For $100 per share, anyone can buy stock in the new corporation, and will have the ability to vote on a board of directors that will oversee and make decisions related to the school’s athletics programs – including football and other programs. The initial share offering will be $20-million.

Boise State Broncos, Inc. will be modeled on a similar idea put forth by the Green Bay Packers of the NFL.

We’re in for a grand to own a chunk of a team we’ve never even seen, and for an investment we can’t be sure we’ll ever see back. Talley-ho, American investing strategies! Some changes will have to be made if we are to have any input on the future of the franchise.

Out with this…bronco. In with the combat bear ridden by a man in a Master Chief outfit with a flamethrower.

Most notably, when BYU’s basketball team played at Colorado State the following winter (1970), protestors threw raw eggs and a flaming molotov cocktail on the floor, and a piece of angle iron struck a newspaper photographer, drawing blood and knocking him unconscious. Approximately 50 blacks and whites charged onto the floor at halftime to disrupt a performance by BYU’s Cougarettes, and police were called in to quell the riot.

That’s how one properly storms the floor. Enough history: bring on the Cougar dong, please.

Ahh, that’s much better. (HT: The geniuses at Shaggy Bevo.) Nothing clears up a moment of solemn reflection like a poorly placed Cougar tail and one kid in an orange hat who looks reaaaaaaallllly psyched about his mascot packing furry womb wand the size of a Claymore in his holy undergarments.

Bad. Ass.

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Virginia Tech’s offense has been better than its dismal usual this year for two reasons: the improved run blocking of the Hokies offensive line and the emergence of Ryan Williams, the freshman running back who enters the game with 930 yards rushing and 10 TDs. If ECU allows 108 yards on the ground tonight ( a respectable average) then Williams will become yet another Hokie 1,000 yard rusher sometime around your third cocktail tonight. Be sure to toast him.

Of continuing and troubling concern to VPIUITAGMNAUCS–we think we got all the initials in there from VT’s title–is the scattershot play of Tyrod Taylor, an extremely efficient passer at 12th in the nation but streaky to an extreme. Taylor can bail an entire game out in a single master stroke, or he can perform tidily when supported by the run game, but the one thing Taylor will not be in a game is the piece you build an offense around it. If the game comes down to him, you need a miracle, and he’s already done that once this year against Nebraska.

Enter the reason ECU made such a nasty opponent for ECU last year: their quality rush defense, the principal quality turning ECU from speed bump into concrete wall for the Hokies. ECU held Noel Devine to 83 yards, and if you can do that to Ninjamountaindwarfman, you can do that to anyone.

The teams are remarkably similar in build and methodology, but if you have to go with anything, go with Tyrod Taylor’s ability to, on one or two frenetic occasions in the game, reach between his two very talented cheeks and just pull something from his ass.

Advantage: Virginia Tech. Yes, we just bet on Tyrod Taylor. We ALSO like to live dangerously.

Virginia Tech, You’ve Been Factor’d!

Category Two: Mascot: Dogfight of the year thus far for the Factor Five since there’s much to admire about both mascots. The Hokie Bird is an endearingly goofy anthropomorphic turkey complete with flapping wattle and a fierce expression, and like all the best mascots no one is supposed to know their identity until graduation day. (We would bet a hundred dollars this claim is exaggerated and inexact, and that someone’s had sex while wearing the mascot head, because that would be the first thing we’d do, because why the hell not?)

He loses points for being that guy in the gym. You know. Major Bonerpants on the bench press who needs a spot.

Hey…ladies…seriously, gonna need some help with this over here…

This is ECU’s mascot. He is a pirate.

That’s really his entire resume besides a resemblance to Edward Teach, aka Blackbeard, who was stabbed over twenty times and shot five before dying in a battle at sea. That and simply being a pirate is enough for us to make the judges signal in the direction of his corner for the win.

Advantage: ECU

ECU, You’ve been factor’d!

