EDSBS » crazier than sack of weasels

April 22, 2008

UNFAIRLY ILLUSTRATED: HOUSTON NUTT FLUFFERY

How do you enjoy a fluff piece you know from the start will be a perfunctory knob-polishing of a new coach, coordinator, or university president? They’re atrocious to write and just as bad to read, something that is not so much the fault of the writer as it is of the editor who says, “Go get me a profile” to a person who needs access to the program, the coach, and the players. Meaning: the profiles are inevitably nice, hands-offish, and gloss over anything remotely interesting.

Therefore, we at EDSBS Labs seek to give you reality improved. One technique to improve the fluff piece: unfairly excerpt or elide quotes. Another? Unfair illustrations, as seen in this Houston Nutt profile from the Laurel Leader-Call.

“WAYNESBORO – If Thursday night’s tenth annual Wayne County Rebel Club gathering is any indication, new Ole Miss Rebel head football coach Houston Nutt has already won over the Rebel faithful. The last four seasons are nothing but a fading view in the rear-view mirror of their vehicles…”

“If you meet Nutt, you will be impressed even if you are not a Rebel fan. (more…)

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Houston Nutt, Southeastern Conference, crazier than sack of weasels by Orson Swindle

[ 15 Replies ]

February 26, 2008

GUEST COLUMNIST: RON PAUL

Ron Paul: ’bout that bling.

Our guest columnist today is Presidential Candidate Ron “Dr. No-Huddle” Paul.

Thanks for having me here. I’m not sure who you are, what you want, or why I’m even here. In fact, I don’t know who I’m writing this to. Why do people send me letters? Why do people on the internet like me? I don’t know. Really, I don’t know. Someone picks me up from my house in the morning, takes me places, and I just start talking until someone claps. These are all things I don’t know. Where am I? Really, where am I?

What I do know about is freedom and 1970s standards of gynecology. That’s why I still believe in two things: the Dalkon Shield and the Constitution. Especially the Constitution. I may have had my hands in more vaginas than any other member of congress except for John Boehner, but at least I got paid for doing it, and not the other way around. Is that a joke? Why are you all laughing? I’m confused? Yes, I’m confused!

Hey, why’s my name on a blimp? A blimp? Really? I’m thrilled about the possibilities of dirigible travel. It’s one of my passions, but I’ll tell you this: you won’t see me telling you that the government should be involved in making blimps, unless they’re blimps equipped with machine guns to put up along the Mexican border, because it’s a well-known fact that Mexicans fear both guns and blimps. It’s natural law, just like the Constitution and the rules of Yahtzee.

Speaking of games that involve hitting your spouse: football. I’m here to talk about football? Really? Okay, I’ll talk about it. Ron Paul likes football, but doesn’t like a few things about football as it stands in America. (more…)

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Not strictly college football, but funny, Rules? We don't like your...rules., bizarro superman says you're welcome, conspiracies, crazier than sack of weasels, nerrrrrrrrds, platinum--all platinum, sports supplements by Orson Swindle

[ 61 Replies ]

January 24, 2008

FULMER CUPDATE: EROTIC CHICKEN + BEER = ARREST

Resisting arrest with zest: Ole Miss.

DA REBBAH DONE–wait, wait. We can’t do the Orgeron voice when it comes to Ole Miss stories anymore, can we? He’s moved on to the Saints to coach their defensive line, meaning we fully expect to see Ed himself crashing double teams when he suits up in an attempt to psych his troops up next season. Watching a man blow both ACLs at once will never have been as festive, ami!

Instead, we’re left with the sadness of an Ole Miss team coached by the merely insane Houston Nutt. They make their debut in the Fulmer Cup with the arrest of safety Jamarca Sanford, who refused to leave the parking lot of Night Town, a billiards club, the kind we hate because it’s loaded with douchebags who, if you come within ten feet of them, give you the death glare and ask you “hey hey HEY! Little room at the table, here!” (See: Twain’s, Decatur, GA, for another of these.)

Apologies, Minnesota Shats–we’ll just be over here moving the cue ball with our minds, causing you to miss shots by fractions of an inch. Perhaps Jamarca hates these places, too, and just wanted to fight–or perhaps he was mesmerized by the menu offerings at Night Town. Erotic chicken might make us feisty enough to get arrested, too.

Fried Mushrooms - basket of ’shrooms served with ranch dressing. These ain’t the mushrooms that’ll get you to that Rocky Mountain high… But they’ll get you damn close. $4.50

Cheese Sticks - mozzarella cheese sticks served with marinara. Hung like your boyfriend but tastes twice as good. $5.00

Potato Skins - Potatoes, taken out back and stuffed to the brim by the capable hands of young Cuban ladies… topped with melted cheese and bacon bits, served with sour cream. $4.50

Chicken Tender Basket - hot, sexy chicken tenders and fresh-cut french fries served with your favorite spread of mouth-watering sauces. “NightTown… the most erotic chicken in Oxford.”

They watch ‘em on 8mm? Now we totally want to hang with the owners of Night Town. It’s a rare breed of gentleman that breaks out the double-reel for his porno, sir.

Oh, and two points for Ole Miss in the Fulmer Cup.

Erotic chicken cant u see, thoughts of pretty u and me.

Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Fulmer Cup, Houston Nutt, Southeastern Conference, crazier than sack of weasels, would you like some sexy beef by Orson Swindle

[ 44 Replies ]

November 27, 2007

NUTT TO OLE MISS.

Houston Nutt’s taking his sack of crazy weasels and trucking the family down to Oxford, Mississippi in a hire that…um…we actually can’t say anything bad about at all, really. What the hell is a blogger to do?

In lieu of negative bashing of decision-making, we’ll actually have to discuss what’s good about the hire. Nutt wins games, so that’s an instant improvement over his predecessor, who did not win games this year, something coaches are supposed to do from time to time. Nutt also gets people to play football very, very hard. Not always intelligently, true; but very, very hard, and in very simple schemes they can pick up with ease. They’ll run the daylights out of the ball with Ole Miss’s underrated line on first and second down before the real treat: the return of the Matt Jones offense with Jevan Snead, where he’ll have a one receiver pattern, find it’s not open, and then will have to improvise and “make a play,” a phrase that is the coachspeak equal of 12th century cartographers’ “THARR BE DRAGONS.”

Nutt will also be away from Fayetteville’s now-toxic social environment, where he probably could not send a single text message without a nabob piping in with “HEY, YA TEXTIN’ UR GALFRIEND, HOUSTON?” Oxford’s more laid-back, and the other thing Ed Orgeron forged with three years of yaw-yaw (besides a nice talent base) are the sweet oblivion of low expectations. It’s not like Nutt has to win five games to improve in the SEC. Winning just one would do that.

One game? That’s improvement? WOOOOOO GIGGITY!

As for the dearly departed: Ed Orgeron has been mentioned in rumors surrounding Washington State. If you see a huge Cajun berating bushels of apples for their bruises and lack of toughness in the next week or so, Washingtonians, you’ll know there’s some credence to this scuttlebutt.

Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Houston Nutt, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference, crazier than sack of weasels by Orson Swindle

[ 62 Replies ]