The proletariat will rise, and you will beat the guts out of them at homecoming. San Jose State coach Dick Tomey called the APR “class warfare” on smaller schools like San Jose State, who will be docked nine scholarships and four hours of practice time weekly due to their struggling APR.

“There’s such a difference between the B.C.S. schools and those who are not,” Tomey said. “I don’t think it’s an intended difference, but it highlights financial things like not being able to throw money at the problem and solve it very quickly.”

To the streets, Dick Tomey! The midget corps has your back! Wait: widget corps? That’s not half as cool.

As part of college football’s Urban Haute Bourgeoisie, we light a cigar with a hundred dollar bill and tell you to get begging, urchins! Our carriage needs a lithe young rapscallion like yourself to clear the pigfilthy streets of this town for us, lest we get poor germs on our hansom! The little sweep-boy may have a point: of the 37 football programs hit with penalties by the NCAA, only two were from BCS conferences (Kansas and Washington State.

The apt metaphor for this may not be class warfare, even if Moscow’s involved. The better analogy for this may be No Child Left Behind: schools performing badly are sanctioned, then sanctioned again, and given little recourse–and even less if they have no swing or political clout within the NCAA. The Wiz is all over the particulars, including more Entertaining Fun with Mike Stoops, who loses football games and whose team has the lowest APR among BCS teams.

Pete Carroll thinks you’re lazy. Saban’s videoconferencing to get around the new recruiting rules, which Pete Carroll ascribes to sheer laziness rather than an interest in the recruits’ well-being:

“I don’t want to sound like a jerk,” Carroll told The Sporting News, “but other coaches… they’re just lazy.”

If Saban is videoconferencing, rest assured Pete Carroll is visiting recruits on the astral plane and bypassing this pesky technology.

Welcome to UCLA. Physical therapy included. UCLA’s having a positively Iowa-esque injury plague this spring, and it’s not just with the returning starters at quarterback. Walk-on running back Craig Sheppard had surgery to replace the AC joint in his shoulder and will be out 4-6 months. In addition to this, starting qb Ben Olson just had a screw put in his foot, backup Patrick Cowan is out for the season, and JUCO Kevin Craft will have to have his head bolted back to his shoulders sometime around the end of September.

Get in on the ground floor of UGA hype: Tony Barnhart has them at number one. No pressure! [/hurling cursing mindbolts with all our might and watching Knowshon Moreno dodge them effortlessly.]

Pretty much, dude. The playoff proposal fronted by the SEC and the ACC died unholy, cruel deaths at the BCS meetings in Florida yesterday. First Delany pulled at its flesh with pliers; then he had minions whip it with electrified cables; then it was forced to swear fealty to the Rose Bowl forever before sitting unsupported on a bamboo spike. When it finally caved and spoke mercy, Delany then pissed on it, ripped its organs from its body, and had its head hung over the city gates as a warning to the citizenry.

As the Wiz wrote:

The formula for success is simple: Line up the nonconference schedule with home games against the likes of Tennessee Tech, Maine, Wofford and Villanova, ensuring four victories. Then grind out a 2-6 conference record and presto — you’re bowling!

There is hope in all of this for one team looking for an elusive bowl win: thanks to Central Arkansas, Notre Dame might win a bowl game this year. We think we said this last year, too, which shows you that just when you think you’ve hit bottom, the floor drops out and deposits you into a seamless concrete tank filled with lit kerosene and flameproof crocodiles.

Thugs don’t always work. Charlie won’t recruit those hoodlums and thugs you know and love, college football fan.

His plan has worked so far. Weis mentioned that he has had very little social problems to deal with in his three years as coach of Notre Dame.

“I could get hoodlums and thugs and win tomorrow,” Weis said. “I won’t do it that way.”

Weis still has not learned how to be a proper head coach, and this is further proof, because as anyone knows, Iowa tried just that, and look where it’s gotten them. City Boyz Inc NOT EQUAL wins.

We think that’s a myth. Shavodrick Beaver, hyperheeled qb recruit for Michigan, receives the ass-end of some awkward Tom Luginbill phrasing in an excerpt from Feldman’s entry from yesterday:

He is probably very similar to what Pat White looked like coming out of high school as a passer, but Beaver is much bigger and may be more explosive for his size.”

That’s all a myth, right? Further field research required.

It’s a road…you go…when you die… Take a shot from the mancannon of the internet in the face, Bissinger! Where else can you get bearded hipsters singing odes to the Rainbow Road level from MarioKart, a game we will waste at least seven hours this weekend playing.

Yeah, sure, you were about to say something. But fuck that shit: IT’S MARIO KART FOR THE WII, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

More violent that GTA IV. And the roadside hookers in Mario Kart? Far more alluring than the meth-hounds you bang in GTA, especially because they’re Japanese, and therefore disturbingly kinky and capable of morphing into blue tentacled fuckbeasts at any time.

