In the wake of the NFL draft, we thought we’d do our own draft-themed show, albeit with a twist: extending the draft not only to college, but to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. (A store now closing forever, something we’d weep over if we ever bought single item at the place. Wait: garbage can, 2002.)

Our four questions for the evening are as follows:

1. Name the player for your team who, once “drafted” by your team, never really panned out. As a Florida fan, our list of signees who came and never blossomed into even the measliest of roses is long and distinguished. However, the pinnacle of disappointment came in a pair of Parade All-Americans destroyed slowly by the “performs best when entering with little talent or ego” Spurrier system: Bobby Sabelhaus and Tim Olmstead, the next Great Distributors in the Fun ‘n Gun who both bombed out of the program before doing so much as throwing a single wobbly fade to the corner.

Olmstead was merely immature, blowing off classes and refusing to learn the playbook before transferring to Vandy where he sat on the bench behind Greg Zolman. (Read that again. If that doesn’t sink in, well, read it again.) Poor Bobby Sabelhaus suffered a worse fate: he got depressed, got bipolar, and then got gone, transferring to West Virginia, and then finally to San Jose State. Just thinking about them makes us emo boy weepy sad.

2. Name the most overrated draft pick from your own school. Gerard “Big Money” Warren. What? The big fat guy who did nothing? Really? Are you interested in drafting my uncle, perhaps? He won’t even ask for a signing bonus, sir and sirrahs. Gerard Warren, on the other hand, will cost you the third pick in the first round of the 2001 draft and ultimately end up playing for the Raiders. (Butch Davis, draft genius, your fingerprints are all over this one.)

He does look intimidating riding off on an injury cart, though.

3. You get to draft a quality you lack into your life. Whatever: more patience, a horn in the middle of your forehead, or even the answer most of you will undoubtedly give, the all-consuming desire to have your huge, pavement dragging dick reduced to a more manageable size. Just answer the question and the puppy doesn’t get harmed.

For the record, we’d draft abs. Never had ‘em, never will. It would be nice to flaunt them for a month, and then bury then under a solid layer of merrily-added beer fat.

4. Draft something foreign into these United States of ours. We want Australia. The whole thing, fangs and all. Failing a continental transfer, we’ll just take its assortment of fanged/poisonous animals, since Florida seems too safe to us these days: no coke wars, no one slaughtering German tourists in Miami for sport, years since a decent hurricane.

Talk to you tonight, which you may do by clicking here or by simply hitting play on the Now Live Widget in the sidebar.

We now point you to two points of semi-interest for the EDSBS community:

Twitterriffic: There’s a Twitter feed now for those who find sentences bothersome. Twitter is fun for fragmentary thoughts, but on a more practical level it’s great for covering events, especially when you see things like “Woman #37 crying on cell phone in Vegas.” It’s like reading someone’s notebook online as it’s written, which is both enlightening and, yes, frightening at times.

Facebook Yes, the odd Anglo-Saxon name is on the Facebook type thingy, as well. Don’t send us movie quizzes, because our tastes are incompatible with yours unless you have bad taste in films. And if you do, you’ll both refrain from sending us the quizzes, and appreciate this fine clip of American film acting.

…as in we’re prepping a proper end-of-the-year edition, and will not be having a show tonight. There’s plenty else you could do tonight–like catch up on your environmentalist Aussie rock videos from the late eighties, for example.

As someone who lived in Florida, we admire the Aussie developers’ discretion in leaving a strip of trees between the beach and the resort hotels. Also, note that if you see Peter Garrett walking down your street and dancing spastically, someone is about to bulldoze your house and and abuse your land like a rapacious evil capitalist.

If you have any Les-ticles at ll, you’ll join us for EDSBS Live tonight, where Orson will be calling in from the NOLA and Peter will be joining you from a classified location on the West Coast. We’ll be discussing the BCS title game, the endless variety of debauchery in New Orleans, and whether or not we say Ryan Perriloux putting a solid brick of platinum on the table at Harrah’s downtown as collateral for a massive Pai Gow bet. (He didn’t, but the idea is awesome.)

Grow a pair and join us on EDSBS Live tonight.

It’s November. You have no excuse to be outside.

Pat White. Thursday night. Louisville’s defense. This could get ugly.

THURSDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
LOUISVILLE at WEST VIRGINIA (7:30 ET • ESPN)
The classic “Time Machine” game: West Virginia is still a frontrunner, and even Louisville is still technically alive in the Big East at 2-2 in the conference, but this barely consequential showdown bears no resemblance to the clash of unbeaten, BCS-bound titans it was last year, or that ESPN no doubt expected again. In lieu of far-reaching national ramifications, prepare thyself, viewer, for pointless hype of Pat White and Steve Slaton directed at certain individual awards, and at least two replays of a certain play that propelled a certain color announcer to said award more than two fucking decades ago, and some pro scout drooling over Brian Brohm moments before he’s intercepted for severely underthrowing an open man.
Watch for: End zone angles of West Virginia’s unearthly blocking, opening mile-wide lanes against overpursuing defenses since 2005. Also: Noel Devine, who will do something completely jaw-dropping in place of Slaton in the second half, because that what Noel Devine does.

Provincialism: Tennessee State at Samford (6:00 ET, ESPNU), TCU at BYU (9:00 ET, Versus)

TGIF, UNLESS YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH…

RUTGERS at ARMY (8:00 ET • ESPN2)
Our brave future fighting men have played one much stronger team tough at home each of the last two years  –Iowa State in 2005, Texas A&M last year – but still carries something like a twenty-eight year losing streak against winning teams. I didn’t look that up, but you’ll hear the real number at the first sign of Rutgers distress Friday, and then a few times again until RU lays down the hammer. But make no mistake: sooner or later, the hammer will be laid. Army is sloooooow. Watch for: The play Army safety Caleb Campbell hits Ray Rice so hard his helmet pops off, and Rice is revealed to actually be a fifty-story-tall monster made of flames the Black Knights must work together to slay before they can graduate to victory, aka an extended tour in Afghanistan.

