Via: The House Rock Built.

Mr Swindle, you’ll never regret this. Think of this as the first day of the rest of your life! You may have been unable to get into Notre Dame, but you’re not alone there: many people can’t realize their dream of going to Notre Dame thanks to its rigorous admissions standards and challenging curriculum. In fact, you may be surprised to learn many people most people make the mistake of never even applying to Notre Dame or visiting. This is clearly evidence that “the elected are sometimes the self-selected.” This is a line from my forthcoming motivational and personal growth series “Elect Yourself! Running For the Presidency of Your LIfe.” I have enclosed a copy for review, which would be great if you could do by next week, tweet to your followers, post on Facebook, and suggest to other writers and friends via social networking sites over the coming months. I am available for interviews immediately, but book now! When this thing takes off, you’ll want to be on the ground floor, just like you’ll be in old Notre Dame’s return to glory after betting on them Saturday.

Thank you, Tommy, for your endorsement, and for your terrible motivational book, which we will use for the golden chalice we purchase after raking it in when the Irish, playing with machetes, cut their way through the jungle grass in South Bend en route to a 3-0 win. Matt Barkley will be lost to the Trojans for three weeks when he becomes disoriented, is separated from the group, and lives off sprinkler water and stale popcorn until he is found by the grounds crew somewhere around the 30 yard line.

I have to confess, everyone: I was wrong. There was a time, early in the first quarter at the stadium on Saturday, when the Notre Dame defense had allowed a few runs there and there to the Nevada Wolfpack, that I really thought about giving up. After all, I called for the firing of Head Coach Charlie Weis just one short year ago. Those were hard times, and I thought that rather than finding the silver lining, those gray clouds just above our heads would just stay where they’ve been for most of Charlie Weis’ tenure: right above our head and raining.

Turns out I was as wrong about that as I was wrong about Coach Weis, since the only thing raining down on the stadium Saturday were touchdown passes from Jimmy Clausen to Golden “Hands” Tate. For the first time, I really think I can say this:

Wake up the echoes, because we’re back, baby!

NOTE TO EDSBS.COM EDITOR: Should I say that? Baby makes me sound like a Miami fan, and I don’t want to come off as thuggish. I am embracing a more “street” look these days, and have been hitting the shoulders pretty hard at the gym. But I don’t want that to influence my writing on the University. They are not subject to the fashions young men have to adopt to fit in from year to year, and until I settle down, I will adopt the modes and looks of the day. But then again, my writing about Notre Dame should be “fresh” and “contemporary,” right? A bit of slang in there doesn’t demean what I feel toward my alma mater, and its soaring gold dome, emblematic of so many good things to me and all of the other lucky enough to get into our very selective university that Michigan tried to strangle in its cradle? It’s just a style question, and though you’re not quite the writer I am, I do respect your opinion. So what do you think? I would never consider calling Charlie Weis “bro” or anything like that, but it’s just a question. I’m interested in what you think about it.

Cut this before you post. It is not part of the piece.

I certainly respect what the Nevada Wolfpack did, but they just couldn’t hope to keep up with the brilliant scheming by Charlie Weis and his offensive staff. The energy in the stadium was unreal! I saw several alums even stand during plays because they were so excited, though they did sit down quickly and courteously when the ushers came along to settle things down. You can’t blame them, ushers: Charlie Weis football in its full glory has that effect on people.

Now that he has his team and system really installed and operating, it is time for the Irish to assume their rightful spot at the head of the table in college football, and that all starts next week with our big game against scUM. (Sucks!)* The Skunkbears think they have turned around their disaster of a program by beating Western Michigan. Please, Skunkbears! When you play a team that finished last year in a three-way tie for second in the WAC, we’ll talk. In the meantime, you can hope all you like, but Charlie Weis and his strategic advantage will make you hate the site of Tate and Floyd running down the field almost as much as Fielding Yost hated Catholics. (Rich Rod is from West Virginia. Are you the only people in the U.S. that go to West Virginia for brainpower? I mean no respect for my three classmates from the Wild and Wonderful state. They did all go to private school, though. I just think that should be noted.)

