Dr. Lou needs the kind of deep, piercing analysis only EDSBS can provide. Watch last night’s here, and then join the breakdown below.

Thank you, homely black girl, for your football question. (more…)

Syracuse @ #7 Penn State
Holly: Greg Paulus IS Number 5 IN Short Circuit. No, he really, really is. Goofy-looking, endearing yet annoying, probably struck by lightning at some point. Penn State beat Akron last week, which tells us precisely ZIP. (seewhatIdidthere) Syracuse lost in overtime to Minnesota, which…tells us more about Syracuse than we think they’d be comfortable with. No disassemble, JoePa! (Whether that refers to Coach Brontosaurus’ ailing joints or the job Penn State is about to do on the wee Orange, we leave to you to decide.)

Orson: Greg Paulus IS Ed Norton IN The Score. Maybe you don’t remember this movie, but you might remember the most memorable line from its turbulent making when Marlon Brando, his cheeks stuffed with raw ground beef and Fritos, told Frank Oz “I bet you wish I was a puppet so you could stick your hand up my ass and make me do what I want.” Doug Marrone certainly wishes this were true of Paulus, who will be starting his second game after fleeing his puppeteers and going disastrously freelance with an overtime pick against Minnesota. Marrone would even forgo the sterile sleeve and just shove his hand right up the old chow-slough–for that personal touch–if it meant a risk-averse performance from Paulus/Norton, but even that and another solid performance by Syracuse’s suddenly feisty defense can’t prevent Paterno/DeNiro from using the youngster’s worst instincts to his advantage. Like the movie, the old man hoodwinks Syracuse out of a close victory. The similarities don’t end there, either, as both movie and game will suck just a little bit to watch.

Fresno State @ Wisconsin

Holly: Bret Bielema IS Ray Nicolette IN Out of Sight. This game will feature, in no particular order: Offensive ineptitude, defensive ineptitude, fratty assholes in law enforcement shirts, and probably won’t end without somebody’s ass getting locked in a trunk. Wisconsin is favored by 8.5 here, which is awfully generous for a team that had to “rally” to “beat” “Northern Illinois”. Calling the upset today: Methheads West over Methheads Midwest. The real winner? Whoever’s showing a game on a competing network.

Orson: Pat Hill IS Clive Owen IN Closer. Oh, it may be ugly. You might go flirt with someone else for a while, victory, but ultimately you’ll outfox the younger, more privileged contender for your affections and bring you back on your knees, both because you don’t care how ugly it looks as long as you win. Now touch your toes to the floor, bitch, and do it in front of 70,000 blind-drunk Wisconsin fans. (more…)

[BULLET BULLET BULLET UPDATE: The indispensable Matt's College Sports On TV returns for 2009 with the equally indispensable and exhaustive TV schedule. Matt = American Hero.]

The weekend’s agenda:

ORSON (ATL –> NASHVILLE)
Navy @ Ohio State
Georgia @ Oklahoma State
Alabama vs. VT
Charleston Southern @ Florida
Nevada @ Notre Dame
Maryland @ Cal
LSU @ Washington

HOLLY (OAK RIDGE):
Liberty @ West Fuckin’ Virginia
Western Kentucky @ Tennessee
Georgia @ Oklahoma State
Nevada @ Notre Dame
Louisiana Tech @ Auburn
Alabama @ VT
Maryland @ Cal
LSU @ Washington

Phil Knight: In a seedy Vegas backroom bar hiring a pack of mobsters to whack Chip Kelly and “make it look like an accident.”

Et tu, Billy Bobs? Where you’re going, what you’re watching, and what you’re drankin’ on this finest first weekend, below if you please. See y’all monsters in the AM.

Kenny Chesney, your midget ass. Our troupe of unstoppable pit bulls. A dark plain in West Texas borded by a river, and us in a monster truck with hunting lights and a shotgun. Let’s roll, shorty.

You’re on the list, now:

Award-winning country music star Kenny Chesney, known for his high-energy stadium concerts, has written a song exclusively for ESPN’s college football game and studio telecasts during Dick’s Sporting Goods Kickoff Week (Sept. 3-7) and Championship Saturday (Dec. 5) as well as select contests throughout the season and bowl games. ESPN will have the exclusive premiere of the song during its pregame show Thursday, Sept. 3, at 7 p.m.

Needs editing. One moment please. [Sound of screaming, fire, steel clanging, tendons ripping.] Okay, here you go. (more…)

Someone is benefitting from the entire Erin Andrews video scandal: hackers, who have taken the internet’s finally fulfilled obsession with ERIN ANDREWS NAKED and played it to their advantage by posting links to the peephole camera video taken of Andrews by a reprehensible person at a hotel, and then feeding requesting PCs a bushel of viruses.

The official EDSBS policy on this is that Ms. Andrews has been wronged grievously, and that the person behind this should be bankrupted not just for their invasion of her privacy, but also for their intrusion on the privacy of others. From what we understand, this was a completely random act, and in an alternate universe could have been you or us standing there getting our goods pasted all over the internet for profit. That her celebrity has exacerbated the initial violation is an even sadder occurrence, and far exceeds the reasonable cost of fame in its severity.

With that said, we feel we need to publish what we have in the name of full disclosure. New information has come to light, and we cannot sit on it any longer. We did not film this, nor do we intend to sell it. We do not claim it is in fact anyone in particular, and will not comment on any resemblances other than to say this: we have made this SFW, and that if this is who we think it is, then this could very well be the media scandal of the century.

You have been warned. (more…)

ESPN just released their announcer pairings for the fall, something we found via Pat Forde’s Twitter feed. We thank you and your majestic frontispiece of a hairstyle, Mr. Forde. It could cut a skirt steak dragged across it into fajita strips ready for the skillet.

