If you would like to know when the next scheduled one is, we can oblige. It will be for the greatest event of the bowl game lull: the debut of Rakontur’s “The U,” the documentary about the rise of the University of Miami’s football program in the 1980s. Saturday, December 12, 2009 at 9 p.m. on ESPN.

Our expectations cannot possibly be met, since the Rakontur crew also put together Cocaine Cowboys, the epic coke documentary that taught us that success does not begin until you have enough money to support the care and upkeep of two full grown mountain lions wandering our mansion (purchased in cash.) It should still be impressive enough on its own, especially since Schnelly is involved.

Also, if this one fails to live up to our fantasies of the U’s blood-orgy beginnings, we still have the trailer for Dawg Fight, their upcoming documentary on the Perrine Backyard Boxing Scene. Given their already stellar track record, Rakontur is the clear leader to win the rights to our unpublished but insane screenplay for an unfilmable epic about the rise of the Wu-Tang Clan. We finished the scene where Gordon Ramsay steals Raekwon’s coq au vin recipe last night, thus forcing Raekwon to turn to a life of hard crime and rap hustle on the streets instead of pursuing his dream of attending Le Cordon Bleu. Powerful, powerful stuff.

Holly: Rich Rodriguez IS White Goodman IN Dodgeball. Say, did you know Sparty’s chestplate contains actual kevlar? Nice moves, although it won’t save them. RichRod is a smug, entitled bastard, but shoo-law does he have a lot of projectiles in his smug, entitled arsenal. Sometimes the lovable losers win, and sometimes they get their front teeth broken at the gym. (And sometimes the losers ain’t all that lovable. Dantonio, you never call.)

Orson: Michigan State IS Khan IN Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan. Khan had to have a “XX Years XXX Days XX Hours” clock in his bunker on Ceti Alpha V. You know this to be true, just as you know we could have just as easily cast Dantonio as the flower pot falling from the sky in Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, the reincarnated object killed again and again by Arthur Dent’s unending carelessness. Khan, though, has the right ring in terms of attitude. Michigan State is all effort and survival, but ultimately the lack of experience in three-dimensional combat that Rich Rodriguez’s offense has will doom the Spartans (though like the Enterprise in the film, Michigan will suffer significant damage due to lack of shields.)

Clemson @ Maryland

Orson: Maryland IS Mickey Rourke IN The Wrestler. The last chance we’re giving Maryland to prove it is not just a old broken down piece of meat whose best days are behind them. Unfortunately, the comeback has to happen against Clemson, who isn’t exactly Jon Cena in his prime, but who is certainly at least a Dolph Ziggler unwilling to take the dive for an aging former star working on replacement parts. Maryland is giving up 38 points a game, and the chances they have someone who can keep up with Jacoby Ford and CJ Spller are exactly hell now in neverleven.

Holly: Ralph Friedgen IS Jason IN Jason X: The One Where He’s In Space And Shit. Mother of god, Maryland just will not die. 1-3? Losses to Middle Tennessee and Rutgers? Whatever. They’ll knock off opponents better than them at e-ver-y-thing (Clemson and Wake), lose to the walking dead (Virginia and Duke), and win eight games. Somehow. Just you watch.

#3 Alabama @ Kentucky

Holly: Nick Saban IS The Joker IN The Dark Knight. Anybody wanna see a magic trick?

Orson: Kentucky IS Josh Brolin IN No Country For Old Men. He’ll escape with the money. He’ll run. He’ll make it to hotels with no name and hide the cash well. He will display cunning. There’s a man with a cattle gun on Kentucky’s tail, though, and he does not sleep, pounding oatmeal creme pies in the dark and chasing you all the while. Llewelyn Moss may be crafty, but he is not the grim reaper with a mop top hairdo. Nick Saban is, and the pounding running of Mark Ingram will eventually undo the ‘Cats in the end in a game closer than you might expect, but still one that ends with Verne Lundquist talking about a dream he has about his father while the lonely wind howls in the background.

