Brennan Carroll will have to tell you he loves you in person. The Brennan Carroll “Mic’d Up” video from USCRipsIt.com has been pulled thanks to that dastardly COACH Rick Neuheisel across town allegedly using it and the copious profanities in the short clip of the USC tight ends coach working with walkons in negative recruiting.

Pete Carroll said the intent of the video was a “spoof.”

“As we went through the process, we were just having fun with it,” he said. “Sometimes stuff can be misinterpreted or misused or not received well.”

It’s your fault viewer. Honestly, anyone who did not think this video was indicative of the kind of profanity a coach farts out in his deepest of slumbers, or that profanity has anything at all to do with character, can go…um…como se dice…fuck themselves with a morbidly rigid porcupine dick? You took away our tiny little fun internet film, you bastards. We do not love every one of you as Brennan Carroll does.

Rich Rodriguez describes West Virginia athletics as “dysfunctional” in a deposition given in the ongoing wild holler-tussle over his $4 million buyout, citing Ed Pastilong’s sudden doubt in Rodriguez following the 13-9 loss to Pitt as the breaking point in their strained relationship.

“… I was like, I couldn’t believe it,” Rodriguez said in the transcript of the session that lasted nearly seven-and-a-half hours. “I mean, that didn’t sound like Eddie. But, again, we hadn’t communicated. And that just reaffirmed that, geez, he knew me well enough to know that was throwing a little salt on the wound there.”

Perhaps Pastilong had merely discovered Rodriguez’s secret Hispanomexicanasian roots, and no longer felt comfortable with a member of a different race.

Maybe you should have told him sooner, Rich HUSSEIN Rodriguez.

South Carolina hired Maryland special teams coach Ray Rychleski to fix their habit of letting the other team block punts. In seven years at Maryland the Terps did not have a blocked punt; in their final game against Clemson last season, the Gamecocks had two punts blocked, a double whammy for Spurrier in that a.) it’s a blocked punt, and b.) he had to punt in the first place. The loss cost the Cocks a chance to go to a bowl game.

Tony Franklin is not a rat. Franklin, the offensive coordinator for Auburn, cranks out books like Isaac Asimov in ill-fitting coaching shorts, evidently. Not only does he publish his own playbooks, he’s also written a tell-all about his time coaching at Kentucky under Hal Mumme and penned a book entitled Victor’s Victory about the death of a Hoover High School football player. He plans to publish a monograph about the sporting birds of southern Alabama later this summer, and is also working on a screenplay about migrant workers in rural Arizona in his spare time.

Kansas has to play four bowl teams this year. Mark Mangino is calling his real estate agent at this moment to complain about this.

Never forget to twist the knife. Even in the article about his induction into the college football hall of fame, John Cooper gets this in his headlines in the Detroit Free Press.

Ohio columnist: John Cooper, despite 2-10-1 record vs. Michigan, deserves Hall of Fame nod.

“Thanks for the ringing endorsement, assface.”

Honey, love of my life, let us be buried together forever–even though that hot Cuban guy I slept with in Miami in college had a horsecock, and brought me pleasures you have never dreamed of giving me in bed. I really do love you best, Your Wife. Remember that one of the most savory points of fandom is never forgetting anything that happened ever unto death. Excuse us: as Florida fans, we have to work on taunting Miami fans about the only thing we can taunt them about, “The Flop.”

Myopic’s the only way we do, baby. Hunglikehussain on our SN APR piece:

Back to the subject at hand. Orson, it is easy to criticize and abase a statute.

Instead of myopic ranting, double the height of your soapbox. Really, if we are in a “Hyde Park cyberspace”, what are your proposals/solutions?

Welcome to one of the difficulties of column writing: at 700 words, you hit the ledge of formal limit and usually skitter some of your better stuff into the canyon below. The piece diagnoses the central problem of the APR, which is the eventual pruning of programs from Division One due to poor academic progress. (And to counter another comment, no, it’s not intentional. It’s the byproduct of many hands creating a compromise policy with unintended effects; see “no sinister volcano lair” qualifier in graf 10.)

