South Carolina, What! South Carolina Gamecocks defensive end Clifton Geathers went to Club Ice early Sunday Morning. Why? Because Club Ice is on Lady Street, and that’s where ladies are. (That is a real photo from Club Ice, btw, and a reminder that though you may look drunk in a photo, you will look eight hundred times more drunk with redeye.)

Then Clifton Geathers got hero-drunk and did what heroes do when they’re drunk: he looked for a dragon to slay, or failing that, a security detail to scuffle with as a 6′8″, 281 pound man. EPIC MUGSHOT WIN after the jump:

Geathers got into a fight with a security guard at Club Ice, or tried to make love to a windmill. The defense will use the latter, but the former is what got the cops there and got Geathers charged with resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness, all misdemeanors worth one point each. Tag on the requisite mugshot goodness bonus point, and South Carolina is awarded four points in the Fulmer Cup, thus making the only big move of significance on the Big Board this week. Teammate Jarvis Giles was involved in some kind of domestic disturbance on campus with a woman, but with no charges filed yet, we refrain, and simply state that the beginning of football season means couples sparring over time and attention, and sometimes that literally means “sparring couples.”

It should be mentioned that Geathers checked into jail at 5:45 a.m., and was checked out in the ten o’clock hour, and that little could feel worse than checking out of jail drunk, tired, and utterly pummeled at 10:30 on Sunday morning.

Sparring Couples, One: Alabama linebacker Courtney Upshaw was arrested for domestic violence/harassment, but so was his girlfriend, Kendall Gryzb, who was enraged at Upshaw for hoarding all those vowels in his first name while she needed them so desperately. The police report describes Gryzb getting slappy after seeing Upshaw talking to another woman, and Upshaw showing linebacker pursuit skills by following and then grabbing Gryzb by the neck from behind before pushing her down.

Dad’s not concerned, though.

After speaking with his daughter upon her release, Kendall’s father Dave Grzyb told the Press-Register that it was a “simple lovers’ quarrel altercation,” and that “I honestly think it was probably initiated by my daughter. I don’t think he laid a hand on her. He just tried to restraint her to keep from getting hit again.”

We can’t decide whether this is negligent parenting on public parade, or a tacit public acknowledgment of a daughter’s insanity when it comes to dating. Cue Auburn conspiracy theories about him being bought off, and award one point to Alabama for the misdemeanor charge.

Sparring Couples, Two. Kansas State has a remarkably similar situation with Joseph Kassavanoid and his girlfriend, who were both charged in a domestic incident. One point for K-State and their backup quarterback whose last name sounds like a pharmaceutical compound.

I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY VOICE. Auburn running back Eric Smith has an appointment with the police today on a third-degree assault charge, which he’s cooperating with fully, since he seems like he’s owning up to beating a drunken student up with his hands AND HIS MIGHTY VOCAL CORDS.

The victim did not know his attacker, according to a victim report obtained by The Opelika-Auburn News.

According to the report, the victim was assaulted in the third degree by “hands, fists, voice, etc.”

Etc is so tempting to the imagination: “Smith then beat up his victim with a taxidermed kangaroo, the abstract concept of sorrow, and the fender from a 1989 Fiero.” The misdemeanor charge gets Auburn one point in the Fulmer Cup, and breaks the streak noted in the article of Auburn players staying out of trouble, since Auburn’s last arrest was in 2007 for a minor traffic foible.

Belated charges: Vandy gets four points for the Cabbagestalk Burglaries, which sounds like the title of a discarded Jeffrey Eugenides short story, and reminds you that giants, while huge and powerful, can be caught by police if properly chased. (Justin Cabbagestalk is totally a giant’s name, and in a children’s book would have been breaking into the house to get something shiny and pretty for his tiny but devoted human-sized girlfriend.)

