ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: It would be intellectual dishonesty to say that these are anything but two perfectly average teams playing perfectly average football: numbers do not lie in either case. Wisconsin in particular has little to say about suddenly changing a game in either direction; they don’t pick off passes, they don’t change games with special teams, and they can be dick-deficient in the passing game. Michigan State is at home, and therefore will likely win in a game reminding you of everything bad about Big Ten Football (to wit: ACC football, but colder.) HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: My streak of picking coaches for their perfectly trapezoid-shaped heads ends with you, Bieleieleielma. Spartans.
With Holly on the road, our pick-off will be less sushi and more suedehead this week with the appearance of special guest pick-off artist and college football aficionado Morrissey.
Hello. I’m sad, but in a semi-ironic way. Let’s talk football.
Texas Tech @ Kansas
ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL.Texas Tech. Based solely on the notion that Kansas’ attack is too loaded on Todd Reesing, making them the kind of team that thus far battles heroically against larger competition only to fall short by respectable but nevertheless losing margins. Tech in an all-in match with large piles of metaphorical pointschips.
MORRISSEY, MOROSE. Kansas.
Fat man, you put a flower on
To go down to the fair with your girl
The sight of both of you is enough to make a boy cryyyyyyyiiiieee….
Have you disappointeda few people? Were you supposed to do big things this year, but instead of stepping into the ball with gown and tiara intact, you decided to, you know…let your hair down for once and partied with the help, who plied you with Jamaican demon rum and took advantage of you in an alley, pilfering everything right down to your gold fillings and whatever remained of your virtue and, yes…the tiara.
Or did you take the chance and open that curio shop, only to find that the economy, in addition to failing to support your exquisite but sadly unpurchased supply of dreamcatchers and herbal candles, also frowned on the financial steps you trod to get there, including mortgaging that right kidney to a Russian organ harvesting conglomerate? It had to come out, and now you show your co-workers the stitches in between shifts at Checkers for a dollar per view?
Are you feeling…let down? Disappointed? Then there’s no better game for you than Auburn at West Virginia, where Auburn will attempt to score points by tackling Pat White if they can, and then carrying him however far they have to across the goal line into the endzone for a safety. And West Virginia…well, we can state with all certainty that they will definitely try to do something. A very definite something.
One day he is going to grow wings. (And fly into the mouth of a waiting bird of prey.)
This is your open thread. Let’s see those couches alight and smoking by nine, people.
Greg Robinson, demonstrating the position he has put Syracuse in as head coach.
Perhaps the first swipe of fall’s frosty scythe across your soul has chilled you to the bone, and made you think of death, the impermanence of things, and the fragility of life. Tough shit, buttercup: at least you’re not working in a job where they’re openly canvassing the neighborhood looking for your replacement.
Syracuse has hired former Big Eight commissioner Chuck Neinas to assist them in their search for the next head coach of the Orange, all while Greg “Gerg” Robinson is still set to take the field with the team for the remainder of the season. There’s denials a plenty in Pete Thamel’s NYT article and lots of agony to go around, but the most painful single graf in the whole piece may be here:
The prospect of Edsall’s ending up on the Syracuse sideline is unlikely for several reasons. The financial cost would be high, and any intraconference coaching change could engender bad feelings. Also, the UConn football program has perhaps surpassed Syracuse in status in the Big East.
Remove perhaps, and it would be perfect.
So mope around blasting the Cure on your iPod all you like with the leaves blowing around you, but at least you aren’t picking up a paycheck waiting for the hammer to fall after driving an already fading program nose-down into the basement of the Big East.
Hi. You know who I am. This thumb’s for you, Colt McCoy, because you’re a champion who takes my breath away and turns in slow motion away from onrushing defenders bent on crushing you. You took the highway to the danger zone but took the exit toward Victory Lane, and for that I’m buzzing your tower and oiling myself up for a one-on-one volleyball game. You’re invited.
No more playing with the boys, Colt: just you and me, a Colt and a Maverick out in the field doing what animals do. I’m bringing this thumb. Let’s role play: this time, you be Sam Bradford, and I’ll be Brian Orakpo and Sergio Kindle.
This is your open thread for the afternoon. We don’t judge you, whatever you’d like to do with or to Colt McCoy and the rest of the magnificent Texas Longhorns, who played the finest game of the year thus far against the Oklahoma Sooners. Boom. Motherfucker.
“I’m the biggest conservative in the world, but yet I have enough riverboat gambler in me to go for it,” head coach Bill Stewart said of putting Brown in those different roles.
Stewart is a conservative riverboat gambler. He’s also a true cynic with a heart of gold, a thinker with an impulsive barbarian’s heart, and a man with a woman’s emotional sensibilities, which is why he’s mad at Pat White, but says he’s fine, just fine. He’ll double down, up the ante, and then fold just to be safe. He’ll push that envelope, take it just to the redline, see the checkered flag come out, and then power down just to be safe. He sometimes uses a safety razor to cut the throats of this enemies. He’s a vegetarian who’s not afraid to order a steak once and a while. Don’t box him in with your petty little logic-prisons. He’s drinking decaf with his meth, and there’s nothing you can do to stop him from doing it.