Solutions? We’re not into silly metrics like the APR, especially when unevenly applied. However, if you insist on having one, make sure the mechanism includes viable mechanisms for recovery from poor academic performance and the ability to re-enter D-1 following a period of “demonstrated improvement.” Otherwise, we’d be fine not having one at all, or even–gasp–having a non-quantitative review process not dependent on one silly, easily manipulated metric.

This approach, however, requires both work and sense, commodities as rare as pickled unicorn eggs.

Analysis is for the bluecoats. When it comes to a color announcer, Bobby Bowden wants a PR man first.

“Your job is to be a PR man,” Bowden said. “You’re getting paid to boost FSU up. It’s not a high school offense. Some things, you don’t say.”

We suspect that if he had his way, Bowden would have Terry Bowden still pulling the strings of what he would like an announcer to call “a sophisticated but hard-nosed offensive scheme that has yielded amazing results for the ‘Noles.”

City Boyz, Inc.: gone, but not forgotten. We’ll mourn ya till we join ya, City Boyz, Inc: Iowa clamps down on Facebook and other social networking sites.

Kevin of Fanblogs almost died. Lessons learned: always carry aspirin, don’t ignore chest pains, and make sure your wife is awesomely composed. All of these will help you survive a heart attack along with some judicious use of Google at the right time. (We’re not joking when we type that, nor when we say we’re all too happy you made it, Kevin.)

The proletariat will rise, and you will beat the guts out of them at homecoming. San Jose State coach Dick Tomey called the APR “class warfare” on smaller schools like San Jose State, who will be docked nine scholarships and four hours of practice time weekly due to their struggling APR.

“There’s such a difference between the B.C.S. schools and those who are not,” Tomey said. “I don’t think it’s an intended difference, but it highlights financial things like not being able to throw money at the problem and solve it very quickly.”

To the streets, Dick Tomey! The midget corps has your back! Wait: widget corps? That’s not half as cool.

As part of college football’s Urban Haute Bourgeoisie, we light a cigar with a hundred dollar bill and tell you to get begging, urchins! Our carriage needs a lithe young rapscallion like yourself to clear the pigfilthy streets of this town for us, lest we get poor germs on our hansom! The little sweep-boy may have a point: of the 37 football programs hit with penalties by the NCAA, only two were from BCS conferences (Kansas and Washington State.

The apt metaphor for this may not be class warfare, even if Moscow’s involved. The better analogy for this may be No Child Left Behind: schools performing badly are sanctioned, then sanctioned again, and given little recourse–and even less if they have no swing or political clout within the NCAA. The Wiz is all over the particulars, including more Entertaining Fun with Mike Stoops, who loses football games and whose team has the lowest APR among BCS teams.

Pete Carroll thinks you’re lazy. Saban’s videoconferencing to get around the new recruiting rules, which Pete Carroll ascribes to sheer laziness rather than an interest in the recruits’ well-being:

“I don’t want to sound like a jerk,” Carroll told The Sporting News, “but other coaches… they’re just lazy.”

If Saban is videoconferencing, rest assured Pete Carroll is visiting recruits on the astral plane and bypassing this pesky technology.

Welcome to UCLA. Physical therapy included. UCLA’s having a positively Iowa-esque injury plague this spring, and it’s not just with the returning starters at quarterback. Walk-on running back Craig Sheppard had surgery to replace the AC joint in his shoulder and will be out 4-6 months. In addition to this, starting qb Ben Olson just had a screw put in his foot, backup Patrick Cowan is out for the season, and JUCO Kevin Craft will have to have his head bolted back to his shoulders sometime around the end of September.

Get in on the ground floor of UGA hype: Tony Barnhart has them at number one. No pressure! [/hurling cursing mindbolts with all our might and watching Knowshon Moreno dodge them effortlessly.]

