Tennessee fans’ attitude toward Phil Fulmer is much like their unique body odor: a layered, complex aroma of pungent, angry deer musk, sweet cinnamon bun odors from breakfast, the smoky country ham odor from lunch, and the angry bite of moonshine on the breath from the liquid dinner. It’s hard to discern whether Tennessee fans are done with him and waiting for something better to come along, affectionate towards him because of the past, or stuck in a muddled, hammy mix of the two.
A Signal Mountain man is facing an obscenity charge after displaying a sign on his car.
A sheriff’s deputy who made the arrest said Jeremy Boyd Eaker, 20, of 7717 Sawyer Pike, had a sign reading: “F— you, Fulmer.”
The newspaper, because they filter reality into soft little edgeless nuggets for the fire-god-fearing mouthbreathing mer-tards who make up 72% of humanity, could not type the word “Fuck.” That’s just a guess: we would not be surprised if “F—” would get you arrested in Tennessee. Either way, we’ll start a defense fund for the guy if you like us to. One paypal account against oppression at a time, internet soldiers. If a gentleman can’t put a crude, handpainted sign telling a football coach to go ride porkpole in his front yard, then what do we live and die for, dammit?
Connecticut is extremely precise with their degrees of badness in the criminal code. Blame that on having daffy Yale law so close by–how else does one get “sixth-degree larceny,” a crime that seems just a hair off from “accepting a gift in an awkward fashion?” Whatever the hell “sixth-degree larceny” is, Connecticut cornerback Joshua Massey caught a case of it for taking exactly $31.34 worth of goods from the UConn co-op. We’re betting it was blades for his nine-bladed razor, the Gillette Agent Orange (”Deforesting Your Face Nine Lethal Goddamn Blades at a Time.”)
The Gillette Agent Orange: It’s Like Deforestation For Your Face.
One point for UConn, whose measly total doesn’t bring them close to the big board.
Perpetually fun Iowa tacks on a point for underage possession, and we don’t mean the Roger Clemens type of underage possession. Defensive tackle Cody Hundertmark broke through the guard of local criminal code and got his hands on some booze, but was charged with holding and fined with fifteen yards and an underage charge. One point for Iowa, though the good news is that they did not lose a player in the incident.
And finally…100 parking tickets for Sam Baker during his time at USC. As someone who parked their car everywhere on the Florida campus, up to and including a primo spot in the aisle of the Latin American History section of Library West, and kept himself warm on cold winter nights by burning piles of parking tickets, we only have this word: hero.
This week’s update brought to you Brian, who as ever is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson. Clarifications, whining, and other bloggy-type questions await.
A slow week on the big board overall, presumably thanks to end-of-semester hecticness and a lack of spring-break style foolishness going on around the college world. We’d like to think this commanding lead in the Fulmer Cup standings means Missouri finally gets one shining moment all to itself. Unfortunately for them, Kansas fans have documented a number of shining moments in the history of Missouri athletics.
(HT: PeteJayhawk.)
If someone’s interested in putting this together for Florida State, we’d be thrilled kthxok?
We’re past the halfway point, meaning there’s good news: you’re more than halfway to next college football season. We’ll wait for you.
Okay, now that you’ve kicked the front out of your desk in excitement, deep breaths. We still have a long summer to go, meaning we’ll give odds on upcoming crimes we’ll undoubtedly see over the next four months in the Cup.
30/1: Arson. A coveted charge for the collector, and usually one started not in a pyromaniacal way, either, but rather with fireworks, alcohol, and a moment of weakness when you let the Imp of the Perverse grab the wheel and steer. Leading suspect: Auburn. Middle of nowhere, drought conditions, and plenty of nuke-powerful fireworks to be had. When you see the smoke and a pickup truck fleeing a burning forest, you’ll know what happened.
17/1: Counterfeiting. As long as Ryan Perrilloux is in this cup, this bet stays on the board. Leading prospect: LSU. Because it’s Louisiana. More said would be wasted words.
6/1: FnDC. The classic, and one we haven’t seen much of as yet. Fightin’ ‘n Da Club is a summer hit just waiting to happen, and when it does, the points rack up fast and furious. Leading suspects: Miami or Florida. If Miami gets involved in a fight in public, they will win nine games this season. If not, they win five.
3/1: DUI. The trusty CD in Fulmer Cup investments. Leading suspects: Tennessee. If the Vols claw their way back into the race, it will come by falling out of a car in full sight of a dashboard camera. We blame the state: we’ve never lived in a place where DUI was more commonly accepted as something that “just happened” when you were young, much like acne or wearing a regrettable button-down patterned shirt.
