EDSBS Live returns! Listen here as we decide what the narrative will be for this year, summed up nicely in our patented (not quite) four questions below.

1. What is the best stolen storyline for your team this year? For Florida, this would be the exact storyline of the first 45 minutes of Blow: new comers improve our coverage, apply pressure to the opposition, and then make magic happen resulting in gold-lame speedo victory and beachside mansions in Mexico.

Just like that, but with Tim Tebow instead of Pervy McFondles there.

2. What is the worst stolen storyline for your team this year? The remainder of Blow. Newcomers, after initial success, spiral out of control on their own cockiness and end up in football lockdown.

3. If you could wish one storyline on another team……it would be Texas Tech reading the script of Yellowbeard all season long, with the Red Raiders taking us all on a half-cuddle, half-rape on the way to a national championship. Mike Leach with burning hair twists would be boss, too.

4. The plotline of your life was stolen from……a Wes Anderson movie. There’s strange doctors, a rapidly changing array of vocations, an odd lack of demonstrated emotion between family members, a decent but too coy soundtrack, and garbageloads of unnecessary allusions.

Talk to you tonight through a cold medicine-induced haze. (Seriously: tonight we really will be on that purple drank, but strictly for medicinal purposes.)

Percy Harvin: Grounded for spring.

Due to some overdue columnage for The Sporting News, we’re putting the Curious Index off for a bit. In the meantime, Jim from Conquest Chronicles explains a bit about why Percy Harvin may be capable of only running 4.6 forties these days. Enjoy.

Mum has been the word as to what Percy Harvin had been suffering from that required Heel surgery.

I can only speculate, but in talking to a couple of Foot and Ankle specialists here in NYC the preliminary thought is Plantar Fasciitis possibly causing a nagging heel spur. The former will always come before the latter.

From Foot.com

The heel bone is the largest bone in the foot and absorbs the most amount of shock and pressure. A heel spur develops as an abnormal growth of the heel bone. Calcium deposits form when the plantar fascia pulls away from the heel area, causing a bony protrusion, or heel spur to develop.

The plantar fascia is a broad band of fibrous tissue located along the bottom surface of the foot that runs from the heel to the forefoot. (more…)

Mike Barwis would like to casein chocolate milk progressions lifty lift lift and unstable apparatuses yes. Extremities like rubber to steel for football flexibility and bringing pain with stretchy muscle explosive movements and movers. We’re gonna be strong pancaked bioenergetics 400 pounds on the clean RAAAAAAGGGHHH.

New Michigan Strength Coach Mike Barwis

Barwis, as fascinating as he is, will talk you into a drooling stupor after about five minutes or so, so we advise that you limit your contact to that video to a minute at a time, with adequate rest of one minute in between sets, and hopefully building up to a rep of 5 viewings of 5 minutes each as your ideal set.

Barwis is the trainer for the Michigan Wolverines, a team now giddily buying new pants because of their bulging thighs and happily slapping the ground with newfound flexibility after a spring under Gewichtenfuhrer Barwis and his new training regimen. We were mooning on about the wonders of a proper training program, something Michigan certainly seems to be inheriting from West Virginia now that Barwis is on board, when we realized how little we actually talk about training here, especially because if you’re like us, belong to a gym and get phenomenally bored with what you’re doing.

At the very least, you can injure yourself in new and fascinating ways. Today: the pain and glory of Olympic movements.

“Olympic Movements.”

This refers to weight lifting exercises done in Olympic competition, thus the name. (more…)

Remember, this is science. Don’t try this at home without years of empirical methods study and statistical analysis seminars. You may, however, click on the image to see a larger version for the home audience.