Mangino is impressed by the teamwork. Sometimes a bar fight does wonders for team chemistry, a lesson easily picked up by watching The Replacements or any other sports movie where, in lieu of detailing the boring grind of establishing characters and chemistry, the team simply gets into a tremendous sprawling tavern melee. “When did you come together as a team, Star Playerguy?” “Well, probably when I threw that chair at a man, missed, and hit a defenseless woman in the face.” CUE SUCCESS MONTAGE AND FIVE GAME WIN STREAK IN 45 SECONDS.

Kansas reserve offensive lineman Jose Rodriguez helped his brother Cesar, a former KU lineman, remove a patron from the bar at 2 a.m. Saturday as part of their job as bouncers at the Cadillac Ranch, and must have been quite aggressive about it: both were booked for aggravated battery, giving KU three points in the Fulmer Cup for the transgression. Footage of the incident may be viewed here.

The Cadillac Ranch gets excellent reviews, by the way.

Greasy? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, VATO? [/thrown through plate glass window by huge lineman. again.]

E-i-e-i-oh. James McDonald had a beer, e-i-e-i-ho. And with this beer he had a shot, e-i-ei-oh. With a beer shot here/and a roadblock there/here’s a cop/there’s a cop/everywhere a cop cop/Two points for a DUI, E-i-e-i-D’OH.

Left with the sad crop of mortals we have, here are the SEC’s quarterbacks ranked by their ability to perform well in a barfight.

12. Jonathan Crompton, Tennessee. Too slow to even compete here. What kind of slow? That kind, really. Which kind, you ask again? Oh, take the whole spice rack of whatever slow means to you. It’s all there.

11. Tim Tebow. Too pacifist by far, though he can certainly take punishment. Also, though you’d think bolts of divine lightning would probably level everyone arrayed against him, you’d be surprised at how far out on a limb the Lord will leave you no matter how much he loves you. Best to avoid getting caught in a gory Biblical plotline and pick someone else for a wingman in case a Kentucky Hailstorm breaks out one boozy night. Also: probability of Tebow being in a bar, much less one your ass is sitting in? Low.

10. Ryan Mallett, Arkansas. The good news: he will at least be comfortable in a bar. The bad news: he’s a big slow former Michigan qb once described as “a brain-damaged heron,” so a solid kick to the nuts could send him scurrying fast. Or threaten him with a transition to a running spread offense. That could do it, too.

9. Mike Hartline, Kentucky. A Kentucky quarterback, so automatically granted three spots due to surgically reinforced ribs required to play the position. A one trick pony fightwise, though: avoid the 6′6″ers haymakers, and pretty soon you’re whipping him around the place like a fun noodle at a pool party.

8. Jordan Jefferson, LSU. From Louisiana, so at least you know he’s an experienced bar fighter. (It’s taught in lieu of Civics as part of state curriculum.) Still a bit inexperienced, but elusive, and at 6′4″ definitely possesses the reach needed to keep opponents at bay. Also has the number of Herman Johnson in his phone, and if he gets to it quickly enough, The Biggest Baby Ever Born In Louisiana will just come there and stare at everyone until they get frightened enough to act right.

7. Greg McElroy, Alabama. Still a relatively unknown quantity, but at least he’s been training.

John Parker Wilson punched that same machine, and it failed to register anything, preferring instead to sprout roses and cooing noises. We quote: “DAMN THESE BEAUTIFUL BANGS OF MINE!!!!”–John Parker Wilson, every day of his life.

6. Larry Smith, Vanderbilt. Another selection based on his ability to take punishment as the quarterback behind an offensive line with an occasionally gracious style of blocking. He’s also named “Larry,” and it’s surprising how many guys named “Larry” from the South fight like pissed-off Huns when cornered.

5. Steven Garcia, South Carolina. Garcia is huge, and thus capable of imparting great force behind his punches and kicks. He has no idea where they’re going to do problems with accuracy, but that’s why he’s at five and not higher. Also prone to dropping things he’s supposed to hang onto, like footballs, or in a fight something like brass knuckles or a knife. Besides those things, he’s a solid choice, and one of our bets to withstand a chair broken across his back with ease.

