Football used to be so much more…fatal. Frank Deford dusts off the fine year of 1905, when some 26 people were killed playing football in the era of the flying wedge, the legal shiv-block, and the “Paddy McDuffin” offense*, which was all the rage in its day.
Not seen: fullback with shotgun, dog devouring middle linebacker.
The article’s mostly quotes, but it will make you thirst for a day when one could spin a fine carriage to a game with a syphilitic lassie, take a sip of sight-destroying Virginia rotgut, and soil one of the three pairs of pants you owned while watching the youth of America engage in the kind of bloodsport that made this nation strong.
Few players wore helmets, and a close observer declared that as Harvard and Yale pummeled each other, “It was the most magnificent sight … every lineman’s face was dripping with blood.”
Since this does concern a team from the Boston area, we can only assume this was the reddest, most poetic blood ever and that no other blood has been bled so painfully or nobly from an athlete in any sport ever. (more…)
–Rhymed “Masoli” with “holy-moly,” “ravioli,” “Spicoli,” and “E. Coli.”
–Zoinked out beginning that wouldn’t be out of place in a Gnarls Barkley
–Ref’d the Yin Yang Twins, which is always acceptable HEEEENNNNNNNNGHHHHH
–Rapper one dances with a rubbery-legged gusto reminiscent of a young Ray Bolger.
Points deducted:
–Yanked drum beat straight from J-Kwon’s “Tipsy”
–”Wait ’till you see my O” is creepy, especially coming from a dude with a backwards baseball cap, since we naturally assume “guy with sports jersey on” and “guy talking in terms of strong sexual innuendo” equals “guy who is a rapist, and not the tender variety”
I told him this wasn’t relevant to this ticket and he said “This job gives you power, doesn’t it? You feel real fucking powerful walking around like a big shot…He got back in his car eventually, “You just don’t like talking to me because I’m ethnic, just because I talk with my hands.” He then went on to tell me how important he was to this university and how he doesn’t have time to spend dealing with this crap.
The PDF is gripping reading, and more legibly and sensibly written than the column Jason Whitlock filed on the subject. (Mangino’ fatness is crushing his soul, which is heating up beneath the pressure and spilling out in volcanic bursts of rage. Geologically interesting. Logically specious.) The ESPN roundup mentions an incident sparking the player meeting where Mangino “is alleged to have grabbed, yelled at and put his finger in the chest of a player who had been laughing at a walkthrough or practice prior to the Colorado game on Oct. 17.” To be fair, that finger is the size of a ham. Poking it with force could snap a sternum if he wasn’t careful.
Your new pony is Mike Leach. Mike Leach’s mad flirtation of the year could be Louisville, though Dennis Dodd is saying it, and Dennis Dodd is wrong about everything forever. This likely means, on a white board in the offices of the Louisville Athletic Department, there sits a white board with “MIKE LEACH” listed under a big “NO,” but even erroneous rumors are fun to throw around, especially when you think about Leach’s offense cracking a hole in the roof of the Carrier Dome one hypothetical day.
“Tell them to call me,” said Switzer, 72 years old and 12 years out of football. “Tell them I can beat Navy.”
Dunkin’ Donuts would sponsor part of the buyout, ND. We’re not saying think about it, but you know: think about it. Into the trees, into the trees, Irish.
Strong. Rack ‘em. You may want to avoid the Word From Our Sponsors thread, because commenter Play Me A Song Mr. Neuheisel won the whole damn thing by himself with this comment.
Love the dynamic between the domestic beer drinker’s perceived slight versus the craft brew crowd’s need to mention their current drink of choice. As if anyone gives a fuck. Myself, well I’m a malt liquor man. Nothing quite says “I’m going to try to grab your wife’s sweet ass and steal your car while you watch the game” like the 40 OZ of Nightrain I bring to a tailgate. Hell yeah, motherfucker!
Hell yeah, sir. We raise a glass of Thunderbird to you in honor of your fine commenting skills.
Freshman safety Nyshier Oliver was arrested on November 7 and charged with shoplifting at a department store in West Town Mall.
The police report says Oliver was spotted putting a brown shirt worth approximately $110 in a Dillard’s bag. He was arrested around 1:45 that Saturday.