#4 LSU @ #18 Georgia

Orson: LSU IS That Guy in the White Pants IN Enter the Ninja

Actually, we’re picking LSU in this game, but just wanted an excuse to post that. It’s a day game. Joe Cox is your starting quarterback. The Ginger Ninja’s only enemy is the sun, but she is a mighty one. You lose this game, Georgia, and Florida gets the privilege of attempting to deflate LSU’s bloated four spot in the polls next week. Best Youtube commenter, btw:

That guy went through all 7 stages of dealing with death in only 10 seconds, give the shrug a break! The shrug, by the way, was “Acceptance”

So true. You’ll watch Mark Richt go through all seven in the fourth quarter, btw. Like this:

Shock:

Denial:

Bargaining

Guilt

Anger

Depression

Acceptance

Holly: (Forgive the overabundance of Spielberg you’re about to be subjected to, but I’m trying to liven up what promises to be a largely blah-some slate of games this weekend.)A.J. Green IS E.T. IN E.T.: The Extraterrestrial. Gangly, adorable, and absolutely out of this world. Also starring LSU as scary mercenary types with guns who’ve been cuddlied down for sensitive new audiences. And like anyone with an appreciation for awesome, we liked them much better when we were younger and they were scary.

UCLA @ Stanford

Holly: Andrew Luck IS Lorenzo IN Once Upon A Time In Mexico. “You can ru-un, you can hi-ide, but you can’t escape my FLAMETHROWER.” (Maybe paraphrasing there.) UCLA’s secondary actually allowed Jonathan Crompton to complete a pass or two, so real quarterbacks are gonna have a field day. Luck has 742 yards in four games and a passer rating of 146.42. (Oh, and he’s a freshman. Woe betide Pac-10 secondaries for the next three years or so.)

Orson: UCLA IS Leonardo DiCaprio IN Catch Me If You Can The undefeated Bruins would feel like a total con job if they didn’t have a defense capable of slipping them out of the tightest nooses and onto the next schnook willing to take the bait. Every game for them is going to be like 13-10, and at the end it’s Rick Neuheisel grabbing his expensive, stolen suit jacket and using your credit card to hop the next flight to victorytown. You’ll feel dirty and violated afterwards, but you must respect the hustle.

Washington @ Notre Dame

Orson: Charlie Weis IS Clive Owen IN Children of Men. He’s not making it to the end of the movie, but when Brian Kelly takes the baby Charlie Weis got through the flames and hailing RPG rounds and raises it into manhood and back to some semblance of glory, you’ll remember the man who died in the rowboat to make it happen. Oh, and in this analogy Washington is the guy hit in the face with a car battery in the refugee camp.

Holly: Steve Sarkisian IS Johnny Rico IN Starship Troopers. South Bend is an ugly planet. A bug planet. I could talk about Washington’s top-40 passing offense and Notre Dame’s 106th-ranked passing defense, or Notre Dame’s numbers-y passing offense and Washington’s not-terrible passing defense, and how boring the ground games out of both have looked thus far, but — I’m sorry, we have a caller on the line: It’s Sarky from Buenos Aires, and he says kill ‘em all.

#25 Georgia Tech @ Mississippi State

Holly: Dan Mullen IS Jack-Jack IN The Incredibles. Lookit the widdle bitty baby! What a keyuuuute little JESUS CHRIST HE CAN SPIT FIRE (not very far…yet). It was fun to joke about in the summer, but now it’s getting a little uncomfortable to contemplate: What will this team look like in a couple years? Georgia Tech tried to ruin football for me in that Thursday night Cymbalta Bowl with Miami (”Where does Georgia Tech football hurt? Everywhere. Who does Georgia Tech football hurt? Everyone.”), and they remain unforgiven.