4. Tyson Lee, Mississippi State. We know little about him, but we’ll take a flyer on him at four because if he’s willing to step up and play behind that offensive line, he must be able to take at least a few solid haymakers without falling down and throwing up blood. (If he were still around, we’d take Michael Henig here, because he really did come as close as anyone we’ve seen to bleeding internally out his mouth as anyone we’ve ever seen play football without dying.)

3. Joe Cox, Georgia. You never see the Ginger Ninja coming, unless it’s at night, when his red hair sticks out and his translucent skin practically luminesces, or during the day when he’ll ask you for some sunscreen before attempting to kill you, because it’s really bright out here and that’s not good for me, so could you sit still while I throw this throwing star at you from the shade, m’kay?

2. Jevan Snead. There’s a dash of danger to Snead, a quarterback capable of beating Florida on their own field while coughing up losses to Wake Forest and Vanderbilt. He’s wily like a fox, meaning he can sneak eggs unbroken out of a chicken coop, but will also sometimes put his foot into a bear trap lit with floodlights and big signs written in fox-language reading “DON’T STICK YOUR PAW IN HERE.” For fightin’ purposes, this means he’s all roundhouse, knocking out three opponents before falling for the “tap-on-the-shoulder, turn, and get punched by smiling opponent” move you see in old Elvis movies. Personally, he’d be our favorite pick, if only because he’d also be dashing enough to do the trick where you punch someone, take a swig of beer, duck, and then punch someone and finish the beer.

1. Kodi Burns/Neal Caudle, Auburn. Because you get two bodies in one fell swoop by taking the platoon, even if it is cheating. (Since when has anyone had a problem with “creative advantage seeking” in our fair conference.) Admittedly, neither has any proven ability to knock anyone out, but Burns is elusive, and if all else fails you can throw one of them at the opposition Mongo-style. Especially Cauldle, who is still young, lanky, and thin enough to hurl like a bolo in a pinch. Pulling him from around the neck of an incapacitated opponent will be like untangling a yo-yo, but the look on the guy’s face will totally be worth it. A case where the two-headed beast at quarterback really could help you, if only to use as a distraction on your way out of town. (It worked for Tuberville!)

Come, let us eat the traditional eggrolls of my people and celebrate peace together with our tribe’s 2 for 1 daquiris.

Your appetizer: The arrests of two New Mexico football players for Fightin’ ‘n Da Club, bringing two points to the UNM Lobos and rounding out what has been a stellar beginning to the Mike Locksley era there.

The main course is the double arrest of UTEP players Daniel Palmer and Nick Sampson, who beat up a roving stereo salesman in an El Paso parking lot after one dared the other to punch the man, and then take the stereo. No, really, someone did this. It’s in print ‘n stuff.

In addition to robbing the victim, the complaint alleges that Sampson struck Aguilera-Mota after being egged on by his teammate.

“Hit him and take that,” the complaint quoted Palmer as saying.

Having missed every afterschool special ever made, Sampson allegedly did so, and now has to face the wrath of life’s keyboard cats playing the song of arrested, possibly convicted, and also possibly booted off the football team. Hit blend on that semantic blender and wait for the margarita, men:

If both are charged with theft and one with assault, that’s a minimum of nine points for the UTEP Miners, who would lose a contributor at running back and another possible contributor at safety to man’s unending thirst for fresh, free stereo equipment purchased off the back of trucks in parking lots.

Pitt redshirt senior Adam Gunn earned the rare sixth year of eligibility from the NCAA after suffering a broken vertebra in his neck on a hit against Bowling Green. The helmet-to-helmet collision gave him a concussion and a fracture of the C-5 vertebra in his neck, eventually requiring surgery to fuse it to the C-4, put Gunn in a neck brace, and file the appeal for extra year.

