AP–LOS ANGELES. The Jackson family said they were moved by Lane Kiffin’s tribute to Michael Jackson yesterday in a formal statement issued through the Jackson family publicist.

“From one active recruiter of 13 year olds to another, we thank Coach Kiffin for his moving tribute to Michael’s work with youth,” read the statement. “We certainly appreciate it in this trying and difficult time, especially from someone so busy. Sincerely, the Jacksons.”

Kiffin could not be reached for comment, as he currently has his arm caught in a snack machine on the Tennessee campus.

It’s probably not real, as spectacular as it would be. Marvel as the gymnastics of a blogger using a Dawgvent editor’s refutation of an online hoax! Boggle at the layer upon layer of pseudofactuality!

We’re inclined both to believe that it’s fake and that the chances of the impostor being caught are exactly 1 in nofuckingwayleventymillion. (HT: Georgia Sports.)

LSUFreek: Do you think the forehead chunk is too much?

Orson: No, no way. It’s tastefully done, and I live for forehead chunks.

In honor of UGA’s outstanding financial status going into this season:

Men with cash on their heads never disappoint.

I WANDERED lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
But fuck all that shit. Here’s Ed Orgeron firing some bitches up at the Tennessee Women’s Clinic.

The original Wordsworth poem would have been so much better with that as its intro, especially if they’d had embeddable Youtube in the late 18th century. As Clay notes, this is comedic perfection, and further proof that Ed Orgeron clearly breathes twice the oxygen per inhalation as any other person on earth. If four word, two part crowd participation phrases were Nobel prizes, Ed Orgeron could call up Linus Pauling in hell and tell him just what a bitch he was for only having two to his credit.

(HT: Clay, of course.)

The Fulmer Cup Big Board, tended as always by the Reggie Nelson-sized-tackle-dragging Brian, returns this week full of naught but tiny points tweaks and a single, lonely Nebraskan arrest warrant blowing about the waving cornflowers of the Great Plains…

I-back to the Future. Nebraska picks up a single point for the negligence of I-back Quentin Castille, who failed to appear in court over a trio of missing license plate charges, and will instead be brought in on the proactive tip by the Lincoln law enforcement community for wasting the judge’s precious time. This does not count as the kind of jail experience one can brag about, sir. Gucci Mane this does not make you.

Carl Johnson, finally off the books. The points awarded to Carl Johnson and erroneously left on the books after their dismissal have been returned to the cookie jar, since the charges were dropped after a judge realized at an attorney’s urging that a man cannot break a restraining order he does not realize exists. Carl Johnson has peacefully gone back to watching his girlfriend just like the rest of you do, which is through an open window with a powerful infrared telescope.

Otherwise: The long quiet gulf of June awaits, smooth, ripple-free waters sure to be interrupted by a bar brawl on a hot evening or a Florida Gator affray charge of some sort.

In news that will shock absolutely no one whatsoever, Tony Franklin does an interview that ran in the Montgomery Advertiser this past weekend where he suggests the overall vibe at Auburn is somewhere between that of Elsinore-in-regal-crisis and the KGB-era Lubyanka prison in full blossom. If this surprises you, congratulations: you are a deeply deluded Auburn fan, and probably already subscribe to the conspiracy theory of this having something to do with an impending ruling on Alabama. SPIES EVERYWHERE WE TELL YOU.

Lubyanka on the Piedmont: Auburn.

(For sanity–if you’re into that poison–is at Joe Cribbs’ Car Wash, as usual. It’s slow and Tony Franklin likes to talk. Voila! Off-season piece!)

Only the finest niblets from the place Terry Bowden fled in the middle of the night with his binkie and sippy cup in hand from the article follow.

On the atmosphere:

“It was the most unusual place I’ve ever been,” Franklin said of the Auburn program. “No one liked anybody else. There was this deep distrust of everybody. The coaches didn’t trust the administration, the administration didn’t trust each other or the coaches. It was very strange and very unnerving. You would walk down the halls and there would be tension you could just feel.

On Auburn coaches and religion:

“That’s all they do is pray — and talk about praying and religion,” Franklin said. “It’s a constant thing with them, and it’s just overwhelming at times. A lot of people use religion as a crutch, and I think that’s the case there. Every word coming out of their mouths is something about religion, and most of it is just a joke.

It certainly explains their offense in the final years of the Tuberville era. (Florida note: Damn you to hell, Brandon Cox.)

Sometimes human behavior can be easily programmed and predicted. To save time, we’re encoding college football internet commenters by school. Your next helpful bit of code: the operating system for an Alabama fan.