Category Three: Aura. Did we mention Pirate-Out? What was already ECU’s highest profile game of the year just went through the roof aura-wise. It will also generate some of the clumsiest drunken requests for sodomy in the Greenville area late tonight because “Yarr that’s what pirates would do.” Pirates around the area will, for the most part, go home to give themselves a Jolly Rogering, and yup that’s the end of our sexually themed pirate jokes. (NOTE PLEASE REMOVE HOOK HAND FIRST FOR BEST NON BLOODY RESULTS)

Advantage: ECU

ECU, You’ve Been Factor’d!

Category Four: Names.

Virginia Tech: Telvion Clark, Germond Oatneal, NUBIAN PEAK, Ju-Ju Clayton, Barquell Rivers, Kwamaine Battle

East Carolina: Derek Blacknail, Kwaku Danso, Doug Mayo-Tapp, Zico Pasut

Advantage: This was over at NUBIAN PEAK.

Virginia Tech, You’ve been factor’d!

Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness? Virginia Tech certainly owes ECU for a 27-22 upset last year, so grudginess certainly has to go in favor of the Hokies. [Holds out hands in balance pose, leans back and forth.] Then again, ECU has pirates… Desire to avenge an embarrassing loss at home a year ago….pirates….need to bounce back from nutpunching loss to UNC….pirates. So yeah, that’s totally advantage ECU um VT.

Virginia Tech, you’ve been factor’d!

EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: 3-2, Virginia Tech You’ve Been Factor’d! Remember, this means bet the other way at your own risk.

Jonathan “JB” Gerald, the coach Mike Locksley punched in the face in a dispute two weeks ago, has turned in his keys and cell phone to UNM officials and is likely out in the completely logical and not at all insane next step in Punch-Out, Lobo Edition. For Mike Locksley’s next trick he will cheat on his wife and get half of her money, lose a game and steal your bowl bid, and make you fat by eating all of these delicious cookies over here.

(Alphabetical taking forever. Along in a bit.)

Video after the jump. He’s as completely suspended as Byron Hout was completely bitchmade by Blount’s sucker punch. Unsportsmanlike? Oh, certainly. Dirty? Completely, yes, but shit, would you so much as step on Blount’s shadow without his permission now? Somewhere he and Ron Artest are walking through a suburban mall right now punching people in the face randomly and talking about how awesome smoothies are.

“They’re the shit.” BLA-DOW!!!

[/concussed fifth grader punched into fountain]

“No doubt. And with the immune blast? I gotta have my immune blast, dawg.” SPLA-KOW!!!

[/48 year old science teacher punched into Banana Republic plate glass window]

It’s terrible, but if Blount’s intent was to walk a-feared through this world like Mike Tyson and Ray Liotta forever, earning calls for the National Guard for routine traffic stops because this motherfucker is totally crazy, then yeah: mission accomplished, baby. That’s WWE heel script-reading portrayed perfectly.

1. The angle we call “BITCHES GET STITCHES:”

2. The angle we call “Disturbing Involuntary Facial Expressions”

In review: Oregon is as bad as Phil Steele says they would be, and don’t ever, ever fuck with Legarrette Blount.

Throw to your wide receiver flying across the water at 40 mph all you like: the real wonder is in the clip above, where Tulsa’s Mike Bryan demonstrates the time-honored Okie fishing method of noodling, also known as “fishing for non-pussies.” Someday this concept will expand to grouper, tuna, and if you’re a real man, sharks. Take footage, send post-haste plz in Youtube-ready format.

The real miracle in there is Bryan’s girlfriend, Brittany, who not only goes out there with him, but is county fair hot and actually likes wrestling with fish for fun.

“I’d rather come out noodling than go out to eat and the movies,” Brittany says.

If we hadn’t already proposed, married, and had a wonderful relationship with a woman who knows how to properly dose the tranq dart fired from a blowgun that puts us out every Saturday night, Brittany would be be choice 1a for Madame Swindle. A woman who will watch the air bubbles while you fight a giant mutant catfish at the bottom of an Oklahoma lake is a special, special woman indeed. Promise her anything, sir, and never let her get away from you. (HT: Smoking Musket.

We don’t know what secrets reside in Howard Schnellenberger’s voice, particularly in its lower registers: the location of German submarines loaded with Nazi gold, the authorship of the Nazca lines, and the point where Amelia Earhart was abducted by aliens. Admit that you believe Schnellenberger could be holding onto all three, and also responsible for the events leading up to them, or you are a liar.

