EDSBS » damn that’s smooth

April 23, 2008

OFFSEASON SURVIVAL GUIDE: HOW TO BE SMOOTH, PT. 1

The offseason survival guide would like to help you through this long, football-free offseason. In order to speed up this process, we’re all going back to 1979 to learn to be smooth. Crack open the champale and get your SMU jersey out. It’s about to get smoother than you ever imagined, albeit in a non-football way.

A Smooth House. The whole idea of smooth is to pretend you’re living on a houseboat in California, or in a ski house in Vail. (Not Aspen–that’s so 80s, man.) If you don’t have a houseboat in California, that’s fine: purchase a houseboat somewhere else. The houseboat should come equipped with a hot, lanky woman who wakes up in a bikini on it four or five days a week. She should be a marine biologist, or failing that,

If you can’t find a houseboat equipped with a hot, lanky woman in a hip-hugger two-piece, or just can’t find a houseboat, you must consider purchasing a home in the woods. The home should be made of pine cut into boards set at 45 degree angles, and it should feature wraparound decks, huge bay windows in geometric shapes, and an irregular offset roof with a window across the top. It should be decorated in mostly browns, feature lots of rugs and wicker furniture, and have a hot tub you can go into naked with some pink champagne and a brunette majoring in ecology or some shit like that.

Oh, and a fireplace with a rug in front of it, because that’s where you get your smooth lovin’ on. It’s as key as blow, backgammon, and Dallas on Friday nights.

Fondue. No class smoothness can happen without fondue. It’s important if you’re classing up to the Smooth Life to have a primo fondue set. (more…)

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Not strictly college football, but funny, damn that's smooth, drankin', i do cocaine!, smoooooooth by Orson Swindle

[ 42 Replies ]

March 24, 2008

GAMEDAY TO ORANGE AND BLUE GAME. WE BIG TIME, BABIES.

Urban Meyer drinks your milkshakes–he drinks them up! The internet’s awesome: There Will Be Blood is likely 75 minutes of riveting acting surrounded by agonizingly constructed film school frippery, meaning you have to watch nine hours of grim squinting and sun-fried landscapes. Or you can just watch the coolest scene in the whole movie according to everyone who had the misfortune to sit still for that long free on the internet, and savor the fun of watching a hammered DDL beating a milky preacher to death with a bowling pin. And if that was a spoiler for you, then thank us for doing you the favor of spoilage. You have better things to do with your life, like sit in the FUCKING PHOENIX AIRPORT. (Yes, we’re still there.)

Anyway, Urban Meyer’s got Gameday at the Orange and Blue Game, signalling that Gameday might have grasped the full deprivation of college football fanbase by sending the whole crew (including Erin Andrews, Florida alum) to the game for the festivities and a ripping sunburn. Your milkshakes, we own them.

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My recruiting straw goes ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way over to your milkshake! I DRINK IT UP! I DRINK IT!

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference, acting!, damn that's smooth by Orson Swindle

[ 37 Replies ]

March 5, 2008

MUSTACHE OF THE DAY: ROGUE BLOGGER

Bearded lunatic no more: we’re our own Mustache Wednesday today.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

Filed under: Mustaches, damn that's smooth, lolrus, would you like some sexy beef, your worst nightmares by Orson Swindle

[ 45 Replies ]

February 29, 2008

EDSBS CUSTOM COCKTAILS: THE PAC-10

Our custom cocktails by conference for your relaxing off-season,beginning with the conference of smooth, the Pac-10.

UCLA: The Gin Rick-ey. Take one waterproof M-80 with custom dry-sealed eight foot fuse and set in bottom of highball glass. Cover with ice, 1 1/2 ozs gin, a splash of lime juice, and club soda. Light fuse. Garnish with lime, enjoy. Wait for it to blow up in your face.