Gunn may have decided to begin this second chance at football and a senior year as a starting linebacker by running headlong into the arms of the police and tackling an impressive array of charges: resisting arrest, failure to disperse, disorderly conduct, and public drunkeness, all done on Sunday morning in what reeks of a FnDC/Nightlife Decathlete case. As all are misdemeanors, so it’s four more points for Pitt, a school making a di-dangity-dang-dang strong run in the offseason-long barfight of the Fulmer Cup.

ps. Bonus fun comment from Pitt Sports Blather!

keep getting in trouble guys – anything to get the wannstache fired! Please!

So…cold…at…this…thought…no…Wannstache….in…life…we actually shudder at the thought of this happening. Pitt fans might not, but life without the Wannstache seems like a poorer, less macho place to be.

Hawaii: Also Reminding You That You Probably Won’t Get Sexually Assaulted While You’re There. Ball State is probably your true leader at this point thanks to the seven-point indictment of JoPierre Davis, the cornerback whose nine point score just got a lot, lot bigger. That nine? It’s going to get larger, meaning JoPierre’s charges are the sole score for the Warriors, and thus eligible for the Ellis T. Jones award for outstanding achievement.

Now, if someone else on Hawaii gets frisky and decides to begin groping strangers willy-nilly, then we’re talking about an eligible team. However, it’s not fair to put a team in the lead with just one guy pulling all the weight, feloniously speaking. We have to track down which ones of these counts are felonies and misdemeanors, but when the charge “third-degree promotion of a detrimental drug” is a tiny extra on your list of misdeeds, you did something to piss off the D.A. properly.

I’m not a cop ha yes I am funny game that way. Relationships are important. This is why you never let a good weed dealer out of your life, and you never, ever, whore around your pharmaceutical dollar on the streets. Ladi Ajiboye, South Carolina defensive lineman, earns the Cocks two points for attempting to buy weed off an undercover cop, something he wouldn’t have had to do if he just hadn’t let that special if often late person out of his life. Lessons: life will teach them to you, even if you’re too high to remember them at the time.

Your Second DUI Is Just When You’re Getting Good At It. Pitt WR T.J. Porter decided to go a-motoring after having a few old-fashioneds while giving his driver the night off, starting an evening of festive driving in a manner disturbing to most of the residents of Toad Hall. This being his second offense and done on a suspended license (a gentleman cannot be expected to keep up with such details as petty paperwork), Porter was suspended from the team, and given a commoner’s charge of DUI (two points,) driving on a suspended license (one point,) and a bonus point for getting two DUIs in a year and being unfairly martyred for driving whilst in a blissfully relaxed state. Total of four points deeded to the Pitt Panthers. Behave, knaves.

Bayou Brawlin’. Finally, five points to the La. Tech Bulldogs for one felony battery charge, one assault charge, and one disorderly conduct charge in a fight of some sort at Rabb’s Steakhouse in Ruston. As long as the guys didn’t cause the cancellation of Zoso, the Led Zeppelin Experience this coming Thursday, all is forgiven.

Photo via a preseason Honolulu Advertiser article referring to Davis as a “bruising junior from San Francisco”. You don’t say.

Putting this together…since late September, the happy-go-lucky Davis has allegedly:

—Sexually assaulted a coed in her dorm room,
—stolen items from that same room,
—punched the same girl in the face months later,
—and a club employee who got in the way,
—and when finally arrested, was carrying weed.

That’s one count of burglary, one of sexual assault (maybe up to three, actually), potentially two more counts of assault, and possession.� Double digits for Hawaii, easily, but we’ll wait for the commish’s return to tally this one up—bonus points for sheer volume may be in the offing.

MP3 File

The Fulmer (Memorial) Cup celebrates in Bronx Cheer fashion those in collegiate athletics most prone to testing the bounds of civil and criminal code with outlandish, illegal, and sometimes injurious behavior. If you’re joining us for the first time here: the Fulmer Cup awards points for programs based on charges filed against players from said programs, with the points going to a collective tally for each school.