The question had Howard Schnellenberger lowering his signature baritone voice to a level where deep, dark secrets reside.

“I have one rented,” rasped Florida Atlantic’s 75-year-old football coach, “in Oklahoma.”

You think he’s lying, but when the Dapper Don swoops in like a Green Beret clad in Brooks Brothers into the stadium Saturday, you’ll all be at your knees for the number one stunna of the class of 1857. Schnellenberger did actually fly in a helicopter into a press conference at the 1984 Orange Bowl when his Miami team faced Nebraska and eventually spoiled an undefeated season for the Huskers, because if you give people money in South Florida, they like to do things like burn it in piles and take helicopters everywhere.

Also, please bow at the awesome contained here:

Next on the list after that might be how his wife of 50 years, Beverlee, wore a full-length white mink coat atop a fire engine while reveling in the ticker-tape parade for the Hurricanes down Biscayne Boulevard after they’d delivered Nebraska with arguably its most emotional defeat ever, a 31-30 outcome that spoiled an unbeaten season.

“She looks good in white mink,” crowed Schnellenberger, who since 1982 has worn a suit during games.

And a flurry of women’s panties hit the stage.

INVIZIBUL GRL ON SHOULDERS. If you questioned the future integrity of the coaches’ poll, well good for you, Mr. Suspiciousness. The original Mr Suspiciousness in this case, Andy Staples of SI.com, has been wondering out loud what kind of skullduggery might result from coaches’ ballots going secret in 2010 (something that might not even be legal depending on your state’s legal codes, but that is a whole other mailbox full of hornets for you to put a speculative hand into, lawya.)

Troy Calhoun, Brian Kelly, and Jim Leavitt have already sent Staples their ballots in requests for this year’s ballots, and it confirms what you might think: if you coach football for a living in a BCS conference, and spend every waking hour breaking down film, doing interviews, recruiting high schoolers, and doing the myriad other things a football coach has to do in the course of a day, that leaves you with very, very little time to watch football outside of your conference.

Leavitt’s top 15 includes four Big East teams in the top 25 where the AP top 25 has none, including USF at #18. Breathe deep the intoxication of two decades of sleep deprivation, and now consider that Leavitt has Florida State at ten, North Carolina at 12, and Oklahoma replacing four of its five offensive linemen over Florida for the number one spot. Jim Leavitt fears no beast, even logic! Get in the zone with Leavitt and taste pain, AP nerd voters.

Brian Kelly’s top 25 ballot is more modest, putting Cincy at 25, but still putting two Big East teams in the top 25 above the Bearcats. The Big East is not alone in blatant partisanship. Troy Calhoun of Air Force has three Mountain West teams in his top 25, something excused by the current bull market on Mountain West speculation in the AP top 25, but still spectacular in its degree, as Calhoun has TCU at #10, way, way above most ballots outside of the Mountain time zone. (His ballot is far more sane than Leavitt’s, but then again, you know that before you ever looked, because Jim Leavitt is barking madness in a visor and Dockers.)

Meaning, in summary: if you think coaches’ ballots in the AFCA coaches poll are flawed, partisan, regionally biased, and half-assed, you’re probably right, and in 2010 you won’t be able to see just how biased they truly are. (Complete of the coaches who vote in the poll is here, and it includes all three coaches mentioned above.

Us: “Yes, the current food shortage in Somalia does hint at some serious instability outside of Puntland.”

Management: “You don’t say? [/attends useless 3 hour meeting]”

Field office: “Thanks. We’ll use this report to paper the walls of our bombed-out office.”

Thus leading us to the only logical way to rank the relative values of the USA Today Coaches Poll preseason top 25, an exercise we’ve become increasingly opposed to as time wears on. (See: extensive arguments about the inflexibility of rankings, the need to rank teams after week three or so, etc.) Each team will therefore be ranked in terms of stability, and correlated to the country of their choice.

Benny Beaver, jacked on over-the-counter cough syrup. Again.

