Holly: Rich Rodriguez IS White Goodman IN Dodgeball. Say, did you know Sparty’s chestplate contains actual kevlar? Nice moves, although it won’t save them. RichRod is a smug, entitled bastard, but shoo-law does he have a lot of projectiles in his smug, entitled arsenal. Sometimes the lovable losers win, and sometimes they get their front teeth broken at the gym. (And sometimes the losers ain’t all that lovable. Dantonio, you never call.)

Orson: Michigan State IS Khan IN Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan. Khan had to have a “XX Years XXX Days XX Hours” clock in his bunker on Ceti Alpha V. You know this to be true, just as you know we could have just as easily cast Dantonio as the flower pot falling from the sky in Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, the reincarnated object killed again and again by Arthur Dent’s unending carelessness. Khan, though, has the right ring in terms of attitude. Michigan State is all effort and survival, but ultimately the lack of experience in three-dimensional combat that Rich Rodriguez’s offense has will doom the Spartans (though like the Enterprise in the film, Michigan will suffer significant damage due to lack of shields.)

Clemson @ Maryland

Orson: Maryland IS Mickey Rourke IN The Wrestler. The last chance we’re giving Maryland to prove it is not just a old broken down piece of meat whose best days are behind them. Unfortunately, the comeback has to happen against Clemson, who isn’t exactly Jon Cena in his prime, but who is certainly at least a Dolph Ziggler unwilling to take the dive for an aging former star working on replacement parts. Maryland is giving up 38 points a game, and the chances they have someone who can keep up with Jacoby Ford and CJ Spller are exactly hell now in neverleven.

Holly: Ralph Friedgen IS Jason IN Jason X: The One Where He’s In Space And Shit. Mother of god, Maryland just will not die. 1-3? Losses to Middle Tennessee and Rutgers? Whatever. They’ll knock off opponents better than them at e-ver-y-thing (Clemson and Wake), lose to the walking dead (Virginia and Duke), and win eight games. Somehow. Just you watch.

#3 Alabama @ Kentucky

Holly: Nick Saban IS The Joker IN The Dark Knight. Anybody wanna see a magic trick?

Orson: Kentucky IS Josh Brolin IN No Country For Old Men. He’ll escape with the money. He’ll run. He’ll make it to hotels with no name and hide the cash well. He will display cunning. There’s a man with a cattle gun on Kentucky’s tail, though, and he does not sleep, pounding oatmeal creme pies in the dark and chasing you all the while. Llewelyn Moss may be crafty, but he is not the grim reaper with a mop top hairdo. Nick Saban is, and the pounding running of Mark Ingram will eventually undo the ‘Cats in the end in a game closer than you might expect, but still one that ends with Verne Lundquist talking about a dream he has about his father while the lonely wind howls in the background.

#4 LSU @ #18 Georgia

Orson: LSU IS That Guy in the White Pants IN Enter the Ninja

Actually, we’re picking LSU in this game, but just wanted an excuse to post that. It’s a day game. Joe Cox is your starting quarterback. The Ginger Ninja’s only enemy is the sun, but she is a mighty one. You lose this game, Georgia, and Florida gets the privilege of attempting to deflate LSU’s bloated four spot in the polls next week. Best Youtube commenter, btw:

That guy went through all 7 stages of dealing with death in only 10 seconds, give the shrug a break! The shrug, by the way, was “Acceptance”

So true. You’ll watch Mark Richt go through all seven in the fourth quarter, btw. Like this:

Shock:

Denial:

Bargaining

Guilt

Anger

Depression

Acceptance

Holly: (Forgive the overabundance of Spielberg you’re about to be subjected to, but I’m trying to liven up what promises to be a largely blah-some slate of games this weekend.)A.J. Green IS E.T. IN E.T.: The Extraterrestrial. Gangly, adorable, and absolutely out of this world. Also starring LSU as scary mercenary types with guns who’ve been cuddlied down for sensitive new audiences. And like anyone with an appreciation for awesome, we liked them much better when we were younger and they were scary.

UCLA @ Stanford

Holly: Andrew Luck IS Lorenzo IN Once Upon A Time In Mexico. “You can ru-un, you can hi-ide, but you can’t escape my FLAMETHROWER.” (Maybe paraphrasing there.) UCLA’s secondary actually allowed Jonathan Crompton to complete a pass or two, so real quarterbacks are gonna have a field day. Luck has 742 yards in four games and a passer rating of 146.42. (Oh, and he’s a freshman. Woe betide Pac-10 secondaries for the next three years or so.)

