Holly’s in transit today, so picks will just have to be up to yours truly. As we have no problem talking to the air itself, let’s get this monologue underway without delay.

Florida at South Carolina. The grumpiest 9-0 fanbase in the nation heads to Columbia to face the man who initially allowed them to look at 9-0 in the SEC and be grumpy, Spurrier the White, the

THUNDERCLAPS SPLIT THE AIR LIKE THE HAND OF GOD ITSELF–

–AND ISN’T THAT APPROPRIATE PHRASING, ORSON. IT IS I, CRAZY OLD TESTAMENT GOD.

Orson: [checks schedule] Schedule change?

COTG: YES OF COURSE I WANTED TO TAKE TOMORROW OFF TO WATCH THE NOTRE DAME PITT GAME.

Orson: Um, got any tips on how that might turn out?

COTG: YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, EVERYONE LOSES IN THAT GAME.

Orson: Right. Wait, were that means you were working yesterday, right?

COTG: HAHAHAHA YES. YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE THING IN KNOXVILLE. I THOUGHT THE PRIUS WAS A NICE TOUCH.

Orson: It was. Can we do this quickly?

COTG: OF COURSE. I WANT TO GET THIS DONE QUICKLY, TOO. I’M TALKING TO YOU FROM THE STEAM ROOM AND WANT TO GET DONE BEFORE CTHULHU OF VHOORI COMES IN AND STINKS THE PLACE UP.

Orson: I’d imagine he smells horrible.

COTG: THAT ISN’T THE WORST PART. HE DOESN’T WEAR A TOWEL IN HERE. YOU TRY APPLYING ENOUGH MINDBLEACH TO GET THE SIGHT OF A PENIS COVERED IN SPIKES AND EYEBALLS OUT OF YOUR HEAD. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU’D START CIRCUMSCISING THAT THING.

Orson: I see.

COTG: SOME GUYS IN THE GYM DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU DIDN’T SIGN UP TO ATTEND A TAPING OF THE ‘DONG SHOW’ YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Orson: …

COTG: LAUGH. THAT JOKE KILLED IN SODOM. NICE PLACE. NEEDED REMODELING.

Orson: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Quite funny!

COTG: SMITEY IS MY NAME AND MIGHTY IS MY POWER. NOW, YOU MUST FIRST PICK SOUTH CAROLINA TO BEAT FLORIDA THIS WEEKEND. SPURRIER IS A LOYAL FOLLOWER.

Orson: I can’t do that. You know I can’t do that.

COTG: YOU REMIND ME OF ABRAHAM. I ASKED HIM TO DO A FAVOR FOR ME ONCE.

Orson: Yeah, but that didn’t happen, right?

COTG: NO BUT I ASKED THE SAME THING OF HIS NEIGHBOR, TOO. NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT THAT.

Orson: Who was that?

COTG: MEL FROM WEST GILEAD.

Orson: Did he sacrifice his child for you?

COTG: CHILDREN, AS IN MORE THAN ONE. THERE WERE LIKE ELEVEN OF THEM. I MEAN, I LIKE MY CIGARS, BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN—WELL, SACRIFICE IS THE WRONG WORD…

Orson: Yes?

COTG: MORE LIKE “WINGED THEM FROM HIS ROOFTOPS LIKE COW PATTIES.”

Orson: …

COTG: ….

Orson: I don’t know what to say.

COTG: WELL, THAT’S WHY NO ONE’S EVER HEARD OF MEL FROM GILEAD, NOW ISN’T IT? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE WAS GOING TO DO THAT?

Orson: It’s not like you’re God or anything.

COTG: YOU APPEAR TO BE DEFICIENT IN VITAMIN A. THE A STANDS FOR ANNIHILATION.

Orson: Who else am I supposed to pick here?

COTG: TAKE TENNESSEE OVER OLE MISS. THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN, BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE THE NEW MADRID FAULT IS LOOKING OVERDUE FOR A GOOD SOLID SHAKING.

Orson: And?

COTG: TESTINESS! ARIZONA OVER CAL BECAUSE I AM BUILDING MIKE STOOPS’ HOPES ONLY TO CRUSH THEM MOMENTARILY, UTAH OVER TCU BECAUSE I SAID SO, AND OHIO STATE OVER IOWA BUT NOT BY MUCH BECAUSE I HAVE CURSED THE BIG TEN FOR THREE SCORE YEARS WITH AN OPTION FOR TEN MORE IF I CALL MY LAWYERS AND TELL THEM TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Orson: What did they do?