Orson: Georgia Tech IS Jimmy Stewart IN Vertigo. The nightmare that never ends: an ACC team headed to an out-of-conference team they should beat. Should, but won’t, as Dan Mullen takes the three and a half players qualified to run his offense, somehow stretches them into eleven, and ends up outshifting, out-motioning, and outflanking GT’s rickety defense in a shootout featuring the maximum number of misdirections and fakes possible in one game involving two teams this year. At then end, Buzz falls from a tower as Dan Mullen in a nun’s habit rings a cowbell and says “God save us all.” (Watch this one, as it will be “fun,” if not necessarily “skilled.”)

Auburn @ Tennessee

Orson: Auburn IS the invading alien horde IN War of the Worlds. Violent and unstoppable offensively, rampaging all they can see until Gus Malzahn is felled by the simplest of defenses: the virus of Auburn running off every coach they’ve ever had. Additionally, Chris Todd may prove to be susceptible to another potentially fatal infection: a defensive line capable of blowing up some of those slow-developing sweeps and fakes Malzahn uses. A fake handoff is useless when it’s made lying on the turf.

Holly: Chris Todd IS Robert Muldoon IN Jurassic Park. Try to imagine yourself in the Cretaceous Period. You get your first look at this six-foot safety as you enter a clearing. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And you keep still because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement – he’ll lose you if you don’t move. But no, not Eric Berry. You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that’s when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side, from the other d-back you didn’t even know was there:

Clever girl.

#7 USC @ #24 Cal

Holly: Pete Carroll IS Matt Hooper IN Jaws. You always hear about killer sharks, but they’re always in some faraway land, say, Berkeley. And no matter how much you study, and how much you hear of their prowess, you’re never quite emotionally prepared to meet an opponent you can’t necessarily overwhelm on talent alone. (Unless you’re Oregon and you take the novel approach of actually blocking Jahvid Best, but whatevs.) Given the injuries to USC and the fact that Tedford actually needs to win this game, I’m calling it a coin flip but pulling for the sharks.

Orson: Cal IS Dave Attell IN Pootie Tang. I can’t, I just can’t, because you know how this ends: USC stacks the box, dares Kevin Riley to throw, and we end up with a 20-17 game where Cal just misses the lip of the ramp, spins end over end in flames, and Jeff Tedord slams his clipboard to the turf before Pete Carroll gives him a “Wa-da-tai, sa-da-tay” at the midfield handshake.

Oregon destroyed Cal. Even without an operant offense, USC scrapes through this one before losing another improbable and inexcusable game down the road.

#8 Oklahoma @ #17 Miami

Orson: Landry IS Colin Farrell IN Miami Vice . Like his character, he will spend most of the film looking disreputably attractive while throwing easy lines against a tough opponent, your inflated expectations for the film/ the Miami Hurricanes. Like that movie, the chances you will remember anything about this game two months after it happens are small, and like Colin Farrell, Landry will be returned to the back burner in favor of more illustrious leading men.

Holly: Bob Stoops IS Vizzini IN The Princess Bride. Never get involved in a Land Thief war, you say? Miami’s hamstrung sans safeties against even Oklahoma’s backup QB. But it’s Big-Game Bob! But it’s not a BCS bowl, so he should be fine! But Miami’s beaten opponents thought not to be too bad at football at the time of the beating! But who will cover the Sooners’ wonderful downfield toys? Grow up fast, Baby ‘Canes. You’re a lot more fun at your fighting weight.

Miami’s effort to hijack the Sooner Schooner and turn it into a rolling bonfire will have to happen without starting safety Randy Phillips, who along with backup JoJo Nicolas will miss the OU game with injuries. This is one of the factual things one might need to know when prognosticating about the game. This is one of the factual things one might not need to know, but will appreciate hearing about in a world where good news is scarce:

• Coach Randy Shannon said quarterback Spencer Whipple — who transferred this week from Massachusetts and is the son of UM offensive coordinator Mark Whipple — has done a good job of running the scout team.