25. Oregon State. Taiwan. The Asian Tiger of the Pac-10, Oregon State is always a nice bid for a 25 spot, especially because most voters not named Steve Spurrier are completely out of ideas by the time they get to 25. Like the Tropical New Jersey of the South China Sea, Oregon State makes diamonds from the coal surrounding them, somehow remaining competitive and managing power transitions well. (The Riley-Erickson-Riley switch progressed without the usual “Dennis Erickson Implosion,” a move of underplayed skill on OSU’s part.) They run the daylights out of the ball, win eight or nine games a year with frequency, and generally manage their limited resources well. A solid 25 pick by any standards, especially with a healthy Jacquizz Rodgers.

Internal Stability: Good, save for the continual qb hedging between senior qbs Sean Canfield, who can throw the ball well, and Lyle Moevao, who can throw the ball well and good through the chest of a receiver, but has the man-bear willingness to take hits and dish them out on occasion.

Surprising thing you did not know about the team and the country: Both thrive despite the constant threat of nuclear destruction: Taiwan by China, and Oregon State by the periodic rumors of Mike Riley being hired away from Corvallis. Also, the Beavers lose eight starters on defense, but that defense allowed 694 yards to Oregon in the final game of the season, so yeah: losing 72.7272% of nothing means you’ve lost nothing, even if this was the same defense that baffled USC into last year’s upset.

The IMF says: Credit rating is strong, leadership in place, and policies seem sound. Approve loans to conservative limits, and authorize futures no higher than #18, the highest ranking the Beavers have ever finished with under Riley.

24. BYU.

Ah, the celebratory gay dancing of the Mormon Haka! And by gay, well, we obviously just mean “festive”

Companion country: Iran. Forever rumored to be lying in the weeds and ready to explode, but in reality behind their peers in terms of real threat. The question for BYU is, like their Mountain West compatriots Utah and TCU, will they finally rise up and, in an ever-so-polite Mormon kind of way, bite competition on the ass in a serious, toothsome manner? Beating Washington last year can’t possibly count towards this goal, especially since officials denied Washington overtime on the worst technicality ever. (Call it the aborted weapons inspection of unsportsmanlike calls.) Also run by religious fundamentalists in search of greater weaponry, i.e. nukes for Iran, and black players for BYU who won’t date their daughters.

Internal Stability: Strong, even if Bronco Mendenhall uses a fake name, and cannot possibly really seriously named “Bronco.” Regime continuity is strong: Lavell Edwards was at BYU for 83 years, and Mendenhall looks poised for a Methuselan run after the unfortunate Gary Crowton interregnum.

Surprising thing you did not know about this team: Like Iran, their graduates thrive largely on single commodity economy. Iran runs almost entirely on oil and natural gas, while Utah’s economy is mostly dependent on Wilford Brimley and the industry of diabeetus testing supplies dependent on his constant, grizzled endorsement.

The IMF says: Rock-steady internals look good, especially with Utah rebuilding a bit, a move with serious upside for regional dominance prospects for the Cougars. 24 for the year is a guess based solely on past performance and the few dull spots in the twenties reserved for Mountain West teams by pollsters. As Utah proved last year, this is both unfair and inaccurate, and makes picking BYU here the equivalent of lowballing a potential high-teens pick. #24 is conservative, especially if you have comparable teams Utah and TCU floating six or seven spots above them–which exactly what the preseason USA Today Coaches’ Poll has.

Could be better than this by three spots or potentially more, especially if the offensive line bones up for the big games against TCU and Utah. Poor Max Hall ended up ripped by wolves in both games, taking 6 sacks in the TCU game and throwing 5 picks against Utah. With this provision, approve futures to #18, and possibly higher if they take alpha dog status in the Mountain West as they did in 2007 over TCU and Utah. (This assumes Hall survives whatever horrors await him at the hands of the Sooner defense.)

A few Fulmer Cupdates from the hot August home stretch on the Fulmer Cup beat. A reminder: the final day of the competition will be September 1st, with all points becoming null and void at noon. The traditional Fulmer Cup Amnesty Day of September 2nd will be observed in concert with Football’s Eve, so if you know someone looking for a day when their offenses will neither be tallied in points or reported as in-season shame, this is the day to do it. The current standings are here, but a full EDSBS Scoreboard will be up on Friday.

