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Linda Cohn has managed to pull flowers from fallow soil, and for that she needs to be congratulated: a female sportscaster who did not play the giggling yes-girl to her male co-hosts, a solid writer in her own right, and someone who has survived her fortieth birthday without being thrown into the volcano as many television news women are. (For further explanation of this rule, see the “Guido’s Harem” scene from 8 1/2. It explains everything, and features Marcello Mastroianni in a bowler hat wielding a bullwhip.

She’s very good at her job, and we respect her immensely. We have to. We’re what a feminist looks like.

That said, HEY LOOK HER BOOBS!!!

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The pep talk returns next week; that’s worth a viewing of the latest Dr. Lou alone. (HT: Brian.)

It’s doubly worth it for Lou’s unparalleled trash talking, which he’s more than happy to say right to your face:

“All of those orange fans up there. I would say to our players, they wear orange so they can cheer for their team. They’ll wear the same orange outfit tomorrow to go hunting. And they’ll wear the same orange outfit the last five days of the week in order to pick up trash.”

Lou Holtz’s longevity as a coach can only be explained by the well-calibrated periodicity of his sanity rating. Listen to him for two minutes, and you’re convinced he’s a raving madman; go five minutes, and you’re reconvinced of his essential sanity, but then wait another ten and you’re back wondering whether someone just dropped tabs of mescaline in his coffee. That’s precisely how he survived, by being just mad enough to convince people that he was too scary to fire, but just insane enough to outcrazy the opposition.

Mark May shouldn’t fear him at his most animated, but should fear him when he’s at his calmest, since like an angry dog he’s only going to bite you when the tail stops wagging and he gets very, very serious. And by that we mean he will bite Mark May on camera soon, and when it happens you will applaud like spring-loaded monkeys.

There are approximately nineteen games of wildly varying degrees of significance in play this evening, including but by no means limited to Auburn-Vandy, Texas-Colorado, Ohio State-Wisconsin, and Oregon-USC.  Here, we will bear witness, until carpal tunnel sets in or we all fall asleep to the dulcet strains of Hawaii-Fresno State.  C’mon in.

BOB DAVIE:  Hello, and welcome to the Carrier Dome, in frrrosty Syracuse, New York!  It’s a lovely September day outside, but now is the winter of Orange discontent.  And joining me to get to the bottom of all this, Lisa Salters.  Lisa, tell us about the setup today.

LISA SALTERS:  Well, Bob, we’ve set up a series of motion-activated cameras and microphones throughout the stadium, in the hopes of capturing footage of the rare Syracuse football fans in their natural environment.  It’s a technique pioneered by–Bob!  [hissing]  BOB!!

BOB DAVIE [quietly, urgently]: Don’t move.  Their visual acuity is based on motion.
[cautiously reaches into pocket, removes bag of corn nuts, shakes it]
Hey.  Hey.  We’re not gonna hurt you.  C’mere, little guy.  C’mon.

SYRACUSE FAN [slumping into frame]: …Can I help you?

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Splish splash, campers.  This’ll be our home until 5 PM Pacific, 8 PM God’s Time, when we will all be thoroughly relieved to see kickoff in the Coliseum just so we won’t have to hear about it anymore.

Matt Grothe, football hero.  We’re as spooked as you are.

ESPN had this headline up for most of yesterday, and it bugged the hell out of me all day:

That’s just lazy, and maddeningly vague.   There’s nineteen different ways this could’ve been more informative, and they went with a grand total of none of them.  “Sealed for your protection”?  “Detour ahead”?  “Not to be used as a flotation device”?

We’re here to help, after the jump:

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From Around the Horn today, which we put on in the background in order to have something to get our blog rage. Courtesy of ol’ Blusterpants himself, Woody Paige:

Ohio State performed terribly against a MAC team picked eighth in their conference. They’re gonna get blown out by USC and blown out of the top ten! (punctuation added to emphasize dumbness.)

Listen; note; invert; act.

PhoningVegasasquicklyaspossibleJaysus ALL ON THE BUCKEYES!!! PUT IT ALL STRAIGHT UP ON OHIO STATE!!!

Late addendum: Double counter-intuitive mojo creating riptide of halfassed hunchery: it’s gonna be “closer than you think!” Really? The second best program in the country in the 21st century plays the best program of the era and you think it’s “gonna be close(r)” EITHER WAY WE LOSE.

Corso hisses. Desmond Howard counts a very special number for Jeremy Maclin. Chris Fowler pronounces Clemson and Alabama fans as “fucked up.” Gameday gets the thorough remixing and Unnecessary Censorshop treatment courtesy of Holly’s deft digital hands and the magic of TiVo.

Enjoy.

Gameday Remixed is sponsored by Gillette, which reminds you that only Gillette can help you “Look, Feel, and Fuck Your Best.”

Words: they can be vague. From LA Now.

“Police” visted the “apartment” of “Penn State football players” “last night.” Whatever they were doing, it led to some stuff being searched, some stuff being taken from the apartment, and some of the vaguest, limited, and narrowly circumscribed reportage ever set to paper/screen. The most meaningful thing from the entire piece:

At least four Penn State Police vehicles were at the scene — a Special Response Unit, two cruisers and an SUV.

There was no violence or struggle, but just in case the local police were coming loaded for bear and in numbers, which ESPN says is evidence Joe Paterno may or may not be running a ROGUE PROGRAM!!! Get me dramatic shots of the campus; a statue of Joe Paterno in focus, and then out of focus; interviews with local columnists who, after three seconds of thought, will make an opinion surprisingly in key with exactly what I want to hear. Get me Jeremy Schaap and his muppet voice NOW!

Do not confuse this with fact, but the fact-like substance floating around about the case is that it’s a combo noise violation and weed complaint sure to draw twice as much fire as it actually deserves in the press. (Touch that any and all “allegedly and possibly inaccurate” sticks as you like.)