(Yes, I know that was a Marines commercial, but they’re all shooting at the same targets. Anyway, the Army monster as personified by Ray Rice is way bigger).

Provincialism: Fordham at Columbia (7:00 ET, YES), Bowling Green at Eastern Michigan (7:30 ET, ESPNU)

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A RACCOON. FLUSH HIM FROM THE WALL IN TIME FOR…

Main Course: Michigan at Wisconsin (Noon ET • ESPN)
P.J. Hill may not play, meaning the Wolverines may have to actually hit a moving target, a tall task to date for this particular version of the Michigan D. Then again, the Badgers ran for all of twelve yards without Hill at Ohio State last week and have allowed an average of 221 yards rushing to the last four non-MAC offenses they’ve faced, three of them in losses. So Mike Hart’s ankle does not necessarily need to be 100 percent. Watch for: Okay, like, this may not be a big deal for Midwesterners and other Northern types, and there’s all like global warming and whatever, right? But for those of us who grew up sweating in the desolate Southland well into the Fall months, even a glimpse of snow on the tube is an exotic, vicarious thrill. Football in a blizzard? We don’t want to be there, we just want to see it. The game’s already an instant classic. OMG hi-def snowstorm! The god who denies us this seasonal pleasure is a cruel numen indeed.

On the Other Channel…
WAKE FOREST at CLEMSON (Noon ET • ESPN2)
Impromptu Geico trivia: which one of these teams still has a chance to catch Boston College in the Atlantic division? Answer: both of them – the Deacons and Tigers are 4-2 apiece, though Wake is eliminated by tie-breaking procedures if B.C. beats Maryland Saturday. If it wins, Clemson can set up a winner-take-all showdown with the Eagles in Death Valley next week. Watch for: Half of Clemson’s team is knocked out of the game after appropriately-named defensive lineman Jock McKissic loses his balance on the way down the hill during the Tigers’ opening ceremony, triggering a chain reaction that claims the entire starting secondary and most members of the receiving corps. C.J. Spiller is spared, however, by alertly leaping over the entire mass of humanity, performing a double salto with a full twist on the first flip and landing on his feet. Spiller then runs for 274 yards and two touchdowns as part of a five-man offense, only to watch Wake steal the win in the closing seconds (if you don’t think Wake would let a five-man offense hang around for 59 minutes, you don’t know Wake. Last second is just how some of us roll).

Bacher: Works things out, but…does he know how to change?

INDIANA at NORTHWESTERN (Noon ET • ESPN Classic)
What, exactly, is classic about this third tier pillowfight, other than its mediocrity? Both teams are collectively 0-5 against opponents with a winning record; Indiana is already technically bowl-eligible at 6-4, and Northwestern is a win away at 5-5. If the Wildcats win and both teams end up 6-6 (they’ll be underdogs next week against Purdue and Illinois, respectively), both could fall short of the conference’s seventh-place spot in the Motor City Bowl. Hopefully good enough for the Motor City Bowl! Classic! Watch for: Northwestern quarterback C.J. Bacher, whose look is best described as “vaguely Asian,” whose greatest achievement is yet to be seen and who is not afraid to admit that his favorite song on his iPod is Boyz II Men’s “Water Runs Dry.”

TEXAS A&M at MISSOURI (12:30 ET • FSN)
The Tigers offer an interesting juxtaposition for A&M: you have the Aggie offense on one hand, and what the Aggie offense is trying to be on the other. Every positive attribute you hear ascribed to Stepehen McGee during the first few minutes of the broadcast, apply it to Chase Daniel, as well, only for real. You won’t have to do that for very long. Watch for: Dennis Franchione slowly removing his headset, handing off his clipboard, putting his hands in his pocket and walking off the field in the middle of the third quarter following a moment of epiphany. What’s the point, you know?

Provincialism: A rare treat for SEC fans and unfortunate transplants to said territory, who get – count ‘em – not one but TWO! exciting Lincoln Financial options at 12:30: Alabama at Mississippi State and Arkansas at Tennessee. Double the graininess! Double the Yellawood ads! Double the Daves! (You know they’re going to find three more guys named ‘Dave’ for the extra duty right?) Everyone else can pick those games up live via the generous feed on Yahoo! Sports.

Elsewhere: Penn State at Temple (Noon ET, ESPNU), Michigan State at Purude (Noon ET, Big Ten Network), Minnesota at Iowa (Noon ET, Big Ten Network), North Carolina at North Carolina State (Noon ET, Lincoln Financial), South Florida at Syracuse (Noon ET, Metro Atlantic Sports Network/ERTV), Amherst at Williams (Noon ET, Northeast Sports Network), New Hampshire at Massachusetts (Noon ET, SNY…for two other states’ flagship schools?), Villanova at Towson State (Noon ET, CSNA), Kansas State at Nebraska (12:30, Versus), Lafayette at Holy Cross (1:00 ET, CSTV), Yale at Princeton (1:00 ET, YES)

LATE AFTERNOON: KEEP AN EYE ON THE COWS, MA

Main Course: AUBURN at GEORGIA (3:30 ET • CBS)
You may not realize it, but this is the oldest rivalry in the South, forging valiantly into a second century of tradition that would equally horrify both sides of the game’s segregationist founders. It’s one thing to let muscular negroes run the same ball as the white players, but foot-ball without the ceremonial mid-drive heifer rape? The Colonel won’t stand for it! Watch For: Knowshon Moreno, conquistador of homely co-eds campus-wide and the rest of the SEC’s worst nightmare for the next three-plus years.

On the Other Channel…
Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Bestow Upon an Unworthy and Grateful Public…
ILLINOIS at OHIO STATE / FLORIDA STATE at VIRGINIA TECH / TEXAS TECH at TEXAS / ARIZONA STATE at UCLA (3:30 ET • ABC/ESPN)

Look at this map and tell me: how did they decide on those precise boundaries in Idaho, Montana and Wyoming for who would get Ohio State-Illinois and who would get UCLA-Arizona State? “Remember, boys, Southeast Idaho, they love ‘em some Big Ten. They can’t get enough. But Montana? They better get the game in L.A. or there’ll be hell to pay, believe you me. And whatever you, do, don’t even think about trying to put on Ohio State in that one little diamond-shaped sliver in Western Wyoming. We all remember the Laramie Riots of ‘92. Yep, live and learn, boys. Live and learn.”
Watch For: The comical contrast of Jim Tressel’s icy resolve and Coach [Redacted]’s goofy pep, ending in a long closeup of one of them fighting back tears as the clock winds down on an afternoon of unambiguous punishment in the fourth quarter. I won’t tell you which one.

