Handler One: Ralphie, that’s a good girl.

Handler Two: Man, she’s flipping me out right now.

Ralphie: Trample. Kill. Ram. Trample. Gore. Crush crush trample. Fear. Two legs everywhere. Trample them all. Desperate hunger for grass. Kill.

Handler Three: We’ve got to go in two.

Handler One: Look at her eyes. It’s just one pit of black surrounded by white fear. God, that’s unnerving.

Ralphie V: Hunger. All that grass. Must crush, then eat. Sun. Buffalo in heaven. Demand blood. Ram. Stomp. Run. Kick. Destroy two legs.

Hander Two: Where’s Trey? He’s supposed to be here. We can’t do this with just three handlers.

Handler Three: We ready to go?

Trey, Handler Four: Hey, guys, when are we—AAAIIIIGGGHHHHH

Handler one, hanging on for dear life: OH GOD HER EYES HAAAAIIIIIILLLLLP!

Ralphie: OPEN SPACE RUN KILL.

Handler Four: My insides feels leaky and warm…I can’t feel…my…hands…

Handler One: I CAN’T HOLD ON JESUS CHRIST WHY THE HELL DO WE HAVE A BUFFALO THEY DON’T LIKE LEASHES!!!!

Dan Hawkins: Well done, boys! That’s a division one football mascot!

Ralphie: Sun. Grass. Trampled. Yes. Suddenly tired. Hungry. Stop.

Handler One: MY SHOULDER! OH GOD MY SHOULDER!

Hawkins: Can we get her to skydive onto the field? And then trample someone? That would be EPIC.

(HT: Rashaan Salaam)

The weather gets cold in the fall. It’s hard to believe this, considering we’re typing this from the last functioning PC in the scorched, waterless landscape of the Lost City of Atlanta. You’ll need sweaters, eventually, and when you do put one on…make it less Tressel, and more Song Girl in the style department.

Although the title of Ms. Universe went to Ms. Japan (which I thought was a travesty), we here at EDSBS believe that there are no losers in this wonderful competition. I mean, are you going to call Ms. Brazil as loser???? We sure won’t:

Miss Brazil Natalia Guimaraes

More worthy cheesecakery after the jump (more…)

On vacation…but you must love autoposting. And you must love Texas Gal for providing this boozy peek into the inner sanctum of a Texas fan’s lovesoul as the next chapter in our “How to Make Love to a ______ Fan” Series. Enjoy this and the rest of the Ladies work over at Ladies…if you dare.

How to Make Love to a Texas Longhorns Fan

Hello, darlin’.

I can tell by that special glint in your eye, that only appears once a year around the second week of October, that you’ve got two tickets to Texas-OU burnin’ a hole in your pocket, and you’re just itching to ask me to be your date for the weekend. I won’t sit in a guy’s SUV (with Ducks Unlimited sticker) for the three-hour drive to Dallas for just anyone, baby- you gotta put on your best burnt orange button down (bonus for pearl snaps), polish up your best belt buckle (not one of those icky big ones the cowboys wear- the pretentious kind with sterling silver shotgun shell caps, like the Texas Cowboys wear) and scuff up your oldest pair of Red Wings. I want you to go all out, like Roy Williams reaching for the end zone. You like it old school? Then I’m looking for a Priest Holmes level effort, sweetheart. (if you were looking for a Tyler Rose or James Street reference, my dear, you’re way too old for me.)

Looking for you to score like Priest Holmes.

Can I go ahead and request some Cory Morrow, Ragweed and Reckless Kelly for the drive? It’s mood music that will get me ready for our weekend of lovin’. I can’t wait to see the swank, $65 a night hotel you reserved for us for the weekend. (more…)

What: EDSBS LIVE online radio Click that or the banner thingy to your right to listen…if you want your brain exfoliated.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (which has gotten damn lively). To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600. We’re having real, live RADIO PROFESSIONAL PAUL FINEBAUM ON TONIGHT, just because we want to feel bad about ourselves. (Low self-esteem = more drinkz0rz yay!)

What: Tonight’s special guest is…Paul Freakin’ Finebaum, Alabama journalistic provocateur and current Saban-watcher. We’ll ask him if he’s interviewed Saban and find out if the new coach has had time for that shit or not.

We’re also going to talk USC football, the other goliath under discussion tonight, with Scout.com’s beat writer Garry Paskwietz, who will tell us how Pete Carroll gets those kickin’ abs.

Finally, we’ll have BearMeat’s creators on, since we can’t talk megaprograms without discussing…Baylor.

Finebaum: currently diagramming your next five outrages at him, Alabama fans.

Four Questions: As always, our four questions for the night.