Code: BEGIN “ALABAMA OS12NC”

10 SCAN for (”Auburn Fan”)

20 IF (”Auburn Fan”)=”present” SKIP to 90

30 IF (”Finebaum column”) THEN 40

40 SCAN (”Finebaum column”) IF “Flattering” THEN PRINT “email”=”YOU’LL TURN ON US SOON I KNOW IT”

50 SCAN (”Finebaum column”) IF “unflattering” THEN RUN program “SLASH COLUMNISTS TIRES AND SEND DEATH THREAT.” NEXT

60 IF (Team’s win % >.500) CITE (Present excellence) RELATIVE TO (object defined: “anything at all.”

70 IF (Topic) = (Coaches) THEN Print (”Bear Bryant”) 400 times

90 PRINT “12 NATIONAL TITLES YOU COWFUCKING FARMTARDS”

100 REPEAT 90 SKIP 90 REPEAT (RECURRENT LOOP)

110 IF (query) = “Iron Bowl 2002–2007″) PRINT “FILE NOT FOUND” NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT

120 SCAN (room) =”Utah fan” THEN command SCREAM=”Freaky Mormon bastards damn you and your flapping titties Andre Smith” THEN (EXIT)

130 VOMIT IF (”conversation”) sub (Object contains ["Shula, Mike]) PATH ["garbage can"] direction=["INTO OR AROUND AS BEST AS ONE CAN MANAGE"]

140 OBJECT RULE=(current coach) + (even a legitimate criticism) RE: (current coach) THEN command RUN FATAL ERROR

140 IF steps 10-130 SCAN=(Code: Unapplicable) THEN command YELL “ROLL TIDE ROLL” until SERIES END=”Never.”

Charleston Southern and Florida International are Florida’s cross to bear this year as the possible point sinks alerting voters to the fluffy, delicious weakness of Florida’s out-of-conference games. The thirst for easy, one-way revenue in the form of a pay-for-play cupcake game does fill the coffers, but it also opens Florida up for the kind of rhetoric that worked so nastily against an undefeated Auburn team in 2004 should Florida get through the schedule unscathed and win the SEC title game.

If Florida does this, then we get to face the big green hologram of John Swofford and his assorted flying monkeys, or BCS Jambi, or the mixed mythological metaphor of your choice to represent the bag of snapping random events that is the BCS. If Florida mails in a a few along the way, those little cash-for-smash games along the way will stick out even more than Auburn’s oft-cited Citadel game in their 2004 year. Then you have the world’s angriest team facing some poor souls in the Orange or Fiesta, and no one wants to see that much blood on a single field. *

This all presumes a huge number of events: an undefeated Florida and two other undefeated BCS teams, a probable but unlikely option to pick up as a casual gambler. It has happened, though. The good news? Next year Florida’s home schedule is slightly improved, with South Florida taking the Troy slot. There’s still an D1AA team on there, because we must wean ourselves off the sugar fix slooooowly, but instead of the Fun-Dip of Charleston Southern we get the jawbreaker of Appalachian State. (App State as candy: probably won’t break your teeth, but you’ll at least you’ll worry about it.)

Miami of Ohio is on there as well, thus setting up the stage for the long anticipated thank you to the Cradle of Coaches so revered by Urban Meyer of only a forty point blowout.

*Except me me me me me.

This nightmare scenar

All society really requires from people to just get their shit together. Not in optimal shape, or even in good shape: merely together, as in barely functioning above marginally dysfunctional.

We think this a lot when driving behind handicapped drivers, who rank with Ethiopian cabbies (two speeds: 15 mph or 70 mph) and old men as the world’s worst drivers by discriminatory category. We’re very sorry life has done something to you to give you the little pac-man-eating-a-seated-man on your car’s license plate, but it by no means excuses blowing through stop signs. driving ten miles under the speed limit at all times, or breezing across four lanes of traffic without using a turn signal.

Just get your shit together, stop attempting to recruit others into the handicapped drivers’ club by causing accidents, and allow us to cause our own accidents by attempting to blog and eat a Chik-Fil-A number one meal all by ourselves. (The broken bones came from a pull-up bar–just imagine what we’re capable of with a car!)

The same could be said for Arkansas defensive tackle Lavunce Askew, arrested for taking a laptop with teammate linebacker Matt Marshall. Marshall and Askew allegedly took the items from an unnamed complainant in the middle of the night. Marshall was seen returning the iPhone the following morning.Then this happened:

Askew pulled up while police were questioning Marshall, had the laptop and admitted to taking it, according to the report. He said he was going to use it for school. Askew was placed under arrest.

Oh, for school? Well, just go on your way young man no don’t I’m kidding put your hands on the hood of the car. Your shit, together it must be. That’s felony theft, and three points in the Fulmer Cup for Arkansas, who already have had a great week thanks to Ryan Mallett breaking his ring finger while lifting weights and missing summer practice.

ps. Another Arkansas “athletic” was arrested this past week, too. See excellent typo in that article for title reference.