COTG: GARY BARNETT KNOWS WHAT HE DID.

Orson: Figures it would be him.

COTG: YES. I HEAR SCALES AND SMELL FISHY BRIMSTONE. THAT MEANS EYEBALL-DICK IS DRAGGIN HIMSELF IN HERE. MY SCHVITZ IS RUINED YET AGAIN BY THE OLD ONES.

Orson: I’m still not going to bet on South Carolina, even with our offense being as mediocre as it’s been.

COTG: VERY WELL. SAY HELLO TO MEL FROM GILEAD FOR ME.

[SMITES Orson. Again.]

Orson: Miami IS Ray Liotta IN Anything. Let’s face it: Ray Liotta was never meant to make a film without at least one scene of him burying his fist in the face of a sniveling punk of some sort. There was that unfortunate time when he attempted to branch out, sure. (Refer to this in the Liotta canon as the “Corrina, Corrina” phase, though he did stage a spirited fistfight with Whoppi Goldberg for a fight scene that met the cuttring room floor.) Similarly, Miami was never meant to experiment with being an emotional, 8-5 ACC team–

THUNDERCLAPS.

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO ORSON I HAVE A CHALLENGE FOR YOU THAT YOU WILL BY DESIGN FAIL.

Orson: Please, everyone. Welcome Crazy Old Testament God to the–

COTG: YOUR PLEASANTRIES ARE USELESS NOW. THE SCHEDULE HAS CHANGED AND I MUST WORK THIS SATURDAY.

Orson: I thought you were usually off Saturdays, no?

COTG: NEW TESTAMENT GOD HAS AN APPOINTMENT WITH AN ESTATE PLANNER THAT DAY. EVEN GOD NEEDS A WILL AND IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME ASK ZEUS. I GOT THE TITANS AND A SWAN THAT RAPES THINGS IN THE DEAL. IF YOU HEAR FLAPPING WATCH YOUR ASS, BY THE WAY. HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN A WHILE.

Orson: Right. So, a test you say?

COTG: YOU MUST GO TO YOUR ONLINE GAMBLING ACCOUNT WHICH THUS FAR HAS BEEN PROFITABLE THUS FAR THIS SEASON AND MAKE BETS AS A TESTAMENT OF YOUR FAITH IN ME. REFUSE AND BE SMITTEN.

Orson: Smoted? Smited? Smoten? What is the–

COTG: HOW ABOUT THIS? “OMG LOL URGE TO SMITE RISING.” GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU BLOGGER-CHEEKS?

Orson: What does it look like when you smite someone?

COTG: ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE NATION OF AFGHANISTAN?

Orson: As a general condition, sure.

COTG: THAT IS A PLEASANT SUBURB OF SMITESYLVANIA.

Orson: Ah. So, what do you command Karl Marx with a crown–er, Crazy Old Testament God?

COTG: FIRST YOU MUST PLACE MONEY ON MISSISSIPPI STATE TO UPSET LSU.

Orson: Um, sure. Why, exactly?

COTG: BECAUSE THEY PASSED A TEST OF FAITH I ASKED OF THEM YEARS AGO BY ASKING THEM TO HIRE JACKIE SHERRILL.

Orson: That worked out horrendously for them, though.

COTG: HAHAHAHAHAHA YES SO WILL THIS AND MANY OTHER THINGS I ASK OF YOU. OBEY OR BE SMOTEN.

Orson: [sotto voce] Smited.

COTG: I HEARD THAT. NEXT, TAKE MARYLAND TO BEAT RUTGERS OUTRIGHT.

Orson: Maryland lost to Middle Tennessee State last week for the second year running, sir.

COTG: BUT I SHALL REWARD THEM BY DOING WHAT I ALWAYS DO FOR THEM: BY GRANTING THEM A BIZARRE WIN AFTER A BIZARRE LOSS. YOU KNOW THIS IS TRUTH AND YE SHALL NOT DENY IT.

Orson: Well, that’s…that’s actually totally true, yes.

COTG: NOW PLACE SUBSTANTIAL MONEY ON VIRGINIA TECH TO BEAT MIAMI IN BLACKSBURG.