The offseason survival guide would like to help you through this long, football-free offseason. In order to speed up this process, we’re all going back to 1979 to learn to be smooth. Crack open the champale and get your SMU jersey out. It’s about to get smoother than you ever imagined, albeit in a non-football way.
A Smooth House. The whole idea of smooth is to pretend you’re living on a houseboat in California, or in a ski house in Vail. (Not Aspen–that’s so 80s, man.) If you don’t have a houseboat in California, that’s fine: purchase a houseboat somewhere else. The houseboat should come equipped with a hot, lanky woman who wakes up in a bikini on it four or five days a week. She should be a marine biologist, or failing that,
If you can’t find a houseboat equipped with a hot, lanky woman in a hip-hugger two-piece, or just can’t find a houseboat, you must consider purchasing a home in the woods. The home should be made of pine cut into boards set at 45 degree angles, and it should feature wraparound decks, huge bay windows in geometric shapes, and an irregular offset roof with a window across the top. It should be decorated in mostly browns, feature lots of rugs and wicker furniture, and have a hot tub you can go into naked with some pink champagne and a brunette majoring in ecology or some shit like that.
Oh, and a fireplace with a rug in front of it, because that’s where you get your smooth lovin’ on. It’s as key as blow, backgammon, and Dallas on Friday nights.
Fondue. No class smoothness can happen without fondue. It’s important if you’re classing up to the Smooth Life to have a primo fondue set. (more…)
Missouri lineman Austin Wuebbels deserves some credit, at least. Though caught with marijuana, a pipe, and beer in the car at 3 in the morning this Sunday, how did our man do on the sobriety test administered to him at the jail after his arrest?
After he was taken to the police station, Wuebbels successfully passed a sobriety test.
Give it up! He failed the possession exam, but THAT’S AN A IN SOBRIETY, PEOPLE!
Wuebbels was about to get off with merely a warning when police noticed him grabbing at something under the dash, a classic example of not living the smooth, baby. Police then found the weed, the pipe, and the booze in the car, presumably factors in why anyone would end up awake and speeding around a smallish town in Missouri at three in the morning. Wuebbels ended up charged with suspicion of possession of less than 35 grams of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of alcohol by a minor and false identification, all misdemeanors.
Even with the misdemeanor tag, that’s four points for the Missouri Tigers, who with three point-heavy arrests have tallied 20 points before the end of the spring semester in taking the lead in the Fulmer Cup. And for that, they deserve shame-claps a-plenty from the audience.
Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson, brings us the Big Board again this week. Notes, invitations to join us for most glorious bearish Russian kettlebell workouts, and refusals to correct follow below.
Notes, corrections, clarifications and obfuscations:
PENDING: MASSIVE POINTS FOR PITT. It allegedly involves a SWAT team, meaning the vaunted Wannstache recruiting charm extends not only to talented humans, but to whatever rough beast requires a SWAT team to remove him from a dorm.
Colorado bumps up another three points and places themselves in the thick of this trailer-park brawl with the arrest of Jake Duren, linebacker, for breaking into a car on campus this past weekend. Duren had just had an outstanding spring scrimmage, so in order to celebrate, he did the logical thing:
Duren, according to CU Police Cmdr. Brad Wiesley, was found bloody and smelling of alcohol in a hallway of a family housing complex near the campus. Duren, his hand bloodied, apparently had broken into a vehicle in the complex parking lot, Wiesley said.
Duren does not live in the complex, and Wiesley said Sunday night that campus police do not know why he was there.
“Found bloody and smelling of alcohol:” The subtitle for our autobiography, ranking right up there with “And now I am filled with shame” for the winner’s spot in that contest. Duren was immediately booted from the team by Dan Hawkins, who surely noted the youngster’s shorting on discipline and love early in life whilst tossing his locker contents into a cardboard box.
Extra bonus SMRT: how did the police link him to the scene of the crime? Duren left a trail of blood behind him.
Bell, 21, was arraigned before District Judge Daniel Hoffman on numerous charges, including terroristic threats, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person, disorderly conduct and harassment. He was jailed, with bail set at $50,000.
All of the charges are misdemeanors, leaving us with five points on five charges. Even with one bonus point for the spectacularly stupid nature of the crime, the max we can award here is six points. For the perverse Penn State fan hoping for more points here, you should be ashamed. (And, um, no, you can’t have any.)