Perhaps Columbia has an open date on their schedule. Notre Dame, rebuffed by Rutgers in an attempt to move their proposed six game series to the Meadowlands for “home” games for the Scarlet Knights, makes the New York Times sassy. And we warned you: you won’t like them when they’re sassy.

How humble of Notre Dame to have visited Ronald Reagan in the Rose Garden at the White House on Jan. 18, 1989, resisting all temptation to call for a meeting at a neutral site more to its grandiose liking.

Ooooooh, Notre Dame you got done EXTERMINGUISHINFLAMMANATED by that one! The writer also points out Notre Dame has lots of fans in the northeast, explaining why the Irish may be making eyes at Syracuse for a new series, presumably played in a custom blue and gold painted Carrier Dome with the Irish spotted seven points to start in the first quarters. (Against Syracuse’s offense, that might do it.)

We’d like to tell you that you can start immediately. Because here at UCLA, our quarterbacks should have had their knees injured in a plane crash, see, but they never got on the plane, and now the Ghost of Knee Death is stalking them all. Seriously: please come to school early. Laters, Rick Neuheisel. (Apologies: that’s COACH Rick Neuheisel, until he loses eight games.–ed.)

It’s like Georgia Tech, but with the possibility of having sex as an undergrad. Taylor Bennett, last year’s starter at qb for the Yellow Jackets, transfers to Louisiana Tech. Paul Johnson is looking like a coach with extraordinarily blunt player relations skills, and we don’t mean that in a bad way:

“He told me what his plan was and where I fit in and what he saw me doing and that didn’t look like something I was interested in,” Bennett said. “I thank him for being honest with me.”

“Son, you cain’t run. And you cain’t pass. And I plan on runnin’, and sometimes passin’.”

“Ruston it is, then!”

Roll, Tide! As in, “please, Tide, roll the urine the young lady just deposited in the Gulf away from my feet.”

I can tell you know how hard this life can be. But you keep on smiling for me.

Cee-lo, you are a beautiful fat little man.

West Virginia is concerned about all of those men crowding their box.

“A quarterback shouldn’t run the ball 20 times a game,” Stewart said. “Eventually, it catches you. … Now, if we can get the ball a couple of more places, make them defend the entire field, maybe we won’t have those safeties coming down [toward the line]. Maybe we won’t have people loading the box quite as much.”

Bill Stewart, please call Urban Meyer. Kthx, Orson. The WVU offense will look a bit more like the Wake Forest offense, but with nutsoid talent working it. Oh, and Pat White won’t be in a leaked nude photograph, either, as much as some of us might like it.

Nick Saban is officially a tool, per a minor league promo that was most definitely not concocted by an Auburn grad. Nope. Completely unbiased promotion going on here. If you believe in synchronicity, and we do, there’s blood on your hands today, minor league baseball promoter asshole. What’s “Roll Tide?” in Malayalam, the world’s only language whose name is a palindrome?

Lloyd Carr is down with the Dalai Lama clique. Carr attended a speech by the Dalai Lama, and has now ensured that if he ever were to visit China, he would be immediately arrested as a “splittist” and forced to work shirtless in a tannery until he died from chemical exposure.

“A website” has the Missouri Tigers in first place in something called the Fulmer Cup. A deplorable one, we’re sure.

Reminder: Mike Leach rules. Leach, on why he’s not giving up playcalling duties like Ralph Friedgen, Steve Spurrier, and Charlie Weis:

“Because I’m younger than those guys,” he said. ” … I got into coaching to coach. Otherwise, you’re just a handshaker.”

It’s inevitable. If you drive around long enough in Atlanta, you will find yourself in your car inexplicably doing the Bankhead Bounce to the same song the 47 year old black woman next to you is doing a sitting variation of the stomp to…and when it’s gospel, it’s even weirder. Weird or not, disco gospel from Kirk Franklin kicks off the day today. Ms. Johnson from the car next to us (we’re tight like that now) and I are going to have coffee together at the Starbucks by the Magic Johnson theatre and discuss her crazy daughter’s fascinating ways, and how men are dogs, and nothing but.

Blame Orson. Orson Charles of Plant High School broke Florida’s national title trophy with his ass, bumping it off its pedestal and shattering the crystal football into a thousand well-insured pieces. Charles now has a powerful incentive to attend Florida, since we were so nice about him destroying our trophy and all.

A frightened Charles thought he was in big trouble but felt relieved when assistant coach John Hevesy and head coach Urban Meyer joked about it (Hevesy said now he had to commit to UF, Meyer asked him how it felt to be a Gator). The trophy was insured, Charles would later learn, and Florida has ordered a replacement trophy. The school will receive it in the next few months.

