The battery on TCOAN’s car died, so we’re off to the rescue, go-cup of Mai-Tai in hand. (When champagne comes in convenient can form–and we’re not talking that saccharine Coppola shit, either–we’ll take that instead.)

Quick things deserving address:

–Pac-10 Media Days, What! Watch the linked stream as every single coach and their players run back-to-back today. Steve Sarkisian, like Lane Kiffin, is a Carroll clone who speaks very quickly no matter the question. Oh, you can also tweet in questions here.

–Conference USA is having their media days in an all-virtual setting, and Graham Watson is doing an extremely entertaining job covering the spasms of doing a media event with live mikes and technical strokes happening all over the place. “One of the media members, maybe not know his line was open, just said, “This isn’t going very well.”"

–USF just became eligible for the Team Fulmer Cup award, and is now likely tied. No formal award yet, but if the usual one point suspended license sum applies, they would be tied at 17 with Hawaii. Since we don’t like ties, we’ll have to have some kind of method of breaking this unholy arrangement.

–Also: seen, and points to be assessed in separate entry.

Charleston Southern and Florida International are Florida’s cross to bear this year as the possible point sinks alerting voters to the fluffy, delicious weakness of Florida’s out-of-conference games. The thirst for easy, one-way revenue in the form of a pay-for-play cupcake game does fill the coffers, but it also opens Florida up for the kind of rhetoric that worked so nastily against an undefeated Auburn team in 2004 should Florida get through the schedule unscathed and win the SEC title game.

If Florida does this, then we get to face the big green hologram of John Swofford and his assorted flying monkeys, or BCS Jambi, or the mixed mythological metaphor of your choice to represent the bag of snapping random events that is the BCS. If Florida mails in a a few along the way, those little cash-for-smash games along the way will stick out even more than Auburn’s oft-cited Citadel game in their 2004 year. Then you have the world’s angriest team facing some poor souls in the Orange or Fiesta, and no one wants to see that much blood on a single field. *

This all presumes a huge number of events: an undefeated Florida and two other undefeated BCS teams, a probable but unlikely option to pick up as a casual gambler. It has happened, though. The good news? Next year Florida’s home schedule is slightly improved, with South Florida taking the Troy slot. There’s still an D1AA team on there, because we must wean ourselves off the sugar fix slooooowly, but instead of the Fun-Dip of Charleston Southern we get the jawbreaker of Appalachian State. (App State as candy: probably won’t break your teeth, but you’ll at least you’ll worry about it.)

Miami of Ohio is on there as well, thus setting up the stage for the long anticipated thank you to the Cradle of Coaches so revered by Urban Meyer of only a forty point blowout.

*Except me me me me me.

This nightmare scenar

Pitt redshirt senior Adam Gunn earned the rare sixth year of eligibility from the NCAA after suffering a broken vertebra in his neck on a hit against Bowling Green. The helmet-to-helmet collision gave him a concussion and a fracture of the C-5 vertebra in his neck, eventually requiring surgery to fuse it to the C-4, put Gunn in a neck brace, and file the appeal for extra year.

Gunn may have decided to begin this second chance at football and a senior year as a starting linebacker by running headlong into the arms of the police and tackling an impressive array of charges: resisting arrest, failure to disperse, disorderly conduct, and public drunkeness, all done on Sunday morning in what reeks of a FnDC/Nightlife Decathlete case. As all are misdemeanors, so it’s four more points for Pitt, a school making a di-dangity-dang-dang strong run in the offseason-long barfight of the Fulmer Cup.

ps. Bonus fun comment from Pitt Sports Blather!

keep getting in trouble guys – anything to get the wannstache fired! Please!

So…cold…at…this…thought…no…Wannstache….in…life…we actually shudder at the thought of this happening. Pitt fans might not, but life without the Wannstache seems like a poorer, less macho place to be.

Yeah, you liked it, Urb, but some people don’t.

Getting groped on public transit: it’s not just for Japanese film anymore, as the Pitt Panthers have make the big board with indecent assault, harassment, and disorderly conduct by wide receiver Jonathan Baldwin, who decided while he was on the bus that he may as well go and make a friend by extending a friendly greeting to a female student, or as the law calls it…

…for allegedly slapping then groping the behind of a female student…

Ah, the ol’ Pop and Palpitate Palpate. Good for Club Eros on Friday night, especially with the fifty year old librarians looking to form a filthy rugby scrum in the “Hellfire Room.” Bad for for total strangers on a city bus, and good for four points in the Fulmer Cup with the one bonus point for your name and “slapping then groping” being put into the public record for all eternity. We have company now!

We don’t make many promises, but we’ll make one right now: you will never, ever, ever see a Fulmer Cupdate on this website containing more pistol-whipping per square pixel than this one. Ever. If there is one, we’ll shut down the site forever.

This is Trent Pupello three years ago when he entered the University of Florida as a well-regarded freshman tight end prospect. Golden locks, as-a if he had-a just descended from the-a snowcapped hills of Tyrolia! Glowing-a smile, as-a if his a-mama had just-a called the Trent Pupello, wishing him a-good luck at school, and a donn’a forget to washa the cracky parts of the body special hard! Ah, youth-a!