A well-leveraged life change, that. Hey, son. I’ve got this new gig in Miami. Care to abandon your sunless, freezing life among the Tawmmys of the world to run the scout team in Coral Gables, where your most serious injury might be a blown vas deferens due to overuse? Why, sure, dad. I think I’d like to improve my life about three thousand times in the span of a few pieces of paperwork and a single plane flight. Excellent work, Spencer Whipple. Your chance of being randomly killed in a spectacular and gory fashion just went through the roof, but opportunity costs are opportunity costs.

Wassup, ’scro. Don’t be a pussy and pass me a beer.

I didn’t get to watch the Miami-Virginia Tech game until after I already knew the outcome — I had been at another game at the same time, and was as surprised as anyone that Virginia Tech could score thirty-one, and even more than Miami managed a meager seven. But I can honestly say that I had more fun watching this game on replay, already knowing the outcome, than anything I’ve watched this year.

That might come as a surprise considering I just did an extensive breakdown of Miami’s (previously) vaunted pass offense, have family members who are diehard Canes fans, and still think Jacory Harris is one of the most entertaining players in the country. But you have to love what Bud Foster and Frank Beamer were able to do with Virginia Tech. The hype was all focused on Miami; the defense had looked atrocious such that Foster was putting news clippings and reprimands on players’ lockers; and Virginia Tech’s speed was basically exposed against Alabama, where the Tide managed to both run through and by the Hokies.

So what did they do? Play soft coverage and hope Harris made some mistakes? Revamp the offense to catch Miami’s speedy defense off guard? No. Foster and Beamer basically said fuck it, we’re going after Miami. That early fumble by Jacory Harris that set up the Hokies’ first touchdown? Well they did what I said they wouldn’t be able to: Foster dialed up a hide-the-children, all-out, man-to-man blitz with no free safety with the cornerback, Dorian Porch, coming off the short side of the field. (Miami was in a three receiver set with a tight-end backside. Foster put two guys to this backside: one played the tight-end in man coverage and the other, Porch, just blitzed, and of course Harris never saw him.)

And the blitzkrieg was on. Virginia Tech ran the ball well enough to convert good field position into points (and managed to dig themselves out of some bad field position after a muffed punt). A big pass from Tyrod Taylor and a blocked punt and the Hokies suddenly had a 21-0 lead, one that proved insurmountable.

VT’s players raved about Bud Foster’s defensive plan. What was it? Early in the game, as I said, Foster brought serious heat. All-out man-blitz type heat. I didn’t think VT could play man on Miami’s speedy receivers, but they barely had to because the well-timed blitzes were in Harris’s face before he could throw it. But Foster didn’t just bring these all-out blitzes.

Indeed, later in the game the strategy was actually much the opposite, as he went to a heavy dose of cover two: funnel the outside receivers inside to the safeties and force Harris to fit a tight through between defenders. This was something Harris was never really able to do. Now, a big reason for that was when Tech only rushed four Jason Worilds simply lifted up the man blocking him and threw him to the side and sacked Harris, as he did on a key third down early in the game.

Foster’s other tactic was to use the zone blitz, specifically some fire zones with five rushers and six pass defenders. He tended to do this on third and long, which put pressure on Harris and forced him to make a short throw where the Hokie pass defenders were in position to make a tackle. Again, throughout the game Harris never seemed to be in rhythm. In the first few games Miami OC Mark Whipple had done a nice job providing him with lots of pass protection and letting him take his time finding a receiver on a deep crossing route, corner route, or dig. Foster’s defense — and Bob Stoops’s Oklahoma defense — forces you to throw it quickly, and on rhythm. One-two-three-throw. Harris doesn’t seem to quite have this timing down, which is probably a function of how young he really is and how he will have to get better at all his reads and learn to make them quicker, during his drop, rather than relying on sitting in a perfectly constructed pocket and just waiting for a guy to break open.