To the awarding of the points:

–Penn State has two boozy outstanding cases pending. Senior lineman Ako Poti decided to go-cart drunk, and substituted the go-cart portion with a car, which is illegal in all states everywhere. (Except for Arkansas, where it’s termed “breezy ridin’,” and punishable by a stern talkin’ to by the local sheriff.) Poti blew somewhere between a .10 and a .16, a formidable sum for a huge man and worthy of two points for standard and unexceptional DUI.

Penn State gets no points for recruit Glenn Carson’s drunk and disorderly, as he was not an early enrollee or on the team at the time of his arrest. He does get an appreciative nod from Joaquin Phoenix, who only hopes Carson belted out a response of “MONEY!!!” when asked any questions by the police.

–Occasional Fulmer Cup contributor Ohio University gives us nothing as grandiose as Frank Solich’s mickey-fueled DUI arrest or the punching of a police horse, but the theft of two laptops will give you four points in the Fulmer Cup: one for the misdemeanor plea deal Travis Carrie took, and three for the felony charges on the books for Corey Moncrief. Moncrief is also planning to major in criminal justice, and seems to be failing the fieldwork portion. Ironic juxtaposition, bitches! (HT: DevilGrad.)

1. Florida (53 first-place votes)
2. Texas (4)
3. Oklahoma (1)
4. Southern California (1)
5. Alabama
6. Ohio State
7. Virginia Tech
8. Penn State
9. LSU
10. Ole Miss
11. Oklahoma State
12. California
13. Georgia
14. Oregon
15. Georgia Tech
16. Boise State
17. Texas Christian
18. Utah
19. Florida State
20. North Carolina
21. Iowa
22. Nebraska
23. Notre Dame
24. Brigham Young
25. Oregon State

Others receiving votes: Kansas, Michigan State, Texas Tech, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, West Virginia, Rutgers, Miami (Florida), Missouri, Illinois, Clemson, South Carolina, UCLA, Auburn, Nevada, South Florida, Kentucky, North Carolina State, Arkansas, Wisconsin, Northwestern, Southern Miss, Wake Forest, Arizona, Boston College, Central Michigan, East Carolina, Colorado, Maryland, Navy, Tennessee, Houston, Michigan, Minnesota, Troy.

Curiosities, travesties, and other things that struck me after the jump — along with y’all’s chance to tear this thing up yourselves.

Urban Meyer isn’t going to forget this. It’s a big deal, and he’s going to make it a big deal. Maybe it’s just me, but I have to confess to a bit of shock that Florida wasn’t a unanimous choice at the #1 spot. Not that Texas, Oklahoma, and USC don’t have cases to be made, but with Tebow back this certainly seemed to be heading toward a year of “GREATEST COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM EVER?!?!?!?!”-type hype for the Gators, and it looks like at least a few folks aren’t buyin’ it.

Apparently some coaches are capable of coming to their senses. The rest of the top 10 conforms fairly closely to what we expected it would be based on compilations of the various publications’/sportswriters’ spring/summer top 25s from a couple months back, with a few exceptions: LSU has risen from a low-teens/fringey-top-10 pick to #9, eclipsing Oklahoma State and Ole Miss, trendy mid-top-10 picks a month or so ago but themselves languishing on the fringes of the top 10 this morning. (Cue Holly: “Like, ‘Hey, the Cotton Bowl was swell, but you’re still coached by Houston Nutt, right? Riiiight.’ “)

Rebuilding year? You might say that, yes. As befitting any conference projected to have a Wannstache-coached team as its eventual champion, the Big East failed to put a single team in the top 25; you don’t find any Big East squads until you dig down into the Others Receiving Votes category and find Cincinnati at a de facto #29, behind Kansas, Javon Ringer-less Michigan State, and Graham-Harrell-and-Michael-Crabtree-less Texas Tech. The Mountain West, by comparison, has three, tying the ACC.

Beano put you up to this, didn’t he? Yes, Notre Dame is in the top 25. Fortunately for those dreading another four months of “Are the Irish back?!?!” stories, we won’t have to wait long to find out whether they deserve it: After opening the season at home against Nevada, the Irish go on a three-week tussle with the Big 10 (at Michigan, vs. Michigan State, at Purdue), a loss in any one of which would probably be enough to bounce ND into Others Receiving Votes purgatory.

