American Samoa rules. 15 percent of American Samoan football players go on to play college football, an astonishing rate for any place, much less one plonked out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The players share mouthpieces, so short are they on equipment, meaning the arrival of a Pop Warner league sponsored by USA Football (the governing authority in amateur football in the mainland) could increase the number of players with the Polamalu fringe sticking out of the helmet playing in college ball. By percentage, American Samoa could be the most football-crazed spot on the planet.

We’ll all be doing the Haka soon enough, and couldn’t be happier about it. For an intimate look at what practice on that one good field looks like, here’s some youth football scrimmage footage taken in American Samoa that looks pretty representative: tin roofs in the back ground, looming, lush volcanic hills, a soggy field, and lots of really thick kids playing their asses off in the slog.

Subway Domer have TAH-NOO-TAH press conference. TAH-NOO-TAH SAY HE NO PREFER NOTHING AT NOTRE DAME–HIM AT NOTRE DAME! THIS ALL THAT MATTER! RAAAAHAHHHHHHHHH!!! HIM WORK WITH KOR-WINN BROWN TO MAKE BEST PACKAGE, NOT FIGHT OVER WHO GETS STEAKBONE OF CHIEF DEFENSE MAN!

Jeremy Elder, the Alabama football player who used a gun to get $26 off a pair of Alabama undergrads in an alleged robbery this week, will seek youthful offender status. This could reduce his sentence, and would also officially distinguish him from those old and busted non-youthful offenders in the jail.

Elder really could have made more money selling the gun, but he wouldn’t have had a chance to recoup the investment multiple times over. You know the saying: sell a gun, and you eat once; teach a man to mug, and he’ll eat decently for a week before he’s shot or arrested.

They’re not supposed to talk back! Phil Fulmer responds to columnist John Adams’ column earlier this week calling for Fulmer’s firing for failing to address the disciplinary issues swarming around the Vol football program. Phil, you obviously don’t understand this: columnists write stuff, and you sit there and take it. Respond to bloggers–we’re just guys living in our mom’s basements, and we need the publicity because Mom’s trying to get us to pay rent, man!

“Our internal discipline is based on one factor alone: the course that is most likely to help that individual young man make amends and get his life straight,” Fulmer wrote in the column that will appear in Friday’s edition.

“I’ve undoubtedly made some mistakes, but I try to do what I think is in the best interest for each young man.”

We should mention that Tennessee is only second in the Fulmer Cup standings at this point. Cough. Joel has the whole letter over at RTT.

Finally, this guy rules. If you’re going to give the finger to fans, don’t soft-pedal it: put it to the floor and don’t let up ’til the engine locks up or you run out of gas.

Sailing makes me feel so free, man. Filed from a catamaran off the coast of Walton County, FL.

Hey, kitten. Yes, you. You in the corner, there. You look so…stressed. And stress will just kill ya, baby. Chill out with some smooth grooves here, ’cause even though we just went through some rough waters, there’s smooth sailing ahead, baby. Have a pina colada on me. Talk to my friend Chuck for four minutes of feelin’ good.

Yeah. That’s better now, isn’t it? The wicker chair and mirrored coffee table? Oh, yeah, they’re new.

Sometimes you lose, baby. Now that we’ve got the catamaran into some smooth waters baby, let’s just talk. Sometimes, you lose. Sometimes everyone loses, baby. It’s part of the whole cosmic game. Oklahoma lost to Dan Hawkins and Colorado Buffaloes, who live that clean mountain lifestyle, baby: all granola, no free radicals, power crystals and free-range chicken and hot tubs and shit. Oklahoma was gassed in the fourth quarter from the altitude and coughed up a shot at the title, baby. It happens.

It’s Chinatown, Dennis. Let it go.

And when you lose, someone’s really happy. Like USF? They’re really, really happy right now, because they kicked the shit out of West Virginia. (SNNIIIIIIIFFF!) Whoa. And Maryland? They’re just freaking ecstatic that they just kneecapped Rutgers’ entire season, especially because they’re not that good. And Cal? Well, they nearly lost to Oregon, but fortunately the Ducks autodeleted their chances of a win at the last second with a fumble into the endzone. Remember the end of Chinatown? When the worst thing in the world happens? Well, that ain’t it. Fumbling into the endzone on possible tying TD is.