After Virginia Tech established its big lead, Foster generally went with more coverage versus blitzes, though he went back to the man-to-man blitzes late. On the interception at the beginning of the fourth quarter, he called Virginia Tech’s old school “cover two robber,” which is literally a cover two — there are two deep zone defenders — but instead of using the safeties the cornerbacks drop, while the free safety plays a “robber” position. On the play Whipple had called the same double-move play that had worked against FSU: the receiver sprints upfield, begins like an out, and then angles inside the cornerback to the post. It works great against true single-safety defenses like Cover three, because the corner will play with outside leverage. Yet this time the corner, Rashad Carmichael, had sunk inside to play the deep half and Jacory Harris basically threw it right to him. I can only guess that Jacory thought he’d be playing with outside leverage.

Yet to some extent this beside the point. The plan for VT was very good. But in watching this game you couldn’t help but get the impression that one team was excited to play on that sloppy field, in driving rain, in that muck. They were excited to fly around and smash somebody, slide around a bit, and get up and do it again. And the other team? Well, for much of the game they looked like they didn’t want to get dirty. And if you play that way, in that weather, against a Frank Beamer team, it’ll be a long day. And it was.

Stefano sings along with the PA music.

We at the Ro-tel, Motel, Holiday Bin!
We at a no tell, coat tail, all the way fin!

I fuckin’ love that song. Brah, you tried to deny the U! You tried! Even when we was at wars in Boise! I couldn’t go because I got stuck in Club Excess for two weeks straight. I almost died, but I got bottle service and lived off the snack mix until I could pull myself out. IT WAS AWESOME.

At random man not wearing Miami gear.

Hey! You! You look like you like sucking dick!

At random woman.

Hey Mami, come here!

Stefano stuffs a pound of hot carne asada into a woman’s cleavage. He eats it motorboat-style. The crowd salutes him by firing their pistols in the air.

You tried, but tha U was waitin’ like Najeh in a closet to shit in your shit, you know?

Know what happened tonight, world? We wiping asses with your fine linens, that’s what we about. WE BACK BABEEEEEEEEEE.

At other random man.

You look like you like it in the ass. Don’t lie. You do.

At crying girl.

Hey, you! You cryin’?

Girl: Yeheheheheheheheheheheheuuusss.

AIN’T NO CRYIN’ BOUT THIS U, BITCH! You see Sean Spence cryin’? HELL NAW. He’s MAKING PEOPLE CRY.

Stefano slaps crying girl. Brahs exchange “U” sign.

We lose Patrick Dicks and get with the Whip-style, and BLAOW. Jacory Harris rippin’ shit. His head ain’t skinny, it’s aerodynamic. Makes his brain go fuckin’ faster through time and makes him eat pussy at supersonic speeds. VRROOOOOOOM! Like a Hoover vaccum with a Heisman.

Hey, watch this!

Stefano screams YOUUUUUUUUUUU for three minutes straight, flashes “U” sign.

You know what we did to you tonight Georgia Tech? Da U is me, Papi, and Tech is your dick-snackin’ ass, and is Mami. I pull up and ask Mami if she need a ride. She’s like, “Where you going?” And I’m like “My house.” Three hours later I’m kicking her out all ragged and shit. That’s you, Georgia Tech, with a sore ass and waiting for Metrobus while I take off in the ride. MAMI YOU GOT MUDDED BY THE WHOLE DAMN CREW.

Eats an entire mojo chicken, drinks five Bud Ices.

YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

He now may add another job title to that illustrious list:

Staff members are in some key roles too: Assistant Principal Blake Bennett stars as Mrs. Darbus, the drama teacher; Lamar Thomas, the school’s basketball coach and former University of Miami and pro football player, is playing the part of Coach Jack Bolton

Lamar Thomas will be playing a part in Boynton Beach High School’s production of High School Musical. We’re inviting all of you to join us at the production to challenge Lamar Thomas to a fight mid-show during his stunning musical number “We Ready,” where we will throw a helmet at him, grab our nuts, and then demand he demonstrate his manhood. If he stays in character, we’ll give each of you a dollar, which you’ll never get because you know you don’t come into Boyton Beach and talk that stuff without getting your butt whooped.