After we humiliate DickRod, the rest of the schedule is a breeze, including Fredo and U$C. They’re playing a freshman at quarterback? The sign of a program on its last legs for sure. Poodle must be getting desperate.

You’re probably wondering: who do I want to see them play? Well, I say bring on the Gators, and we’ll show Urban Meyer what a 40 year mistake he really made by not coming to his real home at Notre Dame either as a student, or as a coach. (Though I don’t think he could have gotten in with his test scores. He also decided to coach at Florida, and that is failing a crucial admissions test right there, IMHO.**)

In other news, I’ve decided to go to law school after deciding that finance, though very exciting, was not for me. Where am I going, you ask? Notre Dame law, of course, meaning I’ll be at every game this fall rooting for the Irish with all my heart. I realized three months ago that becoming a lawyer has been a lifelong dream of mine, and hope you’ll understand why I had to leave Spalding and Currant and their lucrative trading house in Chicago. I’d love to talk more about it, but I am forbidden to discuss ongoing litigation, and can only say that the truth will out when the case goes to its civil trial. It’s like an internship where I get to testify, and that’s part of the fun.

I’m on Facebook, so if you like you can contact me with tailgate info, law school meetups, networking opportunities, or if you just want to hang out with another ND alum who understands just what you love about Notre Dame.*** Until then, GO IRISH, and see you in Pasadena!

*You can take that out if it’s too offensive. It’s a running gag and a stylistic device, a way of stopping and starting the argument to let the reader know that even though you are writing this editorial, you aren’t above being a fan and joshing with them a little bit. It’s like this thing I wrote in skit night once, a piece where we did called “Borat comes to South Bend.” I did an edgy line where Weis–my buddy Carlyle–came in, and as Borat I said “This coach is NOT BLACK.” We didn’t think we’d get away with it, but everyone laughed and it worked out just great. I miss those days.

***Unless you have questions or comments about the ongoing civil case against Spalding and Currant and my actions as a trader there, in which case you will be blocked and referred to my attorneys.

23. Notre Dame.

Companion Country: Russia. Ruled by a strong man who, after a long losing streak in contests abroad finally led his nation to victory against inferior opposition in 2008.

Like Putin, enjoys photo ops emphasizing his cold lethality.

Economically, Notre Dame is also a single commodity market, dependent largely on the performance of their quarterback, Jimmy Clausen, who coordinated the respectably ranked 34th ranked passing game despite being “protected” by the 100th ranked pass game, a natural analog to Russia’s formidable ability to bomb away at distance with nuclear weapons while sitting behind 12,514 miles of land border. If his value declines, the whole country’s economy collapses. Clausen also shares Russian gangsters’ fondness for hair gel and numerous gaudy rings, and could easily double as a Muscovite oil tycoon-on-the-make bribing a traffic cop/ND usher to let him out of a traffic ticket/make noise during a football game.

Also, Charlie Weis likes to poison his opponents with radioactive tea. < ---totally untrue and completely speculative both for Weis and Pooty-poot. Luv u Vladimir plz dont kil me kthx.

Internal Stability: As good as it has been in decades, but that doesn’t say much? The strong man in question, Charlie Weis, would be seconds away from firing were it not for the general consensus that Notre Dame’s schedule was as easy an array of foes as the Empire had faced since Soviet troops ran roughshod over Czech hippies in Prague. ND goes to Michigan to face a Michigan team still on the rebuild-rebound, and plays Boston College in South Bend (or doesn’t, if you’re the ND fan who doesn’t like to speak of “Fredo,” who coincidentally has taken the gun six times in a row, killed Al Neri, and then stormed up to you in the part of “Michael” and drastically rewritten the story line by shooting the Godfather. Either way, feel free to pretend they don’t exist. It’s cute, in a petty, SEC-fan kind of way. We mean that.)

The game against USC is likely a lost cause, and because they should win it the game against Pitt at Pitt should terrify the Irish since the Wannstache does his best stabbin’ when you think he’s only got a butter knife in hand. Otherwise, we’re talking a nine or ten win season on paper for the Irish, and that bodes well for the man in charge and his long-term job prospects. The serfs of Notre Dame fandom will likely flock to their leader, as they do tend to act more on faith than evidence, and like to shoot dissenters on sight. Be warned, should you point out any mention of the weak schedule, suspect running game, or likely disappointment in a BCS game come December 15th or so. They’ll be 10-2 or 9-3, and that will be all that matters to set the still-formidable Notre Dame hype machine into Speznaz silent killing mode.

