The Daily Oregonian has a fun widget on making your own nightmare of an Oregon Ducks uniform, which is a fine way to kill ten potentially productive and therefore harmful minutes of your day. The only uniforms we’ve ever been truly appalled by were the “Iron Duck” unis, and that’s just because the iron-grip pattern on the shoulders looked dated and ersatz macho the minute it came off the presses. The all-whites, though? Stunning.

Whatever the combo, they can’t possibly beat whatever those gentlemen have had vomited up on them by the soccer rugby fashion gods. Egads, my lad, that will take a gang of penicillin, some prayer, and possibly a pressure washer to clean up.

I’ve already had one request this morning for “Tim Tebow Song,” a YouTube music video posted by a couple of enterprising Florida fans and currently spreading like chlamydia, no doubt, through cyberspace. After consulting my What Would Orson Do bracelet, I’ve determined that he would post it, if for no other reason than to torture you all like the filthy beggars you are. Herewith: “Tim Tebow Song.”

(Hat tip/blame: Senator Blutarsky, gouging out his eyes as we speak.)

Your patron saint of spicy living this week: Michael Caine, who when asked about starring in the abominable Jaws: The Revenge said: “I have never seen the film, but by all accounts it was terrible. However I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.” He also slept with Bianca Jagger in her prime, made Albert the Butler into a former Burmese guerilla-killing badass in Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies, said the best “bloody whore” in all of cinema in Get Carter,, and uttered the line “She’s in fine condition” while groping a young lovely in Alfie, and will beat your ass in a staring contest. Cheers, sir. To the living spicy-style…

Drink.

Holly: The Dark and Stormy. It’s summertime, and that means hurricane season for your poor livers. Batten down your hatches with this sweet-but-deadly combination of dark rum, ginger beer, and lime over ice. Make it with black Gosling rum or not at all. (And that’s ginger beer, not ginger ale. What are we, savages?)

Orson: The Rusty Nail.I know. It’s high blasphemy to actually tell scotch fans what you’re actually tasting when they pour you a tumbler full of something expensive that still tastes like fried badger assholes.

“Mmm, can’t you taste the peat? And the hints of caramel?” (more…)

Doc Saturday insists his choice of Kentucky football dance videos is more “Warholian,” but we were seduced from the minute the “More You Know” starburst effect flew across the page.

The addition of multi-armed Vishnu dancing is really just gravy. These masterworks are the work of Wildcat running back Moncell Allen, whose MySpace page confirms our suspicions of Allen’s genius. There are nine videos, and all are immortal works of genius to be emulated for generations to come. Miss them at the risk of making your life a poor, barren place devoid of love or imagination.

Syracuse teammates Jonathan Meldrum,  Bud Tribbey and  Josh White are suffering from an overabundance of charm (and, it appears, free time).  Kindly allow them to share a little of both with you, gentle readers.   Via Messrs. Nunes Magician, we bring you…we’re not entirely sure.

Ladies, shield your ovaries.  Gentlemen, cling fiercely to your wives lest they be led astray by its weapons-grade babymaking prowess.

(Before you ask: We will never tire of this photo. Ever. We pray to Football Jesus (there’s a separate one for football) every night that Zibby goes into coaching so we can post it once a week.)

Moving on: The combine, like childbirth, is a natural process, a rite of passage, and not at all creepy or gross. Nope:

With that, the player is ready to run. He peels away a pair of mesh shorts and the compression pair underneath reveal a set of quad muscles akin to a mountain ridge. [NorthJersey.com]

“In between workouts and class, I usually get a massage, have a chef come over to prepare meals, and different stuff like that,” said Freeman, an OSU senior linebacker. [The Lantern]

But what’s not true, he says, is the unavoidable association between Berkeley and marijuana — “Come on, man, you lived in Berkeley — tell the truth,” a scout reportedly said to Follett in an interview after he had denied ever smoking pot. [The Daily Cal]

“Everyone wants to talk about (Georgia’s) Matthew Stafford , I’ve been at camps and thrown with him,” Hoyer said. “But I feel like my arm is just as strong or just a little bit below his.” [Detroit News]

“[Loadholt] struggles to bend, and he struggles with any kind of elite speed. Orakpo ran by him all day long.” [Tulsa World]

�The doctor looks at my sheet and said, �Did you actually play?� I told him I was a long snapper. Yeah, I just snap and take a leisurely jog down the field.� [Freep]

Last night Central Michigan trotted out “Vegas gold” uniforms, an inapt name for any shade of gold in Las Vegas. (Unless you’re referring to the gold fingernail fungus that shows up when your immune system collapses in hour 72 of an 84 hour bender there. That’s about the same color.) It leaned more toward the urine end of the spectrum, and with yellow you go Oregon “banana attack” or nothing, in our opinion.

So, hope then that the Missouri Tigers, already a tad down over losing two games they thought they could win and thus only being kings of the 493 billion square miles of the Big 12 North, avoid the pissy overtones when they trot out the “golden” unis they’re rumored to be using against KU. The early projections are not…um…promising.

That’s close to nail fungus yellow there. Of course, go too far and you get into food colors, and Mangino food association quick offramp to fat joke yes let’s not go there we just did apologies.

You like your number one team to be a seam-ripping behemoth unstoppable in all phases of the game. Sadly, you do not always get a Leviathan, fanboy, another example of reality foiling your preferences fo unstoppable tyrants in sport. Sometimes you get USC 2004, and sometimes you get Ohio State 2002, and sometimes you get the jalopy-borne asskick machine that is Alabama 2008.

This year’s Alabama team will not blow doors on anyone offensively, and is officially Krenzel-bad in terms of the passing game (100th nationally; in their 2002 run, tOSU ranked 92nd.) Auburn sits one spot higher in terms of total passing offense than the Crimson Tide, who have been a run-first sledgehammer on offense, pulverizing early and often with the run, playing field position, and asking John Parker Wilson throw a few fades and play-action passes along the way.

When your defense allows 13.1 points a game, you can afford to be cromagnon-compatible on offense. (more…)

The non-royal we are both viewing games with actual corporeal humans to-day, so y’all are on your own until our egos are through writing checks our bodies can’t cash.

Rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team. By all means, enjoy yourselves.

…and Notre Dame loses. Did the NDSP waterboard any kids holding beers? If no, then WHY NOT?