The Kentucky football programwill use its own plane for recruiting after Wildcat bigwigs approved the measure to help Kentucky keep up with other programs in both basketball and football handshakin’ and promise makin’. Sure, they could go the reasonable route and lease their own private plane, a reasonable time-share in the sky with some other contractor…or they could nut up and do the SEC proud by going the Iron Man route, getting a fly-ass private jet complete with stunning waitresses, disco lights, and retractable stripper pole. You know it’s only a matter of time before LSU does just that and puts a deep-fryer in the galley.

Or you could just go Google-luxe. Hammocks in space, bitches!

Not a balla till you pimp this.

Nick Saban was at Kent State when four Kent State students were shot by National Guardsmen in the worst recruiting campaign for the National Guard ever. Saban says it gave him “perspective,” a quote which makes you wonder why more sportswriters don’t commit death by wall/head collision in search of meaningful quotes for stories. In other news, our morning dose of Tussin made us feel “Tussin’d.”

Jabu Lovelace will freak you from the bench. The EDSBS Heisman Candidate ‘08 based on pimpish name alone, Jabu Lovelace, is the subject of another “hey, there’s lots of confidence and stuff about everyone around here because we’re all confident and stuff” offseason article. Rutgers should be confident: a name like Jabu Lovelace practically guarantees scoring both on and off the field. His full first name? Jabulani. That little rush of pleasure you just felt? Only a hint of the freaky pleasures that await you and your adventures in love with Jabu.

Strengths: ability to read defenses, take hits from linebackers and buildings. Live to win! Dartmouth qb Conner Kempe can’t make kiteboarding any less silly than you think it is…but he almost died trying:

Kempe was kiteboarding off the coast of Miami when he caught an unusually strong updraft. While updrafts are what give kiteboarders speed and time during a run, this current carried Kempe 60 feet in the air and flew him 300 feet onto shore, smashing him into the side of a building, dragging him to the ground, and throwing him into cars, poles and fences.

Kempe was read last rites at one point before his astounding recovery, and will start for Dartmouth this fall.

GRRRRR BARWIS. The cult of Barwis expands ever further. No, your 30 minute session on the elliptical machine does not necessitate the consumption of chocolate milk because you did not just do five sets of hang cleans followed by a ten minute plyometric vomit-circuit.

Yeah, sure, you were about to say something. But fuck that shit: IT’S MARIO KART FOR THE WII, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

More violent that GTA IV. And the roadside hookers in Mario Kart? Far more alluring than the meth-hounds you bang in GTA, especially because they’re Japanese, and therefore disturbingly kinky and capable of morphing into blue tentacled fuckbeasts at any time.

Perhaps Columbia has an open date on their schedule. Notre Dame, rebuffed by Rutgers in an attempt to move their proposed six game series to the Meadowlands for “home” games for the Scarlet Knights, makes the New York Times sassy. And we warned you: you won’t like them when they’re sassy.

How humble of Notre Dame to have visited Ronald Reagan in the Rose Garden at the White House on Jan. 18, 1989, resisting all temptation to call for a meeting at a neutral site more to its grandiose liking.

Ooooooh, Notre Dame you got done EXTERMINGUISHINFLAMMANATED by that one! The writer also points out Notre Dame has lots of fans in the northeast, explaining why the Irish may be making eyes at Syracuse for a new series, presumably played in a custom blue and gold painted Carrier Dome with the Irish spotted seven points to start in the first quarters. (Against Syracuse’s offense, that might do it.)

We’d like to tell you that you can start immediately. Because here at UCLA, our quarterbacks should have had their knees injured in a plane crash, see, but they never got on the plane, and now the Ghost of Knee Death is stalking them all. Seriously: please come to school early. Laters, Rick Neuheisel. (Apologies: that’s COACH Rick Neuheisel, until he loses eight games.–ed.)

It’s like Georgia Tech, but with the possibility of having sex as an undergrad. Taylor Bennett, last year’s starter at qb for the Yellow Jackets, transfers to Louisiana Tech. Paul Johnson is looking like a coach with extraordinarily blunt player relations skills, and we don’t mean that in a bad way:

“He told me what his plan was and where I fit in and what he saw me doing and that didn’t look like something I was interested in,” Bennett said. “I thank him for being honest with me.”

