Rank	Team
1	Alabama
2	Florida
3	Texas
4	Houston
5	Boise State
6	Ohio State
7	Virginia Tech
8	Oregon
9	Cincinnati
10	Iowa
11	Oklahoma
12	Southern Cal
13	Miami (Florida)
14	Oklahoma State
15	Penn State
16	California
17	TCU
18	LSU
19	UCLA
20	Auburn
21	Kansas
22	Georgia
23	South Carolina
24	Mississippi
25	Minnesota

This was so much easier before people actually knew shit. Before you say a word: this is wacky, week-to-week voting with a hint of correction for perceived talent level, potential, and past performance. You know who’s not going to stick around most likely? Houston, Boise, and Oregon, because Houston and Boise will be dragged down by the mediocre competition they play, and because Oregon will follow up a carpet-bombing of Cal by having their star corner get de-kneed and blowing an easy Pac-10 game. Re: Oregon? You play one highly ranked team and lose on the road and then dishumilatinate the highest ranked team in your conference, you get perks. Re: Houston? Big 12 South wins should count just as much in September as they do in November, when the Big 12 gets their annual run in the polls off conference play. It’s a trick of the calendar at this point not to credit them.

The rest: Is a bloody mess. Where the hell do you put Iowa, other than above Penn State and below Ohio State, who would probably beat them in a 6-2 horror show leaving non-Big Ten fans holding their own eyeballs in hand at the end in order to ensure they could never watch such football horror ever again. USC is off the boards in terms of solid betting thanks to offensive woes, Miami and OK State are erratic, Penn State looked atrocious, there’s a knot of SEC teams at the bottom you can untangle if you’ve got three months of conference play, and GODDAMN THIS MADNESS.

Pretty sure Minnesota’s a rock-solid 25, though.

HOUSTON NUTT enters surrounded by a choir of African-American ladies.

Count Giggity: GIGGITAH, REBELS!!!

Rebels team: GIGGITAH!!!!

Count Giggity: MY CHILDREN WHAT A BLOTARKUS BANGFANGLED GAME WE HAVE IN FRONT OF US!!! GIGGITAH!!!

Rebels tea: GIGGITAH!!!

Jevan Snead leans over to Dexter McCluster.

Snead: Any idea what that means yet?

McCluster: No. I don’t understand a word this magnificent, addled genius ever says.

Snead: Let’s play along just to humor him. One never knows how it goes with these charismatic maniacal types. A simple…how does he say it? Giggitah? Right, let’s give it a shot. [turns to Nutt] GIGGITAH!!!

Nutt: THAT”S RIGHT JEVAN!!! GIGGITY!!!!

Dexter: Quite nice, Mr. Snead. The madman seems to have enjoyed your exclamation!

Snead: Why, yes, he’s excitable, to say the least. Let’s watch and see what he does.

Flash to the South Carolina locker room. Coaches are huddled around Spurrier’s closed office door.

Spurrier: No.

Coaches: Please come out, coach. We can’t go out there without you. You’re still the head coach.

Spurrier: Not of this bunch of losers, I’m not. I’m calling ESPN right now. Tuberville’s on there now, and he’s like some cut-rate spray-tanner version of me. Get my agent. I’ve had it with this shit.

Coaches: [quietly]

You’re the best,
Steve’s the best,
Off the tee, or on the field,
Steve’s the best there’s ever been.

Spurrier: [pauses.] Louder, please.

Coaches: [in unison]

Callin’ plays, or chippin’ in,
Steve’s the best that’s ever been,
Table tennis, golf or sex,
Spurrier is full of win.

Spurrier: Louder, please.

Meanwhile, in the Ole Miss locker room.

Jevan Snead: Is he just staring at us?

Dexter McCluster: Yup. Has been for four minutes. I’m timing it. Every now and then he just says “Mesmerise” really loudly, but mispronounces it.

Houston Nutt: SMESMERIZE!!!!

Dexter McCluster: Like that. I mean, this fellow doesn’t think we will fall prey to such vaudevillian bunk, will he? Mesemerism was clearly proven to be a fraud by–

Dexter: Jevan, I say, you haven’t–

Jevan Snead: [SMEZMERIZED; stares ahead blankly and confidently.]

