The proletariat will rise, and you will beat the guts out of them at homecoming. San Jose State coach Dick Tomey called the APR “class warfare” on smaller schools like San Jose State, who will be docked nine scholarships and four hours of practice time weekly due to their struggling APR.

“There’s such a difference between the B.C.S. schools and those who are not,” Tomey said. “I don’t think it’s an intended difference, but it highlights financial things like not being able to throw money at the problem and solve it very quickly.”

To the streets, Dick Tomey! The midget corps has your back! Wait: widget corps? That’s not half as cool.

As part of college football’s Urban Haute Bourgeoisie, we light a cigar with a hundred dollar bill and tell you to get begging, urchins! Our carriage needs a lithe young rapscallion like yourself to clear the pigfilthy streets of this town for us, lest we get poor germs on our hansom! The little sweep-boy may have a point: of the 37 football programs hit with penalties by the NCAA, only two were from BCS conferences (Kansas and Washington State.

The apt metaphor for this may not be class warfare, even if Moscow’s involved. The better analogy for this may be No Child Left Behind: schools performing badly are sanctioned, then sanctioned again, and given little recourse–and even less if they have no swing or political clout within the NCAA. The Wiz is all over the particulars, including more Entertaining Fun with Mike Stoops, who loses football games and whose team has the lowest APR among BCS teams.

Pete Carroll thinks you’re lazy. Saban’s videoconferencing to get around the new recruiting rules, which Pete Carroll ascribes to sheer laziness rather than an interest in the recruits’ well-being:

“I don’t want to sound like a jerk,” Carroll told The Sporting News, “but other coaches… they’re just lazy.”

If Saban is videoconferencing, rest assured Pete Carroll is visiting recruits on the astral plane and bypassing this pesky technology.

Welcome to UCLA. Physical therapy included. UCLA’s having a positively Iowa-esque injury plague this spring, and it’s not just with the returning starters at quarterback. Walk-on running back Craig Sheppard had surgery to replace the AC joint in his shoulder and will be out 4-6 months. In addition to this, starting qb Ben Olson just had a screw put in his foot, backup Patrick Cowan is out for the season, and JUCO Kevin Craft will have to have his head bolted back to his shoulders sometime around the end of September.

Get in on the ground floor of UGA hype: Tony Barnhart has them at number one. No pressure! [/hurling cursing mindbolts with all our might and watching Knowshon Moreno dodge them effortlessly.]

Hey, we didn’t piss the shit out of him. Get your wonk on with our interview with Buzz Bissinger at the Sporting Blog. All pleasant, mind you: civil, polite, and discursive in that good way, which considering Buzz’s temper and our own tendency to be an irredeemable smartass is impressive, indeed.

Ana Marie, just say you’re proud, lady, and we’ll stop sending all those letters. (We’re running out of our own blood to write them in, but how else will you know how much we care!?!?!?!)

Wonk? We prefer Wonkette emerita.

LSU will make many top ten lists this offseason despite the loss of Ryan Perrilloux. Most of the publications have gone to press already, and fixing this would cost muh-nay like WHOA to fix. As fun as it is to put your chips on talent and let it ride, the list of losses for LSU is large, and that’s from a two-loss team, mind you: Glenn Dorsey, Perrilloux, Flynn, and the one that can be forgotten in all the hoopla over the Sixty Million Dollar man, their defensive coordinator Bo Pelini. It’s a transition year in Baton Rouge, even with the usual three-string deep mutant talent.

Florida and Florida State both lose linebackers to “life:” Jerimy Finch for the Gators and Marcus Ball for FSU were both released from their scholarships on Monday and are free to transfer to other schools. Ball was one of the eight thousand Florida State players suspended from the Music City Bowl, so academic improprieties or sprained cerebrum may be a possibility. Finch also suffers from sprained cerebrum-type difficulties, but also has two kids back in his home state of Indiana, a likely school for his eventual landing. Fun note of happiness! FSU returns only one starting linebacker now. CAN YOU SAY PLAY-ACTION?

SMQ sees Missouri and likes the fact that, for once, they have a defense and someone else besides a one-man extravaganza at quarterback. Chase Daniel, the 37 year old pizza deliveryman who made up the name in order to fulfill his dream of returning to college, ripping on the football field, and banging hot chicks, could not agree more.

Pec’d! A pec injury to Nate Longshore means Kevin Riley may have nabbed the starting job at Cal, a move surprising exactly no one who watched Riley lead the Bears back against Air Force.

We’re in Florida this week taking a working vacation, which rules because you still write and work and stuff, but you do it from hotels where you can throw your towels on the floor and order ten dollar hamburgers from room service. You can also get the St. Pete Times, America’s finest damn mid-sized newspaper, where actual reportage sits side by side with lists of the top ten worst beers ever.

1. Busch NA Non-alcoholic beers are bad by nature. Remove alcohol, remove flavor. But Busch NA seems to have gotten around the alcohol part of the beer by steeping corn husks in seltzer water to make a tea that Andrew Zimmern wouldn’t drink.

They all wither at the awesome, wrath-of-god flavor profile of Taiwan Beer, a heady blend of green peas, formadehyde, and a hint of phenol in there. Throw in a lingering flatness and lack of froth or bubble, and it crosses the line from tear-inducing horror to grandeur.

The Kentucky football programwill use its own plane for recruiting after Wildcat bigwigs approved the measure to help Kentucky keep up with other programs in both basketball and football handshakin’ and promise makin’. Sure, they could go the reasonable route and lease their own private plane, a reasonable time-share in the sky with some other contractor…or they could nut up and do the SEC proud by going the Iron Man route, getting a fly-ass private jet complete with stunning waitresses, disco lights, and retractable stripper pole. You know it’s only a matter of time before LSU does just that and puts a deep-fryer in the galley.

