GIGGITY! Houston Nutt is waiting until the trial of Jamar Hornsby on assault charges to make up his mind about the former Florida safety fond of using dead people’s credit cards for living expenses and beating up fast food workers with brass knuckles. It would be hasty since twice is a coincidence, and three times is just coincidence with a stutter.

“It’s real simple to say, ‘Next,’ but we’ve spent a lot of time, do a lot of research, get pretty close to the guy, feel like there’s a relationship there that you can maybe help him,” said Nutt, who will welcome Scout’s 17th-ranked recruiting class to campus this summer. “That’s one of the reasons we’re in the business, is to help them. But there’s a double-edged sword on that deal. He’s got to help himself too, he’s got to do things right.”

Like not hitting people with brass knuckles, for instance, when they neglect to put mayo on your burger. It’s a scholarship offer, though, so Houston Nutt will just treat like any of the other 458 commits he gets every cycle,
anticipating their eventual trip down to Mississippi’s endless community college system.

(BTW, the Mississippi economy is entirely supported by casinos, catfish, and community colleges existing solely to funnel struggling non-qualifiers up to large football programs. Add in John Grisham and booze, and you’ve pretty much got the entire GDP of the state in a single description. )

Oh, and this doesn’t sound as bad as it looked on paper.

Scene: a gray office in the Tennessee. LANE KIFFIN sits down with business consultant TAD SMITH.

Tad: Coach Kiffin, thanks for coming to your performance review.

Kiffin: No problem

Tad: So you’re in charge around here, is that fair to say?

Kiffin: Absolutely. I’m the coach.

Tad: Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the coach.

Kiffin: Well the first thing I do is… (more…)

South Carolina, never change your mascot. It both reminds us of your surreal, backwards fascination with fighting roosters and gives endless double entendres involving your football program. Look, a hat! Look, a Cock with a bitter taste! Boundless impotence jokes!

In this week’s installment of Cocks behaving badly in the news, sophomore cornerback C.C. Whitlock was arrested for trespassing after police were called and told that a man was refusing to leave Club 330. For the simple trespassing charge, this Cock is given a single point, and reminded that when someone wants a Cock out of their face, it’s best to remove it politely and walk away.

A full Fulmer Cupdate is on the way, Big Board and all. To the ortho first, to find out the current status of your fearless leader’s pesky broken backbones.

Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just watching football practice. You’re Chris Rainey, aren’t you? Hi, I’m Christina Hendricks. You might know me from my work on Mad Men. Not familiar? Well, I’ll show you this clip from the show. I think you’ll find it representative of many of my strengths.

You say you haven’t seen the show, but you will now? Well, I’d be happy to show you some private scenes, since I just loooooove talented young athletes such as yourself. I only have one thing. You have to weigh over 180 pounds, stud, or you’re not going to so much as canter on this pasture.

And I’ve heard you don’t like to eat?

“He doesn’t like food,” Marotti said. “It’s hard to gain weight when you don’t like food. He’s eating because he has to. He doesn’t eat because he likes food. He’s just starting to drink the (nutritional) shakes (that contain 365 calories). He didn’t like the shakes. How are you going to gain weight if you don’t take in calories? I always tell him, ‘I watch football every Sunday and I don’t see anyone who looks like you playing at the next level. If that’s your goal, maybe you’ve got to change.’ “

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You come back to mama when you’re full-sized. I like a man with some meat on his bones, and right now this Lean Cuisine things isn’t the kind of meal I’m looking for, okay? Until then, it’s just Youtube and Jergens for you, Twiggy-potamus.

This post was written by Christina Hendricks and she really will sleep with you, Chris Rainey. This is not fiction and you should treat it as a promise EAT YOU TINY GENIUS EAT!!!

Reader Ian points out a frightening similarity between the Tamil Tigers logo and LSU’s own branding, as well as offering up his own hybrid of the two:

Please not the “Libation” slipped in there for effect. As he points out:

The Tamil Tigers, a terrorist group accused of attacking civilian villagers, employing child soldiers, and possibly deep-frying unusual local wildlife, have recently been decimated by the Sri Lankan government…Meanwhile, the LSU Tigers are also controversial. They’ve been accused of attacking civilian tailgaters, employing child soldiers, and bearing firearms…

LSU has two up on them: The Tamil Tigers are a big 0-1 on the year, and still have their prized starting quarterback. Both do share a love of spicy food, though Cajun and creole cooking have nothing on Sri Lankan food, a cuisine so heinously spicy it contributes to higher rates of stomach cancer in the country. (It also makes determining whether you have the shits very difficult, so ass-scorching are the resulting bowel movements. They could be normal, or they could be shigella, as friends of ours who lived there found out the hard way.)