Football, and more specifically, college football, is the greatest game there is. What makes it the greatest game, you ask? The reason football is the greatest game is because of the ball itself. The ball is shaped oddly and when it touches the ground it does funny things. Even an expert football player, someone who’s spent their entire life playing the game, often loses control of the ball [see: Wilson, John Parker]. It’s unwieldly and uncontrollable, like the game itself. A football isn’t round, so it’s not like other games. Round ball games are for pussies. You drop a round ball and it comes back to you. You drop a football and you don’t know what it will do. This uncertainty is why college football is the most beautiful game, and largely because of its uncertainty, many would say this year was the most beautiful college football season of all. The twists and turns started in January, still haven’t let up, and we’re only now approaching bowl season. Buried in all of this uncertainty, deep in the bowels of the game, is science. What is this science of which I speak? The cold, hard, indisputable science of recruiting. And buried within this science is the lab of mad scientist Joe Wetzel. In his lab, he’s done the impossible. He’s broken down recruiting class ranks and compared them to actual football results. If you’ve wondered how good of a job your school does with what they have - Joe Wetzel has the answers. He breaks down all the major conferences, and the Big East. Discuss if you will, but remember, this is science and therefore cannot be disputed.

We bring you this message from the Department of Homeland Security because we want you to be not afraid, citizen, but merely aware. Aware that you are in mortal danger at all times. Aware that a bomb could be lurking in that tasty Teriyaki Chicken Sub you ordered from your local Subway. Aware of the fact that not all terrorists have beards*, and that some of them don mustaches, goatees, and other variations of facial hair. (But remember: they always have facial hair.) Aware that your sweet, loyal, loving dog could be enticed to do the work of Islamofascists allowed to feed them strange hamburgers, which is why you should never allow strangers to feed them. Today’s faithful hound could be tomorrow’s dynamite cart! Please help DHS prevent your pooch from turning into a four-legged Guy Fawkes by only allowing a single, non-bearded person to feed your dog.*

Reminder! You’re totally going to fucking die.

Cats, however, work for no one. They operate outside the constructs of the nation-state, and therefore can neither be trusted nor feared. They will just as happily watch you die a slow death from a neutron bombing as they would sit on your lap and emit their coy, heartless purring. But you already knew this, citizen.

So to review: fear sandwiches, beards, and strange hamburgers. Stock up on bottled water and eschew the condoms, since you’ll need none in a world dependent on your seed for repopulation when you emerge from your plastic sheeting bunker.

The Lee Corso Skin Tone Watch is now at TANGELO.Be advised that Lee Corso’s skin tone is dangerously artificial this month, which means you should stay inside and avoid contact with the air, soil, and water–just like Nick Saban does.

*DHS Employees excepted.

**What if I have a beard and also have a dog? This a trick question, because you are clearly a terrorist if you have a beard, and are NOT head of DHS. Turn yourself into local DHS offices immediately, or attempt shaving. If all the hair comes off cleanly, you are clearly not a terrorist. Apply aftershave of choice and go forth, citizen.

EDSBS Live! Radio without commercials, songs, or clean language.

What: EDSBS Live! online radio, presenting the FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL edition.

When: 7:30 Eastern, 4:30 Austin Murphy Standard Time.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum. Or just call (310) 984-7600.

Who: SI’s Austin Murphy, author of Saturday Rules: A Season with Trojans and Domers (and Gators and Buckeyes and Wolverines).

How excited are we?

Robot Rock excited, in honor Murphy’s summer gig covering the Tour de France.

More bands should perform in custom made robot helmets.

Since the season’s here and we don’t have time for this shit, our THREE questions for the night.

1. What game are you watching this Saturday?

WKU/Florida. Georgia Tech/Notre Dame. Georgia/Oklahoma State.

2. Upset watch - who you got?

Tech at Notre Dame. Tenuta’s defense is the only way this happens. Oklahoma State’s on notice, too, since they’ve been given the title of magically unstoppable offensive wonderteam for this season. Prove this to us in Athens, and you truly are the Juggernaut, bitches.

3. Game of intrigue?

Tennessee/Cal. If you say you know what will happen in this game, then you are the father of lies.