AIR FORCE at NOTRE DAME (2:30 ET • NBC)
The Irish are a slight (+2.5) underdog at home, to a physically overmatched service academy that runs the triple option, which makes complete sense to anyone who saw last week’s game. And Jimmy Clausen is back in the saddle for the game that could officially make these Irish the losingest team in school history? What kind of lottery did the rest of the country win? Watch For: Schadenfreude doesn’t die. It multiplies.

Provincialism: Colorado State at New Mexico (1:00 MT, Mtn.), Boise State at Utah State (1:00 MT, KJZZ/KTVB), Connecticut at Cincinnati (3:30 ET, ESPNU), Wyoming at Utah (1:30 MT, CSTV), Furman at Georgia Southern (3:30 ET, SportsSouth), Kent State at Northern Illinois (3:00 CT, Cox Sports-Chicago), New Mexico State at San Jose State (1:00 PT, Comcast/Aggie Vision), East Carolina at Marshall (4:30 ET, MASN, WITN)

HERE COMES THE NIGHT

Main course: Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Bestow Upon an Unworthy and Grateful Public…
BOSTON COLLEGE at MARYLAND / KANSAS at OKLAHOMA STATE / USC at CALIFORNIA (8:00 ET • ABC/ESPN)
Oh, read it and weep, folks:

It’s the Kansas-Oklahoma State game you’ve always dreamed of, consumer. No, no – thank us later. Watch For: Visually seeing the final molecules of air go out of Cal’s dream season. Jeff Tedford will try sustaining its last vestiges by holding his breath and puffing out his cheeks, until Pete Carroll claps his hands on either side of Tedford’s face to force out the rest.

On the Other Channel…
FLORIDA at SOUTH CAROLINA (7:45 ET • ESPN)
The Gamecocks have strategically timed their annual offensive revival to coincide with a defensive collapse of potentially staggering proportions, just in time for Tim Tebow, Percy Harvin, Gators brittle young secondary and your staggering windfall on the ‘over.’ Watch For: The tragic destruction of the “Cockaboose Railroad” when the lead cockaboose strikes an absentminded Tebow crossing the tracks prior to the game.

Can nothing stop Tebow’s trail of rail destruction?!

VIRGINIA at MIAMI (7:15 ET • ESPN2)
What’s worse: that the Cavs are in first place in the ACC Coastal with the nation’s 104th-ranked offense, or that Miami still has a chance to catch them with a win? Welcome to the new ACC, baby. Watch For: There is no acceptable reason to watch any game in the ACC, especially one featuring one offense quarterbacked by Kirby “1 of 14” Freeman and another coached by Al Groh. Holly helpfully suggested the following themes:

Sundresses versus hot pants.
Juleps versus 40s.
Maypoles vs. Luther Campbell.
Popped collars versus popped caps.

I don’t think they wear sundresses in Virginia, but whatever a ‘Maypole’ is, with apologies to Luther, I’m there.

FRESNO STATE at HAWAII (11:00 ET • ESPN2)
It’s a midnight tradition: Random West Coast game! Random West Coast game! Watch For: If you can’t drunkenly watch Colt Brennan hang 450 yards on a team you will not be able to identify in the morning before passing out, you are not American.

Provincialism: Stanford at Washington State (3:30 PT, Fox Spors Northwest/Bay Area/Pacific), Baylor at Oklahoma (5:30 CT, FSN), Central Florida at UAB (6:30 CT, CSTV), Washington at Oregon State (7:15 PT, FSN), San Diego State at UNLV (9:00 MT, CSTV)

Two months in the can, one to go, folks, before 2007 is a misremembered, revisionist fog. Get every bit you can while you can. That is an order (Nevada-New Mexico State optional):

Remember the good times? There’s nothing keeping you away except you and your dignity.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
NEVADA at NEW MEXICO STATE (8:00 ET • ESPN2)
It’s a WAC game of no consequence whatsoever, even by WAC standards – both teams are eliminated from the conference title picture – so why not have one of those 59-57 barrages? It should be a law, really: the number of punts in any televised WAC game shall be no greater than the combined number of I-A wins between both teams. In this case, that’s five. Watch For: Admit it: you miss Hal Mumme, don’t you? It’s okay: it’s Friday night, it’s in New Mexico, it’s ESPN2…he won’t tell anyone.

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A BODY. DUMP IT IN THE RIVER BEFORE…

Main Course: PURDUE at PENN STATE (Noon ET • ESPN)
It’s a virtual lock the winner here will be in one of the Florida bowls on New Year’s Day, which says nothing, really, except that there will be some really sketchy quarterbacking on display in January. Do not be fooled by Purdue’s “high-powered” offense, which has tended to find the deepest hole it can find against competent defense for the last three years or so – the Boilers were averaging 30 points before they were shut out by the Lions in West Lafayette last year. Watch For: Flashing back to his duty in the final days of World War II (this is true), JoPa mistakes the “bombs” Curtis Painter is spraying around the Penn State secondary for that agonizing night in the leaning shells of old farmhouses outside Bondeno in ‘45. Massacre ensues.

On the Other Channel…
IOWA at NORTHWESTERN (Noon ET • ESPN2)
One of these teams currently has a winning record. Can you guess which one? I didn’t think so. Watch For: Iowa quarterback Jake Christensen, coming one of the truly, stunningly horrible performances in the history of winning football after last week’s double overtime win over Michigan State. Christensen completed three passes in regulation for 24 yards, but didn’t throw an interception, which is like the quarterbacking version of playing dead. It’s all about adapting and surviving, man, adapting and surviving.