Cal: The Tedford Falls Saving and Loan. Fill highball glass with ice, then add 1 1/2 ozs generic Tussin. Top with 18 year old Sherry Cask-aged Macallan Scotch. The initial taste should be one of great potential; the finish should leave you nauseated and disturbed, as if you were white water rafting with Kevin Bacon.

MP3 File

Wazzu: The Pullman Sleeper. Make a double-tall vodka and tonic with mid to low grade hooch. Don’t bother to mix it. Hide it in a very difficult to find place in the bar, and then make people look for it. (Like Wazzu football, it’s in a hard to find place, and once you get there, the quality’s about average.)

The glass half…full, isn’t it grasshopper?

Washington: The Willingham Paradox. Fill a glass with any dark liquor, and only fill it halfway. If your guest asks for more, explain that you already gave them what you had, and that the other bartender left you with only so much to pour from the bottle. If they complain it is half-empty, ask them “Are you sure it isn’t half-full?” and arch your eyebrow sagely. If they don’t like the drink at all, accuse them of not liking it because of its color.

Arizona: The Tuscon Two-Stepper. Just like a Tequila Sunrise, but include five ounces of Visine to ensure steady, debilitating loss for the consumer.

Oregon: The Screaming Swoosh. Add 8 oz Blue Curacao to neon-lined 64 oz chalice. Fill remainder with magnum of Moet Champagne. Watch and ooh as the color changes to a screaming green, and charge to Phil Knight.

Stanford: the Long Island Iced Tree. Mix eight expensive liquors into a single glass. Drink 12 in a row. Throw against wall, cry, repeat in exactly eight months.

Arizona State: The Fun Devil. Standard Bloody Mary recipe, but float 3 oz of 181 rum on top, ignite, and garnish with hard-boiled egg for added protein and drinking endurance. It’s the drink that burns twice! Goes especially well with golf cart rides into volcanoes.

USC: The Godberry Doggfather. Combine Hennessy and PowerThirst Godberry Flavor in a Gatorade barrel in order to win at drinking and therefore, like Pete Carroll says, win forever.

Oregon State: The Beaver. Combine 4 oz Clam Juice with high-quality organic American whisky. Stir with spruce sprig, and garnish with sardines. We could go nowhere else with this beverage but in this direction, and you knew we were snakes when you picked us up, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU???

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS, Pacific 10 Conference, bizarro superman says you're welcome, damn that's smooth, drankin' by Orson Swindle

[ 21 Replies ]

February 21, 2008

CURIOUS INDEX, 2/21/08

He’s a minority hire, in one sense. Bob Stoops will bring down somewhere in the completely fucking ridiculous neighborhood of $6 million in total compensation as the head coach of the Oklahoma Sooners in 2008 thanks to a $3 million benefit built into his contract. (Adore the humorous understatement of referring to any chunk of 3 million bucks as a “benefit.”)

A good question, and an ugly one for the frilly puritans of college football as amateur sport: does this put, for one year at least, Bob Stoops in the territory of Phil Jackson ($6 million/yr) as being one of the highest-paid coaches in the nation, period? This year’s total salary will exceed Saban’s compensation in the college ranks, but won’t eclipse Mike Holmgren’s at Seattle in the NFL: the Walrus rolls in a pile of $7 million annually, though that number does vary by report.

Good Fulmercupdate a-comin’. Five words: Oregon State, drankin’; Louisville, Uzi.

Terrelle Pryor isn’t coming to Michigan, so go ahead and write it down. If E3W is already writing parody pieces about him then they, like the Onion, are merely writing tomorrow’s news today.

Hey, people like to comment on stuff. Imagine. Our piece on why people hate Duke basketball is over at the Sporting News, and currently has 124 comments. We’re positive they’re all intelligent, insightful, and totally worth reading, as are most open comment threads on mainstream media sites.

In further offseason distractions: Yacht Rock returns! Fuck you, Buffett! Kevin Bacon wants to know if you want a little Me-L-T sandwich, baby!