Orson: UCLA IS Leonardo DiCaprio IN Catch Me If You Can The undefeated Bruins would feel like a total con job if they didn’t have a defense capable of slipping them out of the tightest nooses and onto the next schnook willing to take the bait. Every game for them is going to be like 13-10, and at the end it’s Rick Neuheisel grabbing his expensive, stolen suit jacket and using your credit card to hop the next flight to victorytown. You’ll feel dirty and violated afterwards, but you must respect the hustle.

Washington @ Notre Dame

Orson: Charlie Weis IS Clive Owen IN Children of Men. He’s not making it to the end of the movie, but when Brian Kelly takes the baby Charlie Weis got through the flames and hailing RPG rounds and raises it into manhood and back to some semblance of glory, you’ll remember the man who died in the rowboat to make it happen. Oh, and in this analogy Washington is the guy hit in the face with a car battery in the refugee camp.

Holly: Steve Sarkisian IS Johnny Rico IN Starship Troopers. South Bend is an ugly planet. A bug planet. I could talk about Washington’s top-40 passing offense and Notre Dame’s 106th-ranked passing defense, or Notre Dame’s numbers-y passing offense and Washington’s not-terrible passing defense, and how boring the ground games out of both have looked thus far, but — I’m sorry, we have a caller on the line: It’s Sarky from Buenos Aires, and he says kill ‘em all.

#25 Georgia Tech @ Mississippi State

Holly: Dan Mullen IS Jack-Jack IN The Incredibles. Lookit the widdle bitty baby! What a keyuuuute little JESUS CHRIST HE CAN SPIT FIRE (not very far…yet). It was fun to joke about in the summer, but now it’s getting a little uncomfortable to contemplate: What will this team look like in a couple years? Georgia Tech tried to ruin football for me in that Thursday night Cymbalta Bowl with Miami (”Where does Georgia Tech football hurt? Everywhere. Who does Georgia Tech football hurt? Everyone.”), and they remain unforgiven.

Orson: Georgia Tech IS Jimmy Stewart IN Vertigo. The nightmare that never ends: an ACC team headed to an out-of-conference team they should beat. Should, but won’t, as Dan Mullen takes the three and a half players qualified to run his offense, somehow stretches them into eleven, and ends up outshifting, out-motioning, and outflanking GT’s rickety defense in a shootout featuring the maximum number of misdirections and fakes possible in one game involving two teams this year. At then end, Buzz falls from a tower as Dan Mullen in a nun’s habit rings a cowbell and says “God save us all.” (Watch this one, as it will be “fun,” if not necessarily “skilled.”)

Auburn @ Tennessee

Orson: Auburn IS the invading alien horde IN War of the Worlds. Violent and unstoppable offensively, rampaging all they can see until Gus Malzahn is felled by the simplest of defenses: the virus of Auburn running off every coach they’ve ever had. Additionally, Chris Todd may prove to be susceptible to another potentially fatal infection: a defensive line capable of blowing up some of those slow-developing sweeps and fakes Malzahn uses. A fake handoff is useless when it’s made lying on the turf.

Holly: Chris Todd IS Robert Muldoon IN Jurassic Park. Try to imagine yourself in the Cretaceous Period. You get your first look at this six-foot safety as you enter a clearing. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And you keep still because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement – he’ll lose you if you don’t move. But no, not Eric Berry. You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that’s when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side, from the other d-back you didn’t even know was there:

Clever girl.

#7 USC @ #24 Cal

Holly: Pete Carroll IS Matt Hooper IN Jaws. You always hear about killer sharks, but they’re always in some faraway land, say, Berkeley. And no matter how much you study, and how much you hear of their prowess, you’re never quite emotionally prepared to meet an opponent you can’t necessarily overwhelm on talent alone. (Unless you’re Oregon and you take the novel approach of actually blocking Jahvid Best, but whatevs.) Given the injuries to USC and the fact that Tedford actually needs to win this game, I’m calling it a coin flip but pulling for the sharks.

Orson: Cal IS Dave Attell IN Pootie Tang. I can’t, I just can’t, because you know how this ends: USC stacks the box, dares Kevin Riley to throw, and we end up with a 20-17 game where Cal just misses the lip of the ramp, spins end over end in flames, and Jeff Tedord slams his clipboard to the turf before Pete Carroll gives him a “Wa-da-tai, sa-da-tay” at the midfield handshake.