See you tonight,

-O.

EDSBS Live! Radio without commercials, songs, or clean language.

What: EDSBS Live! online radio, presenting the earthquake edition. Screw you, uncertainty. We’re pegging the improbable in this edition, predicting college football’s earthquakes months ahead of time.

When: 7:30 Eastern, 4:30 Earthquake Standard Time.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum. Or just call (310) 984-7600. We’d love to talk to you, but remember to brace yourself under the nearest doorjamb before doing so.

Who: Hopefully, technology holding, we’ll talk to you and listener Kleph, who was in Peru for the 7.7 earthquake this week.

How excited are we? Star Blazers excited, motherfuckers. We’re leaving Mother Earth to save the human race.

Four Questions:

1. Pick this year’s earthquake in your neck of the woods. For us possum-eatin’ folks in the SEC, it’ll be Vanderbilt beating Tennessee, Florida, or Georgia. We’re busy praying to gods we don’t even believe in that it’s not Florida.

2. Pick the national earthquake. Whenever USC loses their first game.

3. Name the player out of nowhere who you’d like to see ascend from relative obscurity to greatness in a single stroke of genius. Jehuu Caulcrick, Michigan State running back who survived the war in Liberia and is now a running back for the Spartans. Anyone who survived Liberia and escaped a decent, sane person gets our vote.

4. What’s the most unpredictable thing that ever happened to you? Besides a 6.2 earthquake hitting while we were in a crowded Asian city? Someone dropped a cinderblock on our car from an overpass in Tampa at two in the morning, missing the windshield by two inches or so. If we hadn’t been speeding, we’d have met the cinderblock traveling at eighty miles an hour teeth-first. Viva Tampa!

And when we say first stabs, we mean jagged slashing with a sling blade type jabs at what might approximate a best top ten teams of 2007. (Mmm. French fried potatoes.) In fact, just think of us as the retarded, murderous redneck coming to butcher the art of prognostication, one lonely denim strap unbuckled as a proper top 25 sits drunk on the couch and helpless. Not that you don’t think of us that way already, of course.

Yup. Thankin’ ’bout makin’ a top 25.

The upside is that when it comes to prognostication, we’re all Hills Have Eyes mutants looking for a fresh meal for daddy, since we all uniformly suck at predicting the future. It’s a great trick of the human brain: we’re terrible psychics, but we’re superb editors, giving ourselves credit for things largely acheived by outrageous fortune, a little hard work, and the endless combinatorials of fate. This explains why you can tell yourself you did not, in fact, want that promotion, you are, in fact, quite happy with the way your body looks, and that you think that despite having no offensive line, a quarterback you’ve personally seen vomiting up a 12 pack in a Quik Trip parking lot, and a coach with the IQ of a salamander, that you think [INSERT TEAM HERE] has a great chance to [ACHIEVE SOMETHING THEY MOST DEFINITELY CANNOT, PUNY HUMAN.]

And yet despite the innate futility of predicting the future value of college football teams in the upcoming season, it’s a great time-killer, and not an entirely inaccurate one thanks to inequities within college football. (more…)

What: EDSBS LIVE online radio.

Why listen? Again–because the season finale of The Deadliest Catch isn’t on until 9:00 p.m. eastern? And without men, crabs, and cold salt water, what the hell else do you have to talk about?

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (which, again, remains damn lively). To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600.

Who: Sunday Morning Quarterback, who will be discussing the WAC and especially focusing on rising hottness in the form of the Hawaii Warriors.

Our four questions… As always, the format for short attention spans for the show:

1. What year was paradise for your team? What time is it right now? Yes, that time. The previous apex for the Florida Gators had been somewhere around January 4th, 1997 prior to this year’s Fiesta Bowl. But given the basketball/football bifecta, it’s difficult to argue with this year’s overall afterglow of opponent-incinerating Ricky Bobby-urine excellence, even if it was unfairly chomped from the plush, beer-fed asses of a single unfortunate team, TEH Ohio State Buckeyes.

