Ryan Perrilloux, the sixty million motherfucking dollar man suspended from the LSU Tigers for violating team rules, has been unsuspended by coach Les Miles. He hasn’t appeared in practice yet, but appears to be well on his way to escaping the purple and yellow air-conditioned doghouse complete with full wetbar, jacuzzi, and solid gold bathtub in Baton Rouge.
Dat boy outta doghouse, Thibodeaux! Photo by LSUFreek, of course.
Particularly helpful is the fact that no other qb on the LSU roster has so much as a hair of experience Perrilloux’s evident contrition and commitment to team principles. That’s the real driving force behind all of this, we’re sure.
THE BIG BOARD IS A COMPLICATED–damn you, Caps Lock. Apologies for the yelling. Sweetly, sotto voce.The big board this week is a crowded affair, reflecting the hectic activity of the past two weeks and readers’ insistence on properly counting things, something we struggle to do.
Apologies and flailing attempts at accounting follow.
Buffalo’D! Colorado gets in some mountain man brawling, perhaps vibing a bit to ferociously off the instructions “YOU NEED TO GO OUT THERE AND HIT THEM IN THE MOUTH!” That is precisely what Colorado tight end Riar Geer did, as he should with an evil Norwegian hit man’s name like “Riar Geer.”
In an unrelated situation, Geer was arrested late Friday following a fight on The Hill in Boulder that evening. Geer allegedly punched two fellow CU students in the mouth during the altercation. One had to receive medical attention.
The other student required none, as dead men don’t make complaints. When Colorado football players weren’t punching people in the face this weekend, they were busy punching people in the face with rocks in their hands. Again, whatever rageahol enemas Dan Hawkins has them on are working wonders, as Lynn Katoa showed here.
Witnesses told police that a man, whom they reportedly identified as Katoa, “walked into the apartment, slammed one victim’s head into a wall, then hit another victim with his fist. There were some accounts that the suspect was holding a rock at the time.”
Combined with two prior arrests for Colorado and some negligent accounting on our part, that’s a total of nine points for the Buffs, broken down thusly:
–one point for minor in posssession
–one point for tomfoolery
–three points for Geer’s mouth punching assault charge
–three points for Katoa’s party-brawling
–one bonus point for Katoa feeling the need to allegedly punch someone with a rock in his hand.
Again, the Buffs sit at nine points, a good sign for those who’ve already got them winning the Big 12 North this year.
Sakerlina tags on another point for DB Mike Newton’sdisorderly conduct charge, adding one point to the Cocks’ total. No details on the arrest yet, but given that it’s Columbia, the incident took place at Club (Insert Number here) or some place ending in the singular possessive “(NAME)’s.”
Alabama loses one of their points following the dismissal of Rashad Johnson’s disorderly conduct charges. The board erroneously reads eight, and should read seven. The error is mine, but don’t let it stop Auburn fans from reminding you that that’s a seven, which could be the number of times the Tigers beat Alabama in a row if the streak continues this year.
Devine said he didn’t know why the individual, who he said he did not know, was threatening him but thought it might have been because one of his friends had stepped on his shoes.
It’s a cheapie FnDC charge for each, and Devine’s already copped to it, paid the fine, and is keeping a low profile. Still: five points for the ‘Eers, a total barely putting them on the board in this mad sprint of a Fulmer Cup chase.
Of course we counted something wrong. So leave your corrections in the comments, and we’ll get to them as soon as we stop watching Jim Cramer weep blood over the demise of his beloved Bear Stearns.
LSU defensive monster Ricky Jean-Francois is allegedly related to Kimbo Slice. We mention this only to affirm your already solid suspicion that if he does not cheat on another test and makes it to the playing field this fall, RJF will be takin’ food off lawyas’ plates just like his horrifying alleged relative. Because remember: our ultimate nightmare is being locked in a dimly lit shipping container with Kimbo at one end, five thousand dollars and a ham at the other, and us in the middle.