Oregon destroyed Cal. Even without an operant offense, USC scrapes through this one before losing another improbable and inexcusable game down the road.

#8 Oklahoma @ #17 Miami

Orson: Landry IS Colin Farrell IN Miami Vice . Like his character, he will spend most of the film looking disreputably attractive while throwing easy lines against a tough opponent, your inflated expectations for the film/ the Miami Hurricanes. Like that movie, the chances you will remember anything about this game two months after it happens are small, and like Colin Farrell, Landry will be returned to the back burner in favor of more illustrious leading men.

Holly: Bob Stoops IS Vizzini IN The Princess Bride. Never get involved in a Land Thief war, you say? Miami’s hamstrung sans safeties against even Oklahoma’s backup QB. But it’s Big-Game Bob! But it’s not a BCS bowl, so he should be fine! But Miami’s beaten opponents thought not to be too bad at football at the time of the beating! But who will cover the Sooners’ wonderful downfield toys? Grow up fast, Baby ‘Canes. You’re a lot more fun at your fighting weight.

Navy @ #6 Ohio State

Terrelle Pryor IS Belle IN La Belle et la Bête. Not the Disney cartoon Beauty & the Beast, but the 1946 Cocteau version where everything is sepia-toned and miserable. (The rest of Columbus is the beast, whom la princesse charms with his gentle, caring ways and methed-up deer speed.) The Buckeyes are a three-touchdown favorite, but Navy has been popping up here and there as a trendy upset pick. This year, that’s a mistake. Niumatalolo is as wizardly as he is unpronounceable, but OSU actually looks to be fielding something on the order of a solid (no, really, for real this time) squad and Tressy has a sterling opening record. (If this were the Disney version, though, he’s so totally that matronly teapot.)

#13 Georgia @ #9 Oklahoma State

Mark Richt IS Obi-Wan Kenobi IN Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. The East is down, but not out, you rebel scum. Though contractually obligated to take Georgia here, it’s not a bad bet. Even with a not-grievously-injured Zac Robinson and zippy Dez Bryant primed and ready, the Richt “We <3 U Lowered Expectations” party line is a party line for a reason. And while Okie State may not have to play the kind of frantic, tailspinny defense usually required of Big XII South squads, Georgia’s backfield woes have been unnecessarily exaggerated (even is Joe Cox is just wheezing back there and can barely lift his arm to hand off). Woe betide the rest of the SEC when they emerge from their summer cocoons, more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Nevada @ #23 Notre Dame

Jimmy Clausen IS Sonora Webster IN Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken. It’s a dirty thrill a minute when you join up with Jolly Charlie’s Travelin’ Circus, but be warned — one instant you’re a diving girl in a pretty dress savoring the roar of the crowd, the next minute you remember you signed on to jump a goddamn horse off a high platform into a barrel and people paid good money to see your slender ass go through with it. Nine billionteen points later, knowing these two quarterbacks, will J-Claw be the toast of South Bend or blinded in a freak accident and reduced to learning the ways of life — and love — at the strong, silent hands of Al Carver? (In the movie. It happens in the movie.) My money’s on the other baby ostrich signal-caller, EDSBS favorite Colin Kaepernick. (Programming note: Just for giggles, I’ll be picking against the Irish for the entirety of the season, even when I don’t think they deserve it, just to see how long it takes for this one Y! commenter of mine to plant a bomb in my car. I explain this here because y’all have a singular ability, unparalleled anywhere else on God’s green internet, to take a joke with good cheer, and because Harrison Smith and Golden Tate are still my boys no matter the jersey colors. Although, for rills, we really think they might get outgamed tomorrow.)

Baylor @ Wake Forest

Robert Griffin IS Tom Waits IN Coffee and Cigarettes. ZOMG ROBERT GRIFFIN IS ON OUR SCREEN THIS IS GOING TO BE SO FUCKING SWEET…and then five minutes later we have absolutely no clue what just happened, only that this is supposed to be awesome because everyone we know keeps telling us so. (Actually, as the only player on either team worthy of any affection we’d cast Griffin as RZA, GZA, and Bill Ghostbustin-Ass Murray in the only memorable sequence of the bunch.) Like, you know you’re supposed to watch this because this is material you’re supposed to care about, but around the 40-minute mark you start to get low on oxygen.

This is the college football equivalent of “Delirium”, and Wake might as well get their disappointing asses out of the way early.