2. What does your gameday utopia look like? Begin with the temperature–above 90 degrees with fifty percent humidity, preferably. If Football Zeus is kind, it will rain gouts beginning in the second half. Everyone will have consumed at least three beverages of sickening strength; when animals attempt to consume their dregs out of garbage cans, all cleanup worker will find are squirrels, rats, and hapless voles with four dead legs rising stiff into the swampy air.

The rest will be heat, volume, and four hours of incessant screaming done with circular breathing done with the fury of a Roman crowd inflamed with gladitorial bloodlust. Do not sit. Do not relent. After all: this is Sparta.

3. Describe the perfect game - situation and score.

340-0, Florida v. Florida State. 12 INTs. 23 Fumbles. We knock out five of their quarterbacks, forcing them to use their punter under center, who simply takes the ball and falls directly on his ass twice before punting on third down…and having it blocked for a touchdown. Bobby Bowden resigns in the second quarter; interim coach Mickey Andrews follows in the third. Governor Charlie Crist cedes the entire university to Mexico to excise the shame of the loss before the close of fourth. Afterwards, FSU’s players quit in unison, burn their uniforms, and take up lives of noble public service or join the clergy.

4. What’s your favorite show/movie/book that has to do with Hawaii?

Duh. The show that taught us that if you had to not be an embittered, antisocial vigilante superhero for a living, you may as well have a best friend with a helicopter.

Another lesson we learned from Thomas Magnum: sometimes, you just have to shoot a nun.

Talk to you tonight.

What: EDSBS LIVE online radio.

Why listen? Because the Deadliest Catch doesn’t come on until after the show, and because we’ll be discussing the Big 12, America’s rootin’, tootin’-est conferences. To keep the regional theme constant, we’ll be handing out fried Snickers and toilet bowl meth…very, very politely, mind you.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (which remains damn lively). To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600.

Who: Tonight’s special guests are Chip Brown from the Dallas Morning News and Seth J from Double T Nation (Texas Tech). Guaranteed bonus Mike Leach pirate discussion should be enough, but we’ll throw in a real journalist just for the hell of it.

Four Questions: As always, our four questions for the night.

1. Who emerges atop the Big 12 scrum this year? Oklahoma State. The offense has Bobby Reid pulling strings, Larry Fedora calling plays sans shoestrings (even with them he did a fine job at Florida), and a nice upward trend from 4-7 to 7-6 last year. A young coach, improved defense, and no one looking out for them all strike the eye as fetching, like a comely lass in a parasol we’d like to buy a sarsparilla for at the park.

(Anyone with any brains will pick Oklahoma or Texas. But that’s not us, and you know it.)

2. Now take it a step further. Does the winner of the Big 12 play for the BCS Title game this year? Sure, if there’s not an undefeated Big East team, who would face a one-loss LSU or Pac-10 team. Oklahoma may have a slight edge, since Texas would have the shameful pygmy heads of Arkansas State, UCF, and Rice as trophies in an undefeated scenario, weak nancies, all of ‘em. At least the Sooners could claim Miami (FL), even in year one under Randy Shannon, which would give them a slight SOS advantage.

Then again, Texas could claim Oklahoma if they won…which is why the strongest candidate would be an undefeated Oklahoma State team, since they could have Georgia’s scalp on their resume, too, provided UGA sleepwalks through their opener as they’re wont to do from time to time, along with Oklahoma and Texas, too. They’d be the strongest candidate, but again, since we’ve picked them it ain’t happening.

One albatross, however: human beings still being a factor here, Oklahoma will suffer for crapping out against USC and LSU in recent BCS championships, no matter the circumstances. People have short memories, but they have ‘em, fair or not.