“Hope” is a four-letter word. Speaking of which, the coaches collectively exhibited enough charity to spare votes for: Auburn, 5-7 last year and still playing Death Is Not An Option with Kodi Burns, Neil Caudle, and Chris Todd at the QB spot; and Michigan, coming off their worst season ever and still a long ways off from having figured out Rich Rodriguez’s offense. Compared to these, the couple of votes cast for Tennessee almost look justified. (Your projections for what silly-ass comment Lane Kiffin will choose to make about this development, if any, are welcome in the comments.)

The times, they truly are a-changing. Does anybody else feel almost kind of empty inside not seeing Duke there at the end of the ORV category now that Spurrier has been asked to stop casting shits-and-giggles votes for the Blue Devils at #25?

So those are my immediate knee-jerk reactions; let the heckling begin. Audience, what say you?

‘Cause it’s Friday, you ain’t got no football, and you ain’t got s#!t to do. Break yo’ self, fool — the preseason USA Today Coaches’ Poll has been released in all its premature, ghostvoted glory. Rest assured Holly and I will get around to a withering dissection of everything that’s wrong with the coaches’ rankings later on today, not the least of which is the fact that some of the teams they ranked may not have even started fall practice yet, but for right now let us rejoice in a sign that the college football season truly is a-comin’. Kind of like when they start putting up the Christmas-sale banners in the first week of October.

This has been “Scary Thoughts” with Eric Berry. The battle has begun at Tennessee for the title of Other Safety Besides Eric Berry, and no less than Berry himself says both Janzen Jackson and Darren Myles Jr. have “a lot more natural ability” than he did when he stepped onto the Tennessee campus. Here’s a thought for Lane Kiffin: Why not just let the other team’s offense have the ball every series and play defense the whole game? Can anyone honestly say Berry isn’t the biggest scoring threat the Vols have on their entire roster?

It must be the winning record. It’s very slimming on you. Don’t look now, but Stoops might actually have whipped Arizona into a solid team — so solid, in fact, that Stoops himself has unloaded 20 pounds his Wildcats upset BYU in last year’s Las Vegas Bowl. In other nutritionally healthy news, there’s nothing spectacularly shocking about this Alabama notebook, we’re just amused by anything applauding a 354-pound man for his weight-loss diligence.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Bronco. Boise State says they’re not dwelling on their home opener against Oregon this season, but who’d blame them if they did? You can’t really accuse someone of “looking ahead” when the game they’re looking ahead to is their first game of the season, particularly when their opponent’s QB promised to “take it to them” a couple weeks ago. If you’re scoring at home, BSU punked Oregon 37-32 in Eugene last September, and host the Ducks on the Smurf Turf on Sept. 3.

Rolling with the Neu. Rick Neuheisel’s son Jerry, a presumptive member of the class of 2011, is starting to get some recruiting buzz, and though he looks sort of like how we imagine a member of the Swedish women’s track and field team might look, we know better than to bet against anyone with Neuheisel DNA. (Presumably, as a student at Los Angeles’s Loyola High School, Jerry will be at least an ancillary beneficiary of the breakup of the infamous Los Angeles Football Monopoly, though we can’t say for sure until we’ve seen the documents from the Securities and Exchange Commission.)

It’s going to be an interesting family Thanksgiving in the Bowden household. For the first time in ages, the only member of the Bowden family fielding any questions about national-title expectations is — Terry, despite bringing back only one offensive starter on his (Division II) North Alabama team. Imagine Stephen being the lone member of the Baldwin family to get any Emmy buzz in a given year and you’ve pretty much approximated the head-scratching factor here.

Profiles in headline understatement. The Virginia Cavaliers are looking for big-play wideouts, says the Charlottesville Daily Progress. Or, you know, big-play anybody, that’d be good too. (Cue my dad, UVA undergrad ‘71, Med ‘77: “We’re still the closest thing to a public Ivy in the country, Thomas Jefferson founded us, GRRRR ARRRGGGHH.”)

File under “Longtime rumors confirmed.” It’s official: Joe Kines “speaks another language.” The city of Tuscaloosa just collapsed under the weight of its collective lack of shock.

