Colorado once wore power blue uniforms without shame and with regularity. Correction: there probably was some shame involved since the team did it from 1981-84, a span including ten wins out of 44 games. If that sounds familiar, it should; it’s about three wins less than Dan Hawkins 13 win total in year in year four of his coaching tenure.
A slow white guy can still accomplish some things in life and in football. For instance, he can fall the right way onto Sam Bradford’s shoulder and force him to eventually have season-ending surgery. GO SLOW WHITE GUY.
If football is to play metaphor here–oh, and we want it to play the part of meaning/wheelbarrow–it is that a Duke can be brought low by the meanest stableboy’s mistake. For two years Bradford was incendiary, throwing for 7,841 yards and 86 TDs in that span and operating one of the most productive offenses of his time running at full-bore off his snap release, booming arm, and sometimes telepathic ability to see holes in defenses. He did this as a freshman and sophomore. People are not supposed to be able to breeze in and do this as underclassmen, but Sam Bradford read that coverage, too, and passed right through it.
His exceptional success came at the cost of exceptionally cruel moments of random fate. (more…)
Blame our east coast bias. It keeps us from doing so many things endorsed by west coasters: veganism, watching football at 9 in the morning (you fucking savages!) and group sex (okay, no comment.) It sometimes delays picking up on stories from the West Coast, like this superb blurb from John Canzano of the Oregonian where he shares an email he received from Senior Associate Athletics Director Kenny Mossman:
Oklahoma’s three losses …
· By a total of five points.
· All on neutral or road fields.
· All versus ranked opponents.
Oh, you don’t know the least bit about pageanting, Kenny Mossman. You play in a conference headed by the queen of pageanting, Mack Brown, whose girls never line up in the inevitable BCS post-season lineup without flawless mascara applied and hairdos blasted into place by a thousand empty cans of White Rain and ESPN appearances. Reminding people of close losses won’t be enough, especially when your most worst loss came to a team later blown out at home by Florida State, and your only “quality” win came over “Baylor.” If Mack Brown is the master tap-dancer getting twenties thrown in his hat on the subway platform, Oklahoma is the tuneless bucket drummer thwacking away spastically on an empty paint jug.
Pageanting will continue apace, especially if the nightmare Alabama-Florida rematch scenario occurs. It likely won’t, but if that somehow happens, the campaigning will redefine whorish.
We think they may have actually gotten Drake to do this song.
(HT: Card Chronicle via TSB. ) The execution and composition really are stunning: a 90% accurate Drake imitation complete with autotune, high production values, and the fluid dropping of the phrase “Bet the Kroger ads will miiiiisss you” in the verse. We mean this: this is extremely well done, so much so you have to actively listen to remember it is a parody urging the firing of a coach with a IKEA furniture label for a last name. (Unlike the entire Iowa team, who really do all have fine Swedish gibberish for last names.)
It’s only fair at this point to say that when Kragthorpe was hired, we actually thought this would work out for the best. Hey, young coach. Hey, youngish program with offense to burn. Hey, young football coach setting that burning talent on fire and pushing it down a hill before it goes off a bridge and into a barge made of papier mache soaked in gasoline. Hey, the screaming and horror.
If you want a coach who can slide right into that Kroger slot then Tuberville would be your man. He pitched Kroger with great aplomb while at Auburn, raising his nose to the sky and, in reaction to the smell of hot dogs, recited the deathless line “Smells like…victory.” Jurich should get on the stick, though: the early running in the coaching coup-stakes for this offseason looks like a race for the Golden Flake pitchman extraordinaire, who if he really used potato chips as bait would get more of a response from his players than Kragthorpe gets from his. Tuberville coached at A&M, and will certainly hear a call when coach/walking bologna sandwich Mike Sherman gets fired.
Then it’s Jimmy Sexton, two fully charged cellphones, and you bending over and taking it for three days of solid negotiating Barbary Coast-style. Bring a good attitude, lube, and a cushion to lay over the barrel, because as savage as it will be, it’s better than the current madness going on at either school.
These are the Yell Leaders from Texas A&M. This is how they prepare for football games.
You may have not seen this, because you were paying attention to division one football, but Texas A&M lost 62-14 to Kansas State on Saturday possibly signalling a new nadir for a program in the business of finding new, ever-more-horrid nadirs to fall upon for close to a decade now. Their tra-la-las were touched for 38 points before the half, and even Bill Snyder, the kind of commander who would waste a bunker buster on an advancing Steven Hawking with a switchblade strapped to his hand, decided to shut it down at 59-0 with ten minutes gone in the third. The Yell Commanders weren’t the ones missing tackles and completely giving up on Mike Sherman, but if they were looking for some love, they ran into Rape Ape and his counterpart, Rapier Ape on Saturday.
Oh, Knights of Auldwyn! You shall ne’er triumph against our merry troupe, assembled from only the most enchanted wooded glens and dales? Forsooth, relent in thine advance or taste our magick, the strongest in all creation and Boone County!
Knaves of Auldwyn, more like it! The Tigers Templar hath a boot steak for your dinner, for this be our land you hath traipsed upon! (more…)
Oregon student newspaper writer Alex Beard makes no compelling case aside from the love of the absurd and the low cost associated with keeping a live duck for putting a live mascot on the sidelines at Oregon. That is enough for us, especially since once you get its waddly, absurd duckiness out of your brain, an actual live, hungry duck is meanass bird more than willing to swat wings at toddlers horning in on their breadcrumbs. If they could hold knives, they’d cut you. Additionally, the utility of the duck meets standards Jeremy Bentham himself would be proud of, as it can always be “retired” to a lovely spot on the plates of an Oregon booster dinner. Personally, we’d pay to eat slices of Renegade, since cheval cooks up nicely in a red wine reduction sauce, but will bypass UGA, Smokey, and all other dog-related mascots for sentimental reasons. (Don’t deny it: you’d eat a hunk of Bevo even if you didn’t have to, because a bull that pampered has to be deliciously marbled.)
But back to the important thing: does white wine go with Ibis? And what about Baylor? Bearmeat is a culinary challenge thanks to its oiliness, something the pioneers always cut with a blackberry sauce. South Carolina probably presents the easiest option, but also no real challenge. Now NC State? That’s a challenge, since technically we’re talking a wolfpack worth of oddball meat to dress. For the health conscious there’s always Marshall…
Welcome to our Factor Five Five Factor Preview of Nebraska at Misouri. The Factor Five Five Factor Preview examines the Thursday Night Game–the real beginning of your scheduled weekend leisure units, worker #383929–and the five factors determining victory with absolute scientific certainty…certainty that the Factor Five will predict victory in the other direction. Or not, as evidenced by the Factor Five’s 3-2 record this year, either a sign the randomness is becoming even randomness, or the Factor Five is about to go on a strong streak of breaking counterintuitively correct.
Enjoy.
Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity.
Nebraska offers little data to speak of in the direction of solid numbers thanks to games against Arkansas State, Florida Atlantic, University of Louisiana-Lafayette, and one sluggo matchup versus Virginia Tech. The matchup against Virginia Tech exposed Nebraska as being subject to random passes from scrambling quarterbacks somehow finding scrambling receivers in the endzone, a weakness shared by every other team in Division One football. The other salient factoid from their only matchup against a quality team: Nebraska did manage to rush the ball successfully against the Hokies, going over 200 yards on the day. Mizzou has been decent against the run, but Nebraska looks more like the mudder here, even with Tigers LB Sean Weatherspoon cracking heads and singing sweet melodies from his linebacker spot. (more…)
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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