“Son, you cain’t run. And you cain’t pass. And I plan on runnin’, and sometimes passin’.”

“Ruston it is, then!”

Roll, Tide! As in, “please, Tide, roll the urine the young lady just deposited in the Gulf away from my feet.”

I can tell you know how hard this life can be. But you keep on smiling for me.

Cee-lo, you are a beautiful fat little man.

West Virginia is concerned about all of those men crowding their box.

“A quarterback shouldn’t run the ball 20 times a game,” Stewart said. “Eventually, it catches you. … Now, if we can get the ball a couple of more places, make them defend the entire field, maybe we won’t have those safeties coming down [toward the line]. Maybe we won’t have people loading the box quite as much.”

Bill Stewart, please call Urban Meyer. Kthx, Orson. The WVU offense will look a bit more like the Wake Forest offense, but with nutsoid talent working it. Oh, and Pat White won’t be in a leaked nude photograph, either, as much as some of us might like it.

Nick Saban is officially a tool, per a minor league promo that was most definitely not concocted by an Auburn grad. Nope. Completely unbiased promotion going on here. If you believe in synchronicity, and we do, there’s blood on your hands today, minor league baseball promoter asshole. What’s “Roll Tide?” in Malayalam, the world’s only language whose name is a palindrome?

Lloyd Carr is down with the Dalai Lama clique. Carr attended a speech by the Dalai Lama, and has now ensured that if he ever were to visit China, he would be immediately arrested as a “splittist” and forced to work shirtless in a tannery until he died from chemical exposure.

“A website” has the Missouri Tigers in first place in something called the Fulmer Cup. A deplorable one, we’re sure.

Reminder: Mike Leach rules. Leach, on why he’s not giving up playcalling duties like Ralph Friedgen, Steve Spurrier, and Charlie Weis:

“Because I’m younger than those guys,” he said. ” … I got into coaching to coach. Otherwise, you’re just a handshaker.”

Steve Spurrier is not Joe Paterno, because Steve Spurrier uses a computer, will take his shirt off and ride a bike around campus, and has not had to run off the field to avoid crapping his pants. All of these things can be said of homeless men living on Ponce de Leon Avenue, as well. (Judging from the library’s homeless/non-homeless reader ratio, the homeless are the Bohemian scholars of our day, until you realize they’re all voraciously reading Auto Trader and People.) But pulling the nepotism card while falling into mediocrity definitely makes you Paterno-esque. Brian is cold, heartless, and mean–but he is rarely wrong.

When he gets the adult-trike with the basket on the front: THEN he’s JoePa.

Picture Me Rollin’ has an interview with Ian Rapoport, the reporter who set off Nick Saban with a question about the Tide’s scholarship limit. Rappaport then challenged Nick Saban to a fight! And they ripped each other’s scalps off and slapped each other with them like they were silk gloves OMG!!!!111. Or, the press conference ended abruptly with an emotional answer and an awkward silence, much like your last date, single people. Rapoport is the mature media type about the whole thing:

When we discussed “the question”, Ian told me that, there again, the taped segment didn’t show the whole story. Ian insists that Saban had a crack of a grin as he was going through his answer and also that he was joking after he left the podium. He also indicated that because of his belief that Saban really does care about his players that the answer to “the question” must be very complex. He said otherwise he would have just given a quick answer but out of caring about the outcome he seems to be troubled by it and that is what Ian took away from the encounter.

Ian’s very mature. A scalp-slapping contest would have been a better ending, of course, but that’s reality for you.

Our new rallying cry! Syracuse football continues to celebrate the little things:

“The most important thing is that we got out of here with no one getting hurt,” Robinson announced over the Dome’s public address system.

Dick Vermeil will end up crying over this whole thing before it is over. Mark our words.

Missing from the Aggies’s spring game: one 900 pound running back. Jorvorskie Lane did not participate in the spring game this past weekend, either because he had some kind of issue, is miffed over being moved to the fullback spot full-time in Mike Sherman’s new offense, or to save the structural pounding the stadium takes when he runs and shakes the lighting towers.