Sometimes you lose to a 300 pound quarterback. And losing happens in thousand wild ways, darlin’. Pass me the fondue fork, will ya? And a napkin, because there’s no way I’m getting cheese on this new Izod. Anyway, look out there. There’s fish in that sea. Big ones. And none of them weigh more than Josh Freeman, but he beat Texas anyway, baby, mostly because the Longhorns just gave them every enchilada he wanted, especially to receiver Jordy Nelson, who got 116 yards on 12 receptions and a TD from the big man.

And you see, there’s a duality there that hangs it all together, right? Enchiladas of sadness for Texas, right? But for Freeman? Those were enchiladas of happy, baby, filled with the guacamole of sweet victory. Pass me that mirror….

Sometimes, even ninjas lose. (SNNNNIIIIFFFF!!!!) Ah, woo! That’s great shit. Anyway, sometimes even ninjas lose. Like Florida. They’re ninjas. They’ve got all these plays, and formations, and stuff. And they’re fighting this big, strong retard. Big motherfucker who’s gonna do one thing: hit you in the face.

So Florida’s like, BAM! throwing star, bitch! And it hits the retard in the arm, and he keeps coming.

So Florida’s like, WHAM! Nunchuks, fucker! And it bounces off the retard’s head, and he keeps on rushing in toward ‘em.

So Florida’s like, WHAM! Death touch, yeah! And the retard picks him up and throws him into a tree shredder.

So yeah, ninjas. They get thrown in tree shredders, too. Pass me that mirror one more time.

At least singlet guy won. And when singlet guy wins, we all win.

Photo courtesy of House Rock Built, whose proprietor is the one hoisting Singlet Guy skyward.

Hey…did we just drop anchor? Where the hell are we? Those aren’t…sharks…are they? Call the Coast Guard, dammit. But pass me that mirror one more time, first, sweetie. And that flare gun. Yes, I’m firing wherever I damn please today.

Kellen Lewis: ‘Bout to redact some shit, lawya.

Aberrant Stats Department: The leading rushing attack in the Big Ten belongs to the Indiana Hoosiers, rushing for 258.7 yards a game. Even morely aberrantish: we write the .7 at the end of that for a reason, since at 258.0 yards a game sits the Illinois Illini. Both teams feature running quarterbacks, which helps–Indiana’s Kellen Lewis leads his team in rushing and passing–and have played a combined table of Western Akron Tech types. Only Illinois has played a team of any substance whatsoever, Missouri, who they very nearly unmasked as being coached by Gary Pinkel during a furious comeback in a 40-34 loss to the Tigers. A zillion points, unscripted quarterback improv, and Drew Carey scoring the whole thing according to audience reaction should ensue when the two play on Saturday in their Big Ten opener.

(BTW: Missouri is still totally being coached by Gary Pinkel, the highstrung crew member who after an hour of tense but otherwise dedicated behavior will open the airlock and suck his whole team into space. Twist: he’s an unstable cyborg! It’s just a matter of time, reader. Grab something stationary in the meantime.)

When the lumbago clears up, you’ll play. 59 year old Mike Flynt is looking to get his first playing time of the season for Sul Ross College this week after missing the first two games due to erections lasting longer than three hours. We can sympathize, having missed numerous days of work for the same reason. Damn you, Bound on DVD!!!

We suhrrendaihair! A fishy quote from Tennessee special teams player during the Tenn/Florida game, per UF special teamer Derek Baldry. Naturally, we quote it as fact:

“On the point-after attempt, after the 48th point, one of the guys rushing, I guess, decided he didn’t want to go too hard. Instead of shooting through the gap, which is where he would have come through me, he kind of ran into me and kind of pulled up and said ‘whoa, whoa, whoa’ as if I were going to deliver a hit to him. Verbatim he said, ‘I don’t want to rush this s— anymore, I’m too f—-g tired.’ That’s what he said.

