Arian Foster is sorry he dropped your baby on his head. He would have held onto it, but it flew out of his hands while he was busy trying to catch the coffee he’d just dropped, which he paid for with money that slipped out of his hand while attempting to pay, which came from a wallet he also fumbled onto the pavement, which he dropped while thinking about the other cup of coffee he’d just dropped on a woman, staining her dress permanently, something he’d done while trying to hold a door for her, which he’d let slip and crash into her forehead, knocking her onto the pavement, where he’d dropped the coffee on her while simultaneously trying to catch her baby, who she had dropped because Arian Foster cannot hold onto things for longer than a second before his hands repel matter and send it crashing to the ground, because he is Arian Foster and has powers like that.

Fortunately, Dallas Baker came in, caught everything before it hit the ground, and saved the day.

Oh, they were so close to letting it slip from them, but a single incident of unpaid parking tickets qualified the USF Bulls for the Fulmer Cup team competition. That’s how teams function: even the smallest of players can, at the last moment, make a small contribution to block the extra point, open up a running lane, or get a driving on a suspended license charge to put USF into the Fulmer Cup race on a team basis, and thus nip the Hawaii Warriors in a low-scoring 18-16 tussle for the Fulmer Cup crown. Barrington was on the team and enrolled at USF at the time of the arrest, so the points stand.)

Sluggish scoring was partially to blame, but the aberration of USF’s title really comes as a tribute to the Ellis T. Jones Winner this year, Trent Pupello, the man who singlehandedly pistol-whipped USF into contention one fateful night in a parking lot. You can always blame Florida for the dubious honor of the crown, as Pupello was a transfer from Florida.

The Fulmer Cup is now closed until the cold, deathly embrace of the offseason reaches us again. Huzzah! Go in peace.

Thanks as always to Brian and SAS Wiki for keeping this going. ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS all around.

Please, Coach Richt. Sit down. Would you like a pillow? You would? That couch is awfully firm, I know. Yes, it probably would hurt your back if you slept on it. Ouch! What sleep number are you? A 27, you say? They go that high? Wow. You are a man of refined and delicate tastes, sir!

So I’m here to discuss the Florida Georgia game with you. That game in Jacksonville, yes. So you want it moved? Right? Because it’s…hot. Oh, you mean in this room, too? Yes, it’s somewhere around 75 degrees in here. You require an exact temperature of 74 degrees in order to not wilt? Really? Well, sure I guess we can do something about that. There, adjusted it for you. Gonna make it? Sure?

Okay! Let’s talk. You want to move the game to Atlanta because it’s hotter in Jacksonville, and because going to Jacksonville isn’t really playing at a neutral spot. (more…)

LSUFreek has one possible variation on the Tebow plaque:

Go Gator.

Mike Leach turned him into a newt! He’s weird and it scares us!

Suddenly, we remember why we hate the state of our birth:

Griffith also has this to say about Mike Leach: ” Mike Leach still has his name thrown around, but I don’t see it. No one is going to come into the SEC and win with Xs and Os – it takes talent, not gadgets.

And, I just don’t see Leach (47) being able to handle the level of scrutiny that comes with the UT head football coach job. It’s a regal position – hardly a post for someone with erratic and eccentric personality traits.”

Regal? What kind of simpering bootlicking shitkickers think of a football coach as necessarily regal? What’s more regal than the Texas Tech offense, the one that keeps quarterbacks clean, moves the ball, and scores more points than Tennessee’s ever scored in their most fevered, ham-scented dreams? Total gadgetry, just like the Urban Meyer offense.

Want to know what we hate about the state? That fucking attitude. Not even Alabama’s that stodgy. (more…)

Tensions eased between the United States and the People’s Republic of China this morning after a misunderstood wire story involving a Florida State football player and members of the Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity nearly caused an international incident between the world’s two remaining superpowers.

The chain of events was set in motion with the assault of Florida State wide receiver Taiwan Easterling at the Florida State Student Union in Tallahassee, Florida on Tuesday. Easterling, allegedly harassed for several days by members of the fraternity, fought back with the assistance of numerous teammates in a large brawl. The exact scope of involvement for the members of the football team is unclear at this point.

What is clear is that a mistranslation of the article caused immense havoc over the next 18 hours. Before the smoke cleared, the PRC had launched over 75 missiles into the Eastern Taiwanese seaboard, the United States Pacific Fleet had been put on full war footing, and the Phi Beta Sigma fraternity house lay in smoking rubble by an American commando team.