He’s a platypus mated with a swiss army knife crossed with a cyborg peacock, and there’s not a thing you can do about it.
Go fuck yourselves, because we’re still not eating at the Olive Garden. “You do the math; I’ll do the Alfredo!” That math says that games now contain fewer plays and yet are just as long as they’ve ever been, according to the Wiz. The increasing commercialization of the sport shouldn’t anger any of you with the icy soul of an economist ticking away in your heart; what should irritate you are the ads themselves. Attention: we’re never, ever, ever eating at the Olive Garden, though we’ll consider investing with Pacific Life because when we think of something that never gets endangered, we think of…whales, yes.
Notre Dame’s Tightpants Pants Police Gets Tighter. Our visit to Notre Dame was pleasant enough, but the order chafed our inner Free Bird:
These ushers serve as nannies, not only refusing to allow any and all funness to occur outside the student section, but actively quieting fans down and quashing standing. You want to know who Hitler’s willing accomplices were? These people. One minute they’re telling you to sit down, and the next minute they appear outside of your house asking where your neighbors are. Screw these people in the ear; in our perfect stadium, they’re thrown screaming off the upper deck by the angry masses.
The rage for order spreads: Notre Dame police are now filming tailgaters and demanding people demonstrate sobriety to return to their seats, going as far as administering breathalyzers to people on the spot. Your ND gameday experience brought to you by the Malibu Police Department, who remind you to keep your ugly fuckin’ goldbrickin’ ass out of their football community.
(Oh, and we know the guy involved in the horse incident. He’s as harmful as a gun made of marshmallows. What do you have to do to make Southern policemen look tolerant? Answer: this.)
Jaybo! Jaybo Shaw may have the starting job at Georgia Tech locked down thanks to a nagging early season injury to Josh Nesbitt, but he toes the party line nicely in the AJC. Georgia Tech plays Duke Saturday and better watch their ass, because it’s Duke 2008 and they’re fully committed to the Great Preppie Football Uprising of 2008, a.k.a. the Axis of Formerly Feeble. (See Northwestern and Vanderbilt.)
Greg Rob Lunn, Voice of a Generation. Thoughts from a Fat White Guy, quickly becoming the voice of a generation, answers your questions. Re: linemen and their relative charms with the ladies:
But I think linemen do well because, like many-a-fat chick, we may never have been the best looking or most athletic guys, so by the rules of Bar-Darwinism we were forced to develop a personality, lest we rely solely on our marginal good looks, and thus starve in this proverbial survival of the fittest. They say that if you can make a girl laugh you make her do anything. Even date a fatty.
No bailout for Crompton. Financial metaphors fit everything, but most especially the plummeting stock of Jonathan Crompton. We mean this: send in someone to take a one yard sack and punt, a.k.a. the “three step drop.” It would be an improvement on passing down, and would make Tommy Tuberville rabidly jealous.
BOB DAVIE: Hello, and welcome to the Carrier Dome, in frrrosty Syracuse, New York! It’s a lovely September day outside, but now is the winter of Orange discontent. And joining me to get to the bottom of all this, Lisa Salters. Lisa, tell us about the setup today.
LISA SALTERS: Well, Bob, we’ve set up a series of motion-activated cameras and microphones throughout the stadium, in the hopes of capturing footage of the rare Syracuse football fans in their natural environment. It’s a technique pioneered by–Bob! [hissing] BOB!!
BOB DAVIE [quietly, urgently]: Don’t move. Their visual acuity is based on motion.
[cautiously reaches into pocket, removes bag of corn nuts, shakes it]
Hey. Hey. We’re not gonna hurt you. C’mere, little guy. C’mon.
SYRACUSE FAN [slumping into frame]: …Can I help you?
This astrological reading should be read for entertainment purposes only.
ACC: You’ve been down over a lot of things: poor performance at work recently, people saying nasty things about you. With Sagittarius rising, it’s time to embrace that inner archer and shoot for the stars this weekend doing something out of the ordinary. Try robbing a liquor store! Or winning any of your out of conference games this weekend, like Florida State versus Colorado in Tallahassee, N.C. State vs South Florida, or Virginia Tech visiting Nebraska. Did you know that Hokie qb Sean Glennon is a Virgo? And that this is ironic given his difficulty scoring? Keep that chin up, ACC! Over five thousand fans are just waiting to see who manages to make it to the championship game.
They’re waiting! All hundred of ‘em!
Big East. You know you’re a diamond in the rough, so why not go out and get the polishing you deserve, Big East, but going out and finding a little romance where you least expected it. For instance, have you ever made love in a bus terminal? (more…)
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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