Missouri vs. Illinois

Juice Williams IS Inspector Thompson IN Gosford Park. Bumbling but jovial, in charge but out of clues. The case won’t get solved but an amiable solution will be arrived at, thanks in no part to our dear Inspector. Williams absolutely baffles my other internet boss, whose usually steel-coated unflappability falls to pieces when trying to justify his utter conviction that Williams is a terrible quarterback with numbers that say otherwise. (Co-starring Arrelious Benn as the world-weary, put-upon copper who actually treads closest to cracking the murder mystery but whom everyone refuses to pay the slightest bit of meaningful attention.) We lost all interest in Mizzou with the departure of our favorite ready pizza joke franchise. I-L-L!

#20 BYU vs. #3 Oklahoma

The entire BYU two-deep IS Roger Thornhill IN North By Northwest. Oh-oh, mistaken identity! Someone’s got BYU mixed up with a squad that has a sliver of a snowball’s chance in hell of hanging with the Sooners. There’s a pretty wide class gap in the rankings when two ranked teams are separated by oddsmakers by a margin of over three scores. Can freshly-minted Indianapolis Colt Austin Collie be replaced? Will it even matter since Max Hall has no line to speak of thanks to injury and attrition? Can BYU afford any sort of slipup with fellow MWC upstarts Utah and TCU at their shapely heels? No, no, and nuh-hoooooo. This kind of pressure this early in the season may crack Big Game Bob Stoops, but not in Week 1.

#5 Alabama vs. #7 Virginia Tech

Tyrod Taylor IS Billy Batts IN Goodfellas. I am fondly reminded of my “because FUCK Clemson, that’s why” opening-week pick last year, which turned out to be accurate enough, but while the Hokies are overrated, they’re not that overrated, and just had the bad luck to schedule a buzzsaw on the opposite sideline for Week 1. Bama has only begun to flex its mob muscles and is hopping goddamn mad after their last appearance on a football field of any import. Virginia Tech will be shot, thrown into a trunk, stabbed, and re-shot just to make sure. Is McElroy any good? Does it matter, when it’s Julio Jones going to get the ball? CyberTyde hums in stern approval at your predetermined acquiescence, Hokie-types, and would point and nod if he had hands or a face. He’ll settle for yours.

Maryland @ #12 Cal

Chris Turner IS Carol Anne Freeling IN Poltergeist. Ignoring all manner of portentous signs that all is not what it seems, most notably last year’s bizarro match, the Turtle is the one what ought to be fearing this week. Jeff Tedford may finally be manifesting his true evil potential, largely by means of getting out of his own genius-y way, and his ire is not to be discounted in a grudge match. Also, at one point Jordan Steffy will be dragged into a bottomless pool of scummy mud-water by animated skeletons, all played by Ralph Friedgen, who is totes skinny now, did you hear huh huh?? MINI FRIDGE JOKES, HIGH FIVE!!

#8 Ole Miss @ Memphis

Dexter McCluster IS the Alien Queen IN Alien: Resurrection. The Rebels. They’ll breed. You’ll die. And with Houston Nutt at the helm it’s gonna be ugly as all get-out and hackneyed as hell. Jevan Snead is the comely Winona Ryder in this inexplicable cinematic juggernaut, and Houston Nutt is Ellen Ripley, who cannot die but who can make some rrreally gruesome mistakes. This won’t be one of them.

Colorado State @ Colorado

Darrell Scott IS Nicolas Cage IN Knowing. Will Scott spend more time in the endzone or on the training table this season? Can Dan Hawkins get to ten wins, ever? And what of the perpetual plight of being the coach’s kid and not that good at football? Who cares; (SPOILER!) the earth is about to be destroyed in fire at the end of the fourth reel, with Hawkins and a trusty stuffed rabbit its only survivors. (Buffs, then. We guess. Since we’re all gonna die anyway.)

Cincinnati @ Rutgers

Brian Kelly IS Elizabeth Bennett IN Pride & Prejudice. Or, more accurately, Keira Knightley, tabbed for stardom early on, with some out-of-nowhere indie and blockbuster successes and a sterling record, and a reputation as kind of an asshole that somehow just leaves us wanting more. (Getting crabby about having to shake Kragthorpe’s hand after beating him, on the road? TOP SCORE, Commodore.)