Anyone’s game at this point. True, boldfaced header: it is anyone’s game. We seriously, seriously doubt Missouri can rack up more points this season. (If they do, the “Pinkel Cup” has no ring to it.)
Ryan Perrilloux missed his second practice in a row at LSU, meaning the likely starter at qb for the Taigahs is in trouble again. Which he is:
A server at Kona Grill in Perkins Rowe told The Daily Reveille late Tuesday night that Perrilloux arrived at the restaurant 30 minutes after it closed Friday.
Perrilloux entered the bar and attempted to order drinks. After he was denied service, Perrilloux began to curse and use racial slurs, the server said.
A Kona Grill manager approached Perrilloux, who then cursed the manager. The server said Perrilloux was asked to leave. And the police were called to the restaurant, but Perrilloux had left by the time any officers arrived.
The manager at this point is clearly over getting hundreds of calls from people both wanting to know what happened, as well as those threatening to burn down his establishment and turn his dog into boudin if he even thinks about pressing any charges. Perrilloux, though, could have been in the right in the situation, but only if this was the scenario.
Perrilloux: Barkeep, a glass of your most subtle, well-wrought pinot noir, please.
Bartender: Dude, we’re closed. And we only have a Willamette Valley, and frankly, it’s a little flabby. And this:
Perrilloux: BASTARDS! DO YOU NOT SEE ME IN NEED NOT ONLY NOW, BUT IN THE FUTURE! YOU MUST INCREASE YOUR PINOT NOIR SELECTION IMMEDIATELY AND BE GONE WITH THIS PIFFLE!
Bartender: I’m getting my fucking manager. Hey, are those pink 20 dollar bills in your hand?
If it wasn’t this exact conversation, the Perrilloux is clearly in the wrong. Or the whole thing didn’t happen. No one’s really sure, and even if it did happen, you’re hearing nothing of it—see both the “attention” of curious fans and a personal call from Les Miles, a call that had to go something like “Sir, I’m really, really sorry, here’s some tickets and don’t press charges because seriously, all we’ve got is a redshirt frosh behind him and we’re going to Florida and Auburn this fall. Leave a filet on the back burner for forty five minutes and then take a look at it. That’s his ass on the road if Perrilloux can’t stay on the team.”
RCR sums it up well in an email:
Seriously, think about this. Not only has this guy said fuck you to the rules over and over again, but its at the point now where Miles is actually calling places personally to apologize for his QB’s behavior. How fucking embarrassing is THAT?
It’s so embarrassing that he’s…he’s…he’s going to be the starter this fall? Really? Yes?
The big board continues to swell with fresh points. This week’s Fulmer Cupdate, as always, is brought to you by Brian, who continues to be hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.
Mississippi State bang-bangs their way onto the board with a murky “shooting incident” on campus in Starkville last Friday. Two players were involved for certain: Michael Brown and Quinton Wesley were both sent screaming off the team with all due speed following the shooting, and others may be involved since the Miss State roster was sporting a few conspicuous holes during their spring game Saturday. (Urban Meyer finds all of these punishments harsh.)
The incident began with the source of all trouble, naturally: a convenience store.
MSU Police Department Lt. Don Bartlett said an altercation at a convenience store near the campus — the B-Quik store on East Lee Boulevard — occurred a few hours before the incident at Zacharias Village and “may have been the motivation” for the gunshots at the residence hall complex, The Starkville Daily News reported.
H.I. and the entire Tennessee football team agrees: convenience stores are hellmouths of trouble for the young mind, with their slushees, cheap beer, lotto tickets and pork rinds. Virtue is staying away from them entirely, kids.
Cincinnati lights up a few points–two points, to be specific–for Terrill Byrd smoking weed in his residence. Well, at least he can buy booze on Sundays, unlike the good citizens of Georgia, who instead must drive to a bar, where they get hammered, buy some fried food, and then hit the roads after drinking. Sonny Perdue, don’t you have rain to pray for instead of persecuting the lazy alcoholics of this fine state? Lazy alcoholism at home is a family value in the South, dammit.
(We don’t actually know if one can buy booze on Sundays in Cincy. All we know is that Sonny Perdue can go fuck himself with a corkscrew for limiting our personal freedoms in the name of winning a few Jebus voters in Crisp County.)