–Swing at an opponent in brawl: check.
–Wear during sex: check.
–Have girl wear during sex: check.
–Fill with tasty cheese dip and eat from at party: check.
–Wear during game the following week and curse lingering scent of melted cheddar: double check.
–Put on backwards and drive down I-95 for one mile without looking on dare: check.
–Embed in chest of Texas A&M wide receiver: COSTCO VALUEPACK-SIZED CHECK.

(HT: Lt Winslow and The Great Barstoolio.)

“If you are out of trouble, watch for danger.”

One: What color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

The color of the U’s 2008 campaign is definitely green. Not green, as in we get paid _____ by our local benefactors. and not green as in we like to smoke the _______, but green as in… Randy Shannon is putting the best players on the field regardless of age or gameday experience. Case in point:  Miami’s starting quarterback in 2008 will be either the redshirt freshman Robert Marve (who, it should be noted, broke every one of Orson’s boyfriend’s high school football records in the state of Florida) or… true freshman Jacory Harris, who, in addition to leading Miami Northwestern Senior High School to like 15 straight 6A state championships and a #1 national ranking in 2007, hasn’t lost a football game since the Clinton administration. Anyone who actually watched Miami play last year is well aware that the vast majority of Miami’s upper-classmen are just not that good at football. Randy has made no secret about the fact that, come August, the best players on the team are starting. Miami’s top talent is disproportionately found in its freshman and sophmore classes; hence, the 2008 Miami Hurricanes are green. Very, very fucking green.

Or black, if you want to be racialist about it.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

The historical nation and period that most resembles the U in 2008 would have to be the crepe-eating frogs across the pond, circa the 1790’s, shortly after King Louis XVI lost his noggin. You see, back then, the frogs were not the galactic pussies that we have come to know them as today. In fact, the frogs were irrational lunatics with an affinity for violence.  Back then, the frogs had been a global superpower for like several hundred years consecutively, only to fall from grace most unceremoniously in a rather short period of time. This downward spiral took place under the leadership of a really swell guy who everyone really liked, but sadly, he just kinda lacked the ability to break out the iron fist every once in a while and step on a few throats when the circumstances demanded it. Thus, the froggies’ leader, swell guy as he was, lost control of the froggie populace and next thing you knew… heads they were a-rolling. The frogs kinda went overboard in their bloodlust and lopped off a few more heads than they probably should have, but hey, everyone makes mistakes. After many a dome was lopped off, the frogs soon found themselves in this wierd place where they felt the need to go over the top in proving to one another, and to the world, that they were true frogs – frogs worthy of the legacy left by generations of great frogs that had come before them. soon these frogs found themselves under new leadership, only this time, their leader wasn’t some pussified frog-tamer brought in from outside; no, this new frog leader was a true frog raised in the very same swamp as many of his frog soldiers. After some initial hesitation, the frogs quickly embraced their new frog leader, they bought in to his system, and fought like crazed beasts for him. Under the tutelage of their swamp-bred frog leader, the frogs soon found themselves on the path back to being the fearsome, raping-and-pillaging frog empire that they had once been. And they all ate crepes and drank Evian and lived happily ever after. The end.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Graig Cooper (sophmore).

Graig Cooper (sophmore)

G-R-A-I-G…C-O-O-P-E-R

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Most of the country hates the U, so I’m sure you’ll all want to watch us get beat by Florida on September  6th.

Most of the country (”and Canada!” -Barstoolio) also hates Bobby Bowden, so I’m sure you’ll all want to watch Miami beat the ever living fuck out of Florida State on October 4th. 

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

I’d kinda prefer it if you all just didn’t watch the UF game on September 6.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Game day experience?

A senior class?

A wide receiver that can catch?

Ken Dorsey?