Miami (FL) @ #18 Florida State

Sean “The Cobra” Spence IS Corey Woods IN The Wizard. Yes, the whole thing is just a trumped-up commercial enterprise over untested or falling-apart structural work, and neither squad has stood the very late test of time, but we’ll be tuning in. Because we love The Wizard because it’s The Wizard, and we love Miami just for being them. Because Randy Shannon’s deep doe eyes make little unicorn-shaped crystals form on the walls of the black pit where our heart should be. Because fuck Florida State, that’s why.

I’m Richie Cunningham, and this is my lovely wife Oprah. Allow myself to introduce . . . myself: I’m Doug Gillett, proprietor of Hey Jenny Slater, occasional contributor to Dr. Saturday, and jet-setting international jewel thief; along with the lovely Holly — fellow Doc Saturday contributor, EDSBS associate editor, and L.A. Times Kitten With A Whip Award winner three years running — I’ll be gingerly manning the controls of this blog for the next week and trying like hell not to wrap it around the very first tree I come across. As a gesture of goodwill, I hereby promise to be at least 70-75% as funny as Orson at all times; if you’d like to send me tips, love/hate mail, or grainy boob shots, shoot them to heyjennyslater.blog at gmail.

You call it a “low bar”; we call it “reasonable goals.” UCLA linebacker Reggie Carter is happy with the play of redshirt-freshman QB Kevin Prince in spring practice, as evidenced by this glowing praise:

“He doesn’t move around a lot and he doesn’t flinch,” Carter said. “He stays in the pocket and he makes the right decision. If it’s there, he throws it, if it’s not, he keeps it. That’s all I need. I don’t want him to throw the ball to other people. As long as somebody on our team has the ball, I’m happy.”

Even the venerable Los Angeles Times can’t resist snarking off a bit at this comment, but there’s a marketing opportunity here for UCLA if they want it: Give out “STOP FLINCHIN’” T-shirts at games and make that the theme of the 2009 season. It’ll become the must-have wannabe-gangsta accessory in SoCal within days.

“Is this heaven?” “No. It’s Waco.” The buzz is slightly, uh, buzzier in central Texas, where Baylor fans are being treated not only to non-backhanded, genuinely optimistic projections for their football team this year but also to the delicious catnip no true CFB fan can resist: NEW UNIFORMS! Oh, to be in Waco, now that new unis and realistic bowl expectations are here!

He’s so laid-back, it’s intense, man. Things are equally sunny in Ames, Iowa, where first-year head coach Paul Rhoads “has transformed the button-down, strait-laced approach favored by Chizik and embraced a more relaxed, high-energy style.” That seems like a bit of a tightrope walk there, and we have no idea how Rhoads is managing it, but either way he already seems to be more invested in the Cyclone program than Chizik, who, to hear his former players tell it, was frequently “relaxed” to the point of complete apathy. In other news, Rhoads says that teaching his “single-wing pro-style spread offense” has been a challenge, but that he’s still trying to maintain an “intensely involved, hands-off” relationship with his players.

The University of Arizona: Slightly less desirable than a nut house. Accusations of having an “inferiority complex” get lobbed at places like Auburn and Michigan State and Georgia Tech all the time, but take heart, kids — at least your alma maters weren’t literally a consolation prize. According to the U of A’s student paper:

“The University of Arizona didn’t start out in a traditional fashion,” said Theodore Gatchell, an aerospace engineering junior and campus ambassador.

Gatchell explained that the UA was born in Tucson in 1885 only because the Tucson representative of the Arizona Territorial legislature showed up late to a meeting.

“The city of Tucson had hoped to receive the appropriation for the state’s mental hospital, which ended up going to Phoenix,” Gatchell said.

The town was so mad that it got stuck with the university, that the Tucson representative to the Arizona Legislature was greeted with a barrage of rotten fruit on his return home.

Ouch! Tucsonians, take a lesson from the city of Tempe, which was faced with similar disappointment. They were chosen as the home of Arizona State University even though what they really wanted was Arizona’s first legal brothel, but they managed to make it work for them, and in the end they got both.

I’M A MAN! I’M 220!!! Okie State QB Zac Robinson is bigger, more muscular, and more option-y heading into the 2009 season, says coach Mike Gundy. Other than kicking a puppy, Bobby Reid had no comment on these developments.