It’s just a highly evolved defense mechanism – Christensen doesn’t really throw.

NEBRASKA at KANSAS (12:30 ET • FSN)
The Callahan Death Watch limps into its final excruciating month in need of a good mercy killing: at 4-5 with three games to play, Nebraska is technically alive for a bowl game, even with a defense that just gave up 319 yards rushing at the Beaver Crossing First Presbyterian bake sale and a first time starter at quarterback. At some point, backups can only provide a spark – you know, the team can hardly play worse under Joe Ganz – but he’ll be a minor here if the ex-Blackshirts are competent enough to cover the 20-point spread. Watch For: Last week, it was the velour track suit. This week, Mangino goes for the lucky lederhosen.

Provincialism: N.C. State at Miami (Noon ET, ESPNU) . . . Wake Forest at Virginia (Noon ET, Lincoln Financial) . . . Ball State at Indiana (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Wisconsin at Ohio State (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Kansas State at Iowa State (12:30, Versus).

(A brief word to the Big Ten Network: I understand your contractual obligations to get teams onto BTN a certain number of times, but fuck you for picking up Wisconsin-Ohio State and sticking the rest of the country with Iowa-Northwestern. This is quite the boon a wounded conference was looking for, I’m sure, hiding a mythical championship contender in one of its three marquee games of the season on a regional network while trotting out the play-in game for the Music City Bowl for everyone not living next to a Great Lake. Or is it better voters not actually see Ohio State in its only pre-Michigan game worth watching? Go to hell. And if you don’t live in the Big Ten zone and you’re getting Wiscy-OSU by some means other than basic cable, you go to hell, too. We don’t want to hear about your fucking packages.

Oh, and it’s Northwestern: the Wildcats are 5-4. Iowa’s double overtime win over Michigan State last week left the Hawkeyes sitting at 4-5).

LATE AFTERNOON: VIVA HATE!

Main Course: LSU at ALABAMA (5:00 ET • CBS)
Bizarre start time for the Eye, about an hour and a half later than usual, all the better for the fan base that mobbed its new coach’s private plane and showed up 90,000 strong for the Spring game to get in that extra flask before filing in to its seats violently storming the gates to sate the entitled bloodlust that’s possessed the blackest corners of its soul since last December. This game could mean more, if both teams were undefeated or something – in SEC play, anyway, both are only an overtime loss away from 5-0, and a wild last minute drive from being 3-2 – but between coonasses, fucking rivals and the division title, there is epic theater in the works. Watch For: Well, damn, even Nick Saban has time for this shit. There are wilder environments than Bryant-Denny, but with an infusion of revenge and bourbon-filled Louisianans, under the circumstances, it should be transformed into the unpadded batshit madhouse of the season.

On the Other Channel…
Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…Regionalism!
CINCINNATI at SOUTH FLORIDA or MICHIGAN at MICHIGAN STATE or TEXAS at OKLAHOMA STATE or UCLA at ARIZONA (3:30 ET • ABC/ESPN)

One way or another, most of the country will be seeing Michigan-Michigan State, which is good and right: a legitimate, hate-filled rivalry between decent teams, neither of which is UCLA nor Arizona. The programmers guessing at the beginning of the year that Bruins-Wildcats would be a better draw for this slot than Devils-Ducks should be summarily sacked – Arizona? – not that anyone off the West Coast would be able to see the latter under these conditions, anyway. It probably worked out for the better, actually. Great job, guys!
Watch For: One of your last chances to see Chad Henne and Mike Hart as Wolverines. Truly, through the decades, they have been the voice of an entire generation.

NAVY at NOTRE DAME (2:30 ET • NBC)
Whatever the losing streak is now, 40 games, 45 games, this is it for Notre Dame. The last possible shred of respect it can salvage is to win the frosted dessert course of its schedule (in November, the Irish get Navy, Air Force, Duke and Stanford) beginning with the Middies, if for no other reason than to say “At least we didn’t lose to Navy” and avoid another billboard advertising this team’s historic futility. Watch For: Unparalelled potential for schadenfreude, and because you love the triple option, don’t you, seaman?!

Provincialism: Colorado State at BYU (Noon MT, mtn.) . . . East Carolina at Memphis (2:00 ET, WITN, WLMT) . . . San Jose State at Boise State (1:00 MT, KTVB 7) . . . Buffalo at Miami, Ohio (3:00 ET, Ohio News Now) . . . Army at Air Force (1:30 MT, CSTV) . . . Marshall at Central Florida (3:30 ET, CSS Southeast) . . . Maryland at North Carolina (3:45 ET, ESPNU).

THE WILD CARD
ARIZONA STATE at OREGON (6:45 ET • ESPN)
Even the most cynical hats must be doffed to the Leader for saving the game of the day from regional oblivion, even if kickoff here is inconvenient for anyone more interested in LSU-Bama. The second half of this one ought to get much better ratings than the first. Watch For: If it’s not enough of a draw to watch two high-scoring, top five teams hook up with the highest conference and national implications and coaches who are liable to stagger in as sloshed on the Nike dime as the Sig Eps in the stands, at least give a fair shake to Dennis Dixon, the most overlooked candidate for certain unnamed statuettes. Oregon has to remain a national contender for his campaign to gain any traction, and vice versa.

HERE COMES THE NIGHT

Main Course: Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…More Regionalism!
FLORIDA STATE at BOSTON COLLEGE or TEXAS A&M at OKLAHOMA or OREGON STATE at SOUTHERN CAL (8:00 ET • ABC)

Almost two-thirds of households nationally will see Matt “Roller Coaster” Ryan try to keep his lunch down against Florida State, while viewers attempt to keep their own lunch down watching the ‘Noles’ pathetic attempts to execute anything on offense. Even FSU’s lone interesting player, Xavier Lee, has succumbed to a sprained cerebrum, leaving vanilla Drew Weatherford to fail in far less spectacular fashion. Just for the record: does anybody else get the sneaking sense that, if their teams and coaches were reversed, Drew Weatherford and Matt Ryan are pretty much the same quarterback? Watch For: Independently, DeMarco Murray and Dennis Franchione’s tortured attempts at stoicism in defeat are worth the price of admission on their own. So a certain segment of the country is getting a sweet two-for-one. It’s like Christmas.