The Foreign Minister of Taiwan: “We regret the error, and any harm it may have caused.”

Shortly after 5:30 p.m. EDT, Taiwanese jets scrambled from bases around the island, according to military insiders. (more…)

That bear: it eats pizza. And sometimes coaches.

Art Briles used to coach at Houston and win games. He now coaches at Baylor, where he will–for one year at the least–lose tremendous amounts of football games. Briles is no rube: he’s clawed his way up from the petri dish in his coaching career, starting as an assistant at a high school and working his way alllllll the way up the coaching ladder. This will make and keep someone very, very humble, and Briles’ quote about spring practice certainly oozes that:

“First of all, we didn’t get anyone injured; that was our number one goal,” said Baylor head football coach Art Briles.

They’ve gone 7-33 the past five years, meaning they’ve had “not getting anyone injured” as the mission statement for a while now, coach. We are just discussing spring practice here, and we wouldn’t want to unfairly excerpt him. (We never do that.) Briles did get financial candy to move to Waco–a 1.8 million dollar contract will do that–but we wonder what kind of naked BASE-jumping while wrestling over a single chute with a Spetznaz assassin does Briles indulge in? The Baylor job is straight fiendish danger for coaches and their careers; Guy Morriss, calling from a high school, would like to reinforce this point vigorously.

Bullshit…fucking drop step….Bullshit go again…you’re fucking killing me…get off the fucking line with your left foot…

WE’RE FUCKING PRACTICING! Aw, shit couldn’t crack a fucking egg.

This is Jon Tenuta practicing at Notre Dame. You should watch it before they take it down. As they say at the beginning, it’s not suitable for children or work, just like most of the good things in life.

And now, a weirdass commercial from Judy Tenuta in 1989, who is of no relation and curses less that Jon.

(HT: Matt.)

Rich Rodriguez thought the first attempt to resign went so badly, well, he’d just try it again:

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — More than two weeks after he was sued over a $4 million buyout clause in his contract at West Virginia, Rich Rodriguez turned in a second resignation letter, claiming university president Mike Garrison reneged on a deal to reduce and possibly eliminate that clause.

Jeffrey Wakefield, the school’s attorney in the case, denied Friday that such a promise was made.

And that’s your story, essentially unchanged from day one: he said/we said. Oh, and your obilgatory, never piss off a West Virginian item of the day.

Ever have one of those days where you wake up convinced you’ve killed someone? Or robbed a house? And you’re covered in blood and lying naked in the park, a human femur lodged in your mouth? That’s precisely what every day is like for us.

Again? Dammit.

Therefore we welcome UCLA WR coach Eric Scott to the damn club, son. He probably woke up this a.m. and thought, “Man, did I allegedly break into a house yesterday and get arrested for burglary? Nah, that didn’t…oh, shit.” And like us in the park, he has to spend the rest of the day dealing with that fact (though fortunately for him, he’s likely clothed and doesn’t have to do the American Werewolf in London thing we have to do all the time. Do you know how few men in this world own a decent pair of 35 inch waist pants?)

The details are burbling up through the L.A. Times, and they’re not very flattering to Karl Dorrell and the hiring process at UCLA. Scott had priors, including a misdemeanor concealed weapons charge and a disturbing the peace charge. Both charges could and are easily picked up on a lively weekend, but they look worse than they perhaps should in light of this police report snippet:

Authorities said Scott was arrested with Jesus DeAlba, 23, and Timothy Williams, 23, Tuesday afternoon after deputies received a 911 call about a possible burglary in the 11600 block of Pioneer Blvd. in Norwalk, Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Dept. Sgt. Craig Harmon said.

“A neighbor saw the three suspects on the porch of a single-family home, then saw them force their way in,” Harmon said. “When deputies arrived, the three were seen walking from the location, and were found with property from the house they admitted to taking.”

Scott’s attorney issued this statement:

“From my preliminary investigation, it appears that a mistake was made by the Los Angeles Sheriff Deputies that should be cleared up within a few days. There is no evidence that any crime was committed by Eric Scott or anyone with him.”

Which is entirely possible–this is the LAPD we’re talking about here. Scott’s been placed on administrative leave for the time being while the charges are sorted out. Dorrell’s standing by his man, but at a safe distance of a few feet just in case this turns out to have merit. Scott’s been an inner-city recruiting force for UCLA–perhaps he just succumbed to that infamous inner-city pressure we’ve been hearing about.