3. If I paid you $500,000 would you permanently move to Nebraska? If not, what’s the threshhold? $1,000,000? $10m? For how long would you move to Nebraska for $500,000? For $500K, we would sleep in an open pasture in Nebraska for a year. That’s 500 large, there. As long as the pasture had wireless, we would be fine. Which in all likelihood means we wouldn’t do it.

4. Because our show is so dependent on juvenile humor, the obligatory sex question: What’s the sexiest mascot in the Big 12?

We go pirate, of course, but only because the words “Pirate Fetish Machine” beg to be used in a band name, tattoo, or novel title.

You’ll never look at Baylor the same way.

Talk to you tonight.

What: EDSBS LIVE online radio Click that or the banner thingy to your right to listen…because Ragin Cajun Rebel is our co-host tonight while Peter Bean is taking “a German holiday” in Paris and looking to become the second Texan to make France its bitch. And unlike Lance Armstrong, Peter can do all the doping he wants.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (which has gotten damn lively). To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600.

What: Tonight’s special guest is…Johnny Hangover! Actually, it will be Ragin Cajun Rebel, our anchor leg guest who will kindly fill in for Peter tonight. Expect…SPICE, since we will be appropriately discussing what’s going to be hot and not hot for 2007 in college football.

Four Questions: As always, our four questions for the night.

1. OMG What’s hoTT? We say the Mike Leach offense, which after years of skepticism is slowly sinking into programs in desperate need of offensive life (Baylor, Arizona, etc.)

We’ll also say the WAC, since writers can now name TWO whole teams of substance from the conference after Hawaii beat the daylights out of a hobbled ASU team in the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl last year.

2. OMG What is soooo not hooooottttttt? Notre Dame, year three of Robot Geniushood: (more…)

It was pointed out to us that, although we have featured Ms. Agustina’s (not her real name) posterior before, she was never officially a Friday Cheesecake entry. So here we go. We give you, Keyra Augustina of Argentina.

(more…)

What: EDSBS LIVE online radio Click that or the banner thingy to your right to listen…if you want your brain exfoliated.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (which has gotten damn lively). To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600. We’re having real, live RADIO PROFESSIONAL PAUL FINEBAUM ON TONIGHT, just because we want to feel bad about ourselves. (Low self-esteem = more drinkz0rz yay!)

What: Tonight’s special guest is…Paul Freakin’ Finebaum, Alabama journalistic provocateur and current Saban-watcher. We’ll ask him if he’s interviewed Saban and find out if the new coach has had time for that shit or not.

We’re also going to talk USC football, the other goliath under discussion tonight, with Scout.com’s beat writer Garry Paskwietz, who will tell us how Pete Carroll gets those kickin’ abs.

Finally, we’ll have BearMeat’s creators on, since we can’t talk megaprograms without discussing…Baylor.

Finebaum: currently diagramming your next five outrages at him, Alabama fans.

Four Questions: As always, our four questions for the night.

1. Big program you really think deserves the awe. Texas. Something about the power of livestock compels us.

2. Big program which has caused you the most personal anguish.

FSU. The lone consistent brown streak in the clean white undies of the 1990s Florida story. We say consistent to rule out that little 1996 Fiesta Bowl thing ouch bleed thanks for the pain, asshole.

3. Little program you wish was a big program? USF. They’re on the way, but Tampa trash gone college gonzo would be just epic.

4. Name an overrated hottie. Kirsten Dunst is a sunken chested lamprey-woman. Why Spider-Man goes to any lengths to save her mystifies us. Personally, we’d prefer to fight for Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) from X-Men, if only because she looks a little too excited when Wolverine assaults her in the first one.

We’ve decided that Thursday’s curriculum should be art and history. The history’s coming up a little bit later. First, your art for the morning.

1. Wilford Brimley jokes are always great. Add Joe Tiller, and we’re talking canon material here. Someone call Allan Harold Bloom…

2. We’ve never trusted a man in a sweatervest, and we definitely can’t trust a man who wears short sleeves with a tie, much less that ensemble with a sweater. (more…)