#22 Michigan at Michigan State

Holly: Rich Rodriguez IS White Goodman IN Dodgeball. Say, did you know Sparty’s chestplate contains actual kevlar? Nice moves, although it won’t save them. RichRod is a smug, entitled bastard, but shoo-law does he have a lot of projectiles in his smug, entitled arsenal. Sometimes the lovable losers win, and sometimes they get their front teeth broken at the gym. (And sometimes the losers ain’t all that lovable. Dantonio, you never call.)

Orson: Michigan State IS Khan IN Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan. Khan had to have a “XX Years XXX Days XX Hours” clock in his bunker on Ceti Alpha V. You know this to be true, just as you know we could have just as easily cast Dantonio as the flower pot falling from the sky in Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, the reincarnated object killed again and again by Arthur Dent’s unending carelessness. Khan, though, has the right ring in terms of attitude. Michigan State is all effort and survival, but ultimately the lack of experience in three-dimensional combat that Rich Rodriguez’s offense has will doom the Spartans (though like the Enterprise in the film, Michigan will suffer significant damage due to lack of shields.)

Clemson @ Maryland

Orson: Maryland IS Mickey Rourke IN The Wrestler. The last chance we’re giving Maryland to prove it is not just a old broken down piece of meat whose best days are behind them. Unfortunately, the comeback has to happen against Clemson, who isn’t exactly Jon Cena in his prime, but who is certainly at least a Dolph Ziggler unwilling to take the dive for an aging former star working on replacement parts. Maryland is giving up 38 points a game, and the chances they have someone who can keep up with Jacoby Ford and CJ Spller are exactly hell now in neverleven.

Holly: Ralph Friedgen IS Jason IN Jason X: The One Where He’s In Space And Shit. Mother of god, Maryland just will not die. (more…)

Miami’s effort to hijack the Sooner Schooner and turn it into a rolling bonfire will have to happen without starting safety Randy Phillips, who along with backup JoJo Nicolas will miss the OU game with injuries. This is one of the factual things one might need to know when prognosticating about the game. This is one of the factual things one might not need to know, but will appreciate hearing about in a world where good news is scarce:

• Coach Randy Shannon said quarterback Spencer Whipple — who transferred this week from Massachusetts and is the son of UM offensive coordinator Mark Whipple — has done a good job of running the scout team.

A well-leveraged life change, that. Hey, son. I’ve got this new gig in Miami. Care to abandon your sunless, freezing life among the Tawmmys of the world to run the scout team in Coral Gables, where your most serious injury might be a blown vas deferens due to overuse? Why, sure, dad. I think I’d like to improve my life about three thousand times in the span of a few pieces of paperwork and a single plane flight. Excellent work, Spencer Whipple. Your chance of being randomly killed in a spectacular and gory fashion just went through the roof, but opportunity costs are opportunity costs.

Oh, you’ve done it now: Sam Bradford will not start against Miami, yielding the way for Landry Jones to step forward, unleash mustache hell on the Hurricanes, and then triumphantly ride his President Camacho motortrike to South Beach for a case of Busch Light and a six pack of ladies to finish the night off right.

Wassup, ’scro. Don’t be a pussy and pass me a beer.

Every week Chris Brown from Smart Football takes your questions here about football and football-related game theory. This week, he explains precisely how Virginia Tech turned Miami 2009 into Miami 2008 for four quarters last weekend. Submit your questions for Chris at twitter.com/edsbs, your source for football chicanery and zombie law links since 2008. Enjoy.

I didn’t get to watch the Miami-Virginia Tech game until after I already knew the outcome — I had been at another game at the same time, and was as surprised as anyone that Virginia Tech could score thirty-one, and even more than Miami managed a meager seven. But I can honestly say that I had more fun watching this game on replay, already knowing the outcome, than anything I’ve watched this year.

That might come as a surprise considering I just did an extensive breakdown of Miami’s (previously) vaunted pass offense, have family members who are diehard Canes fans, and still think Jacory Harris is one of the most entertaining players in the country. But you have to love what Bud Foster and Frank Beamer were able to do with Virginia Tech. (more…)

Music blasts at ProPlayer Stadium. The score 33-17 glows on the board. Bats circle the floodlights.

Stefano sings along with the PA music.

We at the Ro-tel, Motel, Holiday Bin!
We at a no tell, coat tail, all the way fin!

I fuckin’ love that song. Brah, you tried to deny the U! You tried! (more…)

The Miami Hurricanes’ former wide receiver, Lamar Thomas, has been many things, including convicted tackler of pregnant women, fired announcer, strippee, successful college wide receiver, and long-term resident on the NFL’s injured reserve list in his pro career. He also has his own adjective.

He now may add another job title to that illustrious list:

Staff members are in some key roles too: Assistant Principal Blake Bennett stars as Mrs. Darbus, the drama teacher; Lamar Thomas, the school’s basketball coach and former University of Miami and pro football player, is playing the part of Coach Jack Bolton

Lamar Thomas will be playing a part in Boynton Beach High School’s production of High School Musical. We’re inviting all of you to join us at the production to challenge Lamar Thomas to a fight mid-show during his stunning musical number “We Ready,” where we will throw a helmet at him, grab our nuts, and then demand he demonstrate his manhood. If he stays in character, we’ll give each of you a dollar, which you’ll never get because you know you don’t come into Boyton Beach and talk that stuff without getting your butt whooped.

Anthony Reddick’s list of things to do with a helmet:

–Swing at an opponent in brawl: check.
–Wear during sex: check.
–Have girl wear during sex: check.
–Fill with tasty cheese dip and eat from at party: check.
–Wear during game the following week and curse lingering scent of melted cheddar: double check.
–Put on backwards and drive down I-95 for one mile without looking on dare: check.
–Embed in chest of Texas A&M wide receiver: COSTCO VALUEPACK-SIZED CHECK.

(HT: Lt Winslow and The Great Barstoolio.)

“If you are out of trouble, watch for danger.”

Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Lieutenant Winslow, who brings us the only review of DA U you need to read ever for any reason. Get out the tubes and drop your pants: your mind-colonic starts now. Featuring assists by the Great Barstoolio.

One: What color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

The color of the U’s 2008 campaign is definitely green. Not green, as in we get paid _____ by our local benefactors. and not green as in we like to smoke the _______, but green as in… Randy Shannon is putting the best players on the field regardless of age or gameday experience. Case in point:  Miami’s starting quarterback in 2008 will be either the redshirt freshman Robert Marve (who, it should be noted, broke every one of Orson’s boyfriend’s high school football records in the state of Florida) or… true freshman Jacory Harris, who, in addition to leading Miami Northwestern Senior High School to like 15 straight 6A state championships and a #1 national ranking in 2007, hasn’t lost a football game since the Clinton administration. Anyone who actually watched Miami play last year is well aware that the vast majority of Miami’s upper-classmen are just not that good at football. Randy has made no secret about the fact that, come August, the best players on the team are starting. Miami’s top talent is disproportionately found in its freshman and sophmore classes; hence, the 2008 Miami Hurricanes are green. Very, very fucking green.

Or black, if you want to be racialist about it.

(more…)