Surprising thing you did not know about this team: Nine starters back on offense, six on defense, and the noobs include Manti Te’o, the Stormin’ Mormon from Hawai’i who will man strongside linebacker while silently tut-tutting in his head at all the naughty language defensive coordinator Jon Tenuta uses. Charlie Weis will call plays from the sideline, most likely, in a Putin-esque display of manliness in the face of injury. He will, however, leave his pet tiger on the sideline, as it is a real distraction when it starts bounding around the field.

Also: Golden Tate. Strong like Stalin.

The IMF says: Russian-themed ribbing aside, the long-term prospects are good, but with a sour take. Approve ND for extensive credit into the low teens, especially if they perform well against USC, something they may be able to do with a pressure defense, home-run ball offense (hope you like the fade to Golden Tate! You’re getting 384739482 of them this season,) and homefield advantage. Then, if possible, sell shares when they’re snapped up by a BCS bowl, watch others do the same, and buy the cover when they lose to a two loss standard-bearer like Texas, USC, or whomever they end up facing in a BCS defeat. A replay of 2006? Sure, but all in all 2006 was a pretty good year. Notre Dame’s not there yet, but 23 seems like a bit cautious, and more of a hedge by voters finally overreacting to years of “turnaround, arrived!” votes in the mid-teens. As with any good market, run the other way to profit, and put ‘em somewhere between 13-18, which is where they’ll likely end up after a solid year.

Notre Dame gets really excited over THE SHIRT, something that comes out each year to great commotion. This year’s edition sounds like a slogan Gus Johnson would intone as a 1930s labor organizer: RISE AND STRIKE! Holly’s version is a bit more clear, we think, but she usually is a step ahead of things.

Alternate versions of this idea appear here, here, here, and here.

One thing seems inaccurate about this, though: given their schedule, Notre Dame should win at least 8 games with the crew they have on hand, meaning either a mid-range bowl bid of good value, or even more if they ascend to the 10 or 11 win mark. This sets up a replay of ND’s 2007 and 2005 seasons, where they ballooned upward on a relatively easy schedule’s tasty fatness, and then plummeted to earth when they faced the inevitable “national title contender who dropped one or two games and then arrived at the bowl game covered in a corona of howling Satanic anger.” This is all to point out that Notre Dame will probably have a nice record this year, and that Phil Steele agrees and therefore it must be likely, and that you’ll have to wait until after the bowl game to break out the “Piss and Moan” shirt around your friends, or even around the subhuman frontrunners who will shed their Yankee gear post-baseball season and don Irish gear to continue their impersonation of people in every season, including our beloved college football season.

–Iowa, Notre Dame, 1939, Nile Kinnick goes off.

–No sound, but we’ll fill in for you: harumphharumphISAYTHEREGOODSHOWharumphharumphYAAAAAYYYY. Fill in any blanks with thumping oompa tubas and bass drums.

–It’s chilling to think how many people on the field were killed in World War II. One was Kinnick.

(HT: BHGP)

PROGRAM CODE “NotreDameCommenter@aol.com”

IF “notre dame” PLUS “EDSBS” THEN “mandatory philbinpic.jpg” NOT “Deadspin”=”Gay_Brady_Quinn.jpg

10 INPUT: “Notre Dame”

20 IF (Mention of ND) Then (EXAMINE FOR SIGNS OF BUTTHURT)

30 IF (Mention of ND)=(lack of BUTTHURT minus FLATTERY) then SKIP TO 50

40 IF (BUTTHURT=PRESENT) then NEXT

50 RUN “BUNKER MENTALITY” NEXT

60 Type COMMENT 1=(accusations of jealousy) + (citations of past glory you had nothing to do with)

70 IF COMMENT 1 clash (malfunction RIPOSTE) THEN NEXT

80 RUN “WILLINGHAM EXCUSE” NEXT

90 IF “WILLINGHAM EXCUSE” clash (malfunction timeframe expired) THEN REPEAT

100 If REPEAT = (clash malfunction) RUN “IMPENDING SUCCESS” NEXT

110 “IMPENDING SUCCESS”= type (”Signs of improvement”) + (”highly touted recruiting classes”) + (”Get your shots in now”) NEXT

