualifies as the football corollary to falling asleep while waiting on your McFlurry.

Just to remind you they’re there, Florida State football player Maurice Harris was arrested for grand theft, property crime (possession of a vehicle with altered numbers) and a traffic violation for attaching a registration and license plate not assigned to the vehicle to his car. Tomahawk Nation says getting rid of Harris would be just fine by them, though they’re particularly irked by Harris’ arrest highlighting Chuck Amato’s overblown reputation as a South Florida recruiter. Harris is Amato’s sole South Florida get in three years with the 21st century Seminoles, and has been a non-contributor thus far for the FSU defense.

That’s five points for FSU in the Fulmer Cup, which we swear will be updated in full as soon as our boardmaster gets back from his tour of the sawdust mines of lower Alabama and the Georgia Piedmont.

The Southwest will be your rich bowlful of ranch dressing with red pepper in it today; feel free to dip a faux-TexMex monstrosity like an egg roll full of taco stuffin’s into it for savory Fulmer Cup flavor.

Come, let us eat the traditional eggrolls of my people and celebrate peace together with our tribe’s 2 for 1 daquiris.

Your appetizer: The arrests of two New Mexico football players for Fightin’ ‘n Da Club, bringing two points to the UNM Lobos and rounding out what has been a stellar beginning to the Mike Locksley era there.

The main course is the double arrest of UTEP players Daniel Palmer and Nick Sampson, who beat up a roving stereo salesman in an El Paso parking lot after one dared the other to punch the man, and then take the stereo. (more…)

If Florida is the high-end, couture buy for those seeking the criminally troubled major college football brand, the Washington State is the affordable, mid-sized alternative with almost as much total punch. Hell, for individual flair, Xavier Hicks is the best buy by himself. Don’t think of the Cougars as a one-man team, though. He may be their Lebron, but he does have teammates, and they refuse to let the man do the job single-handedly.

Ronnie James Dio wants to bless this with his satanic powers, because it is that powerful. Go ahead, RJD.

Ah, GifParty. You never let us down. Then again, neither does Wazzou:

Tyree Toomer and LeAndre Daniels were arrested on theft and burglary charges and were immediately suspended…

Toomer and Daniels are accused of second degree burglary, residential burglary and theft in the second and third degrees.

Gadzooks, that’s quite a load of points. Burglary and theft don’t strike us as misdemeanors, meaning the standard three-point award for any felony here has to apply, but how is a really, really good question at this point. The conservative. Wazzu sits right now with nine points. Four felony charges are listed there, a grand sum of 12 points if you only count them as a lump sum, and not as two people’s charges doubled.

At the bare minimum, we’re looking at 12 Fulmer Cup points for Wazzu, and the effective Fulmer Cup lead. (USF also has 17, but all of their points from Trent Pupello’s one-man riot and pistol-whipping clinic in a bar parking lot.) If you would like to play safety at Washington State and taste the special experience of playing Dan Hawkins-approved Divison One Football, just wait until everyone in front of you is arrested, and you’ll see the field soon enough.

The Fulmer Cup Big Board, tended as always by the Reggie Nelson-sized-tackle-dragging Brian, returns this week full of naught but tiny points tweaks and a single, lonely Nebraskan arrest warrant blowing about the waving cornflowers of the Great Plains…

I-back to the Future. Nebraska picks up a single point for the negligence of I-back Quentin Castille, who failed to appear in court over a trio of missing license plate charges, and will instead be brought in on the proactive tip by the Lincoln law enforcement community for wasting the judge’s precious time. This does not count as the kind of jail experience one can brag about, sir. Gucci Mane this does not make you.

Carl Johnson, finally off the books. The points awarded to Carl Johnson and erroneously left on the books after their dismissal have been returned to the cookie jar, since the charges were dropped after a judge realized at an attorney’s urging that a man cannot break a restraining order he does not realize exists. Carl Johnson has peacefully gone back to watching his girlfriend just like the rest of you do, which is through an open window with a powerful infrared telescope.

Otherwise: The long quiet gulf of June awaits, smooth, ripple-free waters sure to be interrupted by a bar brawl on a hot evening or a Florida Gator affray charge of some sort.

Xavier Hicks, Fulmer Cup legend.

Finish the drill, Maurice Neal. Okay, Coach. No matter who tells you to stop, okay? Got it coach. I mean no one’s stopping you, okay? Not even a cop with a loaded gun can keep you from making the play, right? Oh, you got no idea, coach.

From the Deseret News:

Police officers watched Neal hit a man, Martin Chacon, in the face, who then fell to the ground unconscious, according to the charges. Neal and several others then began to fight another man, Juan Hernandez, who fell to the ground. Neal then kicked Hernandez several times in the torso and head so that he lost consciousness, the charges state.

For continuing to beat people senseless despite being in the presence of a policeman finishing the drill, Neal receives two misdemeanor counts of assault and one count of failing to obey the orders of a law officer. In another interesting facet of the story, you can beat people up in front of policemen in Utah and only get a misdemeanor charge. Remember that–it could be useful one day if you’re in the mood for brawlin’ in Provo. (No caffeine or alcohol? Best belee we gone brawl.)

Total charge: Four points. Three for the charges, and one for doing it in front of a cop.