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

Jimmy Buffet sings this right?

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.
Everyone is saying that Marve is the favorite to get the starting gig. Blah blah, he’s been in Pat Nix’s system for a year, blah, blah, laser rocket arm. However…I attended Miami’s spring game and can tell you for a fact that Jacory Harris is the Black Ken Dorsey. He’s tall, he’s gangly, he can’t really put that much mustard on the ball, but fuck if he doesnt look smooth as silk in the pocket, and he puts the ball exactly where its supposed to be when its supposed to be there. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that by mid-October, the true freshman Jacory Harris will be under center for the U.

If you’re looking for, like, an actual wager wager, put a few bucks on Miami to take care of business at home against Virginia Tech  on November 13th. And none of this pussy shit where you’re getting 10 points and just need Miami to cover. Take the money line like a fucking man.

Enjoy the season.

Thank you, sir and madam. If you are interested in learning more about the University of Miami and its football, you are incorrect. All knowledge possibly known about Miami football is contained here in this space. If you absolutely must, just watch Cocaine Cowboys, and wherever it says “Griselda Blanco,” insert the name “Jimmy Johnson.”

Perhaps we should scale back our plans for a fifth home with custom space elevator. Rich Rodriguez–or someone on his behalf–will pay West Virginia University the entire sum of $4 million dollars in damages related to his departure for Michigan this past January. The deal allegedly specifies how much Rodriguez will pay, and how much “someone else” will pay–presumably a man or woman named “Michigan Someone.”

No, you’re buying lunch this week.

Rodriguez, aside from now helming the Tiffany Program of college football, has to think of this as a loss, but perhaps should have seen this coming when one element of his legal defense was “I was, as a grown-up, enlawyered man, tricked into signing a large contract.” Some degree of pardon should be reserved for Rodriguez, though: the minute anyone gets involved in a legal tussle over lots of money, everyone in the room stands on their hands, puts glasses on their taints, and begins speaking directly through their assholes for the duration of the discussion. It’s called a legal shitfight for a reason.

The U will have their U. An agreement has been reached between Dolphin Stadium officials and the University of Miami to put the logo “U” on the field for ‘Canes games in their new home in Miami. No word whether stadium officials will back up toilets and have sketchy locals outside parking cars on top of each other in forty square foot lots to make ‘Canes fans feel comfortable during games.

Clemson and Alabama’s tattoo wars set up for an epic battle in Atlanta. Hopefully we can get photos, but we know some LSU fan will top both by having a full bodysuit of purple and yellow stripes done to top the competition. Tip: save money on the yellow ink by developing a nice case of jaundice. Given the way we’ve seen LSU fans guzzle booze at games, this shouldn’t be too difficult.

Hey, look! An inspirational story defying stereotypes! deflated. Who likes that? Journalistic fail: you’re supposed to confirm what everyone thinks about the world, regardless of the evidence! Run along and do that, young typesmith!

If you didn’t listen last night, stop by iTunes and search podcasts for “EDSBS Live” to listen to Phil Steele download one micron of his brain capacity on us last night. More than ever, we’re convinced he just sees green showers of ones and zeros when he watches football.

We’ll just let one of ESPN’s ace commenters take it from here to explain their avant-garde choice:

There’s really a few images. Above all what the image is the the U … That logo says all you need to know.

Strange, but they like to keep you on your toes at the WWL. Look, they split up John Anderson and Scott Van Pelt! ARE THEY MADMEN OR GENIUSES?

We continue our feeble attempts to give programs the faces they deserve, even if the WWL is busy astonishing us all by making their quirky, unpredictable choices. You go crazypants madballs all you like: we’ll just stick with the predictable, traditional ones, man. It’s what we here in Blogfrica do.

Florida International. Ma, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a fight so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there. I’ll be in the way guys yell when they’re mad – I’ll be in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry an’ they know supper’s ready. An’ when the people are eatin’ the stuff they raise, and livin’ in the houses they build – I’ll be there, too.”–Ned, October 14, 2006.