Missouri still sits atop this thing like a prize drunken peacock, but several teams sit in striking distance. Just a few misdemeanors separate Tennessee from Mizzou, and if any team has the gumption, abundant convenience stores, and raucous, enabling campus environment to make this thing happen, it’s Tennessee, dammit.
Stephen, what would the Great Eagle Spirit do, man? HE’D DRINK THAT FUCKIN’ BEER, THAT’S RIGHT.
Stephen Garcia sits in his dorm, alone except for the tiny, floating Matthew McConaughey on his shoulder.
SG: I’m fucking bored man.
Tiny, Floating Matthew McConaughey: Brah, stop the bitchin’ and get to itchin’. If it’s too quiet in the church, who’s gonna make some noise if you don’t ring some bells, man?
SG: I’m gonna set off the fire extinguisher. I’ve been wanting to do that for weeks.
TFMM: RIGHT ON. Take your shirt off and make it happen. You’re like a primitive warrior ready to fight in mud with a loincloth naked, and the fire extinguisher….it’s like some ancient sabretooth you’ve got to own. Just like I punched those dragons in Reign of Fire.
SG: Fuckin’ right. Sometimes I can hear it taunting me.
TFMM: It IS taunting you. Can’t you hear it now? I can because I’m Toll Housed.
SG: Ring ring, you little red bitch.
TFMM: You’re a dolphin in a sea of purple freedom, baby YEAH. (more…)
We’re off to Vegas to cover the first weekend of the tournament for The Sporting News, and it promises to be Con Air awesome, minus the Nicholas Cage Skynrd locks. Follow our descent into madness–and really, the aim is to destroy this gig and never, ever let anyone come close to our rapid mad post rate ever again–one of several ways.
The Sporting Blog. Not only does it have our interview with Ric Flair, but it will have our posts on what Vegas during the first weekend of March Madness looks, feels, smells, and feels like, including the part where we wind up drinking $2000/bottle cognac from goatskins with the sheikhs of Dubai at a live man versus panther death match in the hills of Nevada.
Step One, this. Step Two, fire up laptop. Step three: MASSIVE PROFITS.
Flickr. I’ll be posting photos live from the fracas, as well, so keep up by following here.
Twitter. For those too ADDled to even get through this blog post, we’ll be posting on the EDSBS Twitter feed muy rapido all day and most of the night.
Your guest host will be Oops Pow Surprise from Black Heart, Gold Pants , a demented gent who promises to not only provide the Curious Index, but an installment of “Things Black and Gold People Like,” the latest in our series of fan profiles. We will usurp the Iowa jokes by saying the only one we know for sure: meth.
Godspeed. And wish the same to us. If we fail to come back from this mission, know that we went to bat country happily.
Apocryphal stories are the best, since even when they may not be completely true their semantic strength holds up most of the time. Why? Because somewhere in that crusty Combo of potential fiction lies the delicious nacho-flavored vegetable shortening of truth.
Like that, times ten.
We received this story about club-rockin’, alleged money-launderin’, baby-kissin’, wife-stealin’, and wheelin’ and dealin’ Ryan Perrilloux, LSU qb and bayou sybarite. The following takes place in a strip club, and has been edited to include two abbreviated profanities and protect the identities of those who may have seen it.
SCENE! And in (silent finger count 3-2-1…)
West BR strip joint last week when RP and Shomari Clemons came in. The two of them behaved themselves (evidently smart enough to know that being tigers won’t keep them from getting an ass whipping if they screw up in a bar. Come to think of it, RP has personal experience with that.) RP told the guy that he is still on the team and will be starting QB next fall.
Then as RP is leaving he yells at the top of his lungs “You motherfuckers are looking at the next 60 motherfucking Million Dollar Man!”
King Kong ain’t got shit on Ryan Perriloux! As the tipster points out, Perrilloux’s of drinking age and has every right–yes, dammit, a right–to be in a strip club and can consume alcohol legally as an adult. (A guy who’s stealing our strip club exit line, though, has got to get some new material. We’ve been saying that shit for years.)
LSU fans should treasure the golden jewel they have, though: a rampaging jewel of a man-beast with passions for all the finest things in life. His strip clubs, you must open them to him; your Hennessy and Hypnotiq, you must mix into a tasty green brew for him. Your abundantly gifted ladies of pleasing proportions, you must bring to his crib in numbers. His empire shall be called Perrilousiana, and it will be be flyer than the United States Air Force high on mushrooms. All else is but frippery, my friends. Let the luxuriaciousness begin.
