The Freekery, delivered:

Vols, bitch.

LeGarrette Blount met with the Pac-10 commish yesterday to discuss his possible reinstatement, but he’s a sideshow at the moment to the bombardment Oregon rolls out on opponents week-to-week. QUACK BITCHES.

Fun facts from the midpoint of the Chizik era, year one: Auburn’s defense has been on the field or 575 plays, tied for 113th in the nation in total snaps taken by the defense. The side effect of the espresso-paced Malzahn offense is to lengthen the game for everyone, your defense included, which is why you see your Toledos and Texas Techs down in those rankings, too. This leads to more opportunities for the opposing team, which leads to fatigue, which leads to Les Miles’ struggling offense breaking out the good knives and going to work despite struggling through most of the season. Auburn’s defense is tired, and we’d bet even money on them looking more gassed as the season goes on due to the first year of the system and the lack of conditioning. It’s not like Auburn spent the offseason lounging poolside and feasting on gelato, but you can’t really be prepared to take that many snaps unless you’ve seen what switching up-tempo can do to the defense of the team making the switch.

(HT: The ever-cromulent War Eagle Reader.)

Cody: hungry for long pig.

Blame our east coast bias. It keeps us from doing so many things endorsed by west coasters: veganism, watching football at 9 in the morning (you fucking savages!) and group sex (okay, no comment.) It sometimes delays picking up on stories from the West Coast, like this superb blurb from John Canzano of the Oregonian where he shares an email he received from Senior Associate Athletics Director Kenny Mossman:

Oklahoma’s three losses …

· All versus ranked opponents.

Oh, you don’t know the least bit about pageanting, Kenny Mossman. You play in a conference headed by the queen of pageanting, Mack Brown, whose girls never line up in the inevitable BCS post-season lineup without flawless mascara applied and hairdos blasted into place by a thousand empty cans of White Rain and ESPN appearances. Reminding people of close losses won’t be enough, especially when your most worst loss came to a team later blown out at home by Florida State, and your only “quality” win came over “Baylor.” If Mack Brown is the master tap-dancer getting twenties thrown in his hat on the subway platform, Oklahoma is the tuneless bucket drummer thwacking away spastically on an empty paint jug.

Pageanting will continue apace, especially if the nightmare Alabama-Florida rematch scenario occurs. It likely won’t, but if that somehow happens, the campaigning will redefine whorish.

He returns to practice in full pads but with no contact, presumably wearing a special Nike-sponsored Nerf Helmet to protect his noggin. Oh, the joys of listening to swampstained LSU troglodytes hollering jokes about our brain-damaged quarterback! We can’t wait, especially since the fun has already started with LSU fans getting Urban Meyer’s and Riley Cooper’s phone numbers and leaving what we can only assume are helpful words of encouragement, love, and not-at-all veiled murder threats on their voicemail.

Let’s pay ‘em back, shall we? 318-681-4564. That’s Les Miles number.* Let’s make some memories, lovers.

*If Les Miles runs a hospital cafeteria with the most consistently entertaining menu announcements ever.

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Just a simple Falcon Punch, and we’ll let LeGarrette Blount go.