Or you could just go Google-luxe. Hammocks in space, bitches!

Not a balla till you pimp this.

Nick Saban was at Kent State when four Kent State students were shot by National Guardsmen in the worst recruiting campaign for the National Guard ever. Saban says it gave him “perspective,” a quote which makes you wonder why more sportswriters don’t commit death by wall/head collision in search of meaningful quotes for stories. In other news, our morning dose of Tussin made us feel “Tussin’d.”

Jabu Lovelace will freak you from the bench. The EDSBS Heisman Candidate ‘08 based on pimpish name alone, Jabu Lovelace, is the subject of another “hey, there’s lots of confidence and stuff about everyone around here because we’re all confident and stuff” offseason article. Rutgers should be confident: a name like Jabu Lovelace practically guarantees scoring both on and off the field. His full first name? Jabulani. That little rush of pleasure you just felt? Only a hint of the freaky pleasures that await you and your adventures in love with Jabu.

Strengths: ability to read defenses, take hits from linebackers and buildings. Live to win! Dartmouth qb Conner Kempe can’t make kiteboarding any less silly than you think it is…but he almost died trying:

Kempe was kiteboarding off the coast of Miami when he caught an unusually strong updraft. While updrafts are what give kiteboarders speed and time during a run, this current carried Kempe 60 feet in the air and flew him 300 feet onto shore, smashing him into the side of a building, dragging him to the ground, and throwing him into cars, poles and fences.

Kempe was read last rites at one point before his astounding recovery, and will start for Dartmouth this fall.

GRRRRR BARWIS. The cult of Barwis expands ever further. No, your 30 minute session on the elliptical machine does not necessitate the consumption of chocolate milk because you did not just do five sets of hang cleans followed by a ten minute plyometric vomit-circuit.

SURRENDER BEGINS IN LOWER CASE. Now here’s a political candidate we can get behind. The minute you stop writing upper case YOU SURRENDER!

Dick: grew. We thought with the sadness of the Orgeron leaving, this blog would shrivel to an undersized, flaccid organ of the evil, dedicated-to-cruelty online media. Ah, but thanks to Bobby Petrino and Casey Dick, we have a new swelling of pride that’s got the whole neighborhood talking.

Dick, who has consistently been one of the SEC’s most inaccurate passers the last couple of years, will be depended on heavily.

“He grew tremendously in the spring,” Petrino said of Dick.

It’s the Enzyte offense, and it’s here to penetrate your offense like nothing you’ve ever seen before. They’ll go deep. They’ll work the middle and the sidelines. They’ll go up the middle with power before–gotcha–shocking you by exploding all over the backfield with sweeps. We can do this for the next 14 months or so if you like and it will never, never get old. Not to us, at least.

AAAHGGG, MAH CONFEDRUT VIKTRY FARR-STIX! Georgia moves to ban smoking at Sanford Stadium. Cancer is a democratic right, dammit.

Perhaps the only time the Economist will be linked here: Buzz, newspapers aren’t just dying because they suck. They’re also dying because the economy sucks, too.

Nick Saban shall not be published. Football Diet went to Nick Saban’s Huntsville booster visit and heard this:

He was clearly not happy with the published reports of his private comments during his Crimsom Revival stops at Dothan and Talladega earlier last week and this week; he told the media present that if he saw his visit mentioned or if any of his remarks were printed or recorded in any form, he would not return to Huntsville to speak again.

And then he wrote it on his blog. ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS to you, sir.

Pretty much, dude. The playoff proposal fronted by the SEC and the ACC died unholy, cruel deaths at the BCS meetings in Florida yesterday. First Delany pulled at its flesh with pliers; then he had minions whip it with electrified cables; then it was forced to swear fealty to the Rose Bowl forever before sitting unsupported on a bamboo spike. When it finally caved and spoke mercy, Delany then pissed on it, ripped its organs from its body, and had its head hung over the city gates as a warning to the citizenry.

As the Wiz wrote:

The formula for success is simple: Line up the nonconference schedule with home games against the likes of Tennessee Tech, Maine, Wofford and Villanova, ensuring four victories. Then grind out a 2-6 conference record and presto — you’re bowling!

There is hope in all of this for one team looking for an elusive bowl win: thanks to Central Arkansas, Notre Dame might win a bowl game this year. We think we said this last year, too, which shows you that just when you think you’ve hit bottom, the floor drops out and deposits you into a seamless concrete tank filled with lit kerosene and flameproof crocodiles.

Thugs don’t always work. Charlie won’t recruit those hoodlums and thugs you know and love, college football fan.

His plan has worked so far. Weis mentioned that he has had very little social problems to deal with in his three years as coach of Notre Dame.

“I could get hoodlums and thugs and win tomorrow,” Weis said. “I won’t do it that way.”

Weis still has not learned how to be a proper head coach, and this is further proof, because as anyone knows, Iowa tried just that, and look where it’s gotten them. City Boyz Inc NOT EQUAL wins.

We think that’s a myth. Shavodrick Beaver, hyperheeled qb recruit for Michigan, receives the ass-end of some awkward Tom Luginbill phrasing in an excerpt from Feldman’s entry from yesterday:

He is probably very similar to what Pat White looked like coming out of high school as a passer, but Beaver is much bigger and may be more explosive for his size.”

That’s all a myth, right? Further field research required.

It’s a road…you go…when you die… Take a shot from the mancannon of the internet in the face, Bissinger! Where else can you get bearded hipsters singing odes to the Rainbow Road level from MarioKart, a game we will waste at least seven hours this weekend playing.