THE BIG BOARD IS A COMPLICATED–damn you, Caps Lock. Apologies for the yelling. Sweetly, sotto voce.The big board this week is a crowded affair, reflecting the hectic activity of the past two weeks and readers’ insistence on properly counting things, something we struggle to do.
Apologies and flailing attempts at accounting follow.
Buffalo’D! Colorado gets in some mountain man brawling, perhaps vibing a bit to ferociously off the instructions “YOU NEED TO GO OUT THERE AND HIT THEM IN THE MOUTH!” That is precisely what Colorado tight end Riar Geer did, as he should with an evil Norwegian hit man’s name like “Riar Geer.”
In an unrelated situation, Geer was arrested late Friday following a fight on The Hill in Boulder that evening. Geer allegedly punched two fellow CU students in the mouth during the altercation. One had to receive medical attention.
The other student required none, as dead men don’t make complaints. When Colorado football players weren’t punching people in the face this weekend, they were busy punching people in the face with rocks in their hands. Again, whatever rageahol enemas Dan Hawkins has them on are working wonders, as Lynn Katoa showed here.
Witnesses told police that a man, whom they reportedly identified as Katoa, “walked into the apartment, slammed one victim’s head into a wall, then hit another victim with his fist. There were some accounts that the suspect was holding a rock at the time.”
Combined with two prior arrests for Colorado and some negligent accounting on our part, that’s a total of nine points for the Buffs, broken down thusly:
–one point for minor in posssession
–one point for tomfoolery
–three points for Geer’s mouth punching assault charge
–three points for Katoa’s party-brawling
–one bonus point for Katoa feeling the need to allegedly punch someone with a rock in his hand.
Again, the Buffs sit at nine points, a good sign for those who’ve already got them winning the Big 12 North this year.
Sakerlina tags on another point for DB Mike Newton’sdisorderly conduct charge, adding one point to the Cocks’ total. No details on the arrest yet, but given that it’s Columbia, the incident took place at Club (Insert Number here) or some place ending in the singular possessive “(NAME)’s.”
Alabama loses one of their points following the dismissal of Rashad Johnson’s disorderly conduct charges. The board erroneously reads eight, and should read seven. The error is mine, but don’t let it stop Auburn fans from reminding you that that’s a seven, which could be the number of times the Tigers beat Alabama in a row if the streak continues this year.
Devine said he didn’t know why the individual, who he said he did not know, was threatening him but thought it might have been because one of his friends had stepped on his shoes.
It’s a cheapie FnDC charge for each, and Devine’s already copped to it, paid the fine, and is keeping a low profile. Still: five points for the ‘Eers, a total barely putting them on the board in this mad sprint of a Fulmer Cup chase.
Of course we counted something wrong. So leave your corrections in the comments, and we’ll get to them as soon as we stop watching Jim Cramer weep blood over the demise of his beloved Bear Stearns.
It’s White Puerto Rican Pride Day, a.k.a. St. Patrick’s Day. Being white, we imagine at one point someone injected some Irish DNA into our bloodlines, but being white trash we have no definite documentation of that. It’s just a suspicion, especially given the long and proud tradition of high-functioning alcoholism in the family, the lapsed Catholicism, and generally whorish ways of the Irish their charisma and charm, so evident on this site!
In celebration, we present a balanced, fair picture of Irish culture: the Pogues singing “Streams of Whiskey.”
Nebraska junior linebacker Nick Covey received a ticket for underage possession of alcohol at a scene recognizable to anyone who’s ever hosted an open party one expects say, oh, thirty people to show up for:
Officer Katie Flood said when police arrived to that party, the music could be heard from the sidewalk and more than 75 people were inside. Empty beer cans littered the home.
Ah, yes. Covey receives one point, added to the Huskers’ tally in the Fulmer Cup. The only other player involved in the incident that we know who isn’t already draft-entered and leaving Nebraska is Mike Smith, who received the finest charge we’ve seen in a while:
Smith was accused of maintaining a disorderly house, and Purify and Martin of being inmates of a disorderly house.
We’ve been looking for some way to describe our view of existence for a long time. O, the irony of finding the right words at last writ in the prosaic civil codes of Nebraska! Oh, and two more points for Nebraska.
My, that got out of hand quickly. And where did the boat come from?
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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Fuck you, Fulmer!
Stephen, what would the Great Eagle Spirit do, man? HE’D DRINK THAT FUCKIN’ BEER, THAT’S RIGHT.
Like that, times ten.
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