What? Oh, yeah, star QB, football, blah blah whatever. Ex-Longhorn hero and current Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young makes a very edifying appearance in the “What I’ve Learned” feature of this month’s Esquire, and while some of you are sure to beef with his promise to “be the next black quarterback to win a Super Bowl,” I’m not commenting on that one way or the other, mainly because I’m too distracted by the feature on Christina Hendricks of “Mad Men” immediately preceding the Young article.

Yes, I know that’s about as lazy as segues get, but y’all have been very good this week, and the very least I can throw your way as a show of gratitude is a little bunda. Don’t say I never gave you nothin’.

For lack of a better term, we’re calling this the “Kiffin Effect.” Pop quiz, hotshot: Coming off a 4-8 season and a 45-0 vivisectioning by your big in-state rival in which you netted all of 37 yards, what do you do? What do you do? Evidently, this:

Houston Nutt phoned in just now to say he has sucked it, as a matter of fact, and the Delicious Creamsicle of Immediate In-State Superiority was everything he thought it could be.

The pressure of being the preseason #1 for the Fulmer Cup must’ve gotten to them. I know all you EDSBS regulars have been waiting with bated breath for the first time I’d make a blatant plug for my dear Georgia Bulldogs, and here it is: For what feels like the first time since I was an naive, apple-cheeked freshman, the Dawgs have gone an entire offseason without a single player getting arrested. One hundred law-abiding cocktails to all of you, gentlemen! By contrast, the Dawgs’ season-opening opponent, Oklahoma State, won’t be suspending two offensive players arrested for pot possession in June. Note to Mike Gundy: If you’re going up against Georgia and you’re the one that looks slack on player discipline, there may be a problem. Unfortunately for the Dawgs, that righteous indignation plus two bucks will get Willie Martinez a grande Pike Place roast at Starbucks.

Your “Suddenly My Problems Seem Pretty Minor” moment of the day. The Tulsa World profiles Tulsa QB G.J. Kinne, whose dad, a high-school coach in Texas, was shot to death by the angry parent of a player four years ago. By contrast, I’ve spent most of the past 24 hours raging at having shattered the screen on my iPhone, and officially consider myself humbled.

We have met the enemy, and he is Tony Franklin. I mean us. We knew the Auburn coaching staff was a wee bit divided during last year’s 5-7 debacle, but evidently so were the players. Why was that, you think?

“The offense had their problems and some guys started hanging their heads – just stuff of that sort,” said defensive end Antonio Coleman. “That led to a 5-7 season. It was just the little things that led to seven losses. Coach Chizik came in and corrected that; and all the guys have their heads up.”

Yeah, it was just the little things — you know, division, not having any semblance of an offense, that sort of thing. You drop off by a few hundred yards here and there, pretty soon you’re going 5-7. It happens.

Hasn’t Detroit suffered enough? With the cash-strapped Big Three automakers pulling their sponsorship of the Motor City Bowl, Little Caesar’s Pizza may be stepping into the void, meaning “We’re gonna probably be known as the Little Caesar’s Pizza, Pizza Bowl,” according to bowl co-founder George Perles. As a Birmingham resident and much-put-upon supporter of the Papajohns.com Bowl, I have but one thing to say: YOU BASTARDS. Can’t you just let us have this?!?

It beat out other mottos including “Bereft,” “Unfulfilled,” and “Empty-Feeling.” Ole Miss’s team motto going into 2009: “Unsatisfied,” taking a commanding lead in the Most Depressing Team Motto of All Time competition. Tip: If it sounds like something you’d circle on a restaurant comment card after a particularly disappointing meal, it probably shouldn’t be your team motto.

The anthem to which the Rebels will be charging into Vaught-Hemingway in ‘09.

Failure to plan means planning to fail. As for the Early Bird Award for Most Absurdly Diligent Scheduling, Oklahoma and Army have won that one in a runaway by agreeing on a home-and-home — in 2018 and 2020. Congratulations, Black Knights, on being the first D-IA program to earn a guaranteed loss in a season that won’t even begin for another nine years.