1. Big program you really think deserves the awe. Texas. Something about the power of livestock compels us.

2. Big program which has caused you the most personal anguish.

FSU. The lone consistent brown streak in the clean white undies of the 1990s Florida story. We say consistent to rule out that little 1996 Fiesta Bowl thing ouch bleed thanks for the pain, asshole.

3. Little program you wish was a big program? USF. They’re on the way, but Tampa trash gone college gonzo would be just epic.

4. Name an overrated hottie. Kirsten Dunst is a sunken chested lamprey-woman. Why Spider-Man goes to any lengths to save her mystifies us. Personally, we’d prefer to fight for Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) from X-Men, if only because she looks a little too excited when Wolverine assaults her in the first one.

We’ve engaged in a joint venture with not one, but all of the LadiesDotDotDot crew. Better still, it’s an act of congress with six women our wife approved: a creation of an internet phenomenon involving no penetration or actual infidelity. We’re just that gangsta, ’scro.

The Ladies crew in conjunction with EDSBS have created the ultimate in playbook science: how to make love to a specific kind of sports fan. Since we’re all a little different, you need to know how to turn the corner on a toss sweep of a Volunteer fan’s panties, or turn a routine swipe of the bat into an inning-ending double play with a Red Sox fan. It’s knowledge the world needs, and we’re giving it to you cheap as free, internets dwellers.

The first installment? Our own unveiling of the intimate secrets of: HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A FLORIDA FAN, written by EDSBS Senior Gator Copulation Tactics Correspondent Orson Swindle. Holly and Texas Gal’s guides on how to make love to Texas and Tennessee fans will follow. That’s actual women writing about sex, and not the “women” you chat with on AOL who turn out to be state troopers.

How to make love to a Florida fan. Start by being Good Chris Leak, not Evil Chris.

Again, how you lived without this we’ll never know. Warning: contains sexual language of such a frank and unbridled nature that it would make Trick Daddy blush.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A FLORIDA FAN

Oh, Florida fan. You love scoring, and tonight I will hang fifty on you by halftime and have you begging for more. And that, Gator, will just be the start. (more…)

Putting your hands under center thousands of times makes you very comfortable with touching parts of men explored only by proctologists or intrepid girlfriends.

But after the rash of homoerotic quarterback photos that broke out yesterday, we thought the storm had blown over. Au contraire: being fair, we did miss one, pointed out gleefully by a certain Bulldog blogger after his own Matthew Stafford was captured spooning his backup (heh) qb at Talladega.

With that, we bring you Tim Tebow in nowhere near as incriminating a pose with an unidentified gentleman.

You’ve been Tebow’d. You’re welcome.

Possible explanations include:

–This man was dead only seconds earlier, healed by a lick from Tim Tebow’s life-giving tongue.

–Tim Tebow is winning a bet that he can inhale the man whole. He succeeded shortly after this picture, even inhaling a pool table along with him to give the man something to do while in his stomach. When he spit him back out, the man was Polynesian, thin, and could speak eight languages.

Another photo of Tim Tebow’s training methods follows after the jump.
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Hello, all my current Cowboys and future Cowboy-lovers. And I don’t mean like in Brokeback Mountain! Which I haven’t seen, by the way, because I think that would be gay. And the only drilling T. Boone’s doing these days is with the ladies, y’all. Heh!

Howdy. T. Boone here.

I’d like to thank you for giving me the opportunity to come out here and talk about the exciting new fundraising strategies we’re coming up with to help Oklahoma State continue to climb to the top of the Big 12, and hopefully into the national title picture. In addition to providing me with a dodgy and compliant accomplice of a tax shelter the personal satisfaction of seeing Cowboy football improve before my eyes, I’m also excited by the chance to innovate the way college athletics raises money.

You may already be familiar with T. Boone’s work with the “Gift of a Lifetime” program. (more…)

The NFL Draft is done, and experts now begin the long work of picking apart each team’s successes and failures. One day after most experts do agree on the two biggest surprises of the draft: the Miami Dolphins’ surprise drafting of Ted Ginn Jr., Ohio State wide receiver and kick returner, with the ninth pick of the draft, and Chris Berman’s reach for an unidentified blonde at the ESPNZone Manhattan Afterparty during the sixth round late Saturday night.

“It was an absolute shocker,” said Mel Kiper, Jr, who had Ginn going on the first day but not anywhere close to the top ten. “Cam Cameron thinks he’s getting the best offensive weapon on the board, but that’s a lot to spend for someone who’s basically your number three receiver and is coming in with an ankle injury.”

“And as far as Berman goes…well, that was shocking, too. He’s found better prospects than that in the past.”