Or perhaps he’s just in musth.

Ape, baby, you have taken the red pill. A belated congratulations to the demented brain sitting atop the hairy, drag-knuckled frame of Christmas Ape for getting dooced by the Washington Post for his work on KSK. (Me rike!) Welcome to the Floating World full-time.

And our starting tight end is Woggy Patel. Iowa’s starting tailback in their upcoming spring scrimmage: Paki O’Meara. He has luscious hair and sensitive, huggy eyes, and his first name is an ethnic slur for Pakistanis. Iowa football, your magic ride into football absurdity is just one big log-flume ride of enchanted amusement.

That’s fucked up, Rich. Remember West Virginia’s Calvin Magee alleging that a West Virginia official told him he would never get the head job in Morgantown because he’s black? That guy was supposedly Larry Aschebrooke, who is heaving a steaming fresh affadavit of his own back at Rodriguez in the ongoing legal tussle over the 4 million dollar buyout.

Aschebrook also detailed a conversation between himself, Rodriguez and Magee. Aschebrook alleged Rodriguez made him a promise of employment at Michigan and added this statement: “This isn’t about you Larry, it’s about me. You can’t afford it, I can’t afford it. I don’t have $200,000 in the bank. I’m paying for [wife] Rita’s family, my family, and [West Virginia is] doing this to me. I’m sorry about this, but it’s business not friendship.”

Aschebrook’s response: “That’s fu–ed up Rich.”

How you pronounce that is beyond us: we think we that means is “fucked up,” and it would be. If it was true. We assume everyone is lying to some degree in this case, and that the mad monkey-squabble for moneybananas in the Rodriguez departure turned everyone into screaming, amoral apes.

Dan Hawkins is so straight-edge. Big X’s on the back of his hands, Vegan Reich tapes in his hand. A duh-RAG at parties, baby: that’s Dan Hawkins at your big 420 party this weekend.

NOTES: Dan Hawkins let it be known that he is not a fan of 420 Day. “I am a little down on that, I am a lot down on that, unequivocally down on that, in a big way,” said Hawkins. He said the team knows how he feels about the topic.

You’ll forget he was there anyway man, and just settle down on the couch to play a little Rainbow Six: Vegas 2, forget you were playing, and wake up to find you’ve been sleeping with a spilled drink in your lap for seven hours. At least, that’s probably what our 420 party will go like.

I hate you all. Not you; no, that you. One of the jackfucks pushing for a congressional investigation into the BCS is Lynn Westmoreland, who really is so dumb he thinks fireflies are the floating burning dingleberries of Satan’s ass. But Steven Colbert already proved this:

We are wearing a flag pin as we say this, so it’s okay.

Today is National Columnist Day. Hug one, but be prepared to reach wide and smell like onions afterward.

It’s inevitable. If you drive around long enough in Atlanta, you will find yourself in your car inexplicably doing the Bankhead Bounce to the same song the 47 year old black woman next to you is doing a sitting variation of the stomp to…and when it’s gospel, it’s even weirder. Weird or not, disco gospel from Kirk Franklin kicks off the day today. Ms. Johnson from the car next to us (we’re tight like that now) and I are going to have coffee together at the Starbucks by the Magic Johnson theatre and discuss her crazy daughter’s fascinating ways, and how men are dogs, and nothing but.

Blame Orson. Orson Charles of Plant High School broke Florida’s national title trophy with his ass, bumping it off its pedestal and shattering the crystal football into a thousand well-insured pieces. Charles now has a powerful incentive to attend Florida, since we were so nice about him destroying our trophy and all.

A frightened Charles thought he was in big trouble but felt relieved when assistant coach John Hevesy and head coach Urban Meyer joked about it (Hevesy said now he had to commit to UF, Meyer asked him how it felt to be a Gator). The trophy was insured, Charles would later learn, and Florida has ordered a replacement trophy. The school will receive it in the next few months.

