Come Alabama or Florida victory, one thing is certain: you all lose. The loser of the game must record in a fashion of their choosing a version of the Creed song of their choice and post it on their website. Sadly, as it is not an offical Creed song, “Gibba Gab” is not eligible, or we’d be warming up our best “DURKA-DOOOOOOO” in the event of a loss.

You’re welcome, and when Todd is on Youtube blaring out “Higher” at a karaoke bar in Birmingham doing his best strip-mall Jesus poses, you may blame not us, but Alabama football for the scars your mind will bear afterward. Conversely, should Florida lose, we’re going to Mary’s and apologizing in advance to the collected crowd of bears and twinks for the horrendous version of the execrable “Arms Wide Open” we’ll shit out of our mouths on video for you.

The SEC Championship: where we all lose no matter who wins. We take your suggestions for presentation, song choice, and costumes below.

Getting in shape? That’s what the first two rounds are for, suckers.

The morning roll call of extremely important events we missed while gone:

Auburn recruits allegedly changed the grades of two players had grades changed at the last minute to make them eligible, according to the Mobile Press-Register. We normally don’t even post allegations of malfeasance sent to us by either Alabama/Auburn fans re: Auburn/Alabama football players, but this one comes from an actual newspaper, not Roscoe’s House O’ Cheatin’ Bastards.blogspot.com.

The NCAA is investigating…which is a bit like saying your best man is helping the bride clean her teeth. With his penis. In the bathroom five minutes prior to the wedding.

Bernie Machen says cash rulz everything around him–Dollah dollah bill, y’all. At one point we remember a story to the contrary saying that Bernie Machen, playoff advocate and current UF president, wasn’t even going to get to propose an SEC push for a post-season tourney. That’s evidently changed, as Machen plans to explain his Method Man theory of bowl economics to SEC presidents:

He has also said that, despite the millions already in play under the current BCS system, a playoff system would likely generate in excess of $100 million more, a figure that might sway the thinking of some presidents and leagues.

Cash rulz everything around him! We expect 100 million dollars could be persuasive. If not, a warning: Bernie’s powerful Wu-Tang slang is mad fuckin’ dangerous.

Machen Man and the other MCs of the SEC will be meeting at the pedestrian Sandestin Hilton Resort, a disappointing choice in our opinion. A frozen ice fortress or volcano lair wasn’t available?

You know what the problem with college football is? Overtime, according to the editor of the Clanton Advertiser. You can almost hear the sports editor of the Clanton paper banging his head againt the desk: “This week, Norman, I shall be writing about sport!”

Pirates in Tucson! A Mike Leach crewmate has been given control over the University of Arizona’s offense, a move clearly pulled from the “Why the hell not?” file, as Arizona has averaged 100th in national offensive rankings during Mike Stoops’ tenure as head coach there.

The Rivals bit also mentions Tuitama’s frequent head injuries as being a reason for the switch, cueing up yet another bit of informative type information from the piece: in the past seven years at Texas Tech, no quarterback has missed a start due to injury. The piece hints at Tuitama receiving four “head-dizzying hits” last season, which must be code for “nasty-ass concussion.”

It certainly sounds more glamorous than “swollen, bruised brain,” doesn’t it? We’ll refer to our hangovers from this point on as “drink-slammed liver swoons” just to keep up.

Not an ACL tear, but a “heroically interrupted bond between knee and ligament.”

Arizona also gets pub as an “up and coming” program in a Rivals piece about the next Boise State/Louisvilles of the world, which seems odd given the Arizona Wildcats were once good and still sit in the middle of a major conference that ends up on television frequently. They don’t exactly wear the mantle of dark horse, outsider rogue talent well.

USF, the EDSBS pet pick out of Tampa, gets a mention as a possible rising talent. We’re hoping for it with every atom of our being, mostly because the trailer-park alumni the Bulls could pull out of the Tampa metropolitan area would make Alabama’s look like a crowd of Bertie Woosters in comparison. CAN YOU SAY ICEHOUSE AND CRYSTAL METH YOUNG MAN? We knew you could.

Stapp has a new song he’s singing this morning, however, following an arrest for domestic violence: “With Palms Wide Open.” (Irishoutsider from FireMarkMay gets credit there.)

Creed rulz!

Scott Stapp, American hero, is thinking deeply about slapping you right now.