Draft analyst Sean Salisbury agreed with Kiper’s assessment. “Miami really reached with that pick. Aside from Michael Griffin’s selection by the Tennessee Titans, it was undoubtedly the reach of the draft. And that chick Berman had on his lap? Like Larry “Bud” Melman with tits. Hey, have I shown you this picture of me on my cell phone?”

Fox Sports Analyst Kevin Landry echoed the shock within all camps regarding Berman’s picks. “I understand that things get a little fuzzy during the sixth round of any party, but that was surprising given Berman’s stellar past track record. She was thick in the lower body in the way you like, and her upper body was strong through the chest. But above the neck she had issues, and not in the way Brandon Meriwether does. A real reach, if you ask me.”

Project 119, the effort by one 23-year old lunatic to visit every D-1 college football stadium in America, brings us this silent, moving dispatch from Cincinnati.

College students+open gates+snow=penis shapes. Take that down in your notes, because this is science, dammit. (HT: Da Wiz.)

Trojan Haters’ Club–a site deserving praise for its clear mission statement, at least–has photos of USC’s swimming pool football fundraiser event thing, including salacious pictures of the Song Girls in swimsuits and the ubiquitous Will Ferrell in a Speedo. One should only give special mention when Ferrell has on pants, so long has he been reclaiming the male form in public. In fact, we’re pretty sure that most of the American public considers his hairy, lumpen paunch a close family friend now. He should consider selling ad space on it.

We’ll make you click through for the cheesecake since we didn’t find it. However, we’d like to point out that Pete Carroll is fucking ripped like a latter day Jack Lalanne. Someone’s been hitting the field greens and Pilates classes hard. Perhaps, though, those are the kind of abs one can only get from leaning out of helicopters on relief missions to Darfur, since Pete Carroll is a great humanitarian.

Either way, he looks better without a shirt off than we’ve ever looked with a shirt on. We salute you, Pete, and your Southern Californian Spartanity. You could be an extra in 300. On that note, we’re off to lunch. Mmm…fries with mayo.

Barbecue doesn’t build those cobblestones, sir: Pete Carroll gets ripped.

HT: Bill.

A cure for the case of the Mondays.

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Orson requested cheesecake, so, in honor of Betty La Fea’s big win, we give you a Golden Globe sampling:

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Tallahassee just got chestier: Chuck Amato, deposed head coach at NC State, will be rejoining the Seminole coaching staff as linebackers’ guru after his colorful sabbatical in NC. In addition to his mighty gazongas, Amato will be bringing his trademark red shoes and sunglasses to the Florida State sidelines, ensuring that Florida State will have the highest “totally unnecessary fashion accessory” quotient of any coaching staff in the land. This will surely assist them in efforts to recruit the finest safari-hat-wearing, goofy-footwear-lovin’ recruits in the land, a crucial demographic eluding Florida State recruiting efforts over the past few years.

Good FSU players love bad hats. It’s a matter of natural law.

Bowden went on to praise Amato’s return, saying “He’d missed his son, just like he misses all of them, whatever their names are.” When reminded that Amato is not actually related to them, Bowden appeared confused, angry, and then spoke about firing Amato for lying on his resume. FSU handlers then quickly dosed Bowden with applesauce injections, placed a Shelby Foote history in his hands, and hurried him away from the flashbulbs and press.

Kevin at Fanblogs is elated over the coaching staff changes, though, even if Amato, new offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher, and new offensive line coach Rick Trickett are all not in fact related to Bowden, a prior condition for employment at the university. (Don’t tell Bobby this. Seriously. You’ll have to crack out the applesauce gun again, and it’s not a pretty sight.) Rick Trickett brings an especially fresh perspective, since he’s got Florida State pulling offers from 340 lb. behemoths and opting for the lighter rhino-type lineman who can move and block simultaneously, an unheard-of practice in Tallahassee under the prior management.

(We remind you that Jeff Bowden will be paid Florida State money for sucking until the year 2012. Six figures of it each year, actually. This message brought to you by Base, Loathsome Human Power Dynamics, Ltd: Bringing Ugly Politics Back to Humanity since 1973.)

SMQ reminds us that despite an impressive degree of linebacking tutelage, Amato was also partially culpable for the Seminole Rap. Pay particularly close attention to John Brown, number 50. He’s the guy with the Farva mustache who bites a big wheel in the weight room and sports the Palm Beach wraparounds you normally see on tottering retirees praying for death. Ignore Deion–that Brown guy’s got, like, Bubba Sparxx style potential.

I like to stand ‘em up, and knock ‘em down.

Any holiday that comes during football season, and which involves candy and sexy costumes is alright with us. 

 

Throw in the mix the opportunity to show your school spirit with a pumpkin, and it is hard to beat. 

(HT: D. Brown)

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