On the Other Channel…
MISSOURI at COLORADO (6:40 ET • FSN)
There’s no figuring Colorado out: the Buffs lose at home in the middle of the night to Florida State, then take out Oklahoma on the same field, then get routed in back-to-back games by Kansas and Kansas State, and, reeling in the wake of Sunflower State smackdowns, salvaged the season by whipping Texas Tech last week in Lubbock. Division I football, brother: completely schizophrenic. Watch For: Chase Daniel, who, no, you have not observed closely enough. Everyone has Mizzou figured, but nobody’s doing much about it.

Chase Daniel doesn’t adjust to the altitude. The altitude adjusts to Chase Daniel.

SOUTH CAROLINA at ARKANSAS (8:00 • ESPN2)
It feels like both teams are reeling, but, where South Carolina’s lost two in a row, Arkansas has actually won four of its last five. The problem: those four were North Texas, UT-Chattanooga, Ole Miss and Florida International. Against actual SEC opponents, the Hogs have fallen flatter’n Houston Nutt’s denials re: Donna Bragg. Watch For: Any chance to watch Darren McFadden knife through hordes of tacklers is a precious one, and by all reasonable guesses, this will be one of the last you’ll get on a Saturday.

WASHINGTON STATE at CALIFORNIA (10:00 ET • FSN)
Random Pac Ten game! Random Pac Ten game! Less than a month ago, Cal was ranked third in the country and thinking national championship. Now the Bears are trying to hold on against streaking Wazzu (one in a row, baby!) to avoid a tie for ninth place in the conference. Watch For: The sheer, drunken, bleary-eyed pleasure that comes from falling asleep for whole quarters, then waking up just in time to catch a bizarro finish and trying in vain to remember just which team you bet on, again, before passing out for good. It’s the little things that make it all worthwhile.

Provincialism: New Mexico at TCU (4:30 CT, mtn.) . . . Washington at Stanford (3:30 PT, FSN Bay Area) . . . Southern Miss at UAB (6:00 CT, CSS Southeast) . . . Eastern Michigan at Toledo (7:00 ET, Buckeye Cable Network) . . . Rutgers at Connecticut (7:15, ESPNU) . . . Tulsa at Tulane (6:30 CT, CSTV) . . . Illinois at Minnesota (7:00 CT, Big Ten Network) . . . Wyoming at San Diego State (6:00 PT, mtn.).

Don’t forget to set your clock backs at the end of Cal-WSU, and enjoy that little time warp while you can.

Guest editor Hannibal Montegna with the weekend in televised mayhem:

Southerns think the world revolves around SEC football every day of the week, and for once, they’re right. Saturday serves up three must-see SEC games that easily dominate their respective time slots: Tennessee-Alabama early, Florida-Kentucky in the afternoon, Auburn-LSU into the night. This is, literally, your long-awaited chance to spend twelve consecutive hours with half of the Southeastern Conference. Just remember: even if you make it through this most gruelling tour of the league, you’ll still be a full two teams behind Jenn Sterger’s half-day record.

Six teams from the same conference in one day? I signed up for a challenge!

TGIF, UNLESS YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH…

LOUISVILLE at UCONN (8:00 • ESPN)
After losing 17-16 to Virginia last week, the Huskies are one point from a winning record. Louisville is only about sixblown assignments in the secondary away from 6-1. Watch For: Brian Brohm – for all the defensive woes, with his back against the wall at every turn all season, is still the best passer in the country.

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A NEW RADIOHEAD ALBUM. FOR FUCKING FREE. DOWNLOAD THAT SHIT BEFORE…

Main Course (SEC Only): TENNESSEE at ALABAMA (12:30 • Lincoln Financial)
CBS apologizes, nation, but golf or kids’ shows or local infomercials or whatever it’s showing at noon Saturday (whatever it is, you won’t find it on the network’s primetime only schedule) is worth more to it than shuttling a pair of announcers down to Tuscaloosa for one of the best secondary rivalries in the SEC (that is, between teams with other primary rivalries, not between their respective defensive backfields. Not that that a slap fight between Simeon Castille and Jonathan Hefney wouldn’t be more interesting than Mr. Popiel or the ubiquitous Orange Clean guy). The immortal Daves get to flub their way through a non-snoozer for a change, their homespun, aggressively lo-def incompetence again enthralling a region; for the rest of the country, the joys of the SEC – that is, endless redneck jokes depressingly reinforced by crowd shots – are reserved for Gameplan subscribers only. Watch For: Spills! Chills! Impending medical bills! From the man who brought you Gainesville ‘05, Baton Rouge ‘05 and Gainesville ‘07: The Reckoning, it’s Erik Ainge on the road!

On the Other Channel…
PENN STATE at INDIANA (Noon • ESPN)
Indiana’s only national appearance will bring out the weepy angles for fallen coach Terry Hoeppner, only amped up by the 5-2 Hoosiers’ emotional quest for a bowl game and the sobering contrast of Zombie Joe across the way, who will never die. Watch For: Indiana quarterback Kellen Lewis, a lankier, more accurate version of Juice Williams: he leads the Hoosiers in rushing while also sporting a 30:13 career TD:INT ratio, even if defenses of Penn State’s caliber have tended to leave him curled up in a defensive ball.

Kellen Lewis: vows to defend precious young brains of Indiana students against rampaging JoPa at all costs.

IOWA at PURDUE (Noon • ESPN2)
Two weeks ago, these two teams’ stocks were rocketing in opposite directions, with the Hawkeyes getting waxed at home by Indiana and Purdue enduring the second half onslaught of Notre Dame’s lone competent offensive outburst of the season. I think that sentence speaks for itself. Watch For: Defenders in the trail position for three straight hours. Iowa looked terrific against Illinois’ option game, which presented little downfield passing threat and failed in the fine zook tradition to line up properly on the one instance it connected on the long ball, but Curtis Painter and Co. offer no such luxuries. On the other side, Purdue’s defense is Purdue’s defense. Also: Pam Ward, natch.