Auburn is still waiting on theirs from 2004. (Ducks internet machine gun fire.) LSU got one with two losses; Auburn doesn’t sniff one with zero. Dr. Pangloss, this is the best of all possible worlds!

Syracuse football: admitting it is the first step. Learning is unlearning is ignorance is strength is weakness is power: the first sentence of this report on the final spring practice from Syracuse football is all one needs to know about the Greg Robinson era at Syracuse.

If Greg Robinson has learned anything about his team these past four weeks of practice, it’s that there are still more questions than answers.

What he’s learned is that there are known knowns, unknown knowns, and what those things that are still known are unknown. Oh, and that competition is really, really important. And stuff. The funniest fact from Syracuse’s practice: Doug Hogue, a sophomore running back, soared to the starting position because of both his talent and the fact that every other running back went down at one time or another with injuries. He’s underwhelmed by how he got the job, but get it how you get it: the last man standing gets the gold, mate. (What does it say about that clip that Steven Bradbury was hailed as an Aussie hero? Only what we already know: that Australia is the last and best hope for humanity.)

Sam Young: heavily dramatic. Sam Young, who claims to have added 43 pounds of lean muscle in a year, did not. It’s just impossible according to the laws of human physiology. (Even roid users have a hard time packing on that kind of mass in a year. If Barry Bonds and Carrot Top couldn’t do it, it just can’t be done.) He did star in a play, however, where he plays someone who tries to kill someone, a role no one on the ND offensive line played last year in any way.

We remain unimpressed. Call us when he’s ballsy enough to do ballet in a dress, baby, like Florida alum and Titan/Buc Ben Troupe:

That’s Motherfucking Mother Ginger to you, punk.

ANARCHY!!! Terry Donohue explains the origins of the “over-the-wall” tradition at UCLA.

“The players thought it would be a good idea to throw the coaches in the shower, then go over the wall,” Donahue said. “That’s exactly what they did. I climbed up the tower so they couldn’t get me. Then they proceeded to wander around campus singing Christmas carols.”

Can you say PCP? We can. Angel dust was huge in 1980. Just ask Helen Hunt.

Is Army going to run the bone? And if they are, as this article guesses, will they have the brutal downfield blocking demostrated by these young gridiron warrior/poets?

We encourage this move and support its existence heartily. Especially the three-card monte handoff fake sequence on run plays. That never fails to crack us up.

UCLA ditches a whole practice, causing outrage generators everywhere to spike. Brian Dohn of the L.A. Daily News starts:

Rather than continue the process of learning a new offense and working toward improvement, UCLA’s football players, led by its senior class, elected to blow off Tuesday’s practice.

Or Brian Grummell over at Das Fanhaus:

In one swift act, Neuheisel willingly undermined himself before his players, his coaches and the lifeblood of any program: recruits. Nice work.

Oh, and that’s just about the most pathetic school tradition I’ve ever heard of. The NCAA limits the hours and number of practices schools can arrange, so for UCLA to be wasting a practice like that is troubling.

Gutty Little Bruins didn’t seem to care–deeming the whole thing “AWESOME”–
while the reasoned, level heads over at Bruins Nation express deep feely hurt and disappointment at the seniors who kept the Ditch tradition alive while remaining convinced that COACH Rick Neuheisel will fix the culture at UCLA.

In all of this, we’re reminded that Jim Grobe at Wake Forest didn’t even use all of his allotted days of spring practice last year. Oh, and Neuheisel may petition the NCAA to get that practice day back. Good luck explaining that one, counselor.

Pat White will get the push as a Heisman candidate from the West Virginia coaching staff. No pressure, sir.

Mark Sanchez officially gets the nod as the starting qb at USC. Shelley Smith just awoke and switched into stalk mode, tapping mutely at the glowing electrodes in the side of her head and rising from her rest pod somewhere beneath Bristol.

Brennan Carroll, Office Special Teams Coach. It’s OPS on that Tussin, or something like it. He doesn’t have a whistle, he just says whistle.