And they never caught him, did they?

USC Fight on, Inappropriately Cheering USC Trojan cheerleader. Even if you can’t decide what or when to cheer, exactly.

Yay, looting!

Florida. Hey, ESPN’s got its curveballs, we’ve got ours. Old and busted, jean shorts; new hotness, Don’t Tase Me, Bro.

All illustrations courtesy of LSUFreek, a national treasure and certified genius.

(Artist’s rendering of Orson Swindle, Esq. not to scale)

Even ESPN thinks “Football Championship Subdivision” is a stupid name. The WWL reports that Bill Curry, he of Georgia Tech, Alabama, Kentucky, and ESPN itself, will helm the incubating Georgia State football program and provides this giggly nugget: “The Atlanta school will begin play in 2010 in the division formerly known as I-AA and will play its home games in the Georgia Dome.” The next natural step is clearly the creation of an unpronounceable symbol to denote I-AA. Suggestions welcome, particularly those involving flightless birds.

Mis’sippy State’s off probation. Money quote: “Sherrill’s lawyer, Wayne Ferrell, didn’t return a message Wednesday. Neither did Sherrill.”

They’ll breed. You’ll die. Last year saw the emergence of the Northwestern band of brothers; this year’s new Miami hotness is a bumper crop of baby receivers out of St. Thomas Aquinas. The city continues to breed its football talent in convenient multi-pack form. Are they growing them in test tubes like Colquitts? Who knows, but [heavy-handed segue into joke about gerbils, which also multiply very quickly, in order to have an excuse to post this video containing that one gay bar song that appears by law at least four times a week on this site]:

(Not to pile on, but it’s the South Bend affiliate.) Anyone seen that episode of Sports Night where Danny gets emergency writer’s block and comes up with the sentence, “The Flyers played the Red Wings in a hockey game last night and they won 4-3″? OK, now read this. That is the gawkiest series of sentences I’ve ever seen on a professional media website, and not even because it’s about Eli Manning. Pepper The Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin bows his sleek head in weariness.

Rest easy, Dawg. Four-year Georgia QB and CFB Hall of Famer John Rauch died yesterday at the age of 80. Our condolences and best wishes to his family. ]]> http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/06/12/curious-index-6122008/feed/ 33 http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/04/24/we-are-under-way-baby-programming-notessnacky-tidbits/ http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/04/24/we-are-under-way-baby-programming-notessnacky-tidbits/#comments Thu, 24 Apr 2008 19:52:25 +0000 Holly http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/04/24/we-are-under-way-baby-programming-notessnacky-tidbits/ ONE. Herr Swindle is headed to Draft Day, baby. He’ll be the one they’re not taking alive. Suggestions for fauxhawk disguises/Jets fan repellent methods in the comments, if you please.

TWO. This snapshot of the 2001 ‘Canes O-line from, of all places, the Grey Lady. Few things amuse me quite as much as reading anthropological dissections of college sport:

Most of their teammates refuse to be seen in public with them. They refer to themselves as ”animals.” Their coach, Larry Coker, calls them ‘’scary.” They’re ”weird, off the wall, the most politically incorrect people I’ve ever met,” says Ken Dorsey, the team’s laid-back quarterback, with a sly grin. ”I try not to let my girlfriend near them…”

They helped turn Dorsey, a smart, self-possessed quarterback with limited physical skills, into a Heisman Trophy candidate. (The award was won by Eric Crouch of Nebraska.)

Romberg, of Norwegian ancestry, speaks Norwegian, Lithuanian, Serbo-Croatian, some Spanish and English. Haji-Rasouli speaks Persian, Spanish, some German and English. Bibla speaks Polish, Russian and English. Gonzalez speaks Spanish and English. They have taught one another vulgar expressions in each of their many languages.

Read on, campers read on; there’s so much more.

THREE. This headline.

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