Truth? Who knows. Truthy? Certainly.

Notre Dame: big into long contracts. Demetrius Jones will not be immediately released from his scholarship, per AD Kevin White. Jones left the team for the siren song of the Northern Illinois Huskies, a team known mostly for plucky MAC play and recruiting midget running backs of astonishing speed. (Look at them! With their little arms and feet!) Jones literally didn’t get on the bus for the Michigan game, enrolled and Northern Illinois, and from the sound of it left his apartment with the 360 humming and the kettle on. (No idea if Jones actually drinks tea or not, but it’s funnier if he does. “Fuck this, motherfucker–I just want some fucking Chamomile and my K.T. Tunstall on, and I’ll get my spirit right again.”)

Leave Coach Fran alone! We won’t post it. It’s too meta, too internet, too “yes, I waste my time watching Youtube celeb videos.” Nope. Not doing it. Resisting. In control. What’s that they say on Big Love? Choosing the right? Yeah–we’re a busy bee at the hive, choosing the right. That’s–

Blogfather, forgive us. (HT: 12th Manchild.)

LSU says: This is the end of your life.

LSU is a werewolf with a chainsaw for a dick. That’s the prevailing image from this weekend: LSU wolfing out on Virginia Tech in a manner so ugly and decisive only the most surreal of horror movie imagery can cover it. Everyone knew qb Sean Glennon fell under the “liability” category; against LSU, however, Glennon became a null set with a line of 2/10, O TDs, 1 INT, and an early yank for a true freshman on the road against LSU. At that point, you do not hold a clipboard, but rather a bucket of ice containing your freshly-detached balls.

Defensively, they’re infected with THE RAGE. Offensively, they’ve become polymaths, using the new Gary Crowton “rag and bone shop” attack–combining everything from pistol-formation option, five wide sets, power runs, the wishbone, the wing-T, the flying wedge, The Von Schlieffen Plan, the opening sets of Rite of Spring and formations only found in Coach Red Beaulieu’s magical University of Louisiana Cougars playbook–to rack up horrendous numbers on the vaunted Hokie defense: 297 yards rushing, 301 yards passing.

Their competition’s been weak thus far, but in proof, they’re the nightmares you don’t want right now. Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep…

No honesty, please–we’re Southern. Proof positive that Southerners are roaring heroes when drunk and mincing nancies in the public sphere is any and all outrage re: Steve Spurrier’s postgame comments on South Carolina’s 16-12 upset of Georgia on Saturday.

“It wasn’t like they were some big, powerful team,” Spurrier said on his television show Sunday. “They’ve actually lost five in a row to Eastern Division opponents. Kentucky and Vandy beat ‘em last year.”

And this is controversial because it’s…true? Honest? Accurate? Georgia’s front four defensively skated backwards in the fourth quarter against an O-line that had serious difficulty blocking just a week earlier against University of Louisiana-Lafayette. If this angers you, you should likely consider writing angry letters to the Weather Channel for their consistently accurate forecasting and irresistable smooth jazz tunes. (HEY! No one sets out to be a smooth jazz musician.)

Dissent is patriotic. Seguing nicely into further truth-telling, MZone agrees that saying Michigan’s defense sucks is not just right, it’s a patriotic duty, dammit.

Pac 10 Football, CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP. Kind words about Pac-10 football kind words about Pac-10 football!!! Please note that an SEC-centered blog writes the following: Oregon sacked the once-proud city of Ann Arbor, UCLA closed out a game against a very tough BYU team by grinding out a win on the ground, Washington snapped the longest win streak in the nation by beating Boise State, Cal won a deceptively tough game against Colorado State on the road, and Arizona State punished us for paying Colorado a compliment by blasting DIVISION ONE FOOTBAAAAALL Buffaloes 33-14. Only Oregon State’s 34-3 catastrophe against Cincinnati mars a stunning weekend for the conference.

The dude in the singlet is our new leader. All hail the singlet. We’ll pay good money for a shot of the USF fan who wore a singlet to Auburn and was caught on camera scratching his balls on national television. Seriously. Like, at least a dollar.