This solves two problems with one stone: killing time during the interminable offseason, and determining the answer to the age-old message board question, “Is your football program geniunely more thuggish than mine?”

This humble website awards the points based on the rules, which are as follows, but with a few minor tweaks this season:

* Murder: 5 points.

* Rape: 4 points. Downgraded to one if either participant is wearing a clown mask.

* Bestiality: 4 points. It’s a form of rape, really, no matter how much the goat has had to drink. High point value justified further by the fact that it involves having sex with an animal. You could say this was unthinkable, but in the past year alone two stories involving college athletes and at least the association with barnyard bonhomie of a most intimate degree have been reported, including the EDSBS Official GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD: the arrest of Oregon State player Ben Siegert for stealing a sheep used in a study on homosexuality in sheep.

* Grand Larceny: 4 points. We use this as a catchall for players being involved in crime so outrageous and well-planned it can only be described as ‘nefarious,’ ‘professional,’ or ‘legislation.’ Applies to large drug rings, chop shop operations, and the Haitian human trafficking ring that’s been run out of the Miami locker room since ‘93. (We kid! They didn’t get that thing humming ’til ‘95 at the earliest.)

* Hitting Girls: 3 points. We’ll downgrade this to 2 if the girl can hold her weight and requires daily medication to prevent her from gouging her own eyes out (since those were the ones we always ended up dating, and we understand); or we’ll upgrade to 4 points if the damage includes intensive care. Dad always said never hit girls, so we take this one seriously. Dad also said always double down with split aces, too, but we’ll be damned if we didn’t end up selling bone marrow in Macau the last time we followed that bit of advice.

* Car theft/Assault/Driving through houses drunk/Drug possession of the Tyrone Biggums variety: 3 points. “Drug possession” never sounds all that bad until you add in ‘crack cocaine,’ which is society’s signifier that your life has gone from that of high functioning simian in a complex society to that of a rat with electrodes in your brain’s pleasure centers hitting a pedal in a glass box in a lab. Weed? Par for the course, especially if you’re NFL-bound. Crack? Break out the Sports Century ‘Weepy Sonata’ music, because the story of your descent from boundless potential has just begun, and they haven’t even begun to show the grainy shots of 130-lb you huddled in a shelter on Skid Row.

* Fightin’ in ‘da Club/Weed Possession/Standard DUI: 2 points. Any scenario involving group fighting of a thugged-out, ‘we run this place’ variety, and marijuana possession of the nickel bag level. Possession of 100 pounds of marijuana is a totally different thing, and takes you right back up to the 4 point ‘nefarious’ level.

* Drankin’/Suspended License/Assorted petty misdemeanors: 1 point.

Pay attention! NEW SHIT CONTAINED!!! There is something to be said for a program that has eight or nine multiple small arrests in a single offseason losing to a program with only two or three arrests of spectacular nature. To counter this effect, we propose a force multiplier tacked on to a program after the third arrest regardless of the charge to account for the shame brought on a program when the eighth arrest comes rolling down the pike. It works like this:

Third arrest: No bonus

Fourth arrest: Four bonus points awarded.

Fifth arrest: Five bonus points awarded, and so on and so on.

This may seem overly cruel, but consider that Iowa, a program undoubtedly the most lawless over the brief span of the Fulmer Cup’s existence, has never won the Cup despite having people arrested constantly for little two and three point crimes. Contrast this with Alabama, who earned a crown last year based largely on the tremendous points garnered by Jimmy John’s booger sugar operation and its subsequent busting.

The multiplier applies to sepearate incidents only. Five guys arrested at once at a frat party will not kick in the multiplier. It is meant to emphasize the pattern and lack of discipline overall, not supercharge already sensational scores from single incidents.