No, dammit, we want CONFLICT! Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are friends. Yeah, that’s real great for them and everything, but kinda anticlimactic, no? When one of them is caught banging the other’s girlfriend, call us. ]]> http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/08/03/curious-index-832009/feed/ 15 http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/05/05/football-as-life-career-reads-101/ http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/05/05/football-as-life-career-reads-101/#comments Tue, 05 May 2009 16:46:28 +0000 Orson Swindle http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=10160 Football is like life: it has a playbook, and when it breaks down, people get hurt. The first installment of this series appeared here as “Football Analogizing;” it appears here under a slimmer title.

Reads are important on this play, which we’ll call CAREER JET BANDIT X FLY D-BO OVER 2. We’re expecting good protection through a solid zone scheme of a middle class upbringing and lack of obvious physical or mental defect. We’re running four routes on the play. You’ll note the slot receiver is not accounted for in the playbook; this is by design, since you need one career option to forget, and then mourn as your lost ideal once it’s too late to choose it in the progression.

Let’s go through the reads, son.

First read: ASTRONAUT. The quarterback (you) takes the ball in the shotgun and surveys the defense. On this play, your first option is the X receiver, on this play known as ASTRONAUT.

ASTRONAUT is double covered by LACK OF MATH SKILLS AND DISCIPLINE. (Also, you find out you don’t like enclosed places when you go to Mammoth Cave as a nine year old.) It’s important to recognize this early and not force this ball prematurely, as you may end up in the military not flying jets, but instead handing out fresh underwear for hours at a time to new recruits as a logistics man. This throw is off the table, especially with a potential tip from COLORBLIND pressuring from the weakside. You must go to your next option.

(COLORBLIND plays havoc on his play as the 3-4 hybrid end: you can’t tell if he’s dropping to further cover ASTRONAUT, or rushing the qb. He’s a menace confusing the entire left side of the play for the qb. Better to let the running back chip and then go to the flat as an outlet receiver, which we’ll cover here in a bit.)

Second read: Your Z receiver, a.k.a. The Z receiver is referred to here as ADULT FILM STAR.

A quick frantic look and progression through your footwork reveals that Z is not an option due to A LACK OF SIZE against the cornerback of DON’T WANNA BE THAT AVERAGE GUY IN THE ORGY SCENE, M’KAY? Again, recognize this quickly, shuffle forward in the pocket, and move to your next option.

Third read: The Y receiver, or the Tight End, or what we call VET in this scheme. Shifting your feet a third time somewhere around your first semester in college, you eye your third read: VET. It says math is required in the major description, but you don’t believe it, because they’re just animals, right? And animals can’t hire lawyers or complain when your ignorance of basic chemistry puts them in a three day coma. How hard can this be?

Unfortunately, VET is running a short drag round underneath the ROBBER position of HAYFEVER. This throw is also affected by LACK OF MATH SKILLS AND DISCIPLINE, a corner whose locktight coverage indeed affects the entire field. (A good corner is just that valuable to a sound defensive scheme.) It might look open, but it’s not, and a forced throw risks a turnover and valuable time lost to getting all those prerequisites only to find out you don’t savor the special warmth you feel with your arm stuck two feet into a cow’s rectum.

You move to your fourth read, who because of the double coverage on ASTRONAUT should be wide open: the running back, shown here in our terminology as CELEBRITY CHEF.

This option is interrupted both by your lack of any real restaurant experience and THE SHRIMP INCIDENT. This option is blocked, and if you should force this throw twice you will have to rely once again on the kindness of strangers with EpiPens to spare.

The net result on the play will be an incomplete pass, and a PUNT

There are a few more loaded up and ready to go here, but if you have a situation you’d like to see metaphorically represented in football terms, please send it to us at harumphharumph of the gmail or yahoo variety type email address.

Ann Arbor, Michigan, 1920.

“Michiganders of all stripes, behold our new mascot!

SCREAMYBLOODAGONYUNSUITEDFORHUMANEYES.

“Well, now that was a hoo-dilly, now wasn’t it? Who wants a brandy?”

Others: Right, then.

Sie sehen uns nicht. Sie chompen uns nicht.

CUTCLIFFE: Tell me, muse, of the storyteller who has been thrust to the edge of the world, both an infant and an ancient, and through him reveal everyman. I’m an old man with a broken voice, but the tale still rises from the depths, and the mouth, slightly opened, repeats it as clearly, as powerfully. A liturgy for which no one needs to be initiated to the meaning of words and sentences.

MAJORS: Are there still borders? More than ever! Every street has its borderline. Between each plot, there’s a strip of no-man’s-land disguised as a hedge or a ditch. Everyone carries his own state with him, and demands a toll when another wants to enter. The soul of today can only be conquered and governed by one who arrives at each small state with the password. So everyone migrates, and waves his one-man-state flag in all earthly directions.