Almost reminiscent of a young Lisa Kudrow with a penis, really. Beauty incarnate, and a trouble-free type at Florida. Now, after the jump, please see what the city of Tampa does to a man. (more…)

USF head coach Jim Leavitt’s 40 time: 5.72 seconds, making him faster than both ourselves and Clay Travis. This is not footage of Jim Leavitt running the 40, though if you’d like to view it as a metaphor about what he as a the sturdy 52 year old did to men half his age who couldn’t run that fast, you go right ahead and do that.

He is truly all that is man, and according to him, we should really figure out what we want to do with our lives:

“If there are any students that can’t be that, they really need to decide what they want to do in life,” Leavitt said. “That’s not hard to beat, five whatever it was.”

We know what we can do with our blazing 6.09, Coach. We can blog. Oh, yes we can. We can blog…like…the wind….WHOOOOSH. If you wonder what that sound is, it’s the pitter-splash of our tears hitting the ground as we weep into a bowl of beer and ice cream soup.

What caused this?

–Kickers talked shit about the Mandrell sisters.

–Wouldn’t buy his granddaughter’s scout cookies

–One of them touched his prize musket, Libertyface.

–Didn’t bring enough moonshine for everyone.

–One of them called him “Coach Rodriguez.”

–All four wore flat-front pants to their meeting (GENTLEMEN WEAR PLEATS.)

–Attempted to beg out of running due to “black lung” when they know that’s no excuse in Morgantown, son.

–Were Twittering during their meeting.

–Didn’t salute photo of Matlock posted next to door.

–Giggled when secretary entered and told Coach Stewart “It’s Johnny Dingle on line one.”

–Suggested way for team to be better at football in 2009 was “to not have us kick as many field goals, and score more touchdowns.”

–Knows that the way to get a team’s attention is to get tough on the guys who used to play soccer. Yes, that’s it.

–Compared Hank Williams unfavorably to Hank Williams III within earshot.

This week’s Fulmer Cupdate is sponsored by the Hawaii Board of Tourism, who reminds you that if you have to collapse and crawl across a finish line while soiling yourself and stinking of ammonia, why not do it in paradise? It is brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

Hawaii: Also Reminding You That You Probably Won’t Get Sexually Assaulted While You’re There. Ball State is probably your true leader at this point thanks to the seven-point indictment of JoPierre Davis, the cornerback whose nine point score just got a lot, lot bigger. That nine? It’s going to get larger, meaning JoPierre’s charges are the sole score for the Warriors, and thus eligible for the Ellis T. Jones award for outstanding achievement.

Now, if someone else on Hawaii gets frisky and decides to begin groping strangers willy-nilly, then we’re talking about an eligible team. However, it’s not fair to put a team in the lead with just one guy pulling all the weight, feloniously speaking. We have to track down which ones of these counts are felonies and misdemeanors, but when the charge “third-degree promotion of a detrimental drug” is a tiny extra on your list of misdeeds, you did something to piss off the D.A. properly.

I’m not a cop ha yes I am funny game that way. Relationships are important. This is why you never let a good weed dealer out of your life, and you never, ever, whore around your pharmaceutical dollar on the streets. Ladi Ajiboye, South Carolina defensive lineman, earns the Cocks two points for attempting to buy weed off an undercover cop, something he wouldn’t have had to do if he just hadn’t let that special if often late person out of his life. Lessons: life will teach them to you, even if you’re too high to remember them at the time.

Your Second DUI Is Just When You’re Getting Good At It. Pitt WR T.J. Porter decided to go a-motoring after having a few old-fashioneds while giving his driver the night off, starting an evening of festive driving in a manner disturbing to most of the residents of Toad Hall. This being his second offense and done on a suspended license (a gentleman cannot be expected to keep up with such details as petty paperwork), Porter was suspended from the team, and given a commoner’s charge of DUI (two points,) driving on a suspended license (one point,) and a bonus point for getting two DUIs in a year and being unfairly martyred for driving whilst in a blissfully relaxed state. Total of four points deeded to the Pitt Panthers. Behave, knaves.

Bayou Brawlin’. Finally, five points to the La. Tech Bulldogs for one felony battery charge, one assault charge, and one disorderly conduct charge in a fight of some sort at Rabb’s Steakhouse in Ruston. As long as the guys didn’t cause the cancellation of Zoso, the Led Zeppelin Experience this coming Thursday, all is forgiven.

The weather and cabin fever prior to spring practice can only be blamed for the psychobilly freakout that occurred this weekend in an active Fulmer Cup scoring session. The Big Board is updated and brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.

Incidents, clarifications, and rank inaccuracies follow the board.

Ryan Mallett learns the Arkansas qb playbook. The Matt Jones one, to be specific. Ryan Mallett takes an epic mugshot in his arrest for public intoxication in Fayetteville this weekend, earns Arkansas two points on the Big Board, and gives Michigan fans further reason to crow that losing the blue-chip wunderkind was no real loss, after all, as he’s the kind of guy who will smirk but not outright smile during his mugshot. (The smile indicates you’re just insane; the smirk implies ’smug.’) Bobby Petrino responded by interviewing for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders’ head coaching position. (Score equals one point for public intox, and one bonus point for the mugshot mugging.)

I thought those Shirley Temples tasted odd. Shaun Prater could have given Iowa a mere two points for an OWI on Sunday, but he insisted on chatting with policemen, and chatting with policemen means they start writing the stupid things you’re saying down, and then they end up on the internet for all to see. (more…)