Dexter: Oh, dear.

Back in the South Carolina locker room…

Spurrier: One more verse, and I’m comin’ out. But you gotta sing it like you mean it. I’m not comin’ out otherwise.

Coaches: [singing]

Shirtless and tan, hunky and tough
Flawless from the tee or the rough,
We won’t talk about his time in DC,
Spurrier rules from sea to shining sea.

Spurrier: Show ‘em the picture. Don’t I look good on that bike? TELL ME I LOOK GOOD ON THE BIKE, DAMMIT.

Stephen Garcia: You look tight on the bike, brah.

Coaches in unison: “Yes.” “Striking.” “The very picture of health.” “Quite the sportsman!”

Spurrier: I don’t believe you! I’m staying in here. Y’all go embarrass yourselves. I’m staying in here with Tiger Woods golf. He never lies to me…unlike some people I know.

Ole Miss masses in front of the tunnel. Houston Nutt is now doing the Tootsie Roll for no reason.

Nutt: TO THE LEFT! TO THE RIGHT! GIGGITY! TO THE FRONT! TO THE BUTT! LESSGO REBELS!!!!

Dexter McCluster: I remain confused by what this man does as a coach.

Jevan Snead: Me, too. It works, though.

Dexter: True. Let’s participate blindly and enthusiastically. This gentleman baffles, but he wins, unlike our former management.

Jevan: Quite. As the madman says: GIGGITY.

Dexter: And a GIGGITAH to you, sir.

Jevan: GIGGITY!!!

Dexter: My, this is getting fun. After you, sir.

Jevan: Yes, after you, my little Wildcat.

They begin to dance onto the field as the number four team in the nation.

I’ve got my towel, I’ve cut all the checks . . . let’s light this candle.

As Mumme prepares for his first season at McMurry, Lexington Herald-Leader columnist John Clay took it upon himself to track down Mumme’s UK staff and find out where they’d ended up. What he found was less than inspiring: Of Mumme and his 11 original assistants from 1997, only five are employed at D-IA programs in any capacity; four are college head coaches; two are coaching at the high-school level; and two are out of coaching entirely (though one of them has the convenient excuse of being dead since 2006).

The most successful of these gentlemen, obviously, is Mike Leach, currently leading his rowdy band of pirates at Texas Tech to regular bowl appearances; oddly enough, the guys with the next most prestigious jobs on the list were mere graduate assistants under Mumme. Chris Hatcher is the head coach at Georgia Southern (and being mentioned with increasing frequency as a candidate for D-IA jobs), while Sonny Dykes is breathing life into a formerly moribund passing attack as Arizona’s offensive coordinator.

There is, of course, one guy who still rates a grade of “incomplete”: Tony Franklin, running backs coach under Mumme and currently offensive coordinator at MTSU. At the moment, Franklin is known primarily for being the catalyst that started the Tommy Tuberville administration down the road to doom in its last year at Auburn, a dubious distinction indeed; but if he can work the same wonders at MTSU that he did at Troy, who knows, he might have a D-IA coaching gig in him yet, thereby eclipsing both his old bosses something fierce. The spread offense indeed works in mysterious ways.

Palin/Holtz ‘12: In your heart, you know it’d be hilarious.

What kind of a representative/VP would Sweet Lou be? Well, we already know he’d be a big fat no on the Kyoto Protocols. If his continuing close relationship with Notre Dame is any indication, we can also assume he’d swing solidly to the right on all the hot-button social issues — abortion, euthanasia, the right of Michigan and Ohio State fans to intermarry, that sort of thing. As far as clues from his actual coaching career, we can assume he’d be dedicated to building a strong national defense, but that he’d also follow a fairly strict non-interventionist policy (unless you can find any evidence that his South Carolina teams mounted any offense whatsoever). As far as we’re concerned, the wild card here is health care: If he’s going to run as a Republican, the obvious assumption is that he’s against Obama’s health-care proposal, but you have take into account his unclear stance on drug benefits and his casual distribution of advice (as a “Doctor” on ESPN) that was, at best, quasi-solicited — there’s a possibility he’d be down for a lot more government involvement there than the GOP would like. (All together now: MAVERICK!)