Auburn is still waiting on theirs from 2004. (Ducks internet machine gun fire.) LSU got one with two losses; Auburn doesn’t sniff one with zero. Dr. Pangloss, this is the best of all possible worlds!

Syracuse football: admitting it is the first step. Learning is unlearning is ignorance is strength is weakness is power: the first sentence of this report on the final spring practice from Syracuse football is all one needs to know about the Greg Robinson era at Syracuse.

If Greg Robinson has learned anything about his team these past four weeks of practice, it’s that there are still more questions than answers.

What he’s learned is that there are known knowns, unknown knowns, and what those things that are still known are unknown. Oh, and that competition is really, really important. And stuff. The funniest fact from Syracuse’s practice: Doug Hogue, a sophomore running back, soared to the starting position because of both his talent and the fact that every other running back went down at one time or another with injuries. He’s underwhelmed by how he got the job, but get it how you get it: the last man standing gets the gold, mate. (What does it say about that clip that Steven Bradbury was hailed as an Aussie hero? Only what we already know: that Australia is the last and best hope for humanity.)

Sam Young: heavily dramatic. Sam Young, who claims to have added 43 pounds of lean muscle in a year, did not. It’s just impossible according to the laws of human physiology. (Even roid users have a hard time packing on that kind of mass in a year. If Barry Bonds and Carrot Top couldn’t do it, it just can’t be done.) He did star in a play, however, where he plays someone who tries to kill someone, a role no one on the ND offensive line played last year in any way.

We remain unimpressed. Call us when he’s ballsy enough to do ballet in a dress, baby, like Florida alum and Titan/Buc Ben Troupe:

That’s Motherfucking Mother Ginger to you, punk.

ANARCHY!!! Terry Donohue explains the origins of the “over-the-wall” tradition at UCLA.

“The players thought it would be a good idea to throw the coaches in the shower, then go over the wall,” Donahue said. “That’s exactly what they did. I climbed up the tower so they couldn’t get me. Then they proceeded to wander around campus singing Christmas carols.”

Can you say PCP? We can. Angel dust was huge in 1980. Just ask Helen Hunt.

LSU held their spring game, and the stat sheet just reads “Richard Murphy, EXCALIBUR!.” 145 yards on 11 carries, a 53 yard swing pass for a TD, and most importantly, no incidents of flamboyant behavior in strip clubs or tossing ethnic slurs at Arab-Americans in doing it.

Richard Murphy: #1,453 in LSU’s list of astonishingly talented running backs since 1995.

Can he throw passes? Seriously, in Crowton’s system they just throw it about four yards down the field at a time anyway on everything but play-action. This could eliminate at least one huge potential problem for LSU this season. It was all two-tight, I-form vanilla for the most part, but that’s your spring diet for you. Bland but nutritious, and it better be–it’s all you have for five months.

Georgia gets their buys, sells, and holds from Carter Strickland, and if you like horrifying running backs with Nightcrawler moves, stay nice: UGA has another one besides Knowshon Moreno, Caleb King, on the way. And the news gets worse: thanks to last year’s Cocktail Party, they have the healing powers of Gator blood!. They’ve got vials of the stuff, or at least they should.

We recommend Soulja Boy. We remember reading how Singapore began teaching classes on “creativity” a few years ago, an odd concept for a city-state anal-retentive enough to have a chewing-gum ban everywhere at all times. This reminded us of that exact moment:

He stopped a drill after a big defensive play because the players didn’t celebrate fast enough. This is a contrast to previous years, when the Irish seemed unemotional on the field. And with emotion comes confidence.

Festivity! Let’s see some festivity here! See, you might wanna chest bump someone like this, or perhaps point to the crowd. Consider flexing your arms while crossing them elbows-first in an ‘x’, or borrowing another gesture from a contemporary rap song. And you must do it within 1.4 seconds of the play. EXACTLY 1.4 SECONDS. See, that’s how to be spontaneously exuberant, people! On three…(WHISTLE!)

Oh, and after practice, remember: layer, layer, layer!

Lessons in Creativity, Part two. The Wildhawg formation–already a dreadfully dull name–is reborn as the…wait for it, wait for it…“Wild Rebel” formation. We can think of a thousand more interesting Mississippi-themed names for the formation:

–The Vardaman!
–The Lowest Per Capita Income in the United States-bone
–The “Yes They Deserved to Die, and I Hope They Burn in Hell!” ‘n Gun, sponsored by John Grisham.

Iowa State, she has a no kicker.

Because you needed slapping down, here’s you’re inspirational J.R. Ewing moment for the day. Remember, J.R. runs this shit, and you’ll be swept out with the trash in the morning when he’s done with you.