(Aside on Ward. I just want to note that this article from the Washington Post in March praises her dutiful trailblazing in the booth, then includes this line:

One of Ward’s biggest fans is Mike Patrick…

This explains so, so much.)

OKLAHOMA at IOWA STATE (12:30 • FSN)
OU transitions from Texas and Missouri to…Iowa State, which provided fodder for Texas’ second half comeback narrative in a 56-3 smashing in Ames last week. Only five more years to go until ISU celebrates a solid century since its last conference championship, a tie for the 1912 Missouri Valley title. As a grandson of a now-deceased alum who wasn’t even born then, I’ve already RSVP’d: washing my hair that night… Watch For: The best team in the Big 12 against the worst. What could be more exciting?

Provincialism:Texas at Baylor (12:30, Versus), Army at Georgia Tech (Noon, Lincoln Financial), North Dakota State at Minnesota (Noon, Big Ten Network), Northern Illinois at Wisconsin (Noon, Big Ten Network), Central Michigan at Clemson (Noon, ESPNU), Miami, Ohio at Temple (Noon, ESPN Regional/Sports NewYork), Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (Noon, Altitude Sports and Entertainment), Wake Forest at Navy (1:00, CSTV), Grambling at Jackson State (1:00, ESPN Classic)

LATE AFTERNOON - BUSHY. WET. NOT AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS.

Main Course: FLORIDA at KENTUCKY (3:30 • CBS)
Kentucky shouldn’t have to prove anything at this point, really, and even though it probably does for the stubborn minds who still think “Scoreboard: TILT” when they see the Wildcats, this is the worst time for it to do the provin’. Auburn, Florida and LSU can all attest this season: you don’t want a tough game in this league the week after playing in a tight, physical battle of wills. Especially when, like the Wildcats last week and UF Saturday, the opponent’s had extra days to rest/prepare. Watch For: Tebow vs. Woodson: thoroughbreds in the Bluegrass State. Get it? Seriously, Tebow took Show behind Street Sense in May. He would have won, but he was late out of the gates for anointing a wayward mare with oil after he converted her and delivered her healthy filly after a torturous labor. Little Off Tackle Left is gonna be a champion some day…

On the Other Channel…
MIAMI at FLORIDA STATE / MICHIGAN STATE at OHIO STATE / CALIFORNIA at UCLA / TEXAS TECH at MISSOURI (3:30 • ABC/ESPN2)
ABC’s regional option will send most of the country to Michigan State at Ohio State:

Gaze upon your fate.

…and thus will also bear witness to the flashing neon upset bid of the day, brought to you by Allstate and AFLAC, who remind viewers to ignore the other one. Watch For: Javon Ringer, DeSean Jackson, everything about Texas Tech (especially the outrageous line splits) and…and…for the first time in my life, I can’t think of a reason to watch FSU and Miami. The East Coast always gets screwed with the ACC matchup.

SOUTHERN CAL at NOTRE DAME (3:30 • NBC)
By all rights, USC should win this game by at least nine touchdowns on its worst day, in the rainiest, most unkempt field conditions, with any of its blue chip golden children playing quarterback. The fact that I don’t have any confidence in the Trojans to win this by more than, say, 17 points is an indictment to just how lackluster they’ve been. Watch For: Grass so tall, bushy and wet, USC’s entire team will wonder how Paris Hilton ever managed to get inside a Catholic facility. Also: I’m so legitimately down on SC, it feels like it’s time for one of those “Magical Afternoons” every bad team gets against a good one. That’s not a “winning afternoon,” mind you, but it is probably an interesting one. For a while, anyway.

Provincialism: Wyoming at Air Force (2:00, Mtn), Mississippi State at West Virginia (3:30, Sports New York/ESPN Regional), Georgia Southern at Appalachian State (4:00, Mid-Atlantic Sports Network), Buffalo at Syracuse (3:30, ESPNU), NC State at East Carolina (4:30, CSTV), Stephen F. Austin at Texas State (4:30, FSN Southwest)

The Wild Card. KANSAS at COLORADO (5:45 • ESPN)
South Florida’s demise from the realm of the unbeaten leaves Kansas as the only true ‘Cinderella’ in the field, but that’s only because five of its six wins have come courtesy of Central Michigan, Southeast Louisian, Toledo, Florida International and Baylor. Colorado beat Oklahoma. This is DIVISION I FOOTBALL, BROTHER! We don’t play Baylor! Actually, Colorado does play Baylor – CU won last week in Waco, 43-23 – but you know what I’m saying: when it comes to Kansas, Mark Mangino is fat. Watch For: The off chance, however infinitismal, that Dan Hawkins challenges Mangino to join him on or in training for his half marathon, or better yet, to race around Folsom Field in lieu of overtime. If soccer can scrap its entire game to launch penalty kicks to decide a winner, college football can send morbidly obese coaches on wind sprints. Makes as much sense as putting the ball on the fucking twenty-five.

HERE COMES THE NIGHT – NO REST FOR THE WEARY.

Miles lunges for the patented “grip ‘n gnaw.” He likes ear.

Main Course: AUBURN at LSU (9:00 • ESPN)
Just like Kentucky, LSU has to be completely spent coming in here, off two straight emotional, draining finishes in consecutive weeks, and just four weeks removed from playing South Carolina in another “Game of the Week” atmosphere – this is the fourth time in five weeks the national spotlight is on Les Miles’ Tigers. Tommy Tuberville has a fantastic record against teams ranked this high, but since winning big in Baton Rouge in 1999 against Gerry DiNardo’s last team, he was 0-2 in Tiger Stadium against Nick Saban’s teams and lost to Les Miles’ first squad in overtime in 2005. Only the latter required a team gynecologist to accompany the quarterback on the trip. Watch For: It’s Auburn-LSU, legislatively mandated in both states to end – with all due controversy, where applicable, pursuant to Amendment 7-3-e, aka the “Hodson Clause” – via the most over-the-top melodrama possible. This is usually one of the five or six best games of the season: the last three have been decided by a combined eight points.