No, sir. The money AND the ham are both yours. Really, please.
Bill Cowher is not going to be the head coach at Penn State…but only if you’re foolish enough to believe the words coming out of his chin, sucker:
“Put that to rest,” Cowher said firmly yesterday. “I’m staying here.”
Laschout.com got really, really excited over the slumber party allegedly had by Cowher and Penn State officials, who are looking for some way to beat creeping death to the punch and bump Paterno up to glorified fundraiser and cheerleader status before on-field turmoil, off the field turmoil, or death-induced turmoil when he drops dead on the field drives Penn State into failed state status.
And that’s just how icy we stay here, dear reader, because Joe Pa is a lot closer to applesauce time than he is to winning the Big Ten ever again, school officials know it, and everyone’s terrified of saying it out loud in public because it would mean that despite being the greatest coach of his generation, Penn State officials ultimately judge him by his utility in the present, not his happy memories of the past. Only Bill Belichick, Richard Dawkins, and Steven Leavitt are fine being exposed as naked utilitarians. Everyone else has gotta keep their inner bastard on the down-low.
On the upside: it gives us an opportunity to post another fine bit of Mr2Cents’ work.
See? There’s work to be done yet.
Police and excessive force: like Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes, man. Steve Spurrier now gets to enter a new circle of hell as South Carolina football coach. This is the sixth ring, the one where you piss off the police department by suggesting that their time-honored methods of beating people bloody during arrests might be “excessive,” especially when it involves one of your football players. Spurrier does have one nice thing on his side in the debate over the treatment of Kevin Young, Gamecock football player: witnesses.
Kevin McCrarey, a co-host on the South Carolina News Network’s SportsTalk show, said he was leaving a nearby bar around 1:30 a.m. when three or four officers ran by him on Harden Street. McCrarey said he saw an officer repeatedly punch one of the combatants, whom he later learned was Young, in the head with a closed fist.
“I think his rights were violated. Just because you get in a fight … he got beat up by police. I really believe that,” McCrarey said. “I don’t know police procedure, but the guy from behind was just swinging. He must have thrown 10 or 15 punches. Then they got him down, and they were still hitting him.”
Wait for Spurrier to be arrested with a pound of heroin and five unregistered firearms on his passenger seat in the next three days after being pulled over for “a busted tail light.” Though in reality, sexiness as unbridled and irresistable as Spurrier should have been arrested long, long ago.
First, in factual news: LSU QB Ryan Perrilloux has been cleared of any wrongdoing in an incident at the Varsity in Baton Rouge this past Friday, and will be allowed to play in this weekend’s game versus Alabama. Linebacker Derrick Odom, however, will be charged with something later today and then dismissed from the team.
This all comes from WJBO, and is likely close to factual. We’d like to think this account of what happened at the Varsity is just as factual. However, this is the internet, and like Ed Orgeron taking off his shirt and challenging everyone on the Ole Miss football team to fight, it’s at the very least truthy enough to repeat. So remember: it’s not fact, but it’s fact-esque. And that’s awesome enough for us.
Concussed? Sure. Scurred? Hell no, and loving it.
Saturday night, one of the LSU football players was “performing” (rapping) at the Varsity (LSU had a bye last week). So naturally, a lot of the team showed up in support. Xavier Carter, who has found some trouble when hanging out with Odom and Perriloux in the past, was also at the bar that night. Apparently, one of the bouncers there had gotten into a fight with Carter a few years back. There were a few words between the bouncer and Carter, but things eventually died down between the two. However, Odom didn’t want to let things die down. So he’s running his mouth and starting shit with the bouncer as well. Perriloux is there, not stopping things but not backing down either.
At the same time, there were a bunch of local mixed martial arts guys having a party upstairs at the bar. One of these guys was friends with the bouncer, and the next thing you know, you have MMA guys and football players talking shit. From what I heard, the testosterone was through the roof, as you can imagine. So the night ends and they’re kicking people out, and the MMA guy and Odom end up in the parking lot, where the fight breaks out. Needless to say, the MMA guy beats the dogshit out of Odom. Perriloux was supposedly the one who threatened to go get a gun, but when you’re getting your ass spanked by a bunch of steriod junkies who fight for a living, what other choice do you have? (Besides not fighting to begin with, but that’s when you lose street cred, and next thing you know you’re getting raped in prison. And Odom ain’t no punk bitch).
Nope. He may be a menace to public safety and squanderer of a football scholarship to a fine university, but when you willingly take on someone with a neck like watermain and visible backne, you, sir, are no punk bitch. Thick-skulled? Possibly retarded? Cursed with an acute lack of understanding of applying force to the tender, breakable parts of a body in an disciplined rapid fashion? Yes.
Punk bitch, though? No, sir. And Derrick Odom may take that “not punk bitch” status and leave the LSU Tigers holding it proudly. Street value=0$, and exactly several million less than an NFL draft pick’s signing bonus.
We have a lawyer we can call at 2:45 a.m. in our cellphone. We have several, actually, mostly because everyone we knew went to law school, a sort of advanced youth camp for adolescents that only costs 20-30K a year and involves learning unlearning the English language and playing golf. The conversations usually run something like this:
O: dOOd.
Lawya: d00d.
O: I just watched Pathfinder. Vikings rool. Ahm drunk.
Lawya: Going back to bed now.
O: fuck you!
Lawya: (Click!)
This may be the first thing we have in common with Ryan Perrilloux, who was allegedly beaten up along with linebacker Derrick Odom at The Varsity in Baton Rouge. You don’t party with your pregnant girlfriend? Playa, shine up and get the lady out the house once in a while. Even pregnant ladies can crank dat.
According to a police report, bouncers at the Varsity claimed they were forced to escort LSU football players Perrilloux and Odom outside the club after they refused to leave. Parish law says bars must close at 2 a.m. Bouncers also said several subjects made statements that they would leave and come back with guns.
Perilloux and Odom told police they were unfairly treated by the bouncers, and that the bouncers shoved them and their pregnant girlfriends out of the club. No charges have been filed and no arrests have been made.
Odom, previously involved in a fracas at an apartment complex, also posted this following whatever happened on Friday night at the club on his Facebook page on Saturday morning according to the LSU Reveille.
Odom’s public profile on Facebook, an online social network, featured a status message early Saturday morning that may have alluded to the situation.
“Derrick is sayin the fight dont end til u die BITCH,” Odom apparently wrote at 8:02am.
Odom updated his page just minutes later with another message.
“Derrick is trippin on how these fools try to run up on u behind ya back when they know they cant fuck wit u 1 on 1 but he got something that will shut all that shit down,” he wrote at 8:05 a.m. Saturday.
He has to be referring to sterling conflict resolution skills, in which case he can apply to law school and kill two birds with one stone for Perriloux, being both his lawyer and his, um…lawya. Miles is holding both out of practice pending some investigation and clarification regarding the incident, but remember these three things from the incident:
1. Ryan Perriloux has a lawyer he can call at 2:45 a.m.
2. Even if you are a pregnant lady, you can get tossed out of a Baton Rouge club.
3. Never, ever Facebook at 8 in the morning following a night of clubbin’. Even if the fight dont end til u die BITCH.
The big board, where much changes but like sound and fury, it signifies nothing. A passel of updates, corrections, and 100% more guaranteed errors following the big board. (HT, again, to Brian.)
“…a litany of charges, including driving while impaired, failing to stop after an accident, assault by pointing a gun, carrying a concealed weapon and simple assault.”
A litany! Yea, a veritable litany of charges, we say. Tauilili did add the Duke touch by pointing not a real gun at the accuser, but rather an air pistol. (Ronnie Wilson is ashamed of you, sir. Be bear, be grizzly.) In response, Ted Roof wept and suspended his leading tackler from 2006 until things can be sorted out in the case, which earns at least eight points for the Blue Devils.
Texas tacks on three more points to a strong tally, which may not be fully tallied above due to a gross mathematical error on our part last-minute change in scoring. Freshman defensive tackle Andre Jones was arrested on a felony robbery charge August 3rd for allegedly participating in a hold up in Austin. His attorney claims the whole thing is a case of mistaken identity, and urged law enforcement officials to actively pursue a suspect who “looked a lot like a bigass dude named Andre, but most definitely not Andre Jones.”
Three points to the Longhorns. The eyes of Texas law enforcement are upon you all the livelong day.
If Dan Hawkins likes tougher players, then he’ll want to clarify with genus and species of “tough” he would prefer: (more…)
This week’s big board appears below. Notes, corrections, and a whole slew of embedded updates follow:
UTEP may not catch Illinois, but do not blame the lack of effort as the reason why they’ll fall short of a Fulmer Cup title. The Miners score 13 points in their debut on the board thanks to a right cracker of an FnDC incident, complete with vivid, rarely cited charges like “assaulting a public servant” and “attempting to take an officer’s weapon.” Teamwork got them here, people: five players earned charges in all, with Tufick Shadrawy and Brian Wilkins earning the lion’s share of the gold strike themselves.
Minnesota is already getting more exciting under new coach Tim Brewster–exciting like a wacky Euro-sex party with your close friends Mystikal and Andrew Lauder! Minnesota’s had some kind of nasty sexual assault case brewing for a while, yet the arrest of Dominic Jones for probable cause of criminal sexual misconduct has no apparent connection to the past allegations of third degree sexual assault earlier this spring.
Minnesota picks up four for what in essence is a rape charge. Jones is being held in the Hennepin County Jail without bail, which is not a good sign for him.
Finally, we award one point for weed possession to South Carolina, whose recruit Quintin Richardson may earn a point as he’s currently enrolled at SC and therefore eligible for Fulmer Cup points despite never having strapped on a Cock helmet for South Carolina. Richardson was picked up following a report of shots fired at an apartment complex. A police search ensued, and Richardson was found Holden Caulfield. William Holden. You know what we mean, man.
Richardson may also want to avoid the apartment complex altogether–this is the same apartment complex where Richardson was stabbed last month in an fight over a lady. Hell, we avoid towns where we’ve gotten bad roast beef sandwiches–stabbing would certainly do the trick as far as blacklisting a spot on our daily rounds.
This week’s big board includes the mysterious and possibly large score made by UTEP this week, represented by question marks. As with the question mark boxes in Super Mario 3, hit it with your head and see what happens! You may turn into a flying raccoon, grow to twice your normal size, or get the special Gallon of PCP bonus.
The addenda, errata, and apologies follow below:
Notes:
Arkansas State falls from the big board due to the dismissal of all charges against players following a ROOOOOOOOOOLLLL BOUNCE! roller skating fracas. We can’t find a link, presumably because the Arkansas court system is clogged solid with cases involving FOIA requests for Houston Nutt’s cell phone records. Should someone find one, please send it or way hyah?
UTEP’s got serious points coming based on the involvement of several players in a bar brawl so big it could have come straight out of a John Ford Western. (Haymakers for everyone!) Police arrived at the scene early Sunday morning to what they described as “a large fight,” and began arresting anything that hadn’t already been thrown into a wagon wheel chandelier, tossed down the length of the bar, or punched into the watering trough by a burly cowpoke. The impressive list of charges follows:
Isaiah Carter, 17, a freshman linebacker from Converse, Texas, was charged with public intoxication; Damon Cromartie, 20, a sophomore defensive back from Riverside, Calif., was charged with disorderly conduct; Tufick Shadrawy, 20, a sophomore wide receiver from Arlington, was charged with assault on a public servant, attempt to take weapon from peace officer and interference with public duties; Brandon Thigpen, 17, a freshman defensive back from Moreno Valley, Calif., was charged with public intoxication; and Brian Wilkins, 20, a sophomore linebacker from Tustin, Calif., was charged with assault on public servant, resisting arrest, search or transport and interference with public duties.
That’s looking to be somewhere in the neighborhood of a powerful 12-14 point surge, proving once again that Mike Price’s teams know how to score points in a hurry. Points pending difficult differential equations needed to calculate properly.
USF RB Mike Ford keeps USF’s ever-growing profile on the swell in the Fulmer Cup, as well, earning himself a contempt of court arrest for ignoring three outstanding warrants, which sounds pretty contemptuous to us. One warrant? That’s mere disdain. Two warrants constitutes snootiness. Three? Contempt, sirrah. One point for USF, who earns it but can’t make it onto this year’s diversified and competitive board.
Ronnie Wilson, best remembered as the hopefully former Gator lineman who pulled an AK-47 from his trunk to “scare” a man who followed him out of a Gainesville nightclub a few months back, has finally been formally charged for the offense. The tally:
State Attorney Bill Cervone said Thursday that Wilson has been charged with one count of battery and one count of discharging a firearm in public. Gainesville police had recommended Wilson be charged with a felony count of aggravated assault and a count of using a firearm in the commission of a felony.
Don’t blame the nefarious tentacles of Florida boosters for the reduction in charges–blame Florida’s TOTALLY AWESOME and tourist-friendly “Shoot First” law, specifying that a person may “use force, including deadly force, against an intruder or an attacker in a dwelling, residence or vehicle under specified circumstances; creating a presumption that a reasonable fear of death or great bodily harm exists under certain circumstances…â€
Wilson, for the record, is 6′3″, 316 pounds. His lawyer better hope the “threat” in the case is big–like, Nikolai Valuev-sized kind of big.
Didn’t you play the part of a Persian in 300, dude?
Wilson is not currently enrolled in classes, but “would like to remain at UF.” Urban Meyer will conclusively kick him off before the judicial hearing in August, and thus assert himself as a disciplinarian! It’s opposite day yay!
Ahem. He’ll totally be back and in the starting rotation by November when he gets his conditioning back. We’re already resigning ourselves to this inevitable and sad fact of having a Lou Holtzian coach. Stop looking at us like that–we suddenly feel…threatened…(reaching in trunk…)
Police say Purify and a friend were denied admittance by a doorman at a Lincoln bar Saturday night.
Later Saturday night, at a different bar, the Alley Bar, 1031 M Street, police say Purify saw the same doorman and confronted him.
Police say Purify threw a punch at the man. Police also say Purify also assaulted the man’s girlfriend when she intervened.
You tell the manager that Maurice Purify is going to eat…his…family!
Total: seven points for Nebraska, whose coach Bill Callahan is “very concerned” about the incident.
At least his players aren’t running naked around the halls, or god forbid roller-skating naked through them. That would be real trouble. (We don’t see any football players in there, but given the pictures and alleged pictures of Notre Dame quarterbacks that have been floating around recently, we’d believe it if you told us one was in there.)
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How will Ryan Perrilloux finish the season?
Complaining about the weakness of his drink at the Baton Rouge Hollywood Casino's $5 blackjack table. (48%, 718 Votes)
Hiding from the federales in a culvert outside of Oaxaca. (18%, 270 Votes)
Running a black market arms/currency exchange in Equatorial Guinea. (12%, 178 Votes)
Tossing his third pick of the game in the Independence Bowl. (11%, 160 Votes)
Standing on the Rose Bowl fifty with a trophy and fists full of fake bills. (11%, 159 Votes)
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About us
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
Concussed? Sure. Scurred? Hell no, and loving it. 
Perrilloux, sit down, have a drink.
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