This week’s Fulmer Cupdate and the Big Board are brought to you by Brian, who remains hung like Sir Reggie Nelson of Concussionville, and by Doc Bottom’s Aspray, helping you keep your ass minty fresh since 2008. Enjoy.

Not even this, mind you. Washington State struggles to win even this game, as the dismissal of all charges in the theft of several bikes–ruled not stolen, but instead taken after being “abandoned”–knocks the Cougars down 12 points and back behind the overall team leader, the Hawai’i Warriors, who would notice this were they not busy enjoying a life in our nation’s earthly paradise.* Remember that USF’s 17 points all stem from the outstanding and appalling work of one Trent Pupello, a man whose deep passion for pistol-whippin’ singlehandedly netted 27 points for the South Florida Bulls.

Barring an arrest for USF not attributable to Pupello, they will not be eligible for the Fulmer Cup team championship. Pupello will instead be this year’s clear front runner for the Ellis T. Jones III Award for Individual Excellence, while Hawaii will slip into the lead in what has been a comparatively quiet Fulmer Cup season.

Supenzor’d! Dustin Doe would pick up just one point as a suspended license type, but thanks to our home field policy the Most Favored Gator Nation earns two points rather than one for the charge. Still not enough to get them on the big board after charges of affray against Janoris Jenkins were dismissed, but hold your fire: a month remains, and once they return to campus, the buffet of late night stupidity is hot, steaming, and ready for willing diners to begin serving themselves.

* just behind Shreveport, Louisiana for this title.

Right there, looking into Joey’s eyes, it all came back in a rush. Why I do what I do. Defending the defenseless, protecting the disenfranchised corporations that have been abandoned by their very own consumers: the logger, the sweatshop foreman, the oil driller, the land mine developer, the baby seal poacher…

Even the devil needs an advocate: thus J.C. Watts’ happiness to represent the BCS among a long list of other organizations including NASCAR, the ACLU, and AIDS, as a registered lobbyist. It beats being the 1990s Token Black Republican on the Sunday talk show circuit (besides George Will, of course.) but leading up to a possible gubernotorial bid next year, his lobbying activities are subject to scrutiny in the campaign, the most scurrilous activities of all being the work he’s done for the $620,000 he’s taken from the BCS over the past five years.

Oklahoma voters could break it down thusly: (more…)

Mornin’ everyone. Feelin’ good. Lookin’ good. You know it. I know it. Charger the Golf Cart of Victory knows it.

Just got a text message from a recruit telling me I’m the sexiest coach. Might be gay. I don’t judge. Just likin’ the intensity. Get him in the program. Have him pick out some shades. Maybe class up the coaches’ uniforms a bit. We need some pizazz. Some action. More lightning bolts on the sleeves.

LIGHTNING BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLTS!!!

(Flexes, calls trick play for a turnover on first play of game.)

Likin’ the effort. Players goin’ all out. Like Josh Brent. Gettin’ a DUI. Happens. Got pulled over with suspended license. Why’s it suspended? Too busy hittin’ the weights. Hang cleanin’ hogs at the Ag building. Hang cleanin’ every day. Can’t file the paperwork because he can’t get full extension at all three points pushin’ paper. Likin’ it.

HAAAAAAAAANG CLEEEEEEEAAAAAAAANS!!!

(Holds press conference with hair on fire. Insists hair is not on fire.)

That’s three points in the Fulmer Cup. Competin’. Scorin’. Three is more than two. Take two outta three and you get one. That’s Illini math. Winner’s math. Take one and divide it one. Guess what you got? That’s right. A winner. Every day, dividin’ one by one and getting one. Or eighth in the Big Ten. That’s one if you divide it by eight, which is really just a bunch a ones all stacked together. We get those sorted out and we’ll be good here at Illinoise. Gonna like it. Gonna compete.

COMPEEEEEEEEEEEEETE!!!

(Checks play card, gestures wildly, mismanages clock and allows time to expire on potential game-winning FG attempt.)

Ohio Rep John Boehner, like most members of Congress, is actually a reptilian life form that feeds on the blood of old ladies and children and sleeps hanging upside down from the Anacostia Bridge when he’s not wearing his people suit and passing very important legislation.

Why, just this past week he took valuable time out of his child-bleeding/cat-torturing schedule to propose this extremely important piece of legislation:

Congratulates Miami University, in Ohio, on its 200th anniversary.

Recognizes the school’s profound achievements, unwavering commitment to liberal arts education, and active engagement of its students in both curricular and co-curricular life.

This leads us to the logical extension of this: what important recognition and proclamations are going unproposed in Congress regarding our beloved universities and their football programs?

H.R. 261

Honors the fine work of Ed Orgeron as recruiting coordinator in just two months on the job. (more…)