The new arrangements for the fall:

Matt Millen’s Inexplicable Employment Continues. What Matt Millen has to offer to college football that Chris Spielman doesn’t is clear: the stigma of reeking, carrion-strong failure from being the worst GM in the history of the NFL. If the stench is real, his new broadcast partners Sean McDonough will have to wear a gas mask. This would probably be just as good as most in-game commentary, now that we think about it. Holly Rowe moves over from ESPN to join them for ABC Saturdays, and it will probably be a bit blander overall than the Spielman/McDonough combo since Millen’s not likely to say anything as cool as “hunt, dog, hunt!”

Spielman moves to work with Dave Pasch and Bob Griese, and they’ll be working the noon game on ESPN.

The Champagne Crew: Nessler, Blackledge, and Andrews keep the ESPN Saturday Prime Time slot, a.k.a. The Ron Franklin Suite. Musberger, Herbstreit, and Salters on Saturday’s Blue-Ribbon game stay strong, as well.

Caucasian Menudo: The trio of James, Fowler, and Palmer remain together, who for our buck were the most gregarious, entertaining, freewheeling, and surprising crew last year in how much fun they had in the booth together.

Palmer gets additional face time as an in-studio analyst on Saturdays, thus expanding the Gator Nation’s reach into even our most hallowed halls of power like College Football Live. The Jort Illuminati grows in power; we approve. Andrews remains with them, and should really just start brandishing a combat shotgun everywhere she goes.

James will also see a shuffle as he joins Mike Patrick and Heather Cox for Saturday broadcasts on ESPN. (more…)

After some actual talking to our sources, the rumor of any changes to Gameday is mostly crap, with the only salient piece of information being the annual speculation over Lee Corso’s retirement. This very well could happen, but that’s the case every year when you’re talking about a 73 year old man and his job–nothing’s long-term, not his job, or his pants, or even finishing lunch without falling asleep or drifting into an improper reverie over a thick-thighed woman named Isabel who showed a young man the meaning of lust back in Biloxi in 1948. It’s all up in the air at that age.

“And she would wear a headdress, and call me her naughty little paleface.” “We’re live, coach.” “FAAAAAAHCK”

Besides that perpetually possible event, the rest of the rumor is crap. No sponsor has that kind of pull with a show, as for a sponsor demanding changes in the lineup of a successful program would set a dangerous example for future shows. (”Yes, we will sponsor your show, but you’ll have to have the CEO as the color guy. He plays a lot of Madden!”) Even in a recession economy, the puppeteering of a show by the sponsor is highly unlikely.

Additionally–besides an ESPN source saying flat-out “no” to the case–how on earth would Ravech cover college football when he’s already booked for baseball, a sport that will keep him occupied deep into October? (That is when it ends, right? And someone walks out with the Shanley Cup? Halp?) Though ESPN likes to have their commentainers work across different sports, they also like to have their anchors work on sports while they’re actually occurring. It’s why they’re winners, that ability to use a calendar, there.

Finally, even if Fowler, the admitted king of his discipline, decided not to do Gameday, the taciturn Ravech isn’t the logical choice. That would be Rece Davis, a college football junkie already embedded with the college football staff with an obvious skill for running the point and keeping a nice loose chaos running at all times on air.

Again, this comes courtesy of actual real sources. We know, don’t choke. It’s psuedojournalism, and it happens twice a year here.

Mel Kiper is the NFL Draft’s foremost expert. Today he assists us with his boundless expertise, and tell us exactly how the first three rounds of the genocidal madman draft are going to go down.

It’s been three months since Todd McShay and I updated our mock drafts. It’s time to shake them up a little bit and review our first three rounds.

Detroit Lions, Number One.

Winston Churchill, Great Britain. A true malevolent madman in the making. Comes from good genocidal madman stock, and a program–Cambridge–that knows how to develop and train that stock. Thick. Mean when he has to be. Superb skill set. Like all good genocidal madmen, prefers to wear suits.

St. Louis Rams, Number Two: Teddy Roosevelt. Another slam-dunk pick in the making. A hunter, not a gatherer. Killer instinct. Eyesight may be weak, but so is a rhino’s. They kill things all the time.

Kansas City Chiefs, Number Three: Joseph Stalin. I’m not sold on him: he lacks killer instinct, and thanks to his associations with the clergy may have too much mercy in him for the job. Poor communication skills with teammates. No cult of personality skills. I call bust, but he’s going here.

4. Seattle Seahawks. Woody Hayes. Has the rage you need for the position. (more…)

Let us offer an early review on Tommy Tuberville as a television commenter: he’s velvety smooth, like a tumbler full of Woodford Reserve with huge ears strapped to the side of it. Unlike many commenters, he doesn’t do the ESPN vapor lock on the camera, the sudden “HEY I’M ON CAMERA ATTACK” move Tom Luginbill seems to be doing in order to disgorge as much information as possible in a forty-five second window. (The Kiperkakke, a move Todd McShay seems to have internalized without irony.)

What has a pointing finger and doesn’t give a damn? This guy.

Tuberville seems to have just sauntered into the frame, fresh from skinning a catfish or finishing up a round of 18. We would not be shocked to see the carved wooden head of a rocking chair peek up from over his shoulder. Add the smooth in with the fact that he knows what he’s talking about, presents it in a fluid, folksy manner, and is still being paid by Auburn, and we’re smitten. In fact, go ahead and get him one, ESPNU, and let him whittle while the other guys are talking.

Opening kickoff and WHOOOOP!!! Down to the 35 yard line and David Akers from…from….

Tom Jackson: (sighs) Louisville.

Berman: Tom, Jesus, sound like you gotta pair. Edit that out. Let’s keep going. (more…)