…the Saturday of homecoming about six hours before the Memphis game, to be precise. We welcome the Vols back to the land of the competitive SEC East teams, and now up their possibility of winning an SEC East title next year thanks to the increased verve and hunger of the youngsters clearly energized by the new regime in Knoxville. DA COACHO HE BE SIPPIN’ ARMAREDDA! DA LANEKIFFUH HE BE SIPPIN ARMAREDDA!
Mark Mangino is the subject of an internal review by the athletic director at Kansas. This does not mean a literal survey, as in a miniature submarine deployed into his bloodstream to properly assess his health, anatomy, and the actual size of Mangino himself. There is no need for a miniature submarine to do this. An ultralight would do for the purposes of this study, albeit one with an expanded gas tank to cover the expansive territory under study. (If it works for African wildlife research, it will work for Mangino studies.)
Kansas University athletic director Lew Perkins met Monday night with the school’s football players to discuss concerns about football coach Mark Mangino brought to his attention by one of the current players and others with ties to the football program, the Journal-World has learned.
Mangino is legendarily dickish with his behavior, and not just with his players. (With the exception of his more tender, confessional moments.) He probably has had to be this way to get anything done at Kansas, but the logic goes, as Pete says: when you’re winning, dickhead is fine, and when you’re not and bleeding out in the midst of a four game losing streak, it’s not.
The idea of him being in serious trouble due to player unhappiness seems absurd, especially since it takes a real peoplesuit like John Mackovic to make a player insurrection a real possibility. Absurdity is also the key in which life is written like a fine Spike Jones number, so yeah, it’s entirely possible.
Sometimes all you really do on gameday is nothing in particular, which is precisely why this video contains little more than lounging, blinding sunlight, idling around Athens, and asking a nice lady about her Dorito Salad. You heard us: Dorito Salad, bitches. DEAL WITH THAT.
A few observations on tailgating in Athens:
–Athens happens to be a bit more eclectic and hipster-friendly than most college football tailgates period. Pop open a cooler and you will see foofy craft beers. Open an ear and you will hear something other than lite-country and pop-hop, like the fantastic Commodores/Ministry/Run DMC combo we heard across from us in Tent City. Unlike many SEC burgs, football seems to pull in the townie crew in Athens. They refuse to wear the red pants sure, but they still show out in their own way.
–Everything across the board in the Classic City seems to be at a B-plus or B across the board. The food, while not up to the Roman Orgy standards of Baton Rouge, is excellent across the board. The gear, while not on the mobile dining room standards of the Grove or Alabama, is nevertheless acceptably extravagant. (Quoth Paul Westerdawg: “If you can put it on wheels, we’ll do it.) While they don’t splash out on alcohol quite like Florida fans do (and note that this is the only thing Florida fans really go balls-out on, the booze, booze, booze,) the brands are mid to top range and poured with a shamelessly liberal touch, especially the brown stuff.
Like a well-managed NFL salary cap team, Athens’ tailgating necessities are all economically chosen to maximize potential enjoyment, making the scene the king of no single category but the master of the total array. Across the board Dawg fans are the most well-rounded tailgaters we’ve seen, quick with a bottle opener, adept with rapid satellite television array setup, and just menacing enough when you reveal your status as an opposing fan to be amusing.
–Scenery. We’re not just talking about the lascivious kind, either. It’s a beautiful campus with splendid weather, pleasant architecture, and proximity to bars. Trees surround the stadium. Attractive people of both genders are everywhere, so it’s not just the one-sided gawkfest every SEC lady has been through when visiting a place like Alabama. It’s a hair thing, mostly. Ladies can stand a lot of things, but bad hair will throw a woman on the hunt off the scent of even the most majestic mantelope. Like we say in the video: at least Athens offers a lot of different kinds of bad haircuts for one to choose from. As for the women, they are stunning. That is all we can say without sounding like a creepy old bastard any more than we already do.
Please, no one got shot in the leg. It is Ohio State/Michigan week, the second most intense rivalry on the boards this week in the college football slate. The first is Florida/Florida International. (Those uppity internacionalistas!) On Our Honor Defend is locked and loaded despite the game involving a.) a surging Ohio State team, and b.) a Michigan team with one leg, five teeth, and a a rusty derringer with one dodgy bullet in it.
That is from the 1973 game, a 10-10 tie (BOO) whose on-field hung jury spilled over off the field into the Big Ten voting for the conference representative to the Rose Bowl. Thanks to a series of rule changes and the even records, the decision on who to send to the Rose Bowl came down to a telephone vote of Big Ten athletic directors. They elected to send Ohio State, Michigan fans were outraged, and you are now officially reminded that as loopy as conference tie-ins and the BCS make the current game, it used to be much, much worse.