Handguns don’t kill people. Mike Patrick does, and when he’s through he stuffs them in a vat of quicklime he keeps beneath his prize roses. Louisiana legislator Ernest Wooton has proposed a bill that concealed weapons (with a proper permit) be allowed on the LSU campus.

This woman was shot for her pelt sometime during the third quarter.

If you’ve been to Baton Rouge on a gameday, this seems like as good an idea as giving high schoolers an extra set of genitals, something Les Miles agrees with in the general sense.*

Coach Miles, in his own words:

“Having worked on a college campus for most of my career, I know that firearms do not belong on campus.

“To allow firearms on campus would be to introduce an element of risk that could compromise all that is good about a university setting.”

Imagine the Mogadishu-on-the-Mississippi resulting from a Tigers loss, and you get the picture. As much as you might have joked about seeing Lee Corso shot after a game, do you really want to see Lee Corso shot after a game? Oh, so you do want to see him shot after a game. So sorry about that. No, we’re not standing in your way. Why would we do that? My, you’re handsome. No, not in a gay way. Hey, you should point that somewhere else, really, Corso’s right there, and BLAM OW owowoowowwowo my, that stings, and yes we would like a beer, please, thanks…**

*He might support the giving of additional genitals to high schoolers. After all, he does have eight testicles himself.

** Please note the LSU fan here offers you a beer after shooting you. They are polite in their own way.

Please, Coach Richt. Sit down. Would you like a pillow? You would? That couch is awfully firm, I know. Yes, it probably would hurt your back if you slept on it. Ouch! What sleep number are you? A 27, you say? They go that high? Wow. You are a man of refined and delicate tastes, sir!

So I’m here to discuss the Florida Georgia game with you. That game in Jacksonville, yes. So you want it moved? Right? Because it’s…hot. Oh, you mean in this room, too? Yes, it’s somewhere around 75 degrees in here. You require an exact temperature of 74 degrees in order to not wilt? Really? Well, sure I guess we can do something about that. There, adjusted it for you. Gonna make it? Sure?

Okay! Let’s talk. You want to move the game to Atlanta because it’s hotter in Jacksonville, and because going to Jacksonville isn’t really playing at a neutral spot. (more…)

If you don’t know Trindon Holliday, just look for tiny blurring object skittering around the field when LSU plays, and that’s him. Part quantum anomaly, part running back, and all midget, the 5′5″ running back is unfairly and incomprehensibly fast. How he ever gets tackled is a mystery worthy of scientific study, and further proof that college athletes with lateral speed are beasts beyond parallel and worth their weight in scholarship dollars and high-grade cafeteria chow.

Holliday won the 100m at the SEC Track and Field championships by running 100 meters in 10.01 seconds. The camel finished in seventh place for guest competitors King Abdallah Technical University and Moral Prefectory of Riyadh.

A shaded shed on the grounds of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. Shane Matthews, former Gator quarterback and radio commentator, wakes to find himself bound to a backboard. ALBERT THE ALLIGATOR stares at him.

Matthews: Wha…what happened?

Albert: …

Matthews: I was having a beer at the Copper Monkey one second, and then…nothing. I just want–

Albert: (Raises a finger to his lips. Um, the place where his jaws come together. Whatever that is. There.)

Matthews: What do you want from me?

Enter URBAN MEYER.

Meyer: Shane, I only want you to do what is required of you. (more…)

Simple tastes of luxurious strength program. For BEST strength program and airplane, summer comes. Florida most strenuous program for summer strenuous, for results. Championship for winners, and must from altitude maintain great attitude. DISCIPLINE! Only run through SILKEN CURTAIN PAIN WRAP and IRON RING TRANSPORT DEVICE MANNER makes victory incredible unavoidable.

In video, seen: wide contributor Nakamura, Harold, pedestrian without scholarship. His time was WORST for team. Tebow Tim finish time: 2:10. Hard body, hard mind, winning spirit! SWEET before victory. Nakamura will commit honorable suicide for shaming team and family with poor performance.