120 REPEAT IN LOOP

130 If 120=FAIL Then RUN “ACADEMIC EXCUSE”

140 “ACADEMIC EXCUSE”=(”We’re smart and you’ll work for us someday.”) REPEAT

140 END

This was the worst kind of rushing through shit, something we’re terribly guilty of all too often. We can’t even blame the painkillers, as they would have done the same thing stone sober, most likely. There’s a clarification in the post on TSB, and a total mea culpa here for the lack of effort. Michael Irvin would cut us from 4th and Long for it, and we would have taken our pads out of the lockerroom happily.

In some kind of act of atonement, we offer the finest in stunning slant from coaching bios:

Al Groh, UVA coach, whose entry includes this glowing boast:

In addition to his 56-44 record, Groh’s teams are 34-30 against ACC competition.

Wow: that’s truly notable mediocrity, anonymous ACC media writer. It certainly lacks the De Goya-esque gore of Dave Wannstedt’s entry, brought to you by the bloody, misbegotten prose of Dennis Dodd:

He is a living, breathing example of a Pitt education and Pitt football. “There might be no other coach in the country who knows the very soil beneath him better than `Wanny,’” CBS Sportsline.com senior writer Dennis Dodd said. “Wannstedt’s blood and sweat literally stain the grass at his alma mater.”

Dave Wannstedt is conveniently Vulcan for the sakes of this metaphor. At least he has something referring to his accomplishments as coach, as well as a tragic piece of tribute language devoted to him. Mike Sherman’s entire A&M bio has this to say about 2008:

(Jack. Shit.)

They haven’t gotten around to updating poor Mike’s profile yet, and if they’re kind, they won’t. Just leave it up there to remind them why they hired him in the first place. (We feel for A&M fans, since they kind of just have to sit back and pray it works out, or that they fall into the right young coach when they fire Sherman. It is a horrible, drawn-out queasiness that will last at least another year. We’re sorry.)

Colorado’s bio of Dan Hawkins says FUCK YOU, SHITTY 2006 TEAM.

And there were other positives, most notably the fact that his Buffaloes were in every game, fighting until the end despite being outmanned at several positions.

..and Arizona State’s Dennis Erickson’s has this original poetry from the veteran coach:

DO RE MI Drink:
DOUGH, the stuff, that buys me beer;
RAY, the guy that sells me beer;
ME, the one, who drinks the beer;
FAR, a long run to get beer;
SO, I’ll have another beer;
LA, I’ll have another beer;
TEA, no thanks I’m drinking beer;
That will bring us back to… (looks in empty glass) D’OH!

It also makes no mention of the tragic death of Rudy Carpenter from internal injuries suffered in ASU’s protection averse offense last year, so there’s obviously some serious editing and improvements needed.

BONUS FUN! Kansas State’s former AD was certifiably insane.

Presenting a matchup so retro one should be forced to watch it with a pair of hot-orange Oakleys on and while wearing a well-gelled mullet: Notre Dame and Miami are considering re-upping for their rivalry game, a series that has been on hiatus since a three-game stretch in 1987-1990 and was dubbed “Catholics versus Convicts,” an unfair accusation towards Miami in so many ways. (Probation is a totally different thing, and if you’d ever done anything fun enough in your life to get arrested for it, you’d know that.)

We’d watch it even if Miami in the 2000s has been less Miami, and more “Clemson With Skin Cancer” since joining the ACC. (Similarly put, Notre Dame would just have be “Notre Dame, but with a lingering bone cancer.)

Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick shows off his flair for bland but simultaneously inaccurate rhetoric in describing the matchup on more than just a football level:

Playing Miami is appealing, Swarbrick said, because “they are two great academic institutions. We’re eager to play schools that share our values. There’s a lot of great history around the games.”