As for potential appointments or staff members, it’s probably early to be speculating on those as well, but one name seems like a pretty safe bet: Beano Cook as assistant for national security affairs, the Scooter Libby to Lou’s Dick Cheney? Yeah, you laugh now. Just see if he doesn’t.

F$#@ Sooners, get money. Packing two of the last three national-title trophies and gunning for another one in ‘09, Urban Meyer is getting a raise that will jack his salary up to an even $4 million a year, meaning that not only Urban but entire future generations of Meyers will be makin’ it rain for the indeterminate future. Before you ask, yes, Les Miles has a clause in his contract that entitles him to make at least $1,000 more than any other conference coach, but apparently it only kicks in if Miles wins the national title this year — thereby saving LSU from having to give The Hat a quarter-million-dollar raise for going 3-5 in the SEC last season. (See, if they just gave Les the highest salary in the conference, they’d only be spoiling him; this way, he learns the value of money.)

You know how to start a car, don’t you? You just put your lips together and blow. West Virginia wide receiver Jock Sanders, last seen propping up an unusually weak Fulmer Cup effort by the Mountaineers with a DUI charge, may be able to bring an end to his indefinite suspension from the team if he “handles a series of requirements.” This includes completing an alcohol-awareness course, speaking with high-school groups about the dangers of DUI, and our favorite, having a “test lock” device installed in his car that will basically require him to breathalyze himself and prove he’s sober before he can start his vehicle. This is probably gonna sound weird, but I’ve always wanted to try one of those things — though my gadgetary curiosity here is of the singular ride a Segway/use an ejection seat/get Tasered variety that involves trying it once just to see what it’s like and then never, ever having to do it again.

Cue the “It’s not your fault” scene from “Good Will Hunting.” Louisville running back Bilal Powell is trying to put his fumble in last year’s game against Kentucky behind him and look ahead to 2009. Is it just us, or does it seem like he’s taking it a bit too hard? His fumble accounted for only a fifth of UL’s turnovers in that game. Trust me, Bilal, there’s more than enough blame to go around for the FAILsplosion that was Louisville’s 2008 campaign, and they’ll be coming after Steve Kragthorpe with torches and pitchforks long before they get around to you.

I don’t know the guy, but I’ve got two kidneys and he needs one, so I figured . . . Elsewhere in the Big East, Syracuse head coach Doug Marrone, charged with cleaning up the HAZMAT spill that is the Orange’s football program post-Greg Robinson, says he’s “been hearing good things” about the progress made by former Duke basketball player and not-ever college football player Greg Paulus, who allegedly is still in the running for SU’s starting-QB job, in summer conditioning. Be that as it may, signing Paulus period still strikes us as the kind of decision that will be very much in the running for inclusion in a Bad Idea Jeans commercial by the end of the season.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed GERG is king. Speaking of Robinson, the situation at Michigan is apparently so dire that the addition of Gerg as defensive coordinator is being seen as one of the team’s biggest bright spots heading into 2009. (Yes, we know Robinson was an exemplary D-coordinator with both the Longhorns and the Denver Broncos. But a 3-25 Big East record is the kind of failstank that wouldn’t be quickly forgotten even if he’d only been hired as the night manager at a 7-Eleven.)

What, by playing them within 30 points? Late entry in the race for saddest quote of the offseason: Washington State coach Paul Wulff’s insistence that his Cougars “have the opportunity to surprise some teams” this year. I’d like to believe that, Paul, I really would, but I’d also like to believe that Lacey Stockbauer is going to end up with two tickets to this year’s Texas-Oklahoma game and offer me her extra one. In other words: na ga happen.

Sir Stanley: Gentlemen! I seek philosophical entertainment!

Elrick, Duke of Necessity: Certainly. Today’s fox: What is sexy? Discuss!