(Also, we would like to note that if a banner were ripped like that in the Florida/Florida State game, someone’s getting shot in the ass, or at the very least the leg to avoid attempted murder charges.)
“I’d rather see a deer get killed than us.” Roll Bama Roll’s “It’s Meltdown Time” features Auburn this week and a sterling collection of fearful invective leading up to the Iron Bowl in two weeks. There is quality angst all around, but this is the pick of the litter:
Get ready for another Daniel Moore masterpiece
Can it really be a Bama moment if it’s Chris Todd doing the honors? The title “The Giveaway TD” or “The Wide Open Interception” or even “The Ineligible Lineman Screen” have all of the accumulated football glamour of a particularly nasty toenail fungus.
Paperwork sucks for everyone. It’s not the offense, a piddling one…it’s the timing. The only upside is that if you wondered where Georgia Tech’s old compliance staff landed after their firings, well, now you know: they’re in Ann Arbor, evidently.
Jimbo Slice says this is how a lawya eat, and you best get over to the Alphabetical. This week’s topic include the metaphorical relationship between lobsters and USC, the Simpsons Completion Theorem, the Michigan fanbase doing it to themselves, they do, and that’s what really hurts, and kind words about the city of Athens, as close a place to actual live college heaven for all demographics as is humanly possible. Treason, you say, fellow Florida alums? Perhaps, but with Jimbo Slice on our side we fear nothing.
The Alphabetical will be along smartly, but in the meantime: per Mandel, Nu’Keese Richardson and and Michael Edwards have been booted from the team. Janzen Jackson, who allegedly had no involvement in the robbery and was inside the gas station at the time of the robbery, is still on the team.
And now, a song with no relation to this incident or story.
We’re glad you understand this, Mr. Black. Coming off another workmanlike 2009 victory, Florida may now only marvel at the glorious work done by its defense in saving Florida’s collective ass again on second hand video on Youtube, since the SEC still fails to understand that embeddable video = free advertising. Watch it while you can!
The victory over South Carolina and their American core values shirts–Integrity, Service, Titties, and Corn Syrup–did take Florida to 9-0, a very different 9-0 than last year’s unstoppable anime monster of team. Some have noticed the admittedly insane complaints, but at least they understand the beast they’re dealing with here.
“They want us to beat every team by 102, and give up no yards and score every time we touch the ball,” safety Ahmad Black said.
Um…yes. That is precisely what we want, because, as the Swindle Theory of Florida Fandom states, the only thing binding Florida fans together is a gleeful sadism. We would like to see someone set on fire and set on fire promptly, thank you very much.
“What is wrong with you?” From the SF Chronicle, who stylishly refers to the 55-21 beating of USC by the Cardinal on Saturday as a “defenestration:”
“What’s your deal? What’s your deal?” Carroll said, according to two sources near enough to hear.
“What’s your deal?” Harbaugh retorted, and that was that.
YOUR MOM! YOUR FACE! The best answer for Harbaugh could have been “Nothing, I’m just infected with WIN, that’s all,” but the heat of the moment boils the wit out of many. Going for two in the fourth quarter standing on a 48 spot to make an even fifty is retort enough, though not quite as good as getting the ball back and getting 55 anyway. Jim Harbaugh fears no man.
Behemoth: the Old Testament’s tastiest meat. The Cornhuskers devoured “behemoth burritos” on the bus after their victory over Kansas Saturday, meaning not only did their effort salt away at least a shot at the anarchic Big 12 North title with a upcoming matchup with K-State, but that the Nebraska training staff feeds their players nothing but the finest Old Testament creature meats. (Next week: Leviathan tapas with sides of real Golem for mineral reuptake after the harsh exertion of a football game.)
Jon Gruden:Staying at ESPN, meaning the especially delusional faction of ND fans will now move on to their next three candidates: Arsene Wenger, Sir Ernest Henry Shackleton, and Uatu the Watcher.
Lacked escapability. Texas kick returner DJ Monroe arrested for DWIEXACTLY 35 HOURS after the game, which is the most delayed celebration penalty ever. < ------ADD SOMETIMES HAS ITS DOWNSIDES KIDS.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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