This week’s update brought to you by Brian, whose mighty bait ‘n tackle could dig the Euphrates River Valley as Enkidu’s once did, or as Reggie Nelson’s certainly could if it weren’t already busy slapping bitches dead in the NFL. The home stretch means sirens, people. Two of ‘em, actually.

South Carolina, What! South Carolina Gamecocks defensive end Clifton Geathers went to Club Ice early Sunday Morning. Why? Because Club Ice is on Lady Street, and that’s where ladies are. (That is a real photo from Club Ice, btw, and a reminder that though you may look drunk in a photo, you will look eight hundred times more drunk with redeye.)

Then Clifton Geathers got hero-drunk and did what heroes do when they’re drunk: he looked for a dragon to slay, or failing that, a security detail to scuffle with as a 6′8″, 281 pound man. EPIC MUGSHOT WIN after the jump: (more…)

Mangino is impressed by the teamwork. Sometimes a bar fight does wonders for team chemistry, a lesson easily picked up by watching The Replacements or any other sports movie where, in lieu of detailing the boring grind of establishing characters and chemistry, the team simply gets into a tremendous sprawling tavern melee. “When did you come together as a team, Star Playerguy?” “Well, probably when I threw that chair at a man, missed, and hit a defenseless woman in the face.” CUE SUCCESS MONTAGE AND FIVE GAME WIN STREAK IN 45 SECONDS.

Kansas reserve offensive lineman Jose Rodriguez helped his brother Cesar, a former KU lineman, remove a patron from the bar at 2 a.m. Saturday as part of their job as bouncers at the Cadillac Ranch, and must have been quite aggressive about it: both were booked for aggravated battery, giving KU three points in the Fulmer Cup for the transgression. Footage of the incident may be viewed here.

The Cadillac Ranch gets excellent reviews, by the way.

Greasy? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, VATO? [/thrown through plate glass window by huge lineman. again.]

E-i-e-i-oh. James McDonald had a beer, e-i-e-i-ho. And with this beer he had a shot, e-i-ei-oh. With a beer shot here/and a roadblock there/here’s a cop/there’s a cop/everywhere a cop cop/Two points for a DUI, E-i-e-i-D’OH.

The title of this post is meant to be humorous: of all the positions you want behind you in a fight, quarterback is the last of them. They’re valuable, they’re often man-pretty, and they’ve spent so much of their playing lives being protected that they not only don’t like being hit but more often than not throw punches with the effectiveness of an enraged Brian Sutherland. It should also be noted that this entire competition would be bullshit if Freddie Kitchens were around, because that man could displace force like no one could:

Left with the sad crop of mortals we have, here are the SEC’s quarterbacks ranked by their ability to perform well in a barfight.

12. Jonathan Crompton, Tennessee. Too slow to even compete here. What kind of slow? That kind, really. Which kind, you ask again? Oh, take the whole spice rack of whatever slow means to you. It’s all there.

11. Tim Tebow. Too pacifist by far, though he can certainly take punishment. Also, though you’d think bolts of divine lightning would probably level everyone arrayed against him, you’d be surprised at how far out on a limb the Lord will leave you no matter how much he loves you. Best to avoid getting caught in a gory Biblical plotline and pick someone else for a wingman in case a Kentucky Hailstorm breaks out one boozy night. Also: probability of Tebow being in a bar, much less one your ass is sitting in? Low.

10. Ryan Mallett, Arkansas. The good news: he will at least be comfortable in a bar. (more…)

The Southwest will be your rich bowlful of ranch dressing with red pepper in it today; feel free to dip a faux-TexMex monstrosity like an egg roll full of taco stuffin’s into it for savory Fulmer Cup flavor.

Come, let us eat the traditional eggrolls of my people and celebrate peace together with our tribe’s 2 for 1 daquiris.

Your appetizer: The arrests of two New Mexico football players for Fightin’ ‘n Da Club, bringing two points to the UNM Lobos and rounding out what has been a stellar beginning to the Mike Locksley era there.

The main course is the double arrest of UTEP players Daniel Palmer and Nick Sampson, who beat up a roving stereo salesman in an El Paso parking lot after one dared the other to punch the man, and then take the stereo. (more…)

Pitt redshirt senior Adam Gunn earned the rare sixth year of eligibility from the NCAA after suffering a broken vertebra in his neck on a hit against Bowling Green. The helmet-to-helmet collision gave him a concussion and a fracture of the C-5 vertebra in his neck, eventually requiring surgery to fuse it to the C-4, put Gunn in a neck brace, and file the appeal for extra year.

Gunn may have decided to begin this second chance at football and a senior year as a starting linebacker by running headlong into the arms of the police and tackling an impressive array of charges: resisting arrest, failure to disperse, disorderly conduct, and public drunkeness, all done on Sunday morning in what reeks of a FnDC/Nightlife Decathlete case. As all are misdemeanors, so it’s four more points for Pitt, a school making a di-dangity-dang-dang strong run in the offseason-long barfight of the Fulmer Cup.

ps. Bonus fun comment from Pitt Sports Blather!

keep getting in trouble guys – anything to get the wannstache fired! Please!

So…cold…at…this…thought…no…Wannstache….in…life…we actually shudder at the thought of this happening. Pitt fans might not, but life without the Wannstache seems like a poorer, less macho place to be.

This week’s Fulmer Cupdate is sponsored by the Hawaii Board of Tourism, who reminds you that if you have to collapse and crawl across a finish line while soiling yourself and stinking of ammonia, why not do it in paradise? It is brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

Hawaii: Also Reminding You That You Probably Won’t Get Sexually Assaulted While You’re There. Ball State is probably your true leader at this point thanks to the seven-point indictment of JoPierre Davis, the cornerback whose nine point score just got a lot, lot bigger. That nine? It’s going to get larger, meaning JoPierre’s charges are the sole score for the Warriors, and thus eligible for the Ellis T. Jones award for outstanding achievement.