We weren’t aware of Notre Dame’s declared love for chunky asses and teetering donks, and was equally ignorant of Miami’s fondness for cold weather and overpaying coaches. There’s no set date on it yet, but talks will resume in April to figure out which slots in Notre Dame’s remaining contract with NBC–good through 2015!–can accommodate the game. If it features anything like converting 3rd and 43 from your own goalline, it will be worth any trouble you care to go through to make it happen.

This is so awesome. I get to sing this part. It’s the Richie Sambora part.

WAAAAAANTEEEEEEDDDD!!!!

Now we’ve got ‘em moving. Get the expectations up to a realistic level. Nobody on my ass about winning a national title. Yup, Charlie: nine games. That’s what they can get. No Beano Cook blowing up the place looking for a crystal football hidden somewhere up my ass. Man, Charlie. It was looking pretty dim there for a while. Pretty dim. You lost to Chan Gailey, man. But here you are, rocking out with Bon Jovi on stage and…

Oh God. No.

NOOOOOO—-

Pepper, The Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin: CHARLIE! UNDEFEATED!!! LET’S GOOOOOOOO UNDEFEAAAAAAATED!!!
A NATIONAL TITLE! WANTED! DEAD OR ALIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!

Bill Belichick: Charlie, you o.k.?

Charlie Weis: Just hallucinating again, Bill.

Bill Belichick: You really should start talking back to him, Charlie. I’ve gotten some of my best blitz packages from a talking monkey-dragon named Hlobar.

Charlie Weis: Oh yeah?

Bill Belichick: Yeah. Ask Kurt Warner if Hlobar’s for real. Been with me since Cleveland. Best thing that ever happened to me. Isn’t that right buddy?

Hlobar: REAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHKLLLBBBLLLAAADDDLLLLL!!!!! [/breathes fire, winks]

By their count, the Irish have lost three coaches, gained five, and shuffled the positions of another five. And brace yourselves—Pear Bryant has crowned himself OC for the coming season.

“I thought the best chance for us to win this year would be to make me the offensive coordinator,” Weis said. “What that’s done, though, is it’s caused a trickle-down effect in configuration of our staff.”

The promotions also make it possible for Weis to coach from the press box while Brown runs the sidelines if they decide to explore that option.

Fan of college football in general, rejoice. This is a gift rife with potential. After all, everything went so very swimmingly for the Irish last year when Weis decided to take more of an active hand in playcalling.  (”But Hawaii—” No.  No crowing over waxing a team that managed a 7-7 finish with a WAC schedule.)  And fear not—if it doesn’t work out, he can always blame his wife.

Trent Richardson won’t announce for another half-hour or so, but do not let that stop us from surveying the landscape of smoking fax machines in that oh-so-original of ways, a cleverly coded winners/losers list.

BEEN HAD MONEY: Michigan, who took Denard Robinson at “athlete,” which in the spread option usually means “quarterback,” and who picked up key pieces from points south. Rodriguez recruited AustralAmerica well, though they did lose out on Pearlie Graves, a name we would strangle a wilderbeest to have on our team.

ALSO BEEN HAD MONEY: UCLA, who may not have had USC’s class overall, but who scored crucial points by getting OL Xavier Su’a-Filo and a solid class in the heart of the Carroll Co-Prosperity Sphere.

BEEN HAD MONEY (AND BACON-FLAVORED POI): Notre Dame. Pulling Manti Te’o out of Hawaii is a feat of extraction the CIA at its best would envy, especially going head to head with Pete Carroll. Google does not lie:

Te’o will take a Mormon mission trip at one point, probably to someplace with warmer weather and better entertainment than South Bend. We’ve heard Moldova’s nice! (Or haven’t, but it qualifies.)

GOT BEEN DONE HAD MONEY AND SWAGGER: Alabama, according to Dre Kirkpatrick.

“A little sun in the folds. That’s all I need.  Away from the sleet and the mail bombs and Clausen’s INT-to-TD ratio, on my way to a place where they deep fry whole fucking pigs for my pleasure.  That’s the ticket.”

But sometimes life…has another itinerary.

JIMMY: What are you doing here?
CHARLIE: Came here to murder you! [uncomfortably hysterical laughter]

When life gives you lemons, just say ‘Fuck the lemons,’ and bail.   The Hawaii Bowl. Opens Christmas Eve, 8:00 PM on ESPNs everywhere.