Calling this game: Mike Patrick, who’s a big fan of Pam Ward. And Britney Spears, but mainly Pam Ward.

On the Other Channel…
MICHIGAN at ILLINOIS (8:00 • ABC)
Michigan thinks it’s back after thwacking Purdue in the Wolverines’ venerable Purdue-thwacking tradition, but we don’t really know until we see the allegedly rehabbed M defense get back in the water against the athletic, spread option scheme that’s plagued it for years and drove this season to the brink of oblivion in the first two weeks. And I don’t mean just sticking a couple toes in – that’s what Northwestern and Eastern Michigan were for. Juice Williams and Rashard Mendenhall are real. It’s time to break out the cannonball on that shit. Watch For: It’s one of your last chances to see super hobbit Mike Hart as a collegiate. Appreciate his unstoppable piston leg drive while you still can.

VIRGINIA at MARYLAND (8:00 • ESPN2)
Did you know these two teams are a combined 10-3 with wins over Rutgers and otherwise unbeaten UConn? And they’re 4-1 in the ACC after each hung on to beat Georgia Tech in the game’s dying seconds? And the offenses are ranked 108th and 90th in total yards? You didn’t? Would you like to trade lives? I saw it in a Judge Reinhold movie. Watch For: Both teams appear to be committed to a low-risk, ground-based, defense-and-field position sort of offenses, so, you know, there’s always a chance of cutaways to the cheerleaders.

Provincialism: San Jose State at Fresno State (2:00 PT, Cox Sports Northwest), Eastern Washington at BYU (3:30 MT, Mtn.), Stanford at Arizona (5:00 MT, FSN Arizona), Northern Iowa at Western Illinois (6:30 CT, FSN Midwest), Oregon at Washington (4:00 PT, FSN Northwest), Tulane at SMU(7:00 CT, FSN Southwest), New Mexico at San Diego State (5:30 PT, CSTV)

Join us today for EDSBS Live, where we’ll be joining you from the back of a van constantly moving through undisclosed locations to escape the wrath of the Orgeron, whose Ole Miss Rebels nearly continued the Mississippi curse on Florida in a 30-24 game that had us sweating pungent, oily fearsweat.

Fortunately, the wireless is working, and we’re eating nothing and crossing rivers whenever we can to throw off the scent trail. (There’s nothing we can do about the infrared, though.) Our only real hope is that a blue chip recruit comes between us and him along the way.

Guests tonight on EDSBS Live, 7 p.m. EST to 9 p.m. EST: Sunday Morning Quarterback and whoever we can get to talk about the epic Georgia/Alabama game. Click here to listen, or just hit the play button on the player in the sidebar over there on the right.

And now, Kerwin Bell hitting himself in the balls with a football.

We’ll talk to you tonight.

EDSBS Live! Radio without commercials, songs, or clean language.

What: EDSBS Live! online radio, presenting the FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL edition.

When: 7:30 Eastern, 4:30 Austin Murphy Standard Time.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum. Or just call (310) 984-7600.

Who: SI’s Austin Murphy, author of Saturday Rules: A Season with Trojans and Domers (and Gators and Buckeyes and Wolverines).

How excited are we?

Robot Rock excited, in honor Murphy’s summer gig covering the Tour de France.

More bands should perform in custom made robot helmets.

Since the season’s here and we don’t have time for this shit, our THREE questions for the night.

1. What game are you watching this Saturday?

WKU/Florida. Georgia Tech/Notre Dame. Georgia/Oklahoma State.

2. Upset watch - who you got?

Tech at Notre Dame. Tenuta’s defense is the only way this happens. Oklahoma State’s on notice, too, since they’ve been given the title of magically unstoppable offensive wonderteam for this season. Prove this to us in Athens, and you truly are the Juggernaut, bitches.

3. Game of intrigue?

Tennessee/Cal. If you say you know what will happen in this game, then you are the father of lies.

See you tonight,

-O.

EDSBS Live! Radio without commercials, songs, or clean language.

What: EDSBS Live! online radio, presenting the earthquake edition. Screw you, uncertainty. We’re pegging the improbable in this edition, predicting college football’s earthquakes months ahead of time.

When: 7:30 Eastern, 4:30 Earthquake Standard Time.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum. Or just call (310) 984-7600. We’d love to talk to you, but remember to brace yourself under the nearest doorjamb before doing so.

Who: Hopefully, technology holding, we’ll talk to you and listener Kleph, who was in Peru for the 7.7 earthquake this week.

How excited are we? Star Blazers excited, motherfuckers. We’re leaving Mother Earth to save the human race.

Four Questions:

1. Pick this year’s earthquake in your neck of the woods. For us possum-eatin’ folks in the SEC, it’ll be Vanderbilt beating Tennessee, Florida, or Georgia. We’re busy praying to gods we don’t even believe in that it’s not Florida.

2. Pick the national earthquake. Whenever USC loses their first game.

3. Name the player out of nowhere who you’d like to see ascend from relative obscurity to greatness in a single stroke of genius. Jehuu Caulcrick, Michigan State running back who survived the war in Liberia and is now a running back for the Spartans. Anyone who survived Liberia and escaped a decent, sane person gets our vote.

4. What’s the most unpredictable thing that ever happened to you? Besides a 6.2 earthquake hitting while we were in a crowded Asian city? Someone dropped a cinderblock on our car from an overpass in Tampa at two in the morning, missing the windshield by two inches or so. If we hadn’t been speeding, we’d have met the cinderblock traveling at eighty miles an hour teeth-first. Viva Tampa!

Still sick from being forced to drink all that chocolate milk before running wind sprints? My that was some colorful ejecta. Rest and recuperate with the healing powers of…

What: EDSBS Live! online radio, presenting Media edition. The meta-meta-meta edition of EDSBS Live has us discussing the watchers who watch, the media. Corso references over/under: 27 for the whole 90 minutes.

When: 7:30 Eastern, 4:30 Awesome Standard Time.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum. Or just call (310) 984-7600. First-time callers are prioritized, because we love us some virgins. (It may hurt! But you want it so bad, don’t you?)