FULMER: Sometimes I’m fed up with my spiritual existence. I’d like, at each step, each gust of wind, to be able to say “Now.” Now, and now, and no longer “forever” and “for eternity.”

MARTIN: To lie! Through one’s teeth. As you’re walking, to feel your bones moving along. At last to guess, instead of always knowing.
To be able, once in a while, to enthuse for evil. To draw all the demons of the earth from passers-by and to chase them out into the world.

MANNING: Stay alone! Let things happen! Keep serious! Do no more than look! Assemble, testify, preserve! Remain spirit! Keep your distance. Keep your word.

CROMPTON: Where are my heroes? Where are my own, the curious ones, the first, the original ones? Name me, muse, the immortal singer who, abandoned by those who listened to him, lost his voice. He who, from the angel of poetry that he was, became a poet, ignored or mocked outside on the threshold of no-man’s land.

Wait! I want to know everything.
You figure that out for yourself. That’s the fun of it.

Oh, you might have thought you were just talking about Notre Dame, or Nebraska, or whatever doomed team you were trying to hype into believing they could beat a far superior team. But in reality, Lou, we were all taking a knee and drinking it in like wide-eyed freshmen. Like them, for one fateful instant, we believed.

Now you’re Dr. Lou…which forces us to sing songs of lament and instant nostalgia.

(HT: OPS and Holly on the Holtzfarks.)

God forbid you take a second off that spreadsheet, but if your boss is a Mark May-scale dick and won’t let you take two minutes to watch a fine internet production, listen or download below. Boston Market has a great dinner special for $6.99.

MP3 File

Enjoy.

Gameday Remixed is sponsored by Gillette, which reminds you that only Gillette can help you “Look, Feel, and Fuck Your Best.”

The alarm goes off once, but if you hit snooze he jumps off your nightstand (up to 3 feet) and wheels around your room looking for a place to hide before he sounds the alarm a second time. The snooze time can be set from 0-9 minutes, so if you set it at 0 he runs right away. Nothing like a little hide-and-seek to get you going in the morning.

Wheee!

In fact, White had merely purchased a Clocky Runaway Alarm Clock for his roommate to speed their departure for early practices.� We regret the error.

In Monday’s exclusive preview of our forthcoming Tim Tebow biography, it has come to our attention that our staff may have inadvertently but falsely inflated the hopes of many of our young readers.� Mr. Tebow, as of press time, is not in the habit of punching out loose teeth of wee Gator fans as they sleep and leaving money under their pillows, nor is he currently employed as a spy, astronaut, cowboy, railroad engineer, or dinosaur hunter (although the latter would be a stone awesome premise for a TV show).� We regret the error.

In Tuesday’s Curious Index, we reported that USC’s Rey Maualuga has perfected an on-field finishing move inspired by Mortal Kombat, wherein he is able to tear out an opposing player’s spinal column and fashion it into a fetching boa in one fluid motion.� Maualuga in fact intends to construct xylophones out of the bones he collects this season.� We regret the error.

Fight on.

Last week’s edition of the Ryan Perrilloux Memorial Crime Blotter reported that LSU’s entire defensive line had been spotted joyriding through the Spanish Lake Basin in a custom airboat outfitted with satellite radio, detachable sidecars, a full-size barbecue grill, and working gun turrets.� Boosters for the Tigers have since assured EDSBS that the turrets and weaponry aboard are purely decorative in nature.� We regret the error.

Elsewhere in our SEC Literary Roundup, we misidentified the title and contents of a forthcoming book by Georgia Bulldogs coach Mark Richt.� The book is a memoir entitled Dawg Eat Dawg World, not a guide to Dixieland sexual acrobatics called DoggyDog World, as previously reported.� We regret the error.

CLARIFICATION:� We have received a number of complaints regarding our Pac-10 rankings for the upcoming EDSBS-Golden Flake Fantasy College Football Draftacular Presented By YellaWood.� It seems that many readers failed to ascertain our sarcasm in referring to UCLA’s offensive line as “fortress-like” and are having trouble rearranging their draft boards at the last minute.� The following graphic of said fortress was unintentionally omitted from our printed draft guide.

We regret the error, and have shifted the draft date ahead one week to acommodate all necessary adjustments.� Thank you kindly, and enjoy your weekend.