You will find the following two websites most useful:

The Preview. Devil Grad composes an always prescient top ten preview at Miami Hawk Talk. We say prescient because putting a Bill Stewart team in Morgantown at number one is savvy, savvy stuff indeed, though the classic Arizona State pick is proof that when Dennis Erickson coaches your team in any decade, they’re going to score…on or off the field.

The Scoreboard. We update the field weekly here thanks to Brian, who is hung like Reggie Fucking Nelson, but the sick, wonderful people at SAS Wiki keep their own tally as well as the Fulmer Cup Processing Station, a necessary repository of scores we either haven’t scored yet or missed entirely. (And if you’re familiar with this website, missing things entirely is all part of the fun. Or negligence. Or both.)

Enough! Gentlemen! To your kegs, scooters, and slapping stations! Fetch your dimebags of weed and performance-enhancing substances! Prepare the open containers, and hie thee to a club of convenience to begin the fightin in said club! The Fulmer Cup is open for business. Let the accounting begin.

Masters of Fulmer Cup Nano-engineering. Georgia continues to add to their total in baby steps. Points to be assessed in an entry later today, but the reported footage of the barfight suggests that the action was fast, furious, and ended the way all barfights should.

Peter points the way to archived preseason college football polling records, which after 1985 seemed to firm up in the department of not having unranked teams popping up to steal a national title from the aristocracy of the perpetually ranked. (See: Imaginationland BYU ‘84 team.)

The average? The eventual national champion since 1985 was, according to extremely detailed statistical analysis performed by a Georgia Tech graduate, ranked 6.28th. If this proves anything, it proves that the the real lesson here is that the AP’s apartheid-esque policy against decimal points in ranking will only continue to make them look like imbeciles in the long run.

(If you would like a more statistically favorable manner of losing your money than gambling on college football’s eventual national champion, we suggest roulette horse racing, or anything else at all besides NASCAR betting, which is even dumber. Better yet, take your money and just send it to us at EDSBS, P.O. Box 281, Noah Brindise Place, Kandahar Afghanistan 28828.)

Tony Barnhart is out at the AJC. The south’s best sportswriter, Tony Barnhart, takes the buyout from Cox to leave the paper, no doubt for meatier bones offered by ESPN. Heh RTWT MSM BOO insert other blog cliche here INDEED. Of special interest: Furman Bisher was paid off in his his currency of choice–barter–and Terence Moore was retained, as was Mark Bradley, meaning Atlanta has the brainless two-headed experimental Russian dog of sports columnist we so richly deserve at our terminally-ill daily.

Can we invest in someone else’s life insurance policy? Richard Tuitu’u, Arizona’s only experienced tackle, just quit Arizona State’s football team. The combined 22.8 neocortical neurons of Rudy Carpenter’s brain cells just filed a blanket petition for asylum in “the country of wherever men in helmets killing us in huge numbers aren’t, please.”

Eat an entire casserole–um, sorry, that’s hot dish–by yourself. Then run sprints up and down your driveway until you vomit. Then have your closest Yanomamo neighbor fire a stinging plug of the powerful hallucinogen ibini up your nose with a blowpipe, and then place a sack full of live, buzzing horseflies on your head.

Then, listen to this. Or just listen to it. You could probably get the same effect without all the preceding nonsense…but like Billy Dee Williams and good times without Colt 45…why take the chance? (HT: The Wiz.)

Arkansas bumps up four for their DUI charge for Marques Wade this weekend, a reminder that if you are going to drive drunk, be sure not to break serveral standing rules on top of the basic law you’re already breaking, e.g. being tanked, underage, and almost hitting a cop. It’s one thing to rob a bank; it’s another to do it while double-parked and driving on expired tags while smoking indoors, sir.

Oregon picks up two points for linebacker Kevin Garrett’s DUI this past weekend. “There was resistance,” said a local policeman regarding the arrest, but after the B-52s were called in and little bit of cleanup work followed from the Predator drones, Garrett simmered down and went along with it. imagine, recruit: your personalized comic book could include a testy DUI!