Xavier Hicks of Washington State has to be approaching some kind of new career Fulmer Cup record, recording points for the Cougars in 2005 (theft), 2007 (theft again), 2008 (assault via contact lens,)and now in 2009 for driving with a suspended license. Hicks did this last year, too, but that time he was on the way home from jail. Legends like Hicks don’t need licenses, but they do get arrested for not having them while driving.

Two points for Washington State: one for the misdemeanor, and one because it was the most consistent performer in the history of the Fulmer Cup.

All society really requires from people to just get their shit together. Not in optimal shape, or even in good shape: merely together, as in barely functioning above marginally dysfunctional.

We think this a lot when driving behind handicapped drivers, who rank with Ethiopian cabbies (two speeds: 15 mph or 70 mph) and old men as the world’s worst drivers by discriminatory category. We’re very sorry life has done something to you to give you the little pac-man-eating-a-seated-man on your car’s license plate, but it by no means excuses blowing through stop signs. driving ten miles under the speed limit at all times, or breezing across four lanes of traffic without using a turn signal.

Just get your shit together, stop attempting to recruit others into the handicapped drivers’ club by causing accidents, and allow us to cause our own accidents by attempting to blog and eat a Chik-Fil-A number one meal all by ourselves. (The broken bones came from a pull-up bar–just imagine what we’re capable of with a car!)

The same could be said for Arkansas defensive tackle Lavunce Askew, arrested for taking a laptop with teammate linebacker Matt Marshall. Marshall and Askew allegedly took the items from an unnamed complainant in the middle of the night. Marshall was seen returning the iPhone the following morning.Then this happened:

Askew pulled up while police were questioning Marshall, had the laptop and admitted to taking it, according to the report. He said he was going to use it for school. Askew was placed under arrest.

Oh, for school? Well, just go on your way young man no don’t I’m kidding put your hands on the hood of the car. Your shit, together it must be. That’s felony theft, and three points in the Fulmer Cup for Arkansas, who already have had a great week thanks to Ryan Mallett breaking his ring finger while lifting weights and missing summer practice.

ps. Another Arkansas “athletic” was arrested this past week, too. See excellent typo in that article for title reference.

We are all now one step closer to Florida winning its first Fulmer Cup in the first year without its actual namesake coaching in the SEC. Florida corner Janoris Jenkins loves his chain for the same reason you love your ostentatious and garish gold chain. You know, the dookie roll you’re currently rocking in your desk jobs around the nation, and which no serious professional is without.

An artist’s sketch suggests this was how Janoris Jenkins spent at least part of Saturday night.

Someone–most likely a “hater”, as defined under Florida judicial code 34.2.882.43–decided to appropriate Jenkins’ chain without his permission. Haters do this quite often, both because they are jealous of your immense, uncountable wealth, but also because they often make bad decisions because of sleep deprivation. Losing sleep thinking about your constant success with women, your constantly new and fresh clothing, and your stunning ride and its candy paint will dull a person’s ability to choose wisely, but it’s not your fault. One rule about haters as defined under criminal law is that they are in a constant state of hating, and will “be hatin’” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There’s nothing you can do but keep shinin’.

Or you could try to chase them down, ignore requests from police orders, and get tased by the tasing’est cops in all of Christendom, the Gainesville police department.

The officer then drew out a Taser and told the group stop. At that point, Jenkins hit another person in the head, police reported…Jenkins was hit with one cycle from the Taser, but afterward he stood up and ran away…Police said Jenkins admitted he was fighting with the others because he thought they were trying to steal his chain, according to the report.

Jenkins, one of Florida’s starting corners, earns three points in the Fulmer Cup for the two misdemeanor charges (affray, resisting arrest) and one bonus point for being a dumbass while on scholarship at our alma mater. We’re this close to appropriating the U gesture for ourselves, and lack only a solid cocaine-based arrest to fully dethroning the U of the 1990s as Thug U. Rick Reilly should be recycling that old line from his piece on Oklahoma any day now.

Clemson has a long and storied tradition of football excellence. This is not about any of it, and neither is the following story.

Fear not, fair citizens of Clemson. The scourge of drunk scooter driving has been eradicated for the moment thanks to the diligent work of local police and the blind stupidity of starting center Barry Humphries, arrested for a drunk driving charge on May 2nd when he was picked up at 4:59 a.m. by police. Even Dabo Swinney knows this is funny–um, yes, deadly serious:

Even though he was on a motor scooter, we take this charge seriously.

Of course you do: that’s why you suspended him two games, even if you were giggling when you did it. By the way, 4:59 is hellaciously late by anyone’s standards, and a time when unless you are waking up to lift weights and milk cows (or lift cows and milk weights, if you’re a real badass.) If you doubt this, consult the Swindle Nightlife Gazetteer’s “Hours/Activities Chart:”

12:00–1:00 a.m.: Dancing. Bar games executed at competent to excellent level. Mackin’. Mild nibbling of appetizers.

1:00–2:00 p.m. Demonstrating still confident yet ironic ability to “lean with it.” (more…)

…even though no Fulmer Cup points are awarded, former Marshall recruit A.J. Graham’s arrest two hours before graduation deserves at least a tip of the cap for pure “grandeur in stupidity. “