Come on, Vaughn. I’ll buy you a drink.

Rich Rodriguez claims Michigan “family values” have not declined, asserting that Justin Boren’s claim that Rodriguez has eroded the family atmosphere in Ann Arbor was “”way off base.” He also went further in his defense of family values by asserting his opposition to heliocentrism, his disgust for people being allowed to marry rocks, turtles, or homosexuals, and his fondness for corn syrup, especially when served in the name of a capricious, petty God.

This workout is brutal!

While Boren may have left the team due to declining family values, the Detroit Free Press just went ahead and all but called Boren a pussy who bailed on Rodriguez’s demanding new training regimen, a change from whatever Jazzercise Michigan was doing before. Flashback to Ivan Maisel’s piece on the new cruelty:

“After every workout, we would just come into the locker room and sit like that,” junior wide receiver Greg Mathews said, putting his head in his hands. “I can’t believe we just ran 12 100s and 10 40s and two 120s and we’re still alive. Man, I can’t believe we just did that.”

Now watch how you sew a few quotes together into an accusation of complete sad pussydom:

But Boren told much of the story 10 days earlier, following the team’s first spring practice. He cited then the change in the offense and the grueling nature of the first workout.

He also mentioned the difficulty the offensive linemen had constantly running back to the line of scrimmage in the no-huddle offense.

The only thing missing would be a key editorial decision to place an ad for tampon coupons right next to Boren’s head. Fine work, Freepers! Weakling or not, Boren is still very large, meaning he’s looking to transfer to another D-1 school including–gasp!–Terrelle Pryor’s choice, The University of Ohio State.

Stanford bows to no man. In between enraging Pete Carroll and enraging alums of Michigan by accusing them of academic laxity, Jim Harbaugh coaches Stanford. SMQ says they’re better than you might think, meaning he thinks they’re capable of being solidly middle-of-the-road. We agree–they’re Vegas’ best friend next year in the Pac-10, because they’ll sideswipe someone who shouldn’t lose to them. Not that this happened this year or anything, right?

43 pounds? Has Notre Dame’s Sam Young gained 43 pounds, as his stats claim, in a single offseason?

Let’s suspend disbelief and buy a 43-pound weight gain by right tackle Sam Young in approximately four months, a feat accomplished, Weis said, without the benefit of any additional body fat. A triumph attained, indeed, “just by adding lean muscle.”

Adding lean muscle…by stapling it to his quads? What the blind hell are they feeding him?

Your Friday Song of Crushing Glass And Metal Wreckage Falling From Great Heights. As you all know, we here at EDSBS love songs that sound like bombers obliterating cities, giant monsters snapping skyscrapers in two with their powerful cold hands, or herds of Cape Buffalo rolling unimpeded over fields of Tiffany Faberge eggs. Your song of Crushing Glass and Metal Wreckage Falling From Great Heights for the day: Helmet’s “Unsung,” ending with a relentless string of eighth notes that sounds like something burning up in orbit.

Metal guys who dressed like golf pros. Sometimes, we do miss things about the 90s.

Win forever, man. Scott Wolf may have the definitive story explaining why Pete Carroll will never leave USC: in an interview with the Redskins in January, Carroll requested an $8 million salary.

Kenneth Page, also winning forever. Clemson commit Kenneth Page–or at least everyone says that’s Kenneth Page–would like you, dear reader, to picture him rollin’, as he posted this pic of himself on his MySpace page and then very promptly removed it:

Ladies, I am both virile and blessed with cash, and other men I refer to as “haterz” cannot sleep at night thinking of my wealth and influence.

Brahsome has more details, but we’re sure that this can all be explained. We didn’t say the explanation would be pretty, but we’re sure there is one.

Jimmy Clausen has bulked up over the offseason in hope of weathering hits this year. Unfortunately, there are no biceps, triceps, cloits, or dloits on your skull.

Damn you, robot overlords. Urban Meyer, neo-Luddite but also a text-messaging fiend, complains about team chemistry in the iPod generation:

“Throw your iPod on, come in [to the locker room] bopping your head. Put on your equipment, go out to practice,” Meyer said. “Come in and throw on your iPod, punching your cell phone, text people and leave. How are you going to develop any chemistry on the team?

“You see it every day. Just go walk on campus. You see these white things stuck in peoples’ ears, and that means, ‘I don’t have to talk to you.’ “

But coach: how else are they going to talk to you? You wooed them this way, and now you’re complaining about it, which has us ROTFLOAO, OMG!!!111 We’d love to talk about it, but we’ve got some twittering to do real fast here, and a TF2 squad practice on XBox Live in 30. TTYL.