Mizzou receives a correction for one point left off of their tally for Jeremy Burge leaving the scene of an accident after hitting a mailbox. Don’t ever, ever cross the USPS. They will find you, son. They will. And when they do…you will wait in line as one cashier works and three others fiddle with their autoscales. Welcome to hell, Jeremy Burge. You should think about this next time you try to run over an innocent mailbox.

Kentucky picks up one point for their third-string qb getting into a fight outside of a Lexington restaurant. Following the arrest of qb Curtis Pulley this past weekend, Kentucky’s only recent arrest-free qb, Brian Mike Hartline, got baked, put in an old copy of Interstella 5555 and ate an entire quart of ice cream just because he could. I’m not in jail, right? Captain Starter’s having a little in-house oven action, okay? Ssshhhhhh. This is my favorite part. The part with the guitar ship. YEahhhh NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

South Carolina has one point go up in smoke due to the dismissal of simple marijuana possession charges against Dion Lecorn. What do you mean, ‘Where’s the weed?’ (Cough cough cough cough…)

This is Alabama’s to lose. Mizzou and West Virginia are both right there, but Jimmy Johns, touted as a championship-caliber player coming into Bama, may have proved to be just that–albeit, in ways they never could have expected.

Drop a whiny hipster bitch like ourselves stuck in the middle of Ybor City in Tampa at night, and there’s two responses: attempt to cover the sorrow on your face at the horde of fashion victims and future Applebee’s ejectees (”I’ll fucking fight you all! No one said there was any limit on 2-for1 daquiris!”) attempting to reproduce, or down the first eight alcoholic beverages you can find, dive into the worst club playing the worst music, and jump up and down to “Crazy Bitch” all night. Get it? They’re talking about you, baby! I’ll show you where the tribal armband tattoo connects to back at the condo! More jager over here, boss! YO BRAH I’M TALKING TO YOU!

If you’re Vandy running back Jermaine Doster, and you happen find yourself in the petty bourgeoisie rut-gutter that is Ybor, you take option three, one we should look into next time: fighting strangers for no clear reason at all.

According to arrest reports, Doster, 20, was charged with disorderly conduct, criminal mischief and obstructing an officer without violence. Doster was escorted out of The Honey-Pot Bar by Tampa police and was asked to return to his vehicle and leave but failed to cooperate, in the process “causing such a commotion he caused a large crowd to gather.”

Initial score: 7. A proper public fit coupled with a superb name for the club, since the Honey Pot refers to a vagina! Get it! It’s a big pussy, but phrased in a cute manner! ROCK BRAH! Anywhere advertising itself as a “Vegas-type nightclub” ties its own noose, since hell is filled with Vegas nightclubs and New York gambling, and not the other way around. (Vegas is for two things: lolling in the death of Western civilization, and gambling. Other activities not recommended per Oswald Spengler and Orson Swindle.)

Doster bumps up his fit to an 8 on the scale of nightclub foolery, though, by pulling a classic move here:

As a result, he was taken into custody and placed in the back of a squad car, at which time he kicked out one of the rear windows, the report said.

Bobby Brown approves, though the urinating onto the backseat would have bumped this up to a potential 9 on the Brown scale. As it stands, the only real bonus Doster gets is three points in the Fulmer Cup, and a guaranteed bowl berth for Vandy. Write it down.

The dismissal of Charles Pugh from the Mountaineers this past week resulted from a stolen credit card charge. The arrest and subsequent dismissal of Evan Rodriguez from the team resulted from a misdemeanor assault charge. The combined arrests (three points for the felony credit card charge at least, one point for the misdemeanor battery charge,) put West Virginia just two points shy of Missouri for the Fulmer Cup lead, a mighty achievement given the Kanchenjunga of points the Tigers had amassed over the competition.

Charles Pugh’s mom, though, would like you to know that while her son was in fact involved in the credit card theft and use, he was not alone.