Orson: You’re just asking me to lose money now.

COTG: YOU KNOW WHO MY FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER IS?

Orson: Smite-y Mouse?

COTG: NO, UM…YES. WHERE DID YOU LEARN MY MATERIAL?

Orson: 2002-2004. The [NAME REDACTED] years, of course.

COTG: YES, JEREMY FOLEY. SO OBEDIENT TO HIS GOD. HE PASSED THAT TEST WELL. I HAVE ONE MORE FOR YOU, MORTAL SQUIDBAIT.

Orson: Please.

COTG: YOU SHALL TAKE OREGON OVER CAL.

Orson: I can’t. I know this whole thing is supposed to go badly for me, and the you get to laugh at my mortal woe, or maybe turn me into a pillar of salt or something, but I can’t bet against Cal here. This is their year.

COTG: I WILL REFRAIN FROM REDUCING YOU TO DUST FOR AN INSTANT AND ASK YOU A QUESTION: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME A CAL TEAM UNDER JEFF TEDFORD CAME THROUGH WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO?

Orson: You have a point.

COTG: I AM EVERYWHERE AT ONCE. ASK HOUSTON NUTT ABOUT THAT. IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO RETURN JEVAN SNEAD’S TALENT TO HIM. I HAVE HAD IT FOR OVER 24 HOURS NOW.

Orson: Ha! Too bad for him.

COTG: THAT’S MY LINE.

Orson: [/SMOTTENATED]

Play me off for 6-8 weeks, Keyboard Cat.

No permanent or lasting damage, as the piece of angry, disunited bones in my back aren’t load bearing. They do hurt like I swallowed a plugged-in soldering gun, which is why I’m waking up in a few hours to dust off some more delicious, nutritious Percocet.

Thanks to all the well-wishers on Twitter and Facebook. (Our phone doesn’t work, as the iPhone battery died last night, too.) It’s pill and sleep time, and we’ll see what “we” feel like tomorrow.

DION LECORN twists his heels into the turf and waits for the kickoff. The South Carolina Gamecocks are down 14-0 early to the Florida Gators. A clean WHUMP of foot meeting ball echoes through the air. LECORN tracks it through the air.

LECORN: Okay…break it to the outside if you can…against the grain…film showed against the grain…HYPE, man, HYPE!

[A sudden thunderclap sounds. Lightning shoots in a webbing of heavenly fire above him.]

LECORN: What the—

[CRAZY OLD TESTAMENT GOD appears in sky.]

COTG: DION LECORN HEAR MY VOICE AND KNOW THAT I AM THE LORD.

LECORN: HOLY SHIT!!!

COTG: DAMN RIGHT. MIND THE NAME, THOUGH. I GET SMITE-Y WHEN PEOPLE THROW IT AROUND.

Lecorn: Got it. Hey, why’s everyone stopped?

COTG: UNTIL YOUR TIME OF TRIAL IS OVER TIME SHALL BE FROZEN AND MOVED AS I LIKE.

Lecorn: What about Coach? He’s still moving over there and talking into his headset.

COTG: WE’VE MET. HE KNOWS THE DRILL AND HAS SEEN THIS BEFORE. STEVE, HELLO. REMEMBER THE FIESTA BOWL?

[STEVE SPURRIER points, nods, and grins bitterly.]

Spurrier: Yep, yep. You got me there, yup, you did.

COTG: WE’VE HAD SUCH TIMES TOGETHER! ANYWAY, I HAVE A TEST OF FAITH FOR YOU, DION LECORN. YOU WILL LATERAL THIS BALL TO THE OTHER RETURNER. I COMMAND YOU. IF YOU BELIEVE, YOU WILL THROW THE BALL. HAVE FAITH.

Lecorn: Will he know if it’s coming?

COTG: DO I LOOK LIKE I ANSWER QUESTIONS?

Lecorn: No. Hit the play button, lawya.

[This happens.]

Lecorn: What was that supposed to prove?

COTG: THAT I AM AWESOME AND YOUR FAITH IS STRONG. ALSO, IT WAS VERY, VERY FUNNY. WE’RE ALL DYING UP HERE. THANK YOU. THAT WAS AS FUNNY AS THAT HUGH GRANT FARK THAT WENT AROUND LAST WEEK. GOOD BYE FAITHFUL SERVANT. STAY STREET.