In Tuesday’s Ryan Perrilloux Memorial Crime Blotter, we misidentified the victim of a threatening incident at a Utah intersection as Utes coach Kyle Whittingham. This was based on inaccurate sourcing, as Whittingham was at the Mountain West press day that day, and is strictly a French’s yellow mustard man who describes Grey Poupon as “a bitch’s condiment.” We regret the error.

Also, last week’s Ryan Perrilloux Memorial Crime Blotter reported that police in Boca Raton, Florida raided the summer home of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis, recovering more than $8,000 worth of stolen women’s undergarments. Photographic evidence has since emerged indicating the home in question belongs to Ohio State University coach Jim Tressel. We regret the error.

I regret nothing!!

Wednesday also featured a reference to Howard Schnellenberger’s “invasion” of the Philippines. This is clearly in accurate, as Schnellenberger was born in 1934, making him ten years old during Douglas MacArthur’s invasion of the Philippines.

Schnellenberger did, however, serve in Vietnam, where he picked up his lifelong habit of gelling his hair back with pure napalm and waxing his mustache with gun grease. We regret the error.

Thursday’s interview with ESPN pocket analyst Lou Holtz misquoted the former coach on the issue of the death penalty. Holtz’s enthusiastic support of the use of the electric chair in death-row cases was apparently nothing more than an enthusiastic request for more lemon water from a passing waitress. We regret the error.

In Tuesday’s piece on SEC athletes headed to the Olympics, we described the difficulties of running track in the Beijing air and made reference to the Hinnik Air Quality Scale. We misidentified the scale’s levels, which are clarified below.

0-10: Clean
11-20: Nose-tickling
21-30: Spicy
31-40: Indistinguishable from pepper spray
41-50: Bees.
51-60: Michael Hutchence’d
61-70: Lungrape
71-80: Air actually on fire.
81-90: Encased in solid goo
91-100: China

We apologize to Dr. Jaro Hinnik, and regret the error.

Yesterday’s Curious Index reported that the Tennessee defensive staff have implemented a “back to basics” strategy with its younger secondary players to prepare them for high-profile SEC matchups, administering a quiz to all underclassmen asking them to differentiate between their asses and a hole in the ground. The actual test question is pictured below, asking them to differentiate between a hole in the ground and former Alabama receiver/backfield bane D.J. Hall. We regret the error.

Monday’s profile of Dan Hawkins erroneously reported that the Colorado coach is growing out his hair in the offseason to more closely resemble the school’s mascot, Ralphie the buffalo. Hawkins assures our editorial staff that he merely enjoys the sensation of having his locks braided each morning by cartoon birds. We regret the error.

Tra la motherfuckin’ la.

On July 14th, we described Columbia, South Carolina as being “as butt-nasty as the rattiest corners of Zombieratville Corners, Incorporated Hell, Hell, Hellsylvania, People’s Republic of Hell That’s Right We Really Live in Hell, Motherfuckers.” We apologize to the citizens of Zombieratville Corners for the unflattering comparison, which was unfair. We regret the error.

This week’s Offseason Injury Report stated that several Wake Forest players were hospitalized following an aborted attempt by Demon Deacons head coach Jim Grobe to summon an actual demon, the lesser god of Hell Bes, for a demonstration of proper blocking technique. The shadowy figure in the scrying circle was actually offensive coordinator Steed Lobotzke. We regret the error.

No jumping offsides with this little guy across the line.

In Tuesday’s Crossword, the answer for number 4 Down, “Pam Ward,” was correct. However, the clue was not, and was missing an important definite article. It should have read: “What ESPN announcer was a collegiate champion in weightlifting, specializing in the 69-75 kg snatch.” We regret the error.

Wednesday’s report that Ohio State’s Jim Tressel leads Division I active head coach in Median Sideline Bubble Diameter was incorrectly sourced. A spokesman for Tressel states unequivocally that he has never engaged in such a joyful frivolity as blowing bubblegum. We believe him, and regret the error.

Thursday’s look back at 2007, The Season That Was, noted that former Appalachian State safety and Wolverine slayer Corey Lynch owes his translucently pale and delicate skin to a childhood spent locked in the attic of his grandparents’ manor. Lynch’s mother has since contacted us to assure the world her son is not in any way related to the Cory of V.C. Andrews’ infamous Flowers in the Attic, and merely possesses a naturally alabaster complexion. She then excused herself without allowing us to question her further, explaining she had left a pot of hot tar on the stove. We regret the error.