She said an unidentified woman mentioned in the criminal complaint against her son is a “very good friend” of his and that she used the cards to make several purchases, including women’s clothing and perfume.

“Everyone’s making it seem like he did all this, but from what I understand the name on the card is a woman’s name. How in the heck is Charles going to make all these purchases with a card with a girl’s name?” Viola said.

Viola clearly overestimates the vigilance of most cashiers, who would not be bothered with checking ID if a petite 5′2″ woman walked up and purchased $800 of clothes on a credit card belonging to a Mr. “Buttfuck P. Rogers.”

Marshall, completely outpaced by their in-state rival, pulls a pittance of a charge with a two point generic fighting charge. The link comes courtesy of 106.3x, the Tri-State’s rock station, which has Seven Mary Three’s “Cumbersome” ready to go for the NINTH TIME TODAY after this break! ROCK!

Dat boy outta doghouse, Thibodeaux! Photo by LSUFreek, of course.

Particularly helpful is the fact that no other qb on the LSU roster has so much as a hair of experience Perrilloux’s evident contrition and commitment to team principles. That’s the real driving force behind all of this, we’re sure.

Apologies and flailing attempts at accounting follow.

Buffalo’D! Colorado gets in some mountain man brawling, perhaps vibing a bit to ferociously off the instructions “YOU NEED TO GO OUT THERE AND HIT THEM IN THE MOUTH!” That is precisely what Colorado tight end Riar Geer did, as he should with an evil Norwegian hit man’s name like “Riar Geer.”

In an unrelated situation, Geer was arrested late Friday following a fight on The Hill in Boulder that evening. Geer allegedly punched two fellow CU students in the mouth during the altercation. One had to receive medical attention.

The other student required none, as dead men don’t make complaints. When Colorado football players weren’t punching people in the face this weekend, they were busy punching people in the face with rocks in their hands. Again, whatever rageahol enemas Dan Hawkins has them on are working wonders, as Lynn Katoa showed here.

Witnesses told police that a man, whom they reportedly identified as Katoa, �walked into the apartment, slammed one victim’s head into a wall, then hit another victim with his fist. There were some accounts that the suspect was holding a rock at the time.�

Combined with two prior arrests for Colorado and some negligent accounting on our part, that’s a total of nine points for the Buffs, broken down thusly:

–one point for minor in posssession
–one point for tomfoolery
–three points for Geer’s mouth punching assault charge
–three points for Katoa’s party-brawling
–one bonus point for Katoa feeling the need to allegedly punch someone with a rock in his hand.

Again, the Buffs sit at nine points, a good sign for those who’ve already got them winning the Big 12 North this year.

Sakerlina tags on another point for DB Mike Newton’s disorderly conduct charge, adding one point to the Cocks’ total. No details on the arrest yet, but given that it’s Columbia, the incident took place at Club (Insert Number here) or some place ending in the singular possessive “(NAME)’s.”

Alabama loses one of their points following the dismissal of Rashad Johnson’s disorderly conduct charges. The board erroneously reads eight, and should read seven. The error is mine, but don’t let it stop Auburn fans from reminding you that that’s a seven, which could be the number of times the Tigers beat Alabama in a row if the streak continues this year.

West Virginia collects five points in total for the arrest involving Noel Devine and four other WVU football players in a scuffle Chris Rock warned you against long, long ago:

Devine said he didn�t know why the individual, who he said he did not know, was threatening him but thought it might have been because one of his friends had stepped on his shoes.

It’s a cheapie FnDC charge for each, and Devine’s already copped to it, paid the fine, and is keeping a low profile. Still: five points for the ‘Eers, a total barely putting them on the board in this mad sprint of a Fulmer Cup chase.

Of course we counted something wrong. So leave your corrections in the comments, and we’ll get to them as soon as we stop watching Jim Cramer weep blood over the demise of his beloved Bear Stearns.