Who: Tim Griffin of the San Antonio News-Express and ESPN.com.

How excited are we? Hyper. But are we hyper enough?

Our four questions for the show:

1. Your favorite sportswriter–Burger King division. (Big media) Our favorites are mostly dead or blogging, a distinction a mainstream reader might not really feel the need to make. (AUTO-ZING!) Our favorite mainstreamer is most likely Hubert Mizell, retired St. Pete Times columnist and contributor to the Gainesville Sun in his old age. Cagey codger who writes short, digestible columns that aren’t somehow dumbed down by the format.

2. Your favorite broadcaster A rehashed question, for sure. Living? Larry Munson. Dead? Jack Fleming, the boffo, gravelly-voiced play-by-play man for West Virginia football. Anyone who cast the opposition as “invaders” in a martial baritone wins our soul, even from beyond the grave.

3. Something about a simple change in Big Media coverage you’d like to see made that would make an enormous improvement in the way we digest CFB.

Nationalize the coverage a bit more. This is a regional complaint, since in SEC coverage we’re more omnivorous than our media service providers realize. It’s not that we’re just sluts for SEC football. We’re sluts for football in general. And maybe just, you know…sluts period. Whatever. Give us more from around the country, especially in print coverage.

4. Sexiest blogger. A contradiction in terms? We think not. Though we’ve never seen her face, we give this to The Starter Wife, if only because she makes pizza roll. And pizza roll will get you very, very far in this life.

Hear you tonight.

What you can do while KSU’s Josh Freeman offers to eat your dinner for you…

What: EDSBS Live! online radio, presenting the Fall Practice edition. Hydrate. Stretch. Prepare for the fall and work off that Velveeta belt you’re carrying around with our own 90 minute fall practice. Bring our own bucket.

When: 7:30 Eastern, 4:30 Pacific.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum. Or just call (310) 984-7600, since we’re taking any and all callers tonight.

Who: You! A fancy way of saying that we have no guests and are going to crank through all the callers we can possibly get to tonight. The People’s Show! Si se puede!

How excited are we? We’re excited like a lover’s voice cross the mountainside, man.

Our four questions for the show:

1. What’s your fall question marks for your team? For Florida, we have a baby at one corner and a converted running back at another. Fortunately, our first major test involves facing a team with no wide receivers, thus continuing the pattern in the Florida/Tennessee matchup that whatever one team lacks, the other will be unable to take severe advantage of in the game because they lack the tools to take advantage.

2. Who is the player your team CANNOT lose this fall? Tim Tebow. The rest of the roster behind him has exactly zero games of experience. As green as our jolly giant is, the rest of the roster are greener still.

3. Your preseason shopping list?

a. Plane ticket to Baton Rouge.
b. One case Zybrowka vodka
c. New laptop
d. Last minute transfer cornerback from Mountain West.
e. New jorts, of course.

4. What’s something that gets you almost as excited as football? Oh, the answers we’ll get here. For our money, it’s videos of people injuring themselves on different forms of transportation.

See you tonight.

What: EDSBS Live! online radio, presenting the Road Trip Edition.

When: 7:30 Eastern, 5:30 Mountain. All you rock people down at the Roxy and up in the Rockies, rock on!

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum. Or just call (310) 984-7600 to enjoy a five minute vacation smack dab in the middle of your work week.

Who: Clay Travis, who will be pimping his new SEC travelogue Dixieland Delight: A Football Season on the Road in the Southeastern Conference. We’ll dare him to tell us Florida girls have fat arms in person.

How excited are we? Hell, we’re wondering if we’re even the same girl we used to be. That’s Swing Out Sister/Dusty Springfield excited.

Our four questions for the show:

1. What’s the best road trip destination you’ve been to in college football? We must vote for Notre Dame, simply because for a sun belt naif like ourselves, any game without a jumbotron is a novelty. We second Tennessee, if only because we got spit on by a woman. That’s punk enough for us to love it

2. What’s the road trip destination you want to take most? We want Morgantown at night. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fire booze WOOOOOO!!! Hopefully, with some cooperation from our accomplices, LSU will happen this October.

3. What’s your essential road gadget? Besides the flask? For an SEC fan, a swamp hat of some sort. Sometimes the sun is enough to scorch a few brain cells out of your head on contact, and if you believe Jim Delany, we need to hold on to every last one.

4. What’s your most impressive road performance? Going to Nepal for a month and NOT dying of the turboshits. This seems to be an accomplishment, according to those in the know.

See you tonight.

What: EDSBS Live! online radio, presenting the Underdog Edition.

When: 7:30 Eastern, 4:30 for all you angels on the West Coast.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum, where underdogs from around the world flock to nip and bark at will. To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600.

Who: Travis McGriff, 5′8″ of Gator wide receiver greatness and current spokesperson for the All-American Football League.

How excited are we? Underdog excited.

Our four questions for the show:

1. Adopt an underdog for the 2007 season. Team or player - you decide.

Willie Tuitama. He’s an oft-pummeled quarterback with a first-rank college name who’ll be running the relief worker offense of Mike Leach (surrounded by grasping hands, flinging things as fast as possible in a crowd) at Arizona, where former Red Raider Sonny Dykes will attempt to show the Pac-10 what a truly unbalanced passing game looks like. Tuitama got sacked 21 times last year despite being pretty mobile (or perhaps because of it?) and many were clearly Hit Stick shots.

2. Which underdog are you most looking forward to seeing fall flat on their face?

An allegedly resurgent Florida State, of course.

3. Name your favorite underdog football player of all time.

Contradictorily…Warrick Dunn. We have actually teared up telling people about the trials this one very tiny man has endured in life while still managing to come out as an abnormally decent and kind man. The only Seminole we’d ever chop for comes up to our eyebrows, heightwise. He plays in the NFL, and has for over ten years now. A phenomenal human being.

4. Tell us about your biggest sexual upset.

We banged Mary Matalin at the 1988 Republican convention. Hard. Oh, you mean overcoming long odds, not “being really upset afterwards.” In that case, how about remaining married for nine years? That’s as big an upset of the odds as anyone can claim.