You might wonder: how does an overeducated Volunteer fan feel about the game? How does “hallucinating in the key of Wim Wenders sound?” to you? If the answer is “too bizarre for digestion,” then read no further; if not, then please, venture into the dark caverns of Holly’s subconscious 24 hours prior to the Gators coming to Knoxville.

Sie sehen uns nicht. Sie chompen uns nicht. (more…)

Lou, you tried. They gave you nothing, but you tried. You were stuck out there with a few props, a whistle, and a Starter cap, and you made magic happen. Now they’ve put you in a suit, forced you to commit a felony by impersonating a doctor, and robbed you of your opportunity to look your team–that team, by the way, being AMERICA–and pump us up for the hard week ahead.

Oh, you might have thought you were just talking about Notre Dame, or Nebraska, or whatever doomed team you were trying to hype into believing they could beat a far superior team. But in reality, Lou, we were all taking a knee and drinking it in like wide-eyed freshmen. Like them, for one fateful instant, we believed.

Now you’re Dr. Lou…which forces us to sing songs of lament and instant nostalgia.

(HT: OPS and Holly on the Holtzfarks.)

God forbid you take a second off that spreadsheet, but if your boss is a Mark May-scale dick and won’t let you take two minutes to watch a fine internet production, listen or download below. Boston Market has a great dinner special for $6.99.

MP3 File

Corso hisses. Desmond Howard counts a very special number for Jeremy Maclin. Chris Fowler pronounces Clemson and Alabama fans as “fucked up.” Gameday gets the thorough remixing and Unnecessary Censorshop treatment courtesy of Holly’s deft digital hands and the magic of TiVo.

Enjoy.

Gameday Remixed is sponsored by Gillette, which reminds you that only Gillette can help you “Look, Feel, and Fuck Your Best.”

Last week’s interview with West Virginia’s Steve Slaton inaccurately labeled the following passage as a quote about Slaton’s roommate and teammate Pat White:

The alarm goes off once, but if you hit snooze he jumps off your nightstand (up to 3 feet) and wheels around your room looking for a place to hide before he sounds the alarm a second time. The snooze time can be set from 0-9 minutes, so if you set it at 0 he runs right away. Nothing like a little hide-and-seek to get you going in the morning.

Wheee!

In fact, White had merely purchased a Clocky Runaway Alarm Clock for his roommate to speed their departure for early practices.  We regret the error.

In Monday’s exclusive preview of our forthcoming Tim Tebow biography, it has come to our attention that our staff may have inadvertently but falsely inflated the hopes of many of our young readers.  Mr. Tebow, as of press time, is not in the habit of punching out loose teeth of wee Gator fans as they sleep and leaving money under their pillows, nor is he currently employed as a spy, astronaut, cowboy, railroad engineer, or dinosaur hunter (although the latter would be a stone awesome premise for a TV show).  We regret the error.

(more…)

Monday’s Getting to Know U: Pac-10 profile of Cal quarterback Nate Longshore contained the following inaccurate paragraph: “Nate Longshore is a British Overseas Territory, 16 miles long, and 3 miles at her widest point. Boasting 33 white sand beaches with crystal clear waters, a contemporary international style, extraordinary vistas, world-class accommodations and mouth-watering cuisine, he is the culmination of your search for the idyllic tropical escape”. The passage actually describes the island of Anguilla, and should have read, “Nate Longshore ranks fourth all-time at Cal in passing efficiency (133.1), sixth in passing touchdowns (62) and seventh in passing yardage (5,732). He has 18 victories as a starting quarterback, second in Cal history, and also owns the top bench press of all-time by a Cal quarterback at 370 pounds.” We regret the error.

In Tuesday’s Ryan Perrilloux Memorial Crime Blotter, we misidentified the victim of a threatening incident at a Utah intersection as Utes coach Kyle Whittingham. This was based on inaccurate sourcing, as Whittingham was at the Mountain West press day that day, and is strictly a French’s yellow mustard man who describes Grey Poupon as “a bitch’s condiment.” We regret the error.

Also, last week’s Ryan Perrilloux Memorial Crime Blotter reported that police in Boca Raton, Florida raided the summer home of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis, recovering more than $8,000 worth of stolen women’s undergarments. Photographic evidence has since emerged indicating the home in question belongs to Ohio State University coach Jim Tressel. We regret the error.

I regret nothing!!

Wednesday also featured a reference to Howard Schnellenberger’s “invasion” of the Philippines. (more…)

While you’re analyzing the wonders of the new Michigan offense…consider our corrections. We regret the error.

Monday’s profile of Dan Hawkins erroneously reported that the Colorado coach is growing out his hair in the offseason to more closely resemble the school’s mascot, Ralphie the buffalo. Hawkins assures our editorial staff that he merely enjoys the sensation of having his locks braided each morning by cartoon birds. We regret the error.

Tra la motherfuckin’ la.

On July 14th, we described Columbia, South Carolina as being “as butt-nasty as the rattiest corners of Zombieratville Corners, Incorporated Hell, Hell, Hellsylvania, People’s Republic of Hell That’s Right We Really Live in Hell, Motherfuckers.” We apologize to the citizens of Zombieratville Corners for the unflattering comparison, which was unfair. We regret the error.

This week’s Offseason Injury Report stated that several Wake Forest players were hospitalized following an aborted attempt by Demon Deacons head coach Jim Grobe to summon an actual demon, the lesser god of Hell Bes, for a demonstration of proper blocking technique. The shadowy figure in the scrying circle was actually offensive coordinator Steed Lobotzke. We regret the error.

No jumping offsides with this little guy across the line.

In Tuesday’s Crossword, the answer for number 4 Down, “Pam Ward,” was correct. However, the clue was not, and was missing an important definite article. It should have read: “What ESPN announcer was a collegiate champion in weightlifting, specializing in the 69-75 kg snatch.” We regret the error.

Wednesday’s report that Ohio State’s Jim Tressel leads Division I active head coach in Median Sideline Bubble Diameter was incorrectly sourced. A spokesman for Tressel states unequivocally that he has never engaged in such a joyful frivolity as blowing bubblegum. We believe him, and regret the error.

Thursday’s look back at 2007, The Season That Was, noted that former Appalachian State safety and Wolverine slayer Corey Lynch owes his translucently pale and delicate skin to a childhood spent locked in the attic of his grandparents’ manor. Lynch’s mother has since contacted us to assure the world her son is not in any way related to the Cory of V.C. Andrews’ infamous Flowers in the Attic, and merely possesses a naturally alabaster complexion. She then excused herself without allowing us to question her further, explaining she had left a pot of hot tar on the stove. We regret the error.