Sir Stanley: Why sir, I had no idea you would play right into my hands! In my studies of the colonies and their primitive yet exotic derivative of our own culture, I have come across one thing they do excel at: the iconography of the sexy. I attribute to their mongrel blood, as they are too close to the base passions that rule us all, and therefore incapable of escaping it in the fine Alpine tower of reason as we do.

Elrick: Quite. But you have diverged from our path of inquiry, have you not?

Sir Stanley: So easily lost in the thorns, Elrick, and yet a nose away from the rose! Not at all, Elrick. For instance, I will show you using an experiment of PURE SCIENCE what sexy is. A sample from the colonies I believe you’ll find especially compelling. I will apply the following picture, a sample of pure sex, to the following array of items arranged on that table over there. Are you prepared, Elrick?

Elrick, Duke of Necessity: As ever, friend. Experiment away.

Sir Stanley: And…begin:

Sir Stanley unveils the picture.

Sir Stanley: And we observe its effects!

Elrick, Duke of Necessity: Why, the panties seem to have a particularly strong reaction there.

Panties: Wheeeeeee we’re flying!!!!

Sir Stanley: Yes, let’s turn it now–careful, don’t get in its path, the rays could be quite powerful–and point it at that row of champagne bottles over there.

Elrick Duke of Necessity: Wait, now, that’s our morning’s ration there–

Silence.

Sir Stanley: Um, why, I….

Elrick Duke of Necessity: We’re not speaking for a week. Also, I’m off to drink all the cooking sherry out of the cabinet and rumpus around with your maid as revenge. Your lack of objections to my plan will be your apology.

Sir Stanley. Why, um, yes. Yes.

(HT: FOTP.)

PASTOR HOUSTON NUTT approaches the podium.

Nutt: MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS!!! CAN AH GET A GIGGITY!!!

Assembly: Giggity!

Nutt: Ah said…..(smiles, pauses, looks up at the rafters…) CAN YA GIVE THE LORD A GIGGI-TAH!!!

Assembly: GIGGITY!!!

Nutt: Now let’s sing it out…HOW MANY TIMES DID THE LORD BLESS US?

Choir: THREE!!!!

Nutt: And a what—

Choir: SEVEN!!!

Nutt: THE LORD DONE BLESSED US WITH–

Choir:

THE LORD DONE BLESSED US THIRTY SEVEN TAAAAAAAIIIIIIIMES!!!!

The band strikes up into a thumping gospel beat.

Choir:

DONT NEED NO MATH
DONT NEED NO PROOF
37 TIMES WE GOT THE TRUTH

Nutt (solo):

Well, I went a walkin’ (He went a-walkin’)
Round this here state (This here staaaaaaate)
Got to find some players Find us some plaaahayyeeerrrs…
Make-a Ole Miss greaaaaaat Whoaaaahoaaawhoaaahhhahhhh

Ain’t much for countin! No no no nooooo!
Found out reaaall soooooon
Like his buddy Houston
Neither is Pete Boone Ain’t doin’ no maaaaaaath

WE GOT THIRTY-SEVEN!!! (Three! And! Sev’n!)
That’s seven and three…
My major wadn’t math (oh no no no)
Mine was victorreeeeee (Victory oh mercy me!)

When the Lord comes a callin’
He’s gonna say to meeeee
GIGGITY BOTARKUS
And a seven and a threeeeee….

Choir: WHOOOOOO!!!!

Breakdown. Just the drums and the choir.

NOW HOUSTON HOUSTON THAT’S YOUR NAME
ANNA SIGNIN THEM RECRUITS IS YOUR GAME
IF THE LORD WANTS YOU SIGNING MORE THAN 25
YOU CAN’T DISOBEY, WANNA STAY ALIVE

Nutt: I’d sign twenty, and a couple more
Found myself at a-thirty four
Liked a linebacker, and I signed him too
Signed a couple more and breezed on through

Kept on a-signin’ till the early morn
Would-a kept goin’ through the noon and night
Ain’t nothin’ saying I can’t sign more
Gimme a pen and a paper and you know I might—

ALL STOP.