Now, you go back to doing something latently homoerotic, all right? We’ve already posted Still Life With Shirtless, Oiled Football Players and Lamborghini, the curious poster Tennessee is using to arouse . . . uh, interest in the 2009 season, or something; turns out there’s a “making of” video. Go click the link yourselves, pervs, we’re not posting that nonsense here.

File under “Up, Nowhere to Go But.” UCF offensive coordinator Charlie Taaffe is “pleased” with the improvement his team has shown heading into ‘09. Considering that the Golden Knights finished 120th out of 120 in DI-A in both total yardage and first downs, the fact that there has been improvement at all is probably reasonable grounds for pleased-ness.

Twelve-pack? Better go ahead and make that a case. Scott Wolf compiles every single college football game that will be on TV opening weekend. If you can look at this and not devise a way to remain laid out on your coach from noon straight through midnight on September 5, you’re not really trying.

(Pre-emptive righteous-indignation stifling: McMackin’s free-speech rights aren’t being violated by any of this. The 1st Amendment prevents the federal government from prosecuting you for something you’ve said; it doesn’t bar your employers from fining you for making them look like a bunch of troglodytes. Thanks, carry on.)

With that out of the way, all that’s left is to sweep up the pieces. Can we expect an Obama-style “beer summit” between McMackin, the UH president, and Charlie Weis? Or would a “cosmo summit” with McMackin and the head of the Human Rights Campaign be more appropriate? We’re confident that any institution whose athletic teams were once nicknamed the “Rainbow Warriors” can be trusted to do the right thing here.

McMackin: I know most of the coaches in the country are rooting for us to beat Notre Dame,” McMackin said. “Charlie gives this talk, ‘We do something special at Notre Dame,’ and (the players) get up and they do this little cheer … this little faggot dance.

Giggles. Then: sudden realization, followed by nauseating regret.

McMackin: Don’t write that ‘faggot’ down. I was misquoted,” he said. “Just please … cover for me,” McMackin said. “Go ahead, say ‘faggot dance.’ No. Please cover for me on that, too — right Karl? I’ll deny it. Anything else?

Reporter one: Could you clarify that, please?

McMackin: No, seriously. Please don’t print that. It was–

Reporter one: I just want to make sure you know what you’re saying here. What exactly is a “faggot dance?”

McMackin: No, really, I’m sorry, I chose my words poorly, and I–

Reporter two: [turns around laptop, points to picture.] Like this kind of dance?

McMackin: [cocks hip to side.] Now, that’s a bit too static. Too Paris is Burning for my tastes. When I said it, I meant–

Reporter three: How about like this? [turns around laptop, points to picture.]

McMackin: [laughs] Well, that’s closer. The first was too theatrical, but this is just salacious. Far too Fosse for my tastes, you know? It’s like Tom of Finland meets Fame, right? I mean you can just smell the bathhouse here.

Reporter two: Tell me, girl. All that dance is missing is a tub of Astroglide and some Sylvester playing in the background.

McMackin: Right?

Giggles.

Reporter one: So you’re saying you want something more akin to a heteronormative inversion expressed in dance instead of something so overwhemingly masculine?

McMackin looks relieved.

McMackin: Yes! Yes, yes, yes. You understand what I’m trying to paint here. Something truly sissified.

Reporter four: Oooh! Ooh! Coach!

McMackin: Yessssssssssssth? [they laugh]

Reporter Four: You mean like this?

McMackin: PERRRRRFECTO!!! Magnificent! Fabulous. Exactly what I was talking about: feminine but strong, fierce, with Frank Gatson all over it. Yes, yes. SOMEONE knows what I’m going for here.

Reporter four: I’m so glad you got that!

Reporter one: Pure Beyonce!

Reporter two: Give us a hug, hooker! All of you!

Reporter three: SINGLE LADIES!!!

They all group hug passionately.

Awkward silence.

McMackin: Um, but yeah. That’s F-A-G-G-O-T. Just make sure you spell it right.

Reporter Four: (scratches balls, spits.) Yeah. We’ll print it. Right after we go drink some beer and have sex with some women.

Reporter One: Right-o.

Reporter Two: Hey, who likes vagina?

All, in unison: US!!!!

Awkward silence. They leave.