Now, if someone else on Hawaii gets frisky and decides to begin groping strangers willy-nilly, then we’re talking about an eligible team. However, it’s not fair to put a team in the lead with just one guy pulling all the weight, feloniously speaking. We have to track down which ones of these counts are felonies and misdemeanors, but when the charge “third-degree promotion of a detrimental drug” is a tiny extra on your list of misdeeds, you did something to piss off the D.A. properly.

I’m not a cop ha yes I am funny game that way. Relationships are important. This is why you never let a good weed dealer out of your life, and you never, ever, whore around your pharmaceutical dollar on the streets. Ladi Ajiboye, South Carolina defensive lineman, earns the Cocks two points for attempting to buy weed off an undercover cop, something he wouldn’t have had to do if he just hadn’t let that special if often late person out of his life. Lessons: life will teach them to you, even if you’re too high to remember them at the time.

Your Second DUI Is Just When You’re Getting Good At It. Pitt WR T.J. Porter decided to go a-motoring after having a few old-fashioneds while giving his driver the night off, starting an evening of festive driving in a manner disturbing to most of the residents of Toad Hall. This being his second offense and done on a suspended license (a gentleman cannot be expected to keep up with such details as petty paperwork), Porter was suspended from the team, and given a commoner’s charge of DUI (two points,) driving on a suspended license (one point,) and a bonus point for getting two DUIs in a year and being unfairly martyred for driving whilst in a blissfully relaxed state. Total of four points deeded to the Pitt Panthers. Behave, knaves.

Bayou Brawlin’. Finally, five points to the La. Tech Bulldogs for one felony battery charge, one assault charge, and one disorderly conduct charge in a fight of some sort at Rabb’s Steakhouse in Ruston. As long as the guys didn’t cause the cancellation of Zoso, the Led Zeppelin Experience this coming Thursday, all is forgiven.

From the To Hell With Your “Geography”, It Rhymes Department: It’s too early yet to call this an Ellis T. Jones-caliber spree, but if the police reports hold up, Hawaii’s JoPierre Davis has the early lead in this offseason’s leaderboard of horrors.

Photo via a preseason Honolulu Advertiser article referring to Davis as a “bruising junior from San Francisco”. You don’t say.

Putting this together…since late September, the happy-go-lucky Davis has allegedly:

—Sexually assaulted a coed in her dorm room,
—stolen items from that same room,
—punched the same girl in the face months later,
—and a club employee who got in the way,
—and when finally arrested, was carrying weed.

That’s one count of burglary, one of sexual assault (maybe up to three, actually), potentially two more counts of assault, and possession.  Double digits for Hawaii, easily, but we’ll wait for the commish’s return to tally this one up—bonus points for sheer volume may be in the offing.

IN YOUR BIG ORANGE PANTS IT’S TIME TO DANCE!!! Regardless of whether the big man in Orange is there anymore or not, the Fulmer Cup retains both its name and scoring system for 2009. DANCE AND ELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF ANOTHER OFFSEASON!!!

MP3 File

The Fulmer (Memorial) Cup celebrates in Bronx Cheer fashion those in collegiate athletics most prone to testing the bounds of civil and criminal code with outlandish, illegal, and sometimes injurious behavior. If you’re joining us for the first time here: the Fulmer Cup awards points for programs based on charges filed against players from said programs, with the points going to a collective tally for each school.

This solves two problems with one stone: killing time during the interminable offseason, and determining the answer to the age-old message board question, “Is your football program geniunely more thuggish than mine?”

This humble website awards the points based on the rules, which are as follows, but with a few minor tweaks this season:

(more…)

This week’s extremely lively Fulmer Cupdate is brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson and just as fast with the returns for scores. Clarifications, corrections, and gross errors follow.

Arkansas bumps up four for their DUI charge for Marques Wade this weekend, a reminder that if you are going to drive drunk, be sure not to break serveral standing rules on top of the basic law you’re already breaking, e.g. being tanked, underage, and almost hitting a cop. It’s one thing to rob a bank; it’s another to do it while double-parked and driving on expired tags while smoking indoors, sir.

Oregon picks up two points for linebacker Kevin Garrett’s DUI this past weekend. “There was resistance,” said a local policeman regarding the arrest, but after the B-52s were called in and little bit of cleanup work followed from the Predator drones, Garrett simmered down and went along with it. imagine, recruit: your personalized comic book could include a testy DUI!

Mizzou receives a correction for one point left off of their tally for Jeremy Burge leaving the scene of an accident after hitting a mailbox. Don’t ever, ever cross the USPS. They will find you, son. They will. And when they do…you will wait in line as one cashier works and three others fiddle with their autoscales. Welcome to hell, Jeremy Burge. You should think about this next time you try to run over an innocent mailbox.

Kentucky picks up one point for their third-string qb getting into a fight outside of a Lexington restaurant. Following the arrest of qb Curtis Pulley this past weekend, Kentucky’s only recent arrest-free qb, Brian Mike Hartline, got baked, put in an old copy of Interstella 5555 and ate an entire quart of ice cream just because he could. I’m not in jail, right? Captain Starter’s having a little in-house oven action, okay? Ssshhhhhh. This is my favorite part. The part with the guitar ship. YEahhhh NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

South Carolina has one point go up in smoke due to the dismissal of simple marijuana possession charges against Dion Lecorn. What do you mean, ‘Where’s the weed?’ (Cough cough cough cough…)

This is Alabama’s to lose. Mizzou and West Virginia are both right there, but Jimmy Johns, touted as a championship-caliber player coming into Bama, may have proved to be just that–albeit, in ways they never could have expected.