Nutt: I MIIIIIIIGGGGHT!!!!

Choir:

YEAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

Nutt:

I…..I……I…

Audience: TESTIFY PASTOR HOUSTON!!!!

Nutt;

I…might just…I might just siiiiiiiiiiiiign….

CHOIR:

HOOOOOOWWWW MANYYYYYY!!!!!

Tambourines and organ.

Nutt:

WE GOT THIRTY-SEVEN!!! (Three! And! Sev’n!)
That’s seven and three…
Ain’t all of ‘em gonna (oh no no no)
Pass the S-A-Teeeeee (Their readin’ skills ain’t great, you see…)

When the Lord comes a callin’
He’s gonna say to meeeee
GIGGITY BOTARKUS
And a seven and a threeeeee….

Choir:

NOW KEEP ON SIGNIN’!

Nutt:

I’m a keep on signin’!

Choir:

NOW KEEP ON SIGNIN’!

Nutt:

I’m a keep on signin’!

Nutt:

Got that sign! Sign! Sign! Sign! Sign! Sign! Sign!

Choir:

HOTTY TODDY
GOSH ALMIGHTY
HOPE ALL OF THEM
CAN’T READ OR WRITE-Y

WOOAAAHAHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Dancing and frivolity. Pastor Houston Nutt signs the entire front row of the church to the Ole Miss football program as he dances around with one hand fervently pumping heavenward.

FIN.

The current turnover total for Florida on the year: zero, a number instructive for those of us kvetching and kvelling about the offense thus far, and its lack of Krakatoa-like eruptions a la 2008. The Gainesville Sun, a.k.a. Pravda: Swamp Cabbage Edition, addresses those concerns in typically sunny but timely fashion below. Warning: corrected to do away with the plague of one sentence paragraphs.

The Gators are the only team in the nation with zero turnovers.UF is one of only five teams in the nation that has not trailed at any point in the season. The Gators lead the SEC in total defense (213.0 yards a game), scoring offense (37.3 points a game), kickoff returns, punt returns and punting. The special teams have scored 14 points, only five shy of opposing offenses. Opposing offenses have not started a single drive on Florida’s side of the 50.

So, in short: they haven’t been good yet because they haven’t had to be good? A sobering thought if you, like us, are wondering if and when they’re pressed to actually score points, and if they will be able to do so. To be perfectly frank about the offense for Florida thus far, it still looks like a live dress rehearsal that someone accidentally sold tickets for: Miami was the audition for receivers (Louis Murphy, come on down,) while Tennessee was the audition for running backs (Emmanuel Moody, 55 yards on nine whole carries! Cue rain of frogs.)

Ole Miss and Arkansas probably won’t test this ongoing dry run on the field for the Florida offense; in fact, Ole Miss makes a particularly disastrous matchup with Florida, and not in a sense of pending Florida doom because Ole Miss is last in time of possession in the conference, and it’s not because they’re scoring scads of points in flashes. Then again, consider the next worst team in terms of time of possession: Florida. Stats are fun, and endlessly misleading!

P.S.: Houston Nutt in crazier than a sack of rabid weasels.

Fixed. Giggity.

I asked my father if the goat was “fixed,” and he said, “Son, ain’t nothing in this world that can fix a cantankerous goat or a laudanum-sippin’ woman. Except by violently throwing them off the roof.” That’s why I like to fix things.

[stares, attempts to spellbind audience.]

6.022 × 10 to the 23rd power. That’s Avocado’s Number.

[empty stares]

GIGGITY!

I also like teaching people to finish. When Casey–er, Jevan Snead throws away an orange juice bottle, he needs to finish throwing away that orange juice bottle. And when I say throw it away, I mean reach deep down in that trash can and make sure you get it all the way down in there with the trash. You can’t just float it on top. The wind could take it.

Then your trash has become garbage. And we don’t tolerate garbage here at Ole Miss. So get your hand in there with the diapers and the dirty needles. That’s how you win.

Needles. Diapers. Finish.

[Stares, attempts to spellbind audience]

HOOGITY BOOGITY NOSFERATU CANDANGIT FIGGITY BORACKUS MCCLAGGLEY OOGITY BOOGITY!!!

[silence. stares.]

You know what I like about Jerrell Powe?

[gestures with thumb on top of fist. squints.]

HE’S QUALIFIED GIGGITY GIGGITY GIGGITY!!!!

[thunderous applause.]

Houston Nutt story number one. Please read all of these in a voice triangulated somewhere between Bill Clinton and George Bush’s, and remember that for proper effect you should point and attempt to spellbind someone while doing it.

Tale One:

Houston Nutt is speaking to an assembled group of Ole Miss boosters. Someone mentions Enrique Davis, the late switcheroo commit from Auburn who opted for the Rebels late this year. Nutt answers thusly.

You know what I like about Enrickey?

(LONG DRAMATIC PAUSE. SPELLBINDING STARE. THUMB FIST POINT.)

He’s FAST.

Tale Two:

Nutt is at his first major meeting with Ole Miss types. He’s relating a story about his upbringing hanging out with deaf kids. (Nutt Sr. was a coach at the Arkansas School for the Deaf.) No one’s really sure where this whole thing is going.

When I was a kid, I’d go out and play with the other kids, who were deaf. There was an African American on that field, a Hispanic on the field, a Native American on the field…it didn’t matter what you were or who you were, just as long as you could sign and communicate.

(LONG DRAMATIC PAUSE. SPELLBINDING STARE. THUMB FIST POINT.)

…And I like to WIN! (APPLAUSE.)

The N in Nutt officially stands for “Non Sequitur.”

Listen to the interview here, where Nutt does not say GIGGITY! once or say anything vaguely crazy. He does call Michael Oher “a beautiful guy,” though.

Damn right, coach.

Perhaps we should scale back our plans for a fifth home with custom space elevator. Rich Rodriguez–or someone on his behalf–will pay West Virginia University the entire sum of $4 million dollars in damages related to his departure for Michigan this past January. The deal allegedly specifies how much Rodriguez will pay, and how much “someone else” will pay–presumably a man or woman named “Michigan Someone.”

No, you’re buying lunch this week.

Rodriguez, aside from now helming the Tiffany Program of college football, has to think of this as a loss, but perhaps should have seen this coming when one element of his legal defense was “I was, as a grown-up, enlawyered man, tricked into signing a large contract.” Some degree of pardon should be reserved for Rodriguez, though: the minute anyone gets involved in a legal tussle over lots of money, everyone in the room stands on their hands, puts glasses on their taints, and begins speaking directly through their assholes for the duration of the discussion. It’s called a legal shitfight for a reason.

The U will have their U. An agreement has been reached between Dolphin Stadium officials and the University of Miami to put the logo “U” on the field for ‘Canes games in their new home in Miami. No word whether stadium officials will back up toilets and have sketchy locals outside parking cars on top of each other in forty square foot lots to make ‘Canes fans feel comfortable during games.

Clemson and Alabama’s tattoo wars set up for an epic battle in Atlanta. Hopefully we can get photos, but we know some LSU fan will top both by having a full bodysuit of purple and yellow stripes done to top the competition. Tip: save money on the yellow ink by developing a nice case of jaundice. Given the way we’ve seen LSU fans guzzle booze at games, this shouldn’t be too difficult.

Hey, look! An inspirational story defying stereotypes! deflated. Who likes that? Journalistic fail: you’re supposed to confirm what everyone thinks about the world, regardless of the evidence! Run along and do that, young typesmith!

If you didn’t listen last night, stop by iTunes and search podcasts for “EDSBS Live” to listen to Phil Steele download one micron of his brain capacity on us last night. More than ever, we’re convinced he just sees green showers of ones and zeros when he watches football.

Therefore, we at EDSBS Labs seek to give you reality improved. One technique to improve the fluff piece: unfairly excerpt or elide quotes. Another? Unfair illustrations, as seen in this Houston Nutt profile from the Laurel Leader-Call.

“WAYNESBORO – If Thursday night’s tenth annual Wayne County Rebel Club gathering is any indication, new Ole Miss Rebel head football coach Houston Nutt has already won over the Rebel faithful. The last four seasons are nothing but a fading view in the rear-view mirror of their vehicles…”

“If you meet Nutt, you will be impressed even if you are not a Rebel fan. He is an excellent people person who is a great communicator. His passion for what he does comes out very quickly. He has that look in his eye that draws you in… ”

“The look speaks outwardly that he cares about what he is selling…”

“…In this case, Ole Miss football was the sales pitch to these eager takers.”

“…Some of the Rebel nation might have had mixed reactions on his hiring last November 27 since he was the enemy for ten years, but if they were present Thursday night, Nutt quickly dispelled those negative thoughts within minutes with his down home manner that fit in well in this football crazy town.”

“…For Nutt, changing the negative attitude of the players has been his number one priority in Oxford. The attitude problem in Oxford, according to the former Lou Holtz assistant coach, was really negative.”

“…Nutt and his staff have addressed the academic problems with late night visits to apartments and dorm rooms.”

“This is one of the best coaching staffs I have ever seen in terms of chemistry. ”

Unfairly Illustrated seeks to improve fluff pieces around the nation with cheap visual/verbal gags. If you have one of interest, remember to send it to harumphharumph –at– gmail.com.

Our guest columnist today is Presidential Candidate Ron “Dr. No-Huddle” Paul.

Thanks for having me here. I’m not sure who you are, what you want, or why I’m even here. In fact, I don’t know who I’m writing this to. Why do people send me letters? Why do people on the internet like me? I don’t know. Really, I don’t know. Someone picks me up from my house in the morning, takes me places, and I just start talking until someone claps. These are all things I don’t know. Where am I? Really, where am I?

What I do know about is freedom and 1970s standards of gynecology. That’s why I still believe in two things: the Dalkon Shield and the Constitution. Especially the Constitution. I may have had my hands in more vaginas than any other member of congress except for John Boehner, but at least I got paid for doing it, and not the other way around. Is that a joke? Why are you all laughing? I’m confused? Yes, I’m confused!

Hey, why’s my name on a blimp? A blimp? Really? I’m thrilled about the possibilities of dirigible travel. It’s one of my passions, but I’ll tell you this: you won’t see me telling you that the government should be involved in making blimps, unless they’re blimps equipped with machine guns to put up along the Mexican border, because it’s a well-known fact that Mexicans fear both guns and blimps. It’s natural law, just like the Constitution and the rules of Yahtzee.

Speaking of games that involve hitting your spouse: football. I’m here to talk about football? Really? Okay, I’ll talk about it. Ron Paul likes football, but doesn’t like a few things about football as it stands in America.

First, a Ron Paul administration believes you should go ahead and do what you like in football. Helmets are unnecessary encumbrances on your basic freedoms as a football player! In fact, by restricting what you can see on the field, it actually causes more accidents and injuries.

Second, I believe the football should conform to all of the clauses of the Constitution, including the second amendment. You can’t like one, and not like the other. Do I think this means you should be able to carry guns on the field? That’s not the government’s business unless you want to tell people they can’t carry guns onto the field. And from what I’ve seen, the introduction of firearms into the game could make for some real excitement on the field, people!

Now that’s freedom? Wait, that’s not what the card says. Now, THAT’S Freedom! Who’s typing these things again? What was I talking about…

Oh, third: rules. You’re free, and that’s a huge responsibility. So when it comes to first downs, we can’t as a nation rely on the oversight of replay officials, or the unsubtle fascism of chalk lines, or even the quiet tyranny of aluminum stands. There’s so much order in this game, it’s a wonder people don’t all wear the same colors to the games! Wait, they do? Well, you know the last time I saw uniforms this consistent and well-arranged? Soviet Russia, my friends, the largest totalitarian regime currently standing on the planet. That’s the road to serfdom, people, and you pay eighty bucks a jersey for it! If you’re that keen on matching, I’ll buy you an Aeroflot ticket to Leningrad myself so you can be somewhere you feel more comfortable, Ivan.

(Steve, stop looking at me like that! People on the internet LOVE me. And I would buy anyone who disagrees with me a ticket to Leningrad, I would. St. Petersburg? Florida? Why would I send anyone to hang with a bunch of retirees? Do I pay you? Where am I again?)

Oh, and you’ve played in your backyard using a spare pair of flipflops and a stolen traffic cone as first down markers, or even resorted to the “two-completions-makes-a-first-down” rule—why can’t football do this, too? The games are too long as is, so let’s just get rid of the meddling regulators in black and white and just let the players decide what makes a first down or not? And as for seating, let the people figure that out. Stampedes are the natural byproduct of competition, and those crushed by them? Their body parts can earn a fair price on the open market like every other good, like babies and Honda Accords do.

And who cares what goes in players’ bodies? It’s not for the Federal Government to decide that, or even care. Remember Tony Mandarich? What a specimen he was, and he was hopped up on every imaginable kind of supplement the government wants you to believe is harmful: horse testosterone, distilled monkey semen, nandraolone, HGH, stanazolol, Tylenol PM, Tylenol AM, Tylenolalone, pure hydrogen enemas, espresso eye drops, methamphetamine gummy bears, morphine… he had it all, and look at what it did for him.

See? He looks just like that now, but with a second head. He’s twice as free!

Why this is any concern of the federal government is beyond me, since both he and his second head are doing just fine last I checked. Heck, I could be on the last quaalude in the Western Hemisphere right now, and you wouldn’t know. I’m not! I’m not not on the last quaalude! Freedom!

Oh, and most importantly, it’s not the job of the federal government to tell you how to gamble on football. It’s just not. You should be able to set a fair price on points, point-shaving, intentional injuries and mid-game assassinations as your whim in accordance with the laws of the free-market. How else will we develop the bullet-proof players of the future without the invisible hand of the market whisking away the weak, non-bulletproof players of yesterday from the field? What you do with your money is none of the federal government’s business, even when it comes to paying a bookie thirty large to put mescaline in Tim Tebow’s cereal prior to a big rivalry game. Freedom!

And one final note: under a Ron Paul presidency–when it happens, not if!–you’ll get your gambling winnings back not in this imaginary scrap you call cash, but in the only thing of real value besides freedom: Spanish doubloons.

I’m Ron Paul, and I think I’m running for President. Thank you all, whoever you are, and wherever I am.

Ron Paul is running for President as a Republican in 2008. If you have never touched a girl, you have to vote for him. It’s in the Constitution.

DA REBBAH DONE–wait, wait. We can’t do the Orgeron voice when it comes to Ole Miss stories anymore, can we? He’s moved on to the Saints to coach their defensive line, meaning we fully expect to see Ed himself crashing double teams when he suits up in an attempt to psych his troops up next season. Watching a man blow both ACLs at once will never have been as festive, ami!

Instead, we’re left with the sadness of an Ole Miss team coached by the merely insane Houston Nutt. They make their debut in the Fulmer Cup with the arrest of safety Jamarca Sanford, who refused to leave the parking lot of Night Town, a billiards club, the kind we hate because it’s loaded with douchebags who, if you come within ten feet of them, give you the death glare and ask you “hey hey HEY! Little room at the table, here!” (See: Twain’s, Decatur, GA, for another of these.)

Apologies, Minnesota Shats–we’ll just be over here moving the cue ball with our minds, causing you to miss shots by fractions of an inch. Perhaps Jamarca hates these places, too, and just wanted to fight–or perhaps he was mesmerized by the menu offerings at Night Town. Erotic chicken might make us feisty enough to get arrested, too.

Fried Mushrooms – basket of ’shrooms served with ranch dressing. These ain’t the mushrooms that’ll get you to that Rocky Mountain high… But they’ll get you damn close. $4.50

They watch ‘em on 8mm? Now we totally want to hang with the owners of Night Town. It’s a rare breed of gentleman that breaks out the double-reel for his porno, sir.

Oh, and two points for Ole Miss in the Fulmer